Monday, we had to go to the mortuary (a place I really dread) to pick out the readings for the mass and to drop off the bassinet we were going to put Sami in. Since we wee there I was longing to see my baby so I asked if I could dress her since we were going to dress her Tuesday morning. Greg the person helping us was more than happy to give us as much time as we needed with her. Initially seeing her brought me so an uncontrollable sobbing but once I held her in my arms I was actually OK. Holding my baby felt so good but at the same time it was a little weird because I knew Sami was no longer with us. Her body was there but her soul was already somewhere else. I think that is what brought me peace, knowing she was already in a better place that we were not able to provide for her.
Before she was born we had bought her two gowns because we were not sure how big she was going to be when she was born and thank goodness we did because we got her first one a little dirty from the make up they had put on her. So we had to dress her in the second one, it was a little long but still it fit her so well and she looked so angelic in it. We had to remove the stitching from the back of the bonnet because her head had that mass on the side but it still looked so pretty on her little head. They had wrapped her little head so we were not able to see her gorgeous dark hair but that is OK. We have many pictures of that so that we cannot forget that. As were dressing her so many thoughts crossed my mind but I held up surprising well and we both must have told her we loved her about a thousand times! Walking out of there was so hard but I knew I would get to see her again on Tuesday. So again I had to talk to myself to keep it together.
Tuesday morning… I was up so early because I was not able to sleep so well. My husband and I got there really early because we wanted to spend sometime alone with her again and I am so glad for that time. The minute I walked in I picked her from her bassinet and held her in my arms. Part of me was in denial that I was there and really going through that. It almost does not seem real to be in that situation, I even had to ask my husband, “Are we really here?” It is cruel that parents have to go through such pain but for some of us it is our reality. Little by little people stared to show up and we had to move to a bigger room. I walked her to the other room and looking back now I really do not remember that, it is weird. Eventually I had to place her back into the bassinet and I just sat there staring at her. Keeping from sobbing out loud was a little hard but I managed to it well. I had moments of smiles but mainly tears. I do not how many tissues I went through. Again, it is a cruel thing to go through in life.
There were so many people at the service it was really nice to see how much my Sami meant to people. We had a friend of ours sing and play his guitar so that really nice, hard to not cry during those moments. My little nieces were there and I was not sure how they were going to handle seeing Sami since they are still very young. I was so proud of them because through their tears they still managed to go up and see her but it really broke my heart to see their pain. I cannot comprehend what happened so I can only imagine how in their young minds had to process that. Thank God Sami looked so peaceful in her bassinet. She looked like she was a very peaceful sleep, so I hope that helped them see she is in a better place. As the end of service was coming closer I really started to have a harder time because I knew the moments were near that I would have to forever say goodbye to my baby. As soon as everyone came by to pay their respects to us, it felt as I leaped over to her and held her once more. That is when I really had a hard time. I did not want to let her go. I held on to her so tight and kissed her so many more times. My husband was next tome telling me I had to let her go but I could not do it, my arms did not want to let her go. I was frozen and so much in pain at that moment. Everyone was outside waiting for us to release 100 pink and white balloons (100 minutes we had with her, here on earth). I knew I had to let go and I eventually did but walking out of there was devastating. Walking outside and getting some fresh air was nice and it felt good in a way, I think I really needed that. The balloons were released and one white balloon led the rest of the balloons. They all stuck together, I wish I had a picture of that. It was beautiful; the significance behind it reassured me again that Sami is home now. That put a smile on my face.
Before we left for my brother’s house for an early dinner, we stopped by the children’s burial section to put flowers on their graves. Sami received so many flowers that we decided to leave some there for other babies who have passed. It was nice to see Julian take part in that although he did take a lollipop from one grave! They had just had a birthday and the baby’s parents left little candy bags and of course Julian found them. Oh Julian, he keeps me smiling everyday. One funny thing he never wanted the lollipop opened he just held on to it, as a matter of fact just yesterday I found in it in our truck and threw it away! Anyhow, at my brother’s house we were again surrounded by so much love and support it was amazing. Thank you everyone for the support, you have no idea how much that means to us. This is a long one I said and I apologize for going on and on but I just had to share.