Last night I had the most realistic dream ever and it scared me to death!!! In my dream Sami was born and only lived for a few seconds. In those few seconds I was so overwhelmed by the love I felt for her but once I realized she was no longer with me the pain set in. It was a pain so deep in my body, it was something that I have NEVER felt. I wasn't even able to see because I was crying so much, yet there were no tear! I wasn't able to breath or even move in my bed. Almost as if I was paralyzed but everything and everyone around seemed to be moving. I could hear the nurses talking, my husband was trying to tell me something but it sounded like he was so far away, it felt so real. Thank God the alarm went off this morning.
I have been thinking and trying to mentally prepare for what is going to happen. I guess I will not know what it actually feels like until it really happens to me and now I am just scared because if it felt anything close to that dream, I am seriously going to loose it. How can anyone prepare for this? I had to let out a good cry this morning before I started my day and asked God to please give me the strength to get through this because I am really feeling like I can't. That dream really scared me and now I feel like I am not strong enough. I can't get it out my head, the pain throughout my whole body.
I know everyone tells me that I am strong and they admire that about me but really I am not. Some days I come off as I am but ask me and I will tell you that I have never felt this weak. I know I am not alone in this but I feel like I am, I have never felt this scared either. Days like this don't seem real, am I really going through this? Just a few months ago my life was so different.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
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2 comments:
Some words in the song I Will Carry You come to mind....
"People say that I am brave but I'm not. Truth is, I'm barely hanging on...."
People see the outward strength and how well you seem handle things but not the inner turmoil that rages within.
I'm so sorry you had to experience that frightening dream and those feelings. I cannot say how it is for everyone but for me on the day Carleigh was born I felt at peace and I felt joy for my daughter. I know others have spoken of the same peace and I pray that you can experience that too.
I certeinly know those days when you feel so weak! I am praying for you. Proverbs 3:5-6 is one of my favorite verses. I saw this on your sidebar. I will be praying these verses for you just as I do for myself. One day at a time...my friend.
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