Monday, November 02, 2009

Dreading tomorrow

I cannot even sleep knowing that tomorrow will be the day I have to say goodbye to my little angel. Yesterday was a day of reflection since we were putting together some programs and some collages of the pictures that were taken. I am so lucky to have so many pictures. I also got a video and the picture CD from Michelle (NILMDTS). She was wonderful and got them back to me so fast, I cannot thank her enough because all the pictures came out beautiful and the video she put together just brings to tears. My little one is so beautiful!

It has been one week today and the pain seems to get worse as these days go by. I wold have thought that after all these months I would have somewhat been prepared for this but I guess NO ONE can never be prepared for this heartache. I have to keep telling myself that she is a better place now and that one day I will see her again. I feel so bad for parents who have to go through this when the passing of a loved one comes as a shock, I cannot imagine that. It seems like my tears are endless and again it comes and goes. Everyday is different and everyday it is something knew that triggers my tears. It seems like Julian knows that his mommy and daddy are hurting because if he sees us cry he will always stay back for a little bit then come to rub our back with one of his gentle hugs. That little guys has gotten us through this past few days like you would not believe. With him I do not have time to sit and just cry. I want to just stay in bed and do nothing but he keeps me going. I still have to be a mom and care for him, he knows something big happened but as his young age not the full extent of it. As a gift someone gave him a book that is perfect because it helps siblings understand about a baby's passing. The book is called "We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead."

Today we have to go drop stuff off at the mortuary to get things ready, not looking forward to that either, I hate going to that place. Tomorrow morning we have to go and dress our little girl (my choice of course). I am actually looking forward to that because I get to hold her in my arms once again. How am I going to do for the rest of the service is beyond me. I know God will help me through this again because he has been with me the whole way.

Now a little message for people who are not sure what to do or how to approach us because of what we are going through... Please do not let us walk alone through this heartache. Most people assume we want to be left alone but it's the opposite, being alone just makes it harder at times. A simple phone call or a visit is always welcomed, if we need the space we will let you know. Feel free to talk about Sami, she is a part of us now and we never want her life to be forgotten. To us she will live forever.


Holly said...

I know things are tough. (((hugs))) Cherish the last moments you'll have with her here on earth. They go by so fast. I'll be thinking of you during the service tomorrow. Take lots of pictures. Sending you ♥

You couldn't possibly prepare yourself for this no matter how hard you tried.

Laura said...

Thinking of you and praying for peace in your hearts. I know this journey is unbearable, but you will find a way to touch others that are facing the same heartache. You have been forever blessed by an angel. I'm sorry you have had to join our "club", but we are here for you, every moment of every day. Please don't hesitate to ask for help any time you need it.
With love,

Tracey said...

My eyes are full of tears thinking of what you'll go through tomorrow...holding our daughter for the last time and then having to put her down and walk away was the most impossible steps I've ever had to make. Its just not how life should go....

Wishing much love and strength to you as you too make those impossible steps tomorrow. With so much sorrow in my heart that you are having to endure this pain...

Hope's Blog said...

I am crying so hard for you today and will be tomorrow as well. I don't think anything could possibly prepare you to say goodbye to your baby, no matter when you find out. I am glad you put a message for people that don't know what to say to you and especially to let them know they can talk about Sami. She is your angel and I know she will be looking out for all of you.



Mattie said...

All I can say is that you will be in my prayers. My daughters service was actually comforting to me. I thought I would be a bawling mess, but God's comfort was so strong that, although sad, it was beautiful to see all the people who loved her there. I pray comfort and peace tomorrow and forever.

Mary said...

My heart aches for you. I know the service will be beautiful. Isn't it amazing what our other living children do for us through our grief. They have no idea! Hugs

Franchesca Cox said...

I am so sorry. I don't even have words but if I could just tell you my heart is hurting for you. I remember that raw pain, and how you said everyday something new triggers your tears. That happens still. I will be thinking about you tomorrow. I am glad you will get to dress your precious Sami, I cherish that time with our daughter. In tears and heartache...

Franchesca Cox said...

I made something for you:

prayers and love

Jimena said...

Lisette Y Laurence: tu fuerza mueve montanas.
El paso de Sami por este mundo tiene un significado y mensaje de amor.
Sus fotos son divinas y me han dado paz interior.
Gracias por compartirla;
Julian es hermoso y este blog te ayudara a que el recuerde a su hermanita.
con mucho carino,

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