I cannot even sleep knowing that tomorrow will be the day I have to say goodbye to my little angel. Yesterday was a day of reflection since we were putting together some programs and some collages of the pictures that were taken. I am so lucky to have so many pictures. I also got a video and the picture CD from Michelle (NILMDTS). She was wonderful and got them back to me so fast, I cannot thank her enough because all the pictures came out beautiful and the video she put together just brings to tears. My little one is so beautiful!
It has been one week today and the pain seems to get worse as these days go by. I wold have thought that after all these months I would have somewhat been prepared for this but I guess NO ONE can never be prepared for this heartache. I have to keep telling myself that she is a better place now and that one day I will see her again. I feel so bad for parents who have to go through this when the passing of a loved one comes as a shock, I cannot imagine that. It seems like my tears are endless and again it comes and goes. Everyday is different and everyday it is something knew that triggers my tears. It seems like Julian knows that his mommy and daddy are hurting because if he sees us cry he will always stay back for a little bit then come to rub our back with one of his gentle hugs. That little guys has gotten us through this past few days like you would not believe. With him I do not have time to sit and just cry. I want to just stay in bed and do nothing but he keeps me going. I still have to be a mom and care for him, he knows something big happened but as his young age not the full extent of it. As a gift someone gave him a book that is perfect because it helps siblings understand about a baby's passing. The book is called "We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead."
Today we have to go drop stuff off at the mortuary to get things ready, not looking forward to that either, I hate going to that place. Tomorrow morning we have to go and dress our little girl (my choice of course). I am actually looking forward to that because I get to hold her in my arms once again. How am I going to do for the rest of the service is beyond me. I know God will help me through this again because he has been with me the whole way.
Now a little message for people who are not sure what to do or how to approach us because of what we are going through... Please do not let us walk alone through this heartache. Most people assume we want to be left alone but it's the opposite, being alone just makes it harder at times. A simple phone call or a visit is always welcomed, if we need the space we will let you know. Feel free to talk about Sami, she is a part of us now and we never want her life to be forgotten. To us she will live forever.