My honey is out of town for work, he just left yesterday and I am already sad. He will be gone for the month but he will be able to come home for Easter this time. I am glad because last Easter without him was lonely. Today I am having a real emotional day and it sucks because at work I have to hide my emotions. I don’t work with people who I feel I can really open up to. To them I lost a child, yes they feel for me but that is it. My child’s name is never mentioned, they never ask how I am doing. They just assume that I am still the old me. Little do they know, that will never be. In a way I don’t care that they don’t care either, is that weird? I guess it’s because I work with people who I know will not be in my life forever and that is OK with me.
I think what triggered by mood was this morning with Julian. I was packing some clothes to stay at my mom’s to avoid the one hour drive this week while Julian was watching his morning show on the Sprout channel. I was about to zip up the bag when he handed me Sami’s blanket that I sleep with and he told me “mom, baby.” It amazes me how much he pays attention to things. It’s not like we ever told him that the receiving blanket is Sami’s or anything he just knows. It just makes me sad because he remembers her and thinks of her so often. Just like her urn, he just knows that is the baby, never wants to play with it, as a matter of fact the few times he has come close to the bear he just kisses it. Weird because at the hospital he didn’t want to get to close to her, but he did get close enough to share his cheerios with her! It hurts me because Sami is not here with us to be able to feel the love he has for her. I could only imagine how all of this would have impacted him if he was a little bit older. Julian is only 2 and he so aware things are not the way they are supposed to be. He knows that there is someone missing for our family. It just breaks my heart that we don’t have her here with us. I miss her so much and Julian does too. He would be such a great big brother to her. I am sad that he doesn’t get to share his life with her. I had so many dreams for both of my kids.
Then at work today I was looking through my old emails and I found so many old emails from Marie. Then it reminded me that I had another dream of her and I was pregnant. I think she is trying to tell me something because I have had at least three dreams like that with her. I love having dreams of her but it makes me sad because that is all I have now. I miss her so much. I often catch myself forwarding emails to her like before or even wanting to call her, I can’t get myself to erase her number from my cell phone. It’s been one month without her and it feels like forever. So much heartache is such a short period of time, it’s not fair. I wish things could be so different. At mass this weekend I really felt her presence there and then they sang a song that just made me cry because she loved that song and they sang it at her service too. On Saturday it was exactly one month since she passed away. It just reminded me of the day she passed. As soon as we left the hospital we went straight to mass (Marie always attended Saturday mass and was a eucharist minister) and we felt her there so much. It was already an emotional day to begin with and then they sang one of her favorite songs from church. It just assured us she was with God already. Marie’s faith was so strong and she was such a he part of church. Is today almost over? I am just so sad today remembering Sami and Marie.
1 year ago