As an adult it is sometimes so hard for me to understand death. So I having an even harder time trying to make my God daughter Andrea understand why her mom was taken away so soon. She is just 10 years old. She shouldn’t have to be dealing with this now. She told me the other day it felt like her heart was going to pop out of her chest. When she said that it brought me back to those early feelings of loss, the days when the pain felt so unbearable that it felt like I couldn’t even catch my breath. I wish I was able to tell her that it would only take a few days for that pain to go away, that in a few days her life would be back to normal. We have no choice but to learn to live with such great pain, we have no choice in learning to live pretty much a new life. For Andrea her world was changed from one minute to the other. I can still hear her screams as she heard the news and walked in to see Marie in the hospital. It was so hard for me to have to stand there as she cried over her mommy, yelling at her to wake up, telling her mom that she promises to be a good girl from now on. I think of that so much because it kills me know that they have to live this pain forever. Her perfect world was taken from her at that moment. Prior to that day her biggest worry was getting homework done, now it is trying to learn to live without her mommy. I know with time her pain will not be as intense however I am sure she will always be able to go back to that exact moment and relive it again. A traumatic experience like is nearly impossible to forget.
At this moment Andrea is very angry. She had a meltdown the other night that consisted of her throwing things and a fit of crying, I get it. There are days when I want to do the same however I am able to talk myself out of it. She does not know how to do that quite yet. I hope she will soon for her own sanity. For the older two it is so frustrating because not only are they dealing with their own feelings but also trying to make sure that Andrea and Gabrielle are learning to cope the loss this loss positively. My brother is now a single parent who has to keep it all together for himself and his family, I feel his pain. The two older feel that they need to parent as well. I think because they are much older than the little one’s it is a natural thing to do. I feel the need to do that as well and I do not live in their home. Gabriel is finishing up his last semester in college and is completely overwhelmed, I feel his pain. Cassandra being the eldest just feels she needs to carry the burden for them all, she feels she needs to try to keep things are normal as possible, I feel her pain. They are all hurting and they are all right in feeling what they feel. This is so hard and it is killing me inside. Again, this makes it so hard not to question God’s plans for us. I feel like at this point I have officially given my all to faith because that is all I have to hold on to in order to be able to cope with all of this. I have to keep reminding myself that God is walking along side of me and my family. Sorry if this post is everywhere but that is how my mind has been these past few weeks. Have a good weekend everyone. I am going to make sure I set some special time for Andrea and I, I feel like I need to really give my time to her individually.