Yesterday was Julian's 2ND birthday which should have made me feel happy but I was having a really hard time with it. Perhaps because Sami's due date was supposed to be on November 15Th and all the should and could haves start to cross your mind. Months ago I was excited when I found out my due date because I was already imagining double birthday party's all the time. I have to admit I was a little sad at first that Julian was going to have to share his birthday but I got over that really fast. Julian was born on my sister's birthday and Sami was due on my dad's birthday so there was going to be much to celebrate.
When life throws a curve ball at you it is so hard to get back on track. I just cannot stop thinking of what could have been, how I would be handling life right now with a toddler running around and a newborn! I try to not let myself think of that but I think it is only normal. I think was is most difficult it just learning to live everyday with out her. I have to come to terms with that reality even though there are moments where I just can't. I have my moments where I am doing alright because I get so consumed with Julian but then he will do something or say something to remind me again that she is not here and then my mood will change so quickly. Thank goodness that most of the time when I think of her all I can do is smile because I have only good memories with her but of course I cry because I miss her so much. Julian will at times point up and tell me to look then he will either say "hi baby or I love you baby" I am not sure but I honestly think he sees something that we don't. I love those moments but then I get sad because I know he would have been such a good big brother to her. My goal now is to forever keep memory with us so that he can later remember her. I don't want her to ever be forgotten by our close family and friends because in my heart she will always live on.