Recap of Sami's birthday

I have been HORRIBLE at posting, I just can't find the time these days and that is because I am home! When I finally get a chance I am just so ready for bed.
Sami's day went great, we delivered our care packages, went to Disneyland (Emma's first time there) and then we did our sky lantern release. It was busy, emotional and beautiful. By the end of the night I was drained and I don't think I have fully recovered. I mean it was like all of a sudden my body shut down because now I feel a pretty bad cold coming on (great).
When we finally came home and sang happy birthday to her Julian just made me really fall apart. He in his little voice said "I miss Sami" it through me off because he has never said something like and then he went on saying "remenber (that is how he pronounces it) me gave her cheerios?" My goodness my boy was just a few weeks shy of being two, how could he remember? I lost it, completely lost it at that point thinking about that makes me want to cry again. I hope Emma knows her sister in a special way like Julian. He understanding of her life is so beautiful. I tell my husband that I hope Julian and Emma know the meaning and significance of October 26 to our family. I am sad that MANY people (family) didn't bother to call us or text us on her day but I am trying not to dwell on that, it is what it is. For everyone who did remember THANK YOU a million times because that is what really helped me get through that day.
November is another difficult day for me because that was the day of her actual service and the last time I physically held her last. So hard to get back on track. I know November is a month to be thankful and I am really trying to focus on that but right now my heart is still a little sore I will join that movement in a few days.
I will leave you with a few pictures of her special day, I wish I would have gotten better pictures of the sky lantern release but I was trying to record video, take pictures and taking it all in.

We stopped her brick

Emma amazed by Minnie Mouse

We bought our little angel her Minnie ears and below it was her name, it was meant to be.

Right before we did a balloon release at the castle

Off they went to her

Sami's Minnie ears

The sky lanterns

Couldn't capture the beauty of them : (

These didn't fly as easy as I hoped for

A gift to her from another angel mom

Wearing her ears

Julian holding her after we sang to her

Happy Birthday my love

HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!

Has it really been 2 years since I kissed that precious face? It seems like it was just yesterday because I remember every detail like it just happened.  On October 26, 2009 at 5:04AM, my world was blessed by a precious 4 pound little angel. On that day I became a very special type of mom, a mom who cherishes each day and doesn't take one for granted. A mom who loves like crazy and a mom who can say she held her very own angel. That to me makes a special person and that goes for every mom out there who has lost a precious child.

It has been so long since I last wrote, October is not easy for me but I kept busy. I am happy to say I achieved my goal for Sami's birthday. I have finished 10 care packages that I am going to deliver on her special day. I do not want my packages given away because that means that there is another special mom out there but if and when it happens I want them to know that they are not alone. I remember feeling so lost when I left the hospital and that was because I had time to prepare so I can't imagine someone who goes in expecting a happy outcome but doesn't. Sami I hope you are proud of your mommy because you keep giving me strength to carry on. Everything I do is in your honor baby girl.
This past Sunday we had a birthday celebration for her and were going to release some sky lanterns but the wind had other plans. I hope that tomorrow night we will be able to light the sky so she can see that she is never forgotten along with many of her angel friends.

SAMI I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, MY HEART ACHES EVERY MOMENT BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT HERE BUT I KNOW ONE DAY I WILL HOLD YOU AGAIN. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING ME SUCH A SPECIAL MOM...

Here are some pictures of my care packages (THANK YOU to everyone who helped me)

Thank you Franchesca Cox for creating these beautiful cards

It's soon approaching

Her day is soon approaching and the thought of it is weighing on me. I know her birthday is a day of celebration but it is also such a difficult day for me. I had been fine but as I look at the calender and see October just a few days away I am filled with such sad emotions. Two years have fast approached and I have many things to be grateful for but still this void never seems to ease up. I am sure from the outside I look fine, I laugh, I smile but I am still broken. I will be forever, I except that now but it still isn't easy. I had a whole year to prepare you would think it would be easier for me. Perhaps having Emma here with me makes it a little harder because I have realized how much I missed out on Sami.

I feel really bad that I neglected this blog lately because I really need it and I miss following up with everyone but I just have had no time. I am officially a stay home mommy and I am yet to find a routine. I have realized going to work is sometimes a little easier. I am not complaining because I LOVE my new job I just need to learn to manage my time better and allow a little bit of me time here and there. This space is comforting to me, I still need it. Like I said time has passed but that doesn't mean that I still don't feel lost from time to time.

