Thursday, November 12, 2009

What am I feeling?

I have been trying to figure out these days what it is that I am feeling. I know it is not anger, hurt does not seem like it is enough to describe it. Perhaps what I feel is so big that I am dumb to it. Almost like when you have a traumatic experience and your minds blocks it out, can that be? I know my mind cannot block out what has happened however in a way it almost does because I just cannot believe that I no longer have Sami with me. For so long I held on to her in my womb and now my body is longing for a baby that is no longer here, it does not seem fair. Forever she is in my heart but just getting over not having here physically is so much harder than I thought.

Last week we went to pick up her ashes and it was nice to finally be bringing her home but again so hard to come to terms with not being able to hold her again in my arms. My faith in God has never been so strong like it is now. I never really gave much thought to heaven because I honestly feared death, I knew it was a place that existed but now it is place I think about and a place that I do not fear because I know there is someone so special waiting there for me. I sometimes think maybe this happened to me so that God can get it through to me that heaven is real and that I should not be so afraid to leave this earth. I do not know everyday I try to think of a single reason why this happened to us.

My heart aches knowing that there are so many mothers out there that have been through this and are going to go through this. People can tell you it will be ok but will it ever? Ok means what? You move on and take things day by day but does that mean your life is Ok and that your heart will no longer ache? Does Ok mean that you will no longer want to hold your baby again? I know it is hard for people to say the right words but there are none. A simple hug I think sometimes says more than words can. Oh yeah for people who say “you are young you can always have another one,” think before you speak, especially when the wound is so new. That is so hurtful because my baby is not replaceable to me matter what. I know people mean well but sometimes no words are better. For all the mother’s who have left me messages THANK YOU so much because your words really do get to me because you have also walked this path unfortunately. Your support has been overwhelming and I am forever grateful.


Franchesca Cox said...

Lisette, I am not sure what ok really means either. Sometimes I think it's just surviving and taking it one day at a time. I promise there are brighter days ahead. I know that idea seems so foreign when the loss is so fresh. I remember feeling just like you did six months ago. It's strange, but I promise you will find healing. I don't think the aching ever goes away, it's the part of our babies that lives on inside of us. Sending you *BIG* hugs

April said...

Your words really do describe how I am feeling. I feel like a piece of me is missing and I don't know how to feel "whole again". I have been thinking about Heaven a lot too. And it's a place I wish I could be. But I know it is not my time and I will just have to wait until God is ready for me. I hope we can both find some kind of peace and be able to enjoy life again. I will pray that God will give you strength to get through this!

Mattie said...

I found a really great book after I lost my daughter called, "I'll Hold You in Heaven" by Jack Hayford. It talks about Heaven and what the Bible says about babies in Heaven. It was a real comfort to me.
You are in my prayers as you learn about your new "OK".

ForeverElliot'sMommy said...

Some days it will take everything in you not scream at something someone says to you. They mean well, but are so uncomfortable, stupid things just come out...and learning this new "normal" is sooo very hard and a long road as I am discovering...but having others to travel this road with is comforting although I wish this was a road less traveled!!
HUGS to you and prayers for your Sami, you and the rest of your family!!

AnnaMarie said...

"Ok" is hard to define in this situation. Two years after my son's death, rather than having the ache fade away I think I'm learning to participate more fully in life while missing my son and while wanting to hold him in my arms everyday.

I'm so sorry that your beautiful Sami is not in your arms right now.

Holly said...

I know that I treasure Heaven so much more know. It seems silly b/c I should've before Carleigh but I guess I never really thought about it. I knew it was a place that I forever would want to be and that I could forever be in the presence of God. But now my little girl is there in the arms of Jesus. It's such a special picture in my mind and I want to be there with them both. I don't fear death like I used to. Death to me now means meeting my little girl.

Once A Mother said...

I am so sorry that you are in the stage of platitudes. That is the worst thing about the early days of grief, all days really, but especially the early days, all those ridiculous sayings that people have heard a million times and repeat over and over to you thinking they are helping.
I think trauma is the right word. This is a trauma, something precious has been taken from you, it's traumatic.
I think of you often and pray for your family to find some peace in these days of dark grief. I am grateful that you have your faith to help you through. In any other ways that we can help, do not be afraid to call on this community of the babylost... we hear you and we understand. Sometimes that is what is needed most.

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