Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Julian misses Sami

My honey is out of town for work, he just left yesterday and I am already sad. He will be gone for the month but he will be able to come home for Easter this time. I am glad because last Easter without him was lonely. Today I am having a real emotional day and it sucks because at work I have to hide my emotions. I don’t work with people who I feel I can really open up to. To them I lost a child, yes they feel for me but that is it. My child’s name is never mentioned, they never ask how I am doing. They just assume that I am still the old me. Little do they know, that will never be. In a way I don’t care that they don’t care either, is that weird? I guess it’s because I work with people who I know will not be in my life forever and that is OK with me.

I think what triggered by mood was this morning with Julian. I was packing some clothes to stay at my mom’s to avoid the one hour drive this week while Julian was watching his morning show on the Sprout channel. I was about to zip up the bag when he handed me Sami’s blanket that I sleep with and he told me “mom, baby.” It amazes me how much he pays attention to things. It’s not like we ever told him that the receiving blanket is Sami’s or anything he just knows. It just makes me sad because he remembers her and thinks of her so often. Just like her urn, he just knows that is the baby, never wants to play with it, as a matter of fact the few times he has come close to the bear he just kisses it. Weird because at the hospital he didn’t want to get to close to her, but he did get close enough to share his cheerios with her! It hurts me because Sami is not here with us to be able to feel the love he has for her. I could only imagine how all of this would have impacted him if he was a little bit older. Julian is only 2 and he so aware things are not the way they are supposed to be. He knows that there is someone missing for our family. It just breaks my heart that we don’t have her here with us. I miss her so much and Julian does too. He would be such a great big brother to her. I am sad that he doesn’t get to share his life with her. I had so many dreams for both of my kids.

Then at work today I was looking through my old emails and I found so many old emails from Marie. Then it reminded me that I had another dream of her and I was pregnant. I think she is trying to tell me something because I have had at least three dreams like that with her. I love having dreams of her but it makes me sad because that is all I have now. I miss her so much. I often catch myself forwarding emails to her like before or even wanting to call her, I can’t get myself to erase her number from my cell phone. It’s been one month without her and it feels like forever. So much heartache is such a short period of time, it’s not fair. I wish things could be so different. At mass this weekend I really felt her presence there and then they sang a song that just made me cry because she loved that song and they sang it at her service too. On Saturday it was exactly one month since she passed away. It just reminded me of the day she passed. As soon as we left the hospital we went straight to mass (Marie always attended Saturday mass and was a eucharist minister) and we felt her there so much. It was already an emotional day to begin with and then they sang one of her favorite songs from church. It just assured us she was with God already. Marie’s faith was so strong and she was such a he part of church. Is today almost over? I am just so sad today remembering Sami and Marie.

12 comments:

Jill said...

I think it is so sweet that Julian thinks of his sister so often. Even though he doesn't get to physically share his life with Sami, he will still get to share his life with her. She will always be a part of him and will always be his sister.

Sorry that you can't express your emotions at work. That must be so hard. I am fortunate to have some caring people at work and am able to share my babies. I wish we never had to hide our emotions and that we could open up whenever we wanted. Sending you LOTS of love! xo

April said...

I think little kids really do understand a lot more than we give them credit for. My daughter is a little older than Julian and she brings Adam up all the time and always wants to play with his stuff. It hurts so bad because I know she will never be able to be his big sister on Earth. As much as it hurts us, I think maybe it makes Julien and Allison happy to think about their babies.

I can't even imagine how much your heart must be breaking right now, losing Sami and Marie. I wish I could help you somehow. Maybe just picturing Marie taking care of Sami in Heaven will bring you some peace. Hugs!!

Hope's Blog said...

Julian is such an intuitive little guy. I think it is precious that even though he is so young, he knows so much and has so much empathy. It is said he had to learn it through the death of Sami, but he is already a really compassionate boy.

I am keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers as we get closer to the Easter holiday.

klarsen said...

So sorry, Lisette. It amazes me how much Bobby seems to notice, too. (He is going to be 2 on March 30.) I wear a heart necklace with some of Hannah's ashes in it around me neck everyday. He kisses it and says "Hanni". He blows kisses to her urn and her picture. It makes me so sad. It makes me so sad to know he will grow up without his little sister, just like Julian. It really doesn't seem fair---not to us or them. Lots of love to you. xxx

Elena said...

I am so sorry that you are had an emotional Tuesday Lizette. Thank you for sharing your emotions. I feel similar to how you feel. Our youngest is 2 and talks about Lilly often and he knows too Lilly is missing and our family is not physically complete. I am so so sorry especially cause I know what you are going through and I don't wish for anyone to feel this way. I'm new at this and may not know what to say so please forgive me if I have offended you. Its hard cause you want to talk about Sami and I want to talk about Lilly and most people don't understand that or it makes them so sad that our babies are not with us. Sorry this is long, you know I'm famous for long posts.

Jessica said...

*hugs* Your son is such a precious gift and the fact that he is so aware of his sister at such a young age is even more beautiful. He definitely loves his sister very much. Thinking of you and your wonderful son as well as your sweet Sami.

mrslinares said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mrslinares said...

I been following your blog for a while and i had never comment but today reading this post i couldn't stop crying, what a sweet boy you have. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Sami was such beautiful baby.

crystal theresa said...

((hugs)). it is so sweet and so sad at the same that time Julian is missing his baby sister. i'm sorry you are surrounded by people who don't mention your baby and don't ask how you are. it's difficult having to put that "i'm okay" face on, especially after losing Marie. i glad you can still feel her presence in your dreams and when you go to church - although it's sad, i think it does bring a small sense of comfort.

Holly said...

I love how Julian remembers his sister. I wish that Sami could grow up with him. They both deserved that so much!!

I'm glad you felt Marie's presence. I love those moments when those we love feel so close to us.

Carlitos said...

It all seems so unfair. But I keep thinking , god wouldn't put us through this unless he knew we were strong enough to survive it. I'm here for you Lisette. Love you.

With Out My Punkin said...

I love how Julian remembers his sister. I hope that it brings you comfort when you feel Marie, I bet she is taking great care of Sami! Thinking of you!

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