Friday, October 30, 2009

What a week!



I am still in a daze, is this really happening? There are moments when I feel like I cannot breath and then in a split second I get this calmness come over me and it makes me feel so much better. A true roller coater of emotions fill up my body.

Sunday, we decided to take Julian to Disneyland for a little bit. I really did not walk all that much, I sat and waited for them to get on the rides. Well that night while trying to go to sleep, I sat up somewhat screamed and then my water broke (11:20pm, same time my water broke with Julian). It was like my body knew it was going to happen the split second before it even happened. I started to panic and cry and tell my honey that I was not ready yet. He held my hand and told me I could get through this, I just needed to take a deep breath and relax. I rushed into the shower and really started to panic in there. Julian came in and was crying for the baby and he just wanted to hold and kiss my stomach, he knew something big was about to happen. That just added more to my non-stop crying. I was trying to rush out of the house but the fluid wouldn't stop! I had to change like three times. Finally, we were on the road, I called the hospital so they could be ready for our arrival. We dropped Julian off with my brother Ernie. We arrived at the hospital about 1 AM. Still fluid coming out of like crazy. Once I got there the contractions really started and so did a sense of calmness. My honey and I both felt it. Cheryl our triage nurse was wonderful. At that time I was 4cm and she said I would have the baby by 7am. I was in denial especially since with Julian I had the longest labor ever.

I decided to go with epidural and again it did not work like with Julian. I am not a good candidate for that stuff. Either way I did not need it. The pains were not as bad and it was not even pain I felt it was more pressure than anything. At around 3:45 I asked them to check me because the pressure was so bad and sure enough, Sami's head was visible, we were ready to go! I had to try so hard to not freak out at that time. They asked me if I wanted to try to push or just wait a little bit for the doctor, I opted to wait for a little more. I waited about one hour then I just knew I had to let go. My sister got there about the same time the doctor did. It was showtime and at that moment there was a presence in the room that I cannot describe. All of a sudden I had sudden strength and this overwhelming peace come over me. In about three pushes pure perfection came out of me. That part is still a little bit of a blur but the doctor's checked her so fast and placed my Lauren Samantha upon my chest. I could only cry happy tears, I was so happy and so in love in that instead moment. I could only describe that feeling as beautiful. I held her in me for 37 weeks and to actually have her in my arms is a feeling that I cannot put into words. There are no words to describe that feeling of perfect...

With all going on, the NICU doctors realized that Sami really never had encephalocele!! Sami was supposed to be a twin and the mass attached to her little head was that, a brother or sister, the egg must of never split correctly. On the mass you can clearly see another ear and an eye. It was so comforting to know that is what really happened. Either way it is a bad situation but I least I know she is not alone.

For one hour and forty minutes, Sami showed me what peacefulness really means. In that moment I was just overwhelmed by her strength and courage. I must of told her I loved her about a thousand times and it still did not seem like enough. At 6:44 am she left to be with God and I knew it. I did not cry at that time because she just seemed so at peace. My baby girl had left us physically but will forever be a part of me. These past few months have been so challenging but I would never take it back, I have been forever changed because of Sami. Now I know what the other loss mamma's talk about. I give it to them because this is so hard to come to terms with.

I have to say the hardest part is when the mortuary people knocked on that door and took her from me. I thought I was going to die, that hurt so much I wish I could block that out of my mind forever. Seeing my husband strap her into her car seat just killed me. He was so strong to do that with me crying uncontrollably. He was able to manage and then come comfort me. He has been so strong and wonderful in all of this, he hurts just as much as I do and still he continues to set his feelings aside to make sure I am OK.

We were blessed to have family and friends stop by throughout the day, I needed the company because being alone it still very hard for us. In the middle of the night I finally had my breakdown moment. I was was shaking, crying, my temperature was weird and my blood pressure was up and down. My nurse Maryann was very understanding and very concerned but she just knew it was my hormones. It was scary, I woke up Larry and scared him to death because he had no idea what was going on with me. I held up well during the day but at night it hit me hard. Sitting there at the hospital without my baby was so hard for me. They came to pick her up around 4pm so I had her for a long time. I wish I had longer but I knew I had to let her go before her little body started to change in color. I did not want to see that.

The next day I could not wait to leave that hospital and walk out with empty arms. My nurse Judith was so nice and she broke down too. Made me feel good that they too felt my pain and were not afraid to show it. I forgot to mention Angie the delivery nurse, she was amazing. So for all the nurses that made this experience as best as possible, THANK YOU! Your care and concern meant so much to Larry and myself.

I have gone and on but I wanted to right some of this before I forget. Again, thank you to EVERYONE for the wonderful love and support.

Services for Sami will be held on Tuesday, November 3rd. Viewing from 10am - 12pm and Mass will begin at 12:30pm.

Queen of Heaven Mortuary
2161 S Fullerton Road,
Rowland Heights, CA
(626) 964-1291.

18 comments:

glamcookie said...

Here from LFCA. I'm so sorry for your loss. Crying with you today.

Julia said...

I too am here from LFCA.

Sami is beautiful, and I am so very sorry for your loss.

