I have been trying to figure out these days what it is that I am feeling. I know it is not anger, hurt does not seem like it is enough to describe it. Perhaps what I feel is so big that I am dumb to it. Almost like when you have a traumatic experience and your minds blocks it out, can that be? I know my mind cannot block out what has happened however in a way it almost does because I just cannot believe that I no longer have Sami with me. For so long I held on to her in my womb and now my body is longing for a baby that is no longer here, it does not seem fair. Forever she is in my heart but just getting over not having here physically is so much harder than I thought.
Last week we went to pick up her ashes and it was nice to finally be bringing her home but again so hard to come to terms with not being able to hold her again in my arms. My faith in God has never been so strong like it is now. I never really gave much thought to heaven because I honestly feared death, I knew it was a place that existed but now it is place I think about and a place that I do not fear because I know there is someone so special waiting there for me. I sometimes think maybe this happened to me so that God can get it through to me that heaven is real and that I should not be so afraid to leave this earth. I do not know everyday I try to think of a single reason why this happened to us.
My heart aches knowing that there are so many mothers out there that have been through this and are going to go through this. People can tell you it will be ok but will it ever? Ok means what? You move on and take things day by day but does that mean your life is Ok and that your heart will no longer ache? Does Ok mean that you will no longer want to hold your baby again? I know it is hard for people to say the right words but there are none. A simple hug I think sometimes says more than words can. Oh yeah for people who say “you are young you can always have another one,” think before you speak, especially when the wound is so new. That is so hurtful because my baby is not replaceable to me matter what. I know people mean well but sometimes no words are better. For all the mother’s who have left me messages THANK YOU so much because your words really do get to me because you have also walked this path unfortunately. Your support has been overwhelming and I am forever grateful.