Thinking and thinking

My mind is constantly going, thinking and thinking and I am just so tired. I keep thinking about how my life would be like if both little ones developed correctly. How would I have handled Julian plus two more? I think maybe God figured I would not be able to handle it. Then I get mad because I am not able to see for myself. That choice was made for me so that gets me angry. This whole journey has obviously not been my choice. It has been out of my control. This really has really tested my faith. I have to take a moment every now and then and remind myself that my faith is what has gotten me through my most difficult days.

I keep remembering the day she was born, I can say I was truly blessed. Seeing Sami and seeing her conjoined twin. Her twin was never fully formed but I still still acknowledge her life. She had a perfect little eye, a nose and even a little ear. We actually named her Faith (I say her because I have a feeling she would have been another little girl). Together they made it 38 weeks in my belly. I feel a little bit more at ease knowing that it was not Encephalocele. It also helps me understand more the other complications that she had going on. Sami is not alone in heaven and that gives me some comfort. Again, I can say I am blessed because they both came and left this world in such a peaceful way. I did not see Sami in any sort of pain or discomfort. It was hard to have her in my arms and not do anything to help her get better but at the same time, I did not want to see her full of tubes and being poked by needles. That is no life for a tiny baby. I knew I had to give her up. God needed his angel back and knew I had no choice in fighting that. I got to hold her and cherish every second of it. I am glad that the hospital staff was very nice and they followed my birth plan. I had her with me for a total of eleven hours before we called the mortuary to come pick her up. That moment I wish I could just block it out of my mind. I am traumatized by that moment. Seeing my husband place her tiny 4 pound body in the car seat and watch two strange men walk out with my daughter was the so hard. I have never cried so much in my life. My body was shaking uncontrollably as I tried to give her one last kiss and say one more I love to her. I can’t help but cry when I think of that moment. I tried to remember every single detail about her at that moment. I can still hear that dreadful knock on the door when they came, before I even seen the two men I started to cry, I knew it was time to let her go. How can anyone do that job, to walk into a room and take a new baby from their mother’s arms. Not one day goes by that I don’t think of that moment. Why can’t I just remember the good things? Lately I have been having dreams of Sami’s funeral service. The last one I had this week, I was sitting in the back of the room watching everyone but I held another baby in arms. After a while I got up and placed this other baby next to Sami with everyone watching me. I woke up in a sweat, perhaps it is my subconscious thinking of her little twin. I normally don’t talk about that to people besides my honey.

This week I am not as angry and I think it is because I am just letting myself feel the true sadness in my heart. I have been crying more and just letting the anger go. That has actually made me feel better these past few days. This week has been much better than last week because I am not as angry. I could handle the tears much better for some reason.

I also want to ask everyone to pray and support all the heart babies with CHD and their families. This week is Congenital Heart Defect awareness. Have a great weekend everyone.