Monday, November 16, 2009

Oh Mondays...

Another Monday, this marks 3 weeks that my little girl is no longer with me. Will it always be this way, will I always dread Mondays even more than I did before? I feel like as the days go by it gets harder for me to deal with and it kind of scares me because I want to be able to have much happier days. I try so hard, I try to get out of the house more often so that I am not at home feeling sad and yes it works for a while but there is always that sadness in me. I always feel like there is something missing.

I do the family get together's and as much fun as they are I want to sometimes just get away and hide in a room because I get this sudden feeling to just cry. Cry because I just miss her so much. I can still feel her in my arms and hear her little sounds that I just cannot get it out of my head. Everyday passes and it seems like my tears do not have an ending to them. I do not feel like I have to cry all day but like I have said before anything can trigger the tears. I am a broken soul right now and I am really hurting. At times I do not know how to share that with people because I am not sure they now how to deal with me because they have not been through this. My husband and I of course have gotten closer than ever now which has been wonderful. He has been off of work since Sami was born because his work is wonderful (thank you to all his co-workers who gave him vacation hours) but what is going to happen when I do not have him with me? I am a little worried about that and I have really considered going to a few counseling sessions just for my own well being. I figured that cannot hurt me one bit and I might be able to get a little better insight into this whole grieving process.

Tomorrow we are supposed to go on a road trip and I am trying to force myself to want to really want to go. I keep telling myself it will be good for us to go and get away but I just cannot find any excitement in this trip. I hope that once we get going my attitude will change a little bit. I cannot be such a prude because I know my husband needs a little get away and I do not want to ruin it for him. I am going to make the best of it and like I said hope it turns out to be a good trip.


Holly said...

No, it won't always be that way but sometimes it sure feels endless. It's ok to want to be at home. It's where I'm most comfortable. I'm just now getting better at being in crowds since I realized what a jerk I could be when we were out. I'm consciously trying to change that.

The road trip might be a good thing, and even if you don't enjoy I know sometimes we gotta do things even when we don't like them, especially if it's for our hubbies. I know they do so much for us! But I am hoping that you enjoy yourself!!

April said...

I wish I could say something to make you feel better. If I find anything to make the pain go away and a way to feel happy again, I will be sure to let you know. I really wish we lived closer to each other because it would be nice to have a friend to go to counseling with. I know I need to go, but I haven't been able to make that first step and find a group.

My husband and I just scheduled a cruise and I am really looking forward to getting away from everything that reminds me of being pregnant with Adam, just for a few days. I hope you are able to ejoy yourself on your roadtrip!

Hope's Blog said...

I really wish there was something I could say or do that would make you feel better, but I know there is nothing that will help. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this pain and I wish I could give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on.

AnnaMarie said...

(((hugs))) for you

I found that somedays the grief was even stronger than it was in the beginning, but there were also times that were lighthearted. I learned to thoroughly enjoy the good times that graced my days because at some point I would be overcome with grief again.

Definitely, if you think you need help get help! I was greatly helped by seeing a therapist (and taking antidepressants). I hope you find resources that bring you comfort.

Once A Mother said...

I too had trouble with days, every Thursday makes me think of Peyton. She was born on a Thursday. She died on a Thursday. It's hard that way for quite a while. I am sending you prayers and thoughts to help you through this time. I know it is just so very hard. If you need to be alone, be alone. If you need to cry, cry. If you need therapy, get therapy. I found that speaking to my therapist really helps me. I hope that your experience is the same and that she or he helps you to unload some of these difficult emotions. Thinking of you.
Peace xx

Laura said...

Thinking of you. So many memories and so many emotions. You are doing this well...even on the days you are crying!

Praying for comfort for your heart!
Sending love,

Hope's Blog said...

Hi Lisette,

I am awarding you with the HeartFelt Bloggers Award because your blog has inspired me and you have been so willing to share all of your thoughts and feelings with everyone. You are amazing and I really can't wait to meet you in person.

Post a Comment