Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Thought I would share this...

A really good friend of mine sent me an email with this little story and I wanted to share with everyone. Thank you my friend, it's a beautiful story!!!

There was once an Angel named Sami and she was playing with other angels in heaven. They where playing with a ball and the ball rolled off, Sami when after the ball. The ball when through a door and that door let her to you and Larry. She is still here with you and only you are getting to hold her at this time, she can feel your love and her dads love through you. Hold on to that until God looks for his missing angel and tells Sami she has to go back to Heaven to be an Angel. She will always be with you in so many ways.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

One of those days...

Today is one of those days where I feel like I am the only one hurting. Everyone else gets to make the best of their Sunday and here I am writing down how terribly sad I am. Today I just feel so alone and I am not sure why. I was actually having a good weekend.
Sami is moving around a lot, reminding me of her love but I can't stop thinking of the future. I want to live in the moment but something always reminds me of what lies ahead of us. I wish the tears could just stop, everyday it is the same thing. I just feel so drained and tired at this point. I look in the mirror and I don't see myself anymore. I see this tired, sad little person looking back at me. I don't want to be that person anymore.
I know with time it will be different but right now I just feel like maybe I have taken on way more than I can handle. I have to somehow find the inner strength that got me to this point already. I know it is there, I just have to really dig deep within myself to get it back. So for starters maybe I should stop writing and get ready to go out somewhere with my family. It is not fair that I ruin their day because of my sad mood. Julian needs his mommy right now and I have to put my personal feelings aside for him. He is still so little and he doesn't understand what is going on.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

I had a dream...

Last night I had the most realistic dream ever and it scared me to death!!! In my dream Sami was born and only lived for a few seconds. In those few seconds I was so overwhelmed by the love I felt for her but once I realized she was no longer with me the pain set in. It was a pain so deep in my body, it was something that I have NEVER felt. I wasn't even able to see because I was crying so much, yet there were no tear! I wasn't able to breath or even move in my bed. Almost as if I was paralyzed but everything and everyone around seemed to be moving. I could hear the nurses talking, my husband was trying to tell me something but it sounded like he was so far away, it felt so real. Thank God the alarm went off this morning.

I have been thinking and trying to mentally prepare for what is going to happen. I guess I will not know what it actually feels like until it really happens to me and now I am just scared because if it felt anything close to that dream, I am seriously going to loose it. How can anyone prepare for this? I had to let out a good cry this morning before I started my day and asked God to please give me the strength to get through this because I am really feeling like I can't. That dream really scared me and now I feel like I am not strong enough. I can't get it out my head, the pain throughout my whole body.

I know everyone tells me that I am strong and they admire that about me but really I am not. Some days I come off as I am but ask me and I will tell you that I have never felt this weak. I know I am not alone in this but I feel like I am, I have never felt this scared either. Days like this don't seem real, am I really going through this? Just a few months ago my life was so different.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Today's meeting...

I was so nervous going to this meeting but it wasn't so bad. I met with Dr. Rodriguez who was so nice. She wanted to know how well informed I was as to Sami's medical condition. She seemed to be relieved once she knew I was completely aware as to what was going on. She did an ultrasound per our request to see if Sami had changed her position and she did so that made us happy. She started to ask what I was expecting on the day of her birth and I let her know that we were prepared with a written birth plan. We went over it and she said in her 30 years of practice she had never seen a birth plan with that kind of detail, she was impressed. She took my plan and made copies for the other involved to see. We waited a few minutes and met with 7 other people. It was a little overwhelming to walk into that office. Everyone right away got up and introduced themselves to us. They had briefly read the plan and they too very kind and understanding of our wishes.
I had written down that in case we see her in any pain that they can administer some pain medication. The NICU doctor said in that case they would have to take her out of our room because they are not allowed to that in a regular birthing room. Dr. Rodriguez stepped in and said given our situation she will ask for an exception for us. That means someone from NICU would come to or room to do that without Sami having to leave the room, they were so understanding!!! Over all the meeting was fast because the birth plan that we took summed it up for them. One really nice thing they said is that at any point in the remainder of the pregnancy if we would like to have an ultrasound done just to give them a call and they would accommodate us as best they can.
I am glad we had this meeting after all because I really felt that they really cared about Sami and I. It was a little emotional but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was glad my honey was there next to me, I think if I would have gone alone I would have just broke down. As we walked out I really did let the tears flow, it wasn't so much of sadness either. I think it was just more of a reality check that I will not be walking out of there in a few months with my little Sami. I am at 27 weeks now and it just seems to be going by so fast. This pregnancy has not been an easy task but I do not regret deciding to walk this journey. There are some days that I am physically in so much pain but it is all worth it.