I found that emotions were unpredictable and non-linear in the early days. They still are, but things don't throw me as often these days. Please be gentle with yourself as you begin to learn to live without your daughter.

By now your milk must be in. I found that to be a difficult experience. Having it come, trying to stop it, but also when it finally dried up-- that was a difficult thing, my body giving up what it was supposed to have been doing for my son. I also had a lot of trouble stopping lactation. If you find yourself with that problem too, we later put together information on that. So if you end up needing it, please check it out here: http://www.glowinthewoods.com/how-to-stop-lactation/

I am so sorry.

Franchesca Cox said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I think it is good that you write these early days' emotions out. You'll want to read back on them someday. I am only 5 1/2 months into this, but I can totally relate to that roller coaster you are describing. It's awful, but like you, I wouldn't take any of it back. For me, my Jenna changed me and I love and miss her dearly. I am glad you were able to find out what went wrong, I think that brings some kind of closure. Anyway, sorry for the rambling... if you need anything please don't hesitate to let me know. handprintsfromheaven@gmail.com

Love to the sky...

bir said...

Lisette, I am so sorry your little girl had to leave you so soon. These days are just so very hard. And everything is a reminder, as was said above with your milk coming in and all. Don't let the shower run on your b**bs - apparently it only stimulates them more!

Thinking of you and sending huge hugs xxx

www.allthelittleponies.blogspot.com

Mattie said...

I just wanted to know you are in my prayers. I can relate to the indescribable feeling of peace in the hardest times. I felt that same peace the day I had a c-section to deliver my little girl after we lost her. That is the peace that only comes from God.

Hugs and Prayers.

tireegal68 said...

Hi Lisette,
I am here from LFCA. I wanted to say how sorry I am that you lost your sweet Sami. She is beautiful. I have never experienced anything like you have, but I want to send you love and hugs and healing. You sound like a wonderful mama to both your precious children. Blessings to you and your family. I pray for strength for you all.

Just Breathe said...

Praying for your comfort and strength. ((HUGS))

Holly said...

Lisette,

Thank you for sharing these moments of Sami with all of us. I prayed for God to give you peace during Sami's birth and it sounds like He gave that too you. It's amazing isn't it? It's like nothing I've ever experienced before. It was such a comfort.

Finally being able to hold you baby is really a beautiful moment. I remember Carleigh's. They placed her on my chest and all I could do was gaze at her. When my nurse Erin told me she was gone I didn't cry. I don't know why. I didn't feel like crying. I was so happy to finally meet my daughter.

That's amazing that Sami didn't have an encephalocele!! She is in Heaven now with her twin sister. :)

The hardest part for me too was handing her over. I sobbed and shook like I never have and Anthony had to help me walk out of the funeral home. It was my worst moment. I really think I felt my heart break. It hurt so much! (((hugs)))

I am so glad that you had such compassionate nurses. It really make a world of difference!! My delivery nurse Erin was amazing. She was so gentle and caring. She cared for Carleigh with such tenderness and it touched my heart and meant so much to me. My other nurses were great too! They always made sure we were ok and helped us in any way they could.

I know Sami will have a beautiful service.

I know the days can be tough, especially when you feel like no one understands. I'm just an email/FB chat away and I can also give you my number if you need to text/talk.

Sending my love to you. ♥

Holly said...

Oh, I want to mention. The day of Carleigh's first visitation my milk came in. Have you decided what you are going to do-whether donating it or letting it dry up??

Jill said...

I just wanted to say I am thinking about you and Sami. My heart aches for you as I am still so early in this journey. I lost my sweet babies, Emma and Chase, 2 1/2 months ago. Through all the sadness and heartache I cherish the moments I got to spend with my babies.

You will always hold Sami's strength and courage close to heart. I am so sorry for your loss.

"When someone we love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure"

XOXO

My Very Own Angel said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing this with us. keeping you and your family in my prayers

fragments said...

My heart is aching for you, my heart is aching with you. I'm so sorry that you had to say goodbye to your sweet, beautiful little girl so soon, but I am happy that you felt peace and joy in the short time you were able to spend with her. You're in my prayers.

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Here from LFCA. Lisette, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl. Take care of yourself. The dark days will pass.

Erin said...

I am here from LFCA also and wanted to tell you how sorry I am over the loss of your daughter. She was lovely and I will be thinking of your family.

April said...

I came here from Holly's wishes of prayer for your family. I am sorry for the great loss your family is experiencing and I hope that you are able to feel God's presence near you all.

In my prayers...

Celia said...

My prayers are with you and your family.

Once A Mother said...

sending you prayers for strength. I am so glad you were able to find some comfort in the discovery that she was a twin, and that through this whole journey she has never been alone. I know how hard the nights can be, they are the worst. Be kind to yourself, and all that you are feeling and know, that there are so many of us in this community who understand and are thinking of you.

Tracy said...

I am sending you my prayers. We also just lost our little Aiden on the 23rd of October. The roller coaster ride isn't fun so I know what you are talking about. The nights are sometimes unbearable for me and thank my husband who sits with me and helps me through it. We are lucky to have such strong husbands. I am always here my e mail is tbeers2005@gmail.com. We are both just beginning our journey in our healing but we will make it!

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