Right now the kids are sleeping as I should be but I just want to take in the quietness. My husband is out of town again this week and it always seems to be like my real emotional moments are when he isn't here. I just need to let out a good cry and prepare myself for October. What is that saying "take the bull by the horns" that will be me for the most part of October but I know I will fall flat on my face with grief and emotion at some point. I feel like someone needs to take the lead and I will just follow. Last year I was so consumed with her birthday memorial party and being newly pregnant with Emma that I guess I was just not allowing myself to deal it emotionally. This year my plans were to have the care packages dropped off at the hospital on her day but I am a little behind and I also want to do something special celebrate her with my close family and friends. I just feel stuck, I need a little push to get out this little pitty party that I am having right now. I need Sami to send me her love and strength, I need it more than ever right now.

Hello blog world

Is August almost over? Hard to believe how fast time passes. Having to care for two little one's I suppose will help speed up time.
Julian is funny as ever and so sweet and well Emma is a little chunker full of toothless smiles. Being at home with them this whole time has been a real blessing. I am sad I missed so much with Julian but he was always in good hands.
Sami's birthday is almost here and I finally got the OK from the hospital to drop of care packages for other loss mom's. I am really excited about this and now trying to figure out a budget and how I am going to get this really going because I don't want it to be just be once a year thing but one step at a time. I am also trying to figure out how and what other celebration I am going to do for her. For sure a remembrance mass so I can share with family and friend's but not sure what else. I love celebrating birthday's and just because she isn't here doesn't mean I can't celebrate right? People might see it as weird but I really don't care what they think. I can't believe two years are approaching and I am still living. I was talking my hubs a few nights back and we both agree that the first few months felt like there was no way out. Now we still hurt but we handle it differently. Emma for sure has helped us grow, again I will emphasize that she is in no way a replacement but my heart once again has joy in it. I am sure many of you loss mom's can relate to those early days where it felt like there was no sun in sight and as time passes and rainbow's born you find yourself alive again. It is a great feeling!!!
I love being comfortable in saying I have 3 kids when people ask. I don't feel weird saying one is in heaven because it is not weird, it is my new life. I don't even give them a chance to give me that pitty look because I am not saying it for sympathy. So be careful when you ask a parent how many kids they have because you never know who you are asking. There are days of course that are still difficult to cope with you of course but I know that will be for the rest of my life. I will wipe the tears as I have done all these months and keep moving forward. I want to make Sami proud that her mama is a survivor and she keeps going.

I have not had a chance to really follow everyone's blogs but that doesn't mean that I don't pray for you guys and wish all the best. Thank goodness for facebook because I keep up there as best as I can. So from now until October I will be busy with making care packages and figuring out a way to remember Sami on her birthday. ((HUGS)) to everyone.

Do you see her?

On Friday I was excited because Emma was getting her first shower so I had to snap a picture. Once I looked at it I was so shocked to see a profile on the wall behind Emma... Lets see if you are able to see it too....

Things like this make me smile. Oh and this morning out of the blue Julian said Sami likes chocolate, lol.

Recovery

Yesterday I had surgery because I had an umbilical hernia that needed to get fixed. I got this hernia after I had Julian, they say it can be caused by a long labor and well after 33 hrs I guess it was a given. It has just gotten worse throughout the years. I am in pain but I will be fine, the pain I was in after I delivered Emma was worse. The only thing is that I am not supposed to lift more than 10lbs for 6 weeks!!! How is that going to be possible with 2 month old at home? I could go stay at my mom's but that means I won't be able to see my husband during the week and I can't handle that and there is nothing like sleeping in your own bed. For the next few days he will be home with me so I will not worry about anything until I really need to. I am glad I got it fixed now because it was really bothering me and it was only going to get worse. The Dr said it was worse than she thought : (

So now I sit here getting pampered by my husband and it feels so weird. I HATE just sitting around doing nothing.  I could handle that for an hour or two. I guess we will have to make it a movie day today. I just hope the pain starts to ease soon. I really don't want to take the pain meds for much longer. I was still breastfeeding but now I really can't. My milk supply was already dwindling down but I was still able to give something but now with the meds and not being able to lift her I just can't. I know Emma doesn't mind she is not a picky eater she takes the bottle really well. We have her on soy formula like we had Julian, both have a sensitive tummy. Julian out grew it so I hope Emma does to eventually.

