Tomorrow marks exactly one month since I held my daughter in arms. One month since I felt her breath on me and heard her soft angelic whimpers. I remember seeing her for the first time and how instantly I fell more in love with her. I was blessed to not take a single day for granted while I held her in my belly. Since I was twelve weeks and they told me something might be wrong, I went to bed thanking God for giving me one more day with her and I would also tell Sami how much I loved her. Without a doubt she knew how much I loved her. Now I cannot feel her, I cannot read to her like before. She is physically not here with me and I am just having such a hard time with that. I cannot put into words how much my heart aches right now. The pain is so big that I feel it physically. My body does not know how to react to the emotional pain I am in. The pain I feel now reminds me of how I felt when they came to pick her from me at the hospital. Oh gosh I will never forget that moment. Looking back now I am not sure how I managed to get through that. I was holding her and that sudden knock on the door just made my heart sink. There were many knocks on that door but that particular one was different, I just knew who it was. That was when I totally fell apart that day because having her there brought me so much joy that I really made it a point to not cry all over her. But having her no longer there was just excruciating. I was crying so much, holding her tighter than ever, telling her I loved her time and time again while trying to remember every detail about her. Watching my husband put her in the car seat just broke my heart because he was also crying so much while trying to do that. I wish I did not have that memory because it was such a beautiful day until that moment. It was a beautiful day indeed, it was sunny and warm. I sat by the window and let the warmth of the sun touch Sami’s face while I held her. I am so glad I did that now, I am also glad that I got to take a little nap with her too. I wish I could have had more time to make more memories but that just wasn’t God’s plan for us.
This whole week has been pretty bad for me. I just feel so sad and in a way very alone. I know I have many people who I can talk to but I just have not had the energy to do so. I even feel like my own husband does not get me and I know he is feeling just like I am. We all have different ways of dealing with this and I understand that. I have been lucky to have him home with me this past month but starting Monday he will be back at work and I am scared. I have not been alone this whole month, which has been very nice and much needed. However in the past few weeks I have noticed how differently we both deal with our loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve but when it is two people dealing with such a big loss at the same time it is so hard. I say that because I need him like never before and he probably feels the same, however it is at different times. I could be having a good day and he might not and vice versa. With him going back to work I am scared because I have not had to deal with this while being really alone and dealing with Julian. Julian of course keeps us busy but dealing with him and the terrible two’s can at times be a little overwhelming for me right now. I just do not always have the energy to run after him and play all day! Oh we will see how it goes for me; I have to deal with it at one point or another. Oh gosh how this month has been such hell for me! I know I have to take it day by day but some days I just want to hide under a rock. I want to pretend that this is not real; I want to pretend that what happened to Sami really didn’t. I feel like I am living someone else’s life right now, I life that I never even thought about before.
So tomorrow I am going to try to put a smile on face and make the best of it even though my heart is aching. I am going to just think about the wonderful moments with Sami and thank God for giving them to me. I will not be selfish and ruin this holiday for everyone; I know I will get through it. For all of the loss mama’s out there I wish you much strength to get through these holidays. I know you ache as much as I do. May God bless everyone!