Wednesday, March 10, 2010

My funky dreams

Lately I have been having my funky dreams again. It has been nice because I have been dreaming a lot of Marie. I just can’t figure out if I know she is really gone in those dreams. They are so real, her voice, her gestures. The same dreams keeps happening, we are just looking through pictures. I wish there was a special meaning to them. Maybe there is but I cannot figure it out. Julian surprised me this weekend because he was watching Sami’s video (he loves to watch it) and while watching it he said his usual “baby ouchie” and points to his head. He knows something was wrong with her. Then he said said “Tia (aunt), baby, Jesus” I was like what? He said it twice! I haven’t really told him that his auntie is not here with us anymore! I tell you, my son sees things that I cannot. It makes me smile when I think of that because it confirms that they are together. Marie is with my baby girl, it brings me such peace.

Back to my dreams, I had dreams of me being pregnant (twice) and another one of me building a white crib (Marie was with me). It just got me thinking of a rainbow baby. Am I ready to try again? I am terrified, I know the chances of any complications are slim but they can happen again, I am not exception to that rule. The doctor said to give my body at least 6 months and well that would be after April, that is only next month! I wanted to give myself a year but if I wait the complete year Julian and baby will be 4 years apart, I always envisioned my baby’s closer in age. My brother Ernie and I are 3 years apart and it is great. I wish I knew that everything will be OK. Another thing that scares me is by having another baby, will that make people forget that Sami existed? I often feel that is happening now. It seems like her name is mentioned less and less. I am having a hard time with that since it has only been 4 months! I will post about that later. Another thing that worries me is if I do become pregnant again will people think that I am doing it to replace her? No one will ever replace her, but I know people come up with stupid ideas. I don’t even want to think about that one. I often wonder too, how will the pregnancy make me feel, happy, guilty? I hope if and when it does happen that I am at peace. I would like to enjoy it and not take one moment for granted like I did with Sami. It was a very painful journey but not a day went by that I didn’t thank God for such a blessing. I wish something inside of me would tell me that I am ready, that I can handle it and that I will love this child without ever feeling guilty.

My honey and I have talked about this more lately and we both are scared but we both feel like our family is not complete yet. There is still more to our story. When we were dating we said we were going to have 4 kids, 3 boys and 1 girl to be exact! I don’t know what our future holds but I do know we are not done yet. We do know that our future baby will know that someone came before, someone who touched our lives and someone who has changed our family forever. They will know that their big sister Sami will always be watching over him or her. Gosh how I wish things were different! I feel like I miss her more and more each day. Just a year ago this month I was overjoyed because I found out we were expecting. Now here I am with empty arms wishing I could hold her for just once second longer. Not a second goes by that I don’t think of her.

Please, please baby Hope in your prayers. She had her second surgery on Monday. You visit her mom’s blog Hope's Blog Thank you so much! She means so much to me.


April said...

I'm sure the dreams about Marie are bittersweet because they feel so real and she is alive in them but then you wake up and realize she is gone again. I am so sorry you are dealing with this loss while still grieving for Sami! I also agree that kids see things that we can't. My daughter tells me all that time that she sees Adam and Jesus together!

As for a rainbow baby, do it when you feel it is right and don't worry about what other's think. I have already been asked when I will be "replacing" Adam. I was stunned anyone would actually use that word! People can't be replaced! I'm sure you will do a wonderful job making sure your future children know all about your beautiful Sami!

Holly said...

I agree w/ April. The dreams have to be bittersweet. It's nice to be able to see her in your dreams but I'm sure it makes you miss her so much!

It's hard to say when it's right to try again if you are willing. You both just have to feel ready. Both my hubby and I knew that we would try again soon and that any babies we would have in the future would not replace Carleigh at all. There is no replacing her. She is her own person and there will only be one of her in this world.

Jill said...

Dreams can be a strange thing. They can make us sad, give us comfort, and make us have so many emotions.

I too feel that there is more to our story and we are hoping for a rainbow in the near future. I too wish I could hold my babies even if it were just for another second. xx

Heather said...

The thought of trying again is scary, and I have thought of all of the things you are saying here. Going through a loss just changes the way we see things.

I too worry that people will forget Madelyn when we have another baby. Both of her grandmas have pictures of her in their house, but I pray those pictures won't be replaced, but they will just add to them. No one will replace Madelyn, no one will replace Sami. They are always with us, in our hearts. But it's easy to wonder if others see it the same way we, as the mothers, do.

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