Emma is so talkative these days, she is going to be a little chatterbox!!! She fills our home with so much love and laughter. She still makes those facial expressions that resemble Sami's and I love it. I get sad knowing I missed so much of this with Sami. I know Sami is watching us from above and perhaps making Emma smile.

Love

Julian is the only person who speaks of Sami all the time and I love it. He loves his sister's. We went camping last weekend and as we drove onto the beach he remembered her name written on the sand. He kept saying "like Sami mommy" he is seriously so adorable. I have even heard him tell Emma something about her like he was trying to tell her something about her sister.
When Sami passed one of her nurses gave us a pink teddy bear with wings. Julian never plays with it because he knows it is for Sami but for some reason last night he wanted to hold the bear. He kept saying her name but I couldn't understand what he was trying to tell me about her. Anyhow, he fell asleep with his monkey friend and the bear. When I walked into the room this is how I found him, I just had to take a picture of this.

How sweet is this?

Emma is so blessed to have big brother like Julian. Sami may not be here with us but she is never far from our thoughts and always lives in our hearts and Emma will definitely know about her big sister.

We baptized Emma a few weeks ago and of course Sami bear joined us.

I loved that our priest included Sami in our ceremony. To me when anyone mentions her name I just instantly smile. It doesn't cause any sadness in my heart that is for sure. When it happens it just validates that she was real and existed even if it was for a short while. 

Monday blues

Sami at Emma's baptism

I woke up today with such a huge void in my heart, I miss her. I miss her so much and I find myself wondering what she would be doing today even though I normally don't allow myself to do that. 20 months have gone by since I held her, smelled her and felt her breath on me. So much has changed in my life for the better of course but still there is a void within me. Emma has filled my life with so much joy and happiness, I smile more because of her and I love her more because of Sami. I am a different mom now compared to when Julian was little. I guess you can say I do not take anything for granted. Emma is what most people would consider spoiled but I don't. Emma is a different child, only a parent with a rainbow baby would understand what I am trying to say. Every breath she takes I soke it in because I am in constant fear that she will also be taken from me. I hate that every little thing that I notice different on her freaks me out and I think that she is going to get sick. It is kind of morbid and I HATE it. I wish I didn't have to live this way but on a positive note I love my kids more than ever. With Julian, I hold him extra tight and tell him I love him a hundred times a day because you just never know.

How I wish she was here running around while I try to tend to Emma thinking to myself that I am crazy for having my kids so close in age. Days like today I have tell myself that she is safe in God's arms and with Marie who is taking the best care of her. One day I will hold her again and see her precious face.

Sami visits

I have been horrible at keeping up with this blog lately : ( I have had a few visits from Sami but haven't had the chance to write about them.

When Emma was only 1 week old her and I were in the living room and I guess we both dozed off when we were both awaken by the sound of the softest music. I even had to get up and look around for what I thought was a toy or like a mobile for a crib! It was insane, I thought I was going crazy but we heard it because we both woke up at the same time but she peacefully when back to sleep. I just started crying because something like that had never happened to me and more so because I knew it was Sami. I had such a warm feeling come over me. I wish I could experience that feeling more often. Then later that week Julian was playing in his room when he ran into our room with a frantic look on his face and I asked what happened then he was calm again, he said "there was an angel in my room" I said "what do you mean an angel?" He again said "an angel on my pillow and SHE was walking like this" (arching his arms out and moving them as if there were feathers while walking slowly) my husband came out of the restroom and started to ask him if he was scared and he said "no daddy, I not scared" then he went on to talk about Sami and Papa Jesus of course at this point we were both in tears. Twice in one week how amazing

Sunday at my mom's once again the butterfly was flying by me. It is weird that it is always at my mom's house where I spent my last weeks of her pregnancy there.  I know I have posted a picture (another visit) before of this little butterfly but here it was once again looking so beautiful.

This was when I got to my mom's in the morning

Then again in the afternoon!

It's been so long

I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted but I have been busy and tired. I am now adjusting to my new routine with a new baby. Julian continues to be amazing and only once he called Emma Sami. It pulled at my heart but I nicely corrected him and he sweetly said "sorry Emma". My husband and I are afraid of doing that especially once she is older. There is a particular face she makes that makes her look just like Sami. It has made me cry plenty of times. The baby blues are going away and I am glad because I was tired of crying for no reason. I would see her and just start balling. Having this little girl is such a blessing that I cannot say thank you enough to the Lord above.