Monday, August 17, 2009

A little nervous

So I just got a call from the Gina the case worker from the parental center. She said the doctors were looking over my chart and they want to have a meeting tomorrow. I will meet a new doctor (Dr. Rodriguez) to do another ultrasound then go into the meeting. The meeting will be to go over our wishes on the day of her birth. So I guess I should be ready with our birth plan that I had started on. Project of the day!!! Anyhow, my OB will there, Dr. Rodriguez, the NICU Dr and Nurse and a social worker. I kind of knew this was going to happen just didn't think this soon. Kind of makes me a little nervous. On my last visit there, they said it would be up to me to have this meeting but now with them calling me just makes me wonder if they seen something that they hadn't seen before!!! Who knows..
There is such a big part of me that wants to believe that they have found something in that chart that will be positive and hopeful. Have all these prayers been heard? Then of course there are the other thoughts. I am going to try not to over analyze this, I will be there tomorrow and it will all be OK, it is just a meeting. I have to keep telling myself that. Wish me luck and I will let you all know how it goes tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Changes

I have noticed that something is changing, not for the best either and that something is me!!! I am not sure what it is or why but I am becoming another person and I don't like it. I am starting to notice that I just don't care... I don't like that, I am normally not that person, I am very caring person. I think most people would say it's natural but to me it sure doesn't feel like it is. That is just not who I am!

I feel like lately I am just always angry and I don't even know why. Anything can set me off, I mean anything. I wish some people would just stay away and then others I want them to be closer. Everything is just a darn struggle these days. Having relationships with people is hard. I feel like I want to be alone but I know that is not a good thing because I know people care and are really worried about us. I know later on I am going to need everyone more than ever but right now I am just so torn. It's almost like I want people to just let me be but at the same time I don't want to be left alone. It is so weird and hard to explain. I hate not being able to control all these feelings. I am going to try to work on these emotions before I end up hurting someone by saying something I probably shouldn't. I will just leave it at that for now.

On a way more positive note... We are having a mass for little Sami at our church on September 7th. I think I definately need some positive energy... I hope by then I can be more like myself. Anyhow for the people that can make it will be at 10 am.

St. Denis Catholic Church
2151 S Diamond Bar Bl
Diamond Bar, CA 92557

Thank you to all for being so understanding to my ever so changing moods.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

No good news (again)

Today I had another doctor appointment and again I was hoping for something good to hear but like my luck has it no!!!! Sami has more brain tissue on the outside than before on the outside. There is more fluid surrounding that brain tissue than before. Dr. Ross also noticed a slight hemorrhage too. She is in a breech position but no worries there since I still have a ways to go, she can position herself at anytime. Her head is measuring really small because of the brain tissue. Right now the size of her head is that of a 22 week baby in utero. On a good note, she weighs 1.5 pounds and she measuring a little over 12 inches now. So she is growing, which is a good thing of course.

I asked about being induced and she said it is a good thing but most of the time being induced will lead to a c-section and we are trying to avoid that. I think I will just let Sami tell me when she is ready to come into this world. I wanted to be induced but I really don't want to have to pick the date that my daughter will pass away if I don't have to. I did tell Dr. Ross I do not want her heart monitored while I am labor. She agreed that would be best. For me personally it will just worry me to much and while in labor worrying like that is the last thing I need. I have to believe she will be born alive. Another thing she mentioned was while I am in labor they will more than likely drain that extra fluid in the herniated sac outside her little head. They will do that like if they are going to do an amnio. I have not officially finished my birth plan yet, I will give the doctors a copy of it once I am done. That way we all agree with what I want during labor. She said given the severity of her conditions we might not have to have a meeting with all the doctors because the chances of her surving are not good. it is up to me to make that final decision, so we will see how I feel about that in a few weeks.

Today I questioned why I continue to go to these appointments for the first time. I never hear anything positive. I am not sure if I can handle another visit like this but at the same time if I don't go I am going to feel bad because I will feel that I don't care and I am giving up. I made another appointment in 4 weeks, we will see how I feel about keeping it. I suppose I will because I will only have next month and October. November is just around the corner when I look at it that way.

Today was not a good day, I tried to be in good spirits but how do I do that when I hear that my baby is not doing well, I want to hear something good for once. I want to be able to go one day without crying, I want to go one day without having this pain in my heart. Just one day I want to be worry free and more than anything just really happy. Like I said in an earlier post... I have this black cloud following me at all times and I just want it to stop. I want to laugh and really mean it, I want to say I am doing okay and really mean it, but I can't. How am I going to handle being here on earth without my baby girl?
Soon after she is born the holidays will be here, they are supposed to be joyful but I know that this year that will not happen. Of course Julian will make be smile and he will make me stay strong. I will have no choice but to put on a happy face for him. I have to promise myself that no matter what I am not going to give him anything less than wonderful holiday memories. I am thinking way ahead of myself and I need to stop..... Thank God today is almost over, I want to sleep and wake up to another day, hopefully it will be better than today, it just has to.