Thursday, October 08, 2009

I dread the nights

I have been home now for a few days and it is so overwhelming. I feel like I have so much to do and not enough energy to get it all done. Julian has been sick with the flu and that has not been fun but thank goodness he is getting better now. I am totally sleep deprived and feeling the affects of it. I dread the nights because I am so unconfortable and in so much pain. I have to sleep sitting up and for me that is nearly impossible. I get in about two hours then it is time to switch positions and that takes me a while to get comfortable again, then it is time to repeat again... Horrible!!! I have a doctor appointment tomorrow and I am crossing my fingers that they will be able to drain this fluid because I cannot deal with the pain any longer. I called this morning and I am waiting for a call back from them. I am exhausted, grumpy and ultra emotional so I need something that is going to make me feel better. Today I decided to really get everything ready, like washing Sami's clothes and packing her bag. Two weeks a go I did it in a rush but I have time now to really get it ready and make sure I have everything I will possibly need for myself and her.

Some days it just does not seem real to me. One day I feel like I am ready and the next I feel like I am not. My heart is so torn and I know that is normal but how will life be like after this? I wonder what is going to be my new normal, my new life! So many things to think about and take in. One good thing is that little by little I feel like I am not as scared as I once was. Perhaps because I do not have a choice but go through this, it is what is. I have put all my faith into this, although some people may differ with me on that. I will not mention any names but I have been informed of someone close to me who has said that this is all happening because they believe my faith is not strong enough, God is full of miracles but I just have to trust in him and obviously I am not! You have no idea how much that has hurt my feelings. I would not be able to do this if my faith was not strong enough and if I did not believe in God. God, works in my mysterious ways and for some of us it does not always mean a happy ending and I have learned to accept that. That does NOT have anything to do with how strong my faith or isn't!
I know it is difficult for people to understand what it is really like to be in my shoes right now and I have to try to remember that because it can change my personal relationships with people and I do not want that. I tend to be the "I can do it myself" person and accepting help from people is usually hard for me but I know that in the days to come I will need that extra help. I do not know how to have people care for me especially in this situation because I feel that people will do it because they feel sorry for me. I do not need anyone to feel sorry for me. I know that I am loved and people just want to reach out a helping hand but is so hard for me to just be accepting of that. Sometimes I just want to be left alone and at the same time I just someone to listen to me cry and tell me it is going to be OK. I have come so far now and I have been so strong but as the days go by I just feel like am losing that strength little by little.

As I sit here typing away, while listening to the radio of course Julian sees me crying and oh my little boy... He put his head on tummy, grabbed my hand and had me dance with him! I have just melted, he is the reason why I have to be strong, he is the reason why I have to be able to handle this and just the best person I can possibly be. So I will be on my way... my little guys needs his mommy right now. I will keep you posted with my appointment tomorrow.

2 comments:

Holly said...

I'm glad Julian is getting better. I hate when our kids our sick. :(

I really hope they can drain some fluid for you, hun. It sounds like you are so miserable. You need to get your rest and 2 hrs isn't gonna cut it!

It's hard to say what your life will be like. It's different for everyone, but there is no doubt it will change. People will say the wrong thing and they may let you down. You've got your husband and your son, and that's all you really need. I know the days are getting closer. You can email me at anytime for anything. caring4carleigh@yahoo.com

Hope's Blog said...

I am hoping Julian feels better soon. It is hard to watch your little ones when they are sick.

I also hope you get some relief from the pain tomorrow. I don't know how it feels to have too much fluid, but I can only imagine the lack of sleep...ughhh.

It is hard when people judge you and make comments that are just totally inappropriate. I know how strong your faith is and I believe God is with you through this pregnancy. I have had people question my faith as well and it hurt to hear the words. Some people just want to believe that God's only way of showing us about miracles is to allow our babies to live and grow healthy and strong. I know that is not always true. As sad as it is, God sometimes has different plans for our little ones and all the prayers in the world will not change His mind.

I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers every day.

Love,

Paula

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