Another Monday, this marks 3 weeks that my little girl is no longer with me. Will it always be this way, will I always dread Mondays even more than I did before? I feel like as the days go by it gets harder for me to deal with and it kind of scares me because I want to be able to have much happier days. I try so hard, I try to get out of the house more often so that I am not at home feeling sad and yes it works for a while but there is always that sadness in me. I always feel like there is something missing.
I do the family get together's and as much fun as they are I want to sometimes just get away and hide in a room because I get this sudden feeling to just cry. Cry because I just miss her so much. I can still feel her in my arms and hear her little sounds that I just cannot get it out of my head. Everyday passes and it seems like my tears do not have an ending to them. I do not feel like I have to cry all day but like I have said before anything can trigger the tears. I am a broken soul right now and I am really hurting. At times I do not know how to share that with people because I am not sure they now how to deal with me because they have not been through this. My husband and I of course have gotten closer than ever now which has been wonderful. He has been off of work since Sami was born because his work is wonderful (thank you to all his co-workers who gave him vacation hours) but what is going to happen when I do not have him with me? I am a little worried about that and I have really considered going to a few counseling sessions just for my own well being. I figured that cannot hurt me one bit and I might be able to get a little better insight into this whole grieving process.
Tomorrow we are supposed to go on a road trip and I am trying to force myself to want to really want to go. I keep telling myself it will be good for us to go and get away but I just cannot find any excitement in this trip. I hope that once we get going my attitude will change a little bit. I cannot be such a prude because I know my husband needs a little get away and I do not want to ruin it for him. I am going to make the best of it and like I said hope it turns out to be a good trip.