Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Almost at the finish line....

Today I went to see my doctor and he said he thinks I should be having Sami in about a week or so. That really scares me because I feel I still need more time with her. Physically I am exhausted and ready to go but mentally I am so not there yet. There are days when I think I am ready but realistically I am not because I am so scared. In a few days all this will be over and my life will be forever changed. In these past few months I have seen so many changes within myself and to think there are so many more to come. Not knowing what to expect scares the crap out of me. I love this little girl more than life itself and the thought of having to let her go just kills me. It is not fair that I have to even think of letting her go. Call me selfish if you will but I am not ready to do that just yet and well I do not think any parent ever is.
It is all in God's hands and I have to trust in him to get me through and I know that when she is ready she will let me know. In a way she is doing that now. I cannot wait to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her but at the same time I know that at that point I am also going to have to say goodbye. How do I do that? I have had so long to prepare for this you would think I would be somewhat ready for that. I really thought I was until the doctor told me it will be soon. Now I am starting to panic. I have to keep telling myself I will get through this and I will be OK. This is something that is just going to make me a stronger person.

Since last week I have given a lot of thought of the whole burial versus cremation and in my heart I think it is only right to go with cremation. I cannot imagine myself having to visit her at the cemetery. For some people it feels right but going to the cemeter the other day just did not feel right. I think she needs to come home with us. I have not thought of what I would do with her ashes, maybe one day I will find the perfect place for her or who knows maybe her perfect place will be at home with us forever. I figure one step at a time but as of now I think cremation will be best. My honey and I have discussed it over and over and we both agree so that makes me really happy.

This is my point she is not here yet and I already to have think of this stuff. I cannot believe it sometimes. My head just cannot get used to that idea even though I know it is my reality. Today I am an emotional wreck and I am so tired tired.


Holly said...

I remember after my last US it was obvious Carleigh's growth was dropping off and I had to make the decision to have her then or wait it out. I was torn at what to do and I asked my radiologist (who I work with and who read my scan) for his opinion on what I should do. He thought I should go ahead with an induction so that is what I did.

I was excited and scared at the same time. I was so looking forward to the meeting the little girl whose kicks I felt every day but I knew it was going to be hard to let her go. I was scared of the unknowns. I like to know what to expect but with this I couldn't besides the final outcome. I didn't know if she would be born alive. I didn't know how much time we would get with her. I didn't know how labor and delivery would go. I didn't know how I would feel. I didn't know how she would look. So many things!!

I am glad you made a decision and are happy with it. I think it'll be nice to have her in your home. And I have heard of when the parents pass too they have their baby's ashes buried with them.

I pray that as Sami's time draws closer the Lord draws you closer too.

lost--for--words said...

I want you to know that you've been in my thoughts alot lately... I so understand the physical discomforts you are dealing with, and can relate to the feeling of wanting pregnancy to be over with. Sadly, I had no idea that the end of pregnancy would mean the beginning of my daughter's very short life. In a way, I wish I had known about her condition before her birth, so I could've cherished every moment and kick more than I probably did. Lots of strength coming your way.

Hope's Blog said...

You know I am thinking about you every single day. I am praying that the rest of your pregnancy is uneventful and you get to enjoy every minute of it. It sounds like you are doing a little better and I am glad you were able to make a decision on cremation and keeping her with you. It is a decision no parent should ever have to make!

God is watching out for you and you know that already. You have a lot of support and know that you can call me anytime. It is hard thinking about the delivery and I am praying so hard for you and for your family.

God bless all of you and big HUGS from sunny (yes, it is sunny here sometimes) Ohio.

Once A Mother said...

It is just so unfair. Sending you prayers that you can enjoy these moments with Sami while she is with you. I think it is beautiful that you have chosen a way for her to always be at home with you by cremating her. You are in my thoughts as you approach her arrival, as is your entire family, and especially your sweet baby Sami.

Mattie said...

I just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers. So many difficult decisions for parents like us, but God will guide you and give you peace. Have you ever heard the song, "I will carry you" by Selah? It is a beautiful song, but have your tissues ready. I wish I would have heard it before I lost my little girl, but it still gives me comfort hearing it now. Hugs and prayers your way!

Laura said...

Thinking of you...praying for you as you walk through these final days with sweet Sami in your belly. You are doing an amazing job at loving her so well.

melissa3075 said...

Oh gosh, tears stream down my face for you - my heart breaks for you and your baby girl - I know all too well the sadness that you are going through. It was only 4 short months ago that I lost my beautiful baby girl, Madelyn Faith. I too had a roller coaster ride pregnancy with the prognosis going from bad to worse. My sweet Madelyn had Spina Bifida (also a neural tube defect), Multicystic Dysplastic Kidneys and a heart defect. Only as a true miracle did she manage to live for 2 days before passing away peacefully in my arms. I miss her terribly and would have traded places with her in a heart beat if I could. It is all so unfair. I wish there was something that I could say to help take away the pain. No parent should ever have to go through such heartache. Please know that you and your sweet girl are in my thoughts.

AnnaMarie said...

Hi Lisette,

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter's illness.

Thinking of you and your family and wishing you beautiful things.

Rikki said...

When i lost my boys i decided to get them cremated. I didnt like the idea of not having them with me. A few people have said that i should scatter the ashes or something but i think that they should stay with me. Most people scatter ashes at their loved ones favourite place and the way that i see it is all they knew was me so that is where they should stay. I am happy that you have decided on something that is best for you and your family.

Holly said...

I wanted to mention since you decided on cremation the idea of getting a cremation necklace. Some do, some don't.

My Forever Child has some great pieces that aren't as pricey as some funeral homes will charge.

If you are a fan of My Forever Child on Facebook use can use the discount code FACEBOOK for 10% off.

Just thought I would share.

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