Lately I have been having my funky dreams again. It has been nice because I have been dreaming a lot of Marie. I just can’t figure out if I know she is really gone in those dreams. They are so real, her voice, her gestures. The same dreams keeps happening, we are just looking through pictures. I wish there was a special meaning to them. Maybe there is but I cannot figure it out. Julian surprised me this weekend because he was watching Sami’s video (he loves to watch it) and while watching it he said his usual “baby ouchie” and points to his head. He knows something was wrong with her. Then he said said “Tia (aunt), baby, Jesus” I was like what? He said it twice! I haven’t really told him that his auntie is not here with us anymore! I tell you, my son sees things that I cannot. It makes me smile when I think of that because it confirms that they are together. Marie is with my baby girl, it brings me such peace.
Back to my dreams, I had dreams of me being pregnant (twice) and another one of me building a white crib (Marie was with me). It just got me thinking of a rainbow baby. Am I ready to try again? I am terrified, I know the chances of any complications are slim but they can happen again, I am not exception to that rule. The doctor said to give my body at least 6 months and well that would be after April, that is only next month! I wanted to give myself a year but if I wait the complete year Julian and baby will be 4 years apart, I always envisioned my baby’s closer in age. My brother Ernie and I are 3 years apart and it is great. I wish I knew that everything will be OK. Another thing that scares me is by having another baby, will that make people forget that Sami existed? I often feel that is happening now. It seems like her name is mentioned less and less. I am having a hard time with that since it has only been 4 months! I will post about that later. Another thing that worries me is if I do become pregnant again will people think that I am doing it to replace her? No one will ever replace her, but I know people come up with stupid ideas. I don’t even want to think about that one. I often wonder too, how will the pregnancy make me feel, happy, guilty? I hope if and when it does happen that I am at peace. I would like to enjoy it and not take one moment for granted like I did with Sami. It was a very painful journey but not a day went by that I didn’t thank God for such a blessing. I wish something inside of me would tell me that I am ready, that I can handle it and that I will love this child without ever feeling guilty.
My honey and I have talked about this more lately and we both are scared but we both feel like our family is not complete yet. There is still more to our story. When we were dating we said we were going to have 4 kids, 3 boys and 1 girl to be exact! I don’t know what our future holds but I do know we are not done yet. We do know that our future baby will know that someone came before, someone who touched our lives and someone who has changed our family forever. They will know that their big sister Sami will always be watching over him or her. Gosh how I wish things were different! I feel like I miss her more and more each day. Just a year ago this month I was overjoyed because I found out we were expecting. Now here I am with empty arms wishing I could hold her for just once second longer. Not a second goes by that I don’t think of her.
Please, please baby Hope in your prayers. She had her second surgery on Monday. You visit her mom’s blog Hope's Blog Thank you so much! She means so much to me.
1 year ago