Monday, March 15, 2010

I hate this Monday

This weekend went fairly well. I spoke to Andrea and she was able to open up and vent. She really needed that, I pray she has a better week ahead. That little girl is just amazing.

Yesterday we went to a store and we just happened to pass by the entrance of the hospital where I had Sami, it was weird because it instantly made me cry. I didn't even think about it the tears just came. I think it brought back many emotions for my husband too because without saying a word he just grabbed my hand and looked over at me. I love the fact that he doesn't get weirded out that something like that can make me cry. I love to know that I am not alone on those feelings. He really understands me. He doesn't have to cry for me to know that.

It is so crazy that I could get a rush of emotions through out my whole body by just passing by the entrance of that hospital. I have so many bitter sweet memories there. My parenatologist office was there so I was there quite often, hearing more bad news after another but on a happy note, I got to see her many times by ultrasound.

That wasn't what got to me though, it was the thought of knowing that is the only place Sami ever knew. It was the only place where I held her alive in my arms. It is the place where she was baptized at. It was the place where she made her little faces and let out the sweetest little sounds. It is the place where I felt God's presence and the place that made me feel completely at peace. It is the place where I cried like never before yes smiled so much because I finally held her in my arms. It was the place where I had the most powerful hour and 40 minutes of my life. in those few minutes as we drove by I was there again on October 26Th. A day that is forever engraved in my heart and the day that has completely changed who I am forever. Who would have thought that a hospital could be that place?

So today I am in one of my "I hate Mondays" mood. Monday's bring to that day as well. I sit and get sad that the weeks keep passing without Sami being here with me. This month she would 5 months. I often wonder how she would be, what she would look like by now. So many questions that I will never get answered. I hate this, I hate this Monday.


Jill said...

Oh sweetie, I am thinking about you and remembering Sami with you. I think it is normal for us to have those flood of emotions. So happy your husband is there for you and understands. My husband 'gets' me and most times he just knows by looking at me and I know by looking at him. Hoping Tuesday will be a little better day. xo

Hope's Blog said...

Just reading this I can imagine how you feel. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but I know there isn't. You are always in my thoughts.

Love and hugs,


lost--for--words said...

I feel the same way about the hospital that my daughter was born at. We've had to go back for various reasons over the past months, and walking through those doors always takes me back to those fifteen days that we basically lived in there while our baby was there. I still feel aweful that the hospital was the only place she knew in her short life. I wanted so desperately to be able to take her outside to have the warm Spring sun shine on her face.... Thinking of you and Sami...

Laura said...

Thinking of you today...I so love your honest and transparent heart. Praying for comfort...even now.


Heather said...

I'm so sorry Monday was so rough for you. I understand what you mean about seeing the hospital. I spent 8 weeks on bed rest in our hospital listening to my baby girl's heart beating and, like your Sami, it was the only place she lived outside the womb. My OBGYN has an office in the doctor's building near the hospital, and though I've been there several times now, it still sends those emotions through me, seeing that place.

Elena said...

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I'm glad to hear you have a very supportive husband.

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