I am so sad that I never had the chance to hold and kiss Sami all the time like I can with Emma but I know I will one day. There is no doubt in my mind that she is waiting for me. Everyday that passes I am thankful that I got another day with Julian and Emma and at the same time thankful that I am one day closer to Sami.

There is a hungry little one calling out for me so this is a short one but so far in 2 weeks she has grown an inch and has gained 13 oz... Not bad at all if I say so myself.

May 6, 2011

Sorry I wasn't able to post anything but Friday was a busy day for us. My day started early as we had to get Julian to mom's early enough for me to give  him lots of extra hugs and kisses and it worked because he knew something was happening. He didn't cry and he held me extra tight when he hugged me. It was hard not cry in front of him. I was already nervous and anxious to get to the hospital. We arrived at 9am and I checked myself in, not how I imagined Emma's birth to be but it all worked out.
I was trying not to shake and control my emotions because the last I was there well it was a whole lot different. I was sent to room 206, how I wanted room 212 so bad. I wanted to feel her presence in there like the last time but I knew that no matter what room I would be Sami would be there with me. I was contracting on my own and I believe still at 2 cm so we just waited. We had a wonderful nurse with such a happy personality, she is what I needed at that moment. Around 1pm or nothing really changed so I was given some pill, sorry can't remember the name. It is just to help thin out the cervix if I am correct. Then we walked and walked some more. I walked passed room 212 and couldn't help but cry, it was just instant tears. I wanted to knock on the door just to peek in there but of course I didn't.

Around 4pm, I was at 3cm and pitocin was started. The contractions were getting stronger but nothing to make me feel to uncomfortable. I was still smiling and laughing wishing I could sleep but I  just can't nap for the life of me.

As you can tell it wasn't bad at this point

Around 8pm or so I noticed the contractions were slowing down and more spaced apart so I kind of started to worry. I believe at this point I was 6cm. Forgot to mention 7pm nurse shift change... I got my favorite nurses who were with me when Sami was born. I think Sami knew how well they would take care of and Emma and had it worked because what are the chances that they both would be working? AMAZING!!!

Anyhow at this point I was debating on having an epidural or not since the contractions were strong but spaced apart but I didn't want not have the option. Around 9 I started to notice a spike in the contractions and asked for the epidural. It was a quick change because I was no longer smiling by this point. Angie (nurse) said I was going to go really quick so she called in for a delivery cart and here I was thinking I still had a few hours to go! I got my epidural, then my doctor came to check me and the by 10:15 I was pushing. It was HARD, Emma was sunny side up and doing a number on my back. I had to be given an episiotomy (ouch). I felt more tugging than ever while having a child. The NICU team had to be called because Emma's heart rate kept dropping. My husband and I were terrified and I was trying to concentrate on getting her out as soon as possible. I felt like I would be pushing for hours like with Julian but thankfully although still a while at 11:35 pm Emma Elliana came into this world. Weighing 7 lbs 11 oz 19 in. NICU checked her out first and gave a clean bill of health. THANK YOU LORD. While pushing I kept asking, God, Sami and Marie to give me the strength to do so because I felt like I couldn't do it anymore.

Daddy cutting the cord





Nurse Cheryl

My glow worm

Priceless moment

I feel bad that I was in so much pain after that I didn't get to enjoy the first few hours of her arrival. It makes me feel like such a bad mom because I had been dreaming of that moment forever but again her labor was short but it was hard. Her labor took a toll on my body. I am not sure what was causing my pain, my uterus was really hard and I don't know what happened. All I know is that I was given morphine and something else, I was still screaming in pain. I didn't even do that while pushing. Once I was taken to my post partum room it was really intense and morphine was given to me again. It was bad, it wasn't until about 8am that I finally started to feel OK. I finally got to enjoy my little one and stare into her eyes (I can't keep my off of them now). Having her is such a wonderful feeling and I see Sami in her yet she has her own look which I love. It has been a roller coaster of emotions that I can't really put into words at the moment. I am blessed and I feel the love from up above. Here are more photos I wanted to share.



Julian meeting her for the first time



Matching booties like her big sister Sami and rainbow pants



Getting ready to go home



Daddy getting her all set to go with his daddy of an angel bracelet for Sami

I got my wish