I am still in a daze, is this really happening? There are moments when I feel like I cannot breath and then in a split second I get this calmness come over me and it makes me feel so much better. A true roller coater of emotions fill up my body.
Sunday, we decided to take Julian to Disneyland for a little bit. I really did not walk all that much, I sat and waited for them to get on the rides. Well that night while trying to go to sleep, I sat up somewhat screamed and then my water broke (11:20pm, same time my water broke with Julian). It was like my body knew it was going to happen the split second before it even happened. I started to panic and cry and tell my honey that I was not ready yet. He held my hand and told me I could get through this, I just needed to take a deep breath and relax. I rushed into the shower and really started to panic in there. Julian came in and was crying for the baby and he just wanted to hold and kiss my stomach, he knew something big was about to happen. That just added more to my non-stop crying. I was trying to rush out of the house but the fluid wouldn't stop! I had to change like three times. Finally, we were on the road, I called the hospital so they could be ready for our arrival. We dropped Julian off with my brother Ernie. We arrived at the hospital about 1 AM. Still fluid coming out of like crazy. Once I got there the contractions really started and so did a sense of calmness. My honey and I both felt it. Cheryl our triage nurse was wonderful. At that time I was 4cm and she said I would have the baby by 7am. I was in denial especially since with Julian I had the longest labor ever.
I decided to go with epidural and again it did not work like with Julian. I am not a good candidate for that stuff. Either way I did not need it. The pains were not as bad and it was not even pain I felt it was more pressure than anything. At around 3:45 I asked them to check me because the pressure was so bad and sure enough, Sami's head was visible, we were ready to go! I had to try so hard to not freak out at that time. They asked me if I wanted to try to push or just wait a little bit for the doctor, I opted to wait for a little more. I waited about one hour then I just knew I had to let go. My sister got there about the same time the doctor did. It was showtime and at that moment there was a presence in the room that I cannot describe. All of a sudden I had sudden strength and this overwhelming peace come over me. In about three pushes pure perfection came out of me. That part is still a little bit of a blur but the doctor's checked her so fast and placed my Lauren Samantha upon my chest. I could only cry happy tears, I was so happy and so in love in that instead moment. I could only describe that feeling as beautiful. I held her in me for 37 weeks and to actually have her in my arms is a feeling that I cannot put into words. There are no words to describe that feeling of perfect...
With all going on, the NICU doctors realized that Sami really never had encephalocele!! Sami was supposed to be a twin and the mass attached to her little head was that, a brother or sister, the egg must of never split correctly. On the mass you can clearly see another ear and an eye. It was so comforting to know that is what really happened. Either way it is a bad situation but I least I know she is not alone.
For one hour and forty minutes, Sami showed me what peacefulness really means. In that moment I was just overwhelmed by her strength and courage. I must of told her I loved her about a thousand times and it still did not seem like enough. At 6:44 am she left to be with God and I knew it. I did not cry at that time because she just seemed so at peace. My baby girl had left us physically but will forever be a part of me. These past few months have been so challenging but I would never take it back, I have been forever changed because of Sami. Now I know what the other loss mamma's talk about. I give it to them because this is so hard to come to terms with.
I have to say the hardest part is when the mortuary people knocked on that door and took her from me. I thought I was going to die, that hurt so much I wish I could block that out of my mind forever. Seeing my husband strap her into her car seat just killed me. He was so strong to do that with me crying uncontrollably. He was able to manage and then come comfort me. He has been so strong and wonderful in all of this, he hurts just as much as I do and still he continues to set his feelings aside to make sure I am OK.
We were blessed to have family and friends stop by throughout the day, I needed the company because being alone it still very hard for us. In the middle of the night I finally had my breakdown moment. I was was shaking, crying, my temperature was weird and my blood pressure was up and down. My nurse Maryann was very understanding and very concerned but she just knew it was my hormones. It was scary, I woke up Larry and scared him to death because he had no idea what was going on with me. I held up well during the day but at night it hit me hard. Sitting there at the hospital without my baby was so hard for me. They came to pick her up around 4pm so I had her for a long time. I wish I had longer but I knew I had to let her go before her little body started to change in color. I did not want to see that.
The next day I could not wait to leave that hospital and walk out with empty arms. My nurse Judith was so nice and she broke down too. Made me feel good that they too felt my pain and were not afraid to show it. I forgot to mention Angie the delivery nurse, she was amazing. So for all the nurses that made this experience as best as possible, THANK YOU! Your care and concern meant so much to Larry and myself.
I have gone and on but I wanted to right some of this before I forget. Again, thank you to EVERYONE for the wonderful love and support.
Services for Sami will be held on Tuesday, November 3rd. Viewing from 10am - 12pm and Mass will begin at 12:30pm.
Queen of Heaven Mortuary 2161 S Fullerton Road, Rowland Heights, CA (626) 964-1291.