Friday, March 26, 2010

Happy 5th month Birthday is Heaven my angels...

I miss you everyday baby girls. I love you more and more everyday. Not a moment goes by that I do not think of you and remember that precious little face of yours. It feels like just yesterday I gazed into your little eyes. The past few months have been really difficult for me without you here but I know that today you walk along side Jesus and you are taken care of better than I could have ever taken care of you. You and Faith are together rejoicing in our heavenly kingdom with no pain and suffering and that brings me so much comfort. I often sit and think about the magical place you both call home, I can’t even begin to imagine all the beauty that you both are surrounded by.
There are days when the selfish part of me is angry that I do not get to see you laugh and play and then it seems like you find a way to let to me how happy and at peace you are and it calms me down. I know God loves you so much that he could not be without you. I have heard many people say “God always takes the good one’s first” and that is so true because you’re perfect in everyway, you are way too good for this world.

Sami, your strength just makes me so proud of you. For 38 weeks you carried the weight for you and your sister Faith and I know that was not an easy task for you. I am amazed that with your broken little heart and your hurt little tummy you managed to still be with me for 1 hour and 40 minutes. I can still hear those precious little sounds you made; it is still music to my ears. You never showed that you were in any pain or had any type discomfort. Perhaps you just did not want me to see you hurt because you know how weak your mommy can sometimes be. I honestly do not know how you did it, you were one strong little girl! You definitely showed me what it is to be strong. When you left to be with God you closed your little eye and peacefully went to sleep. At that time my heart knew you had received your angel wings but in my head I just could not accept the fact that you were no longer here. I am sorry that I cried so much over you when I should have just let you see and feel the joy you brought into my life. How I wish I could have done something to save you and cure all your ills. I am sorry I could not do more for you. You were here only for a brief moment with me but you filled my heart with so much joy and love to last a lifetime.

Thank you so much for always being with your big brother Julian. You always make sure he knows you are with Jesus and now with your Tia Marie. I love those days when he lets me know he can see you and feel you near by. Those moments always make me smile. I love you, I love you, and I love you! I can say that a million times but it will never be enough to prove to you how much I really mean that.

I promise you that as long as there is a breath in me, I will never forget you. I cannot wait for the day we can meet each other again my sweet angels. For now please continue to watch over us. Sweet dreams my little angels…

I love you forever,
I like you for always
As long as I am living
My baby you will be…

Why did you take her? I cry to God. He said, she wasn't yours to keep. But why her? Why did you have to choose her?” quietly I plea. I didn't choose her, I chose you” His answer boldly came. I don't understand” I replied. And He answered me once AGAIN; I needed a mother for an angel. Not just any person would do. I needed someone very special, and that's why I chose you. I needed someone with strength of heart, and courage beyond compare. I needed someone I could rely on who wouldn't be afraid to care. A person that sees beyond the pain, and understands the hurt. To be a mother to an angel is the grandest of My work.
I saw in you, all these things. You were perfect for the job. I didn't know quite what to say, and all I could do was sob. Don't cry, My child, I know this is hard, but it is all a part of My plan.
I've been with you along the WAY; I've never stopped holding your hand.
'This job is tough and not meant to be easy, even now that My angel is home.
And you've made Me so proud to see how in faith and love you have grown.
I will always be near and you have a special place,
for becoming a mother to an angel of grace.
My heart became still, my mind was at peace; the answer had become clear.
I finally understood it all; the reason I was here.
Thank you, God, for seeing in me what I could not.
Your will is done and my service to You, will never stop.' And God said, 'I know

Author Unknown


With Out My Punkin said...

((HUGS)) Thinking of you and your sweet angles. You said that Sami had CDH too?

Kristine said...

Thinking of you. So much love.... xoxox <3

lost--for--words said...

These days are so hard... Knowing we should be celebrating milestones and watching our babies grow and thrive... Your girls know you love them. You were strong enough to give them life, and no matter how brief that life was, it was significant. I am so sorry that your sweet babies are not in your arms. I know how much it hurts. I wish for lots of strength for Julian too - I have a two year old as well who is trying to figure out and process the loss of her sister and it hurts me deeply to watch her try to understand it all. It is amazing how much they do pick up on though, but so very sad that such young children have to know what grief is at all.
Regarding the note you left me about poly... Yes, it hurt me terribly too! I couldn't sleep, couldn't lay down, couldn't sit. Standing was the only bearable position to be in at the end, otherwise I felt like I was suffocating (and in hindsight, probably was.) When I went in for my fetal assesment ultrasound on the day that Freja ended up being born, they did an amnioreduction to drain some of the fluid and took 6.5 litres (almost two gallons,) and I still had lots more.
Thinking about you and your babies today, and always!

Jill said...

Thinking of you and Sami! xx

Laura said...

Thinking of you so much...praying for your heart. You are so loved and Sami is so proud of you.

Sending love,

April said...

Lisette, what a wonderful and touching post. You brought tears to my eyes. Thinking of you...

Hope's Blog said...

As always, I am crying as I type this to you. Happy Birthday in Heaven Sami and Faith. Your mommy is such a special mommy and is missing you both so much.

Lisette...this post touched me so much today. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. {{HUGS}} to all of you.

Elena said...

Happy 5 month birthday!!
You are such an amazing woman with a great heart and a beautiful soul! I like the quote "God always takes the good ones first". This entry touched my heart and thank you for sharing that story and this blog entry. I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers as always.


The Blue Sparrow said...

Lisette, that last poem was so touching. It brought tears to my eyes. I've never seen that one before. Thank you for sharing it with me. Happy 5 months sweet girl! *HUGS*

Anonymous said...

a beautiful post. *hugs*

Michele said...

Thinking of you and sending loving thoughts...

Holly said...

Happy 5 month birthday to your girls.

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