Happy Birthday Sami

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my precious daughter!!!

I am filled with so many emotions right now that it is so hard to type and put into words how I feel. As I watch the clock I am put back to every second that happened last year on this day. From me remembering how guilty I felt for eating an ice cream so late at night but I couldn't help it because I just had to have it. Sami was kicking away and we laughed because I kept telling my husband that it wasn't me that wanted the ice cream it was her. Julian falling fast alseep after a long day at Disneyland and waking up screaming baby the second my water broke in bed. I still can't explain that moment. Just every second, I remember like it just happened. 5:04 AM we welcomed Lauren Samantha Delgado into this world. I wish I could feel her tiny breaths against my cheeck again, I wish I could feel her tiny hand wrapped around my finger and I wish I could feel her velver curls again. It has been such an amazing feeling being her mommy. There has been so much pain yet so much beauty. I am sure many of you have heard Beauty from Pain, well that's how it really is. One day I will understand why this happened. I just can't believe how fast this year has gone by. Again, I will say that just means that I am one day close to her.

Sami, mommy loves and misses you so much. I hope  you got to see all the balloons on Saturday. It was so special to see all them fly up together. I wish I could hold you once again, I wish I could look into your eyes and tell you how much I need you here with me. I am broken because you have a piece of me with you. I know you are in a better place but the selfish part of me wants you here. Julian has been singing Happy Birthday to you all weekend, can you hear him? Please send me a warm whisper to reassure me that you are happy and that you really do feel my love.

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Sami Happy Birthday to you!!!!

I love you so much little mama!!!

Sami's celebration part two

Yesterday, we decided to go take some flowers to the babies at the baby land at the cemetery like we did after her service last year. It's bittersweet but it makes me smile. A lady was there and she came up to me and told me "I am not sure why you are doing this but I think it's a great, thank you" she had tears in her eyes. I told her it was in honor of my daughter, I guess she was there to see her parents and a brother who only lived one day. I guess I had already put some flowers at his sight by the time she got there. I think I am going to keep this tradition going.
Julian has fun doing that, he was cleaning of the plaques up too. He released his last balloon for his sister because on Saturday he wasn't ready to let go of his smiley face balloon but once we were there he wanted and let it go, he said Happy Birthday to her again and again. It broke my heart but I love that he loves her so darn much. He was hugging and kissing her so much.

Sami with the flowers for all the other angel's.

Julian giving Sami kisses



When we got there no flowers were in sight



I think we did an ok job of adding some color



Sami's celebration

First off I want to thank everyone who sent me messages, cards and gifts for Sami's birthday. I am just overwhelmed by all the love and support we have received.

OK so Wednesday I finally received the shipment of all the balloons. I wanted to write the names on the balloons before I had them inflated so I started to do that on Thursday night after work. My family had to attend service for our neighbor so since I had my sister in law there I put her to work and started writing names. Well the markers I had bought were not really working on them too well. It was too late to run to the store for some more because it was already 10pm. Friday morning I had to get the balloons to the store early because there was 100 that needed to get inflated! I figured I would just write the names after they were inflated, I should have just done that from the start but oh well, I still had 50 to go. Thank goodness we have big cars in my family because it only took 4 cars to transport the balloons back to my brother's house. That was a project!!! By this time, I had tried to set up the tables and chairs at the house so that I wouldn't have to worry about it Saturday morning. I am so glad I did that. I was rushing because we had the walk to remember at the hospital at 7pm. Well we all rush there and my luck they messed up on my invite because it's on the 28th!!!!!! Fantastic.... well back to name writing on the balloons. I should have been taking photos of that so that you can see every name but at this point I was so tired I just wanted to finish so that I could go to sleep.
Saturday morning came, mass was early 9am but so worth it. Many people didn't go but there was a lot still there. It was great to turn around and see so many people. Sami's nurses were there and let me tell you, that just made my day. I love Cheryl and Angie with all my heart. They are nurses with the heart of gold and will forever be a part of my life.
I had my camera ready to go and I forgot it in the truck. By the time I noticed it mass had already began and I couldn't get to my camera. I could have kicked my own butt because I really wanted to record her mass. My friend Andrea sand and she has such a beautiful voice. She sang Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good and I will carry you by Selah. I don't think there was a dry eye in that church, it was simply beautiful. I actually got up and said something, not sure where that courage came from because I hate speaking in public. Through my tears I was able to thank everyone for being there. My husband said a few words too that just made me want to totally break down and cry. How he misses our beautiful baby girl, sigh!

Right after we went to my brother's, it started to drizzle so I really wanted to get to the balloon release before heavier rain came but thank goodness it didn't. During the release my friend Danny was singing Somewhere over the rainbow. Again with so much going on I didn't record it again. My husband explained to everyone there that every balloon had a name of other babies gone much to soon. Every balloon was in dedication to them and their parents who like us have experienced a loss like ours. It was so emotional for me to see all the balloons take off and stick together.

Well one balloon that was Riley's decided to stick around for a bit but we got it going and it soon caught up with the rest. Everyone applauded when that finally happened. So Megan if you are reading this that was a little stubborn one you had there, lol! I really think that was everyone's favorite part was seeing those balloons take off. For me it gave me so much peace, it's been one year of roller coaster emotions that will continue but I am getting used it. It's a familiar ride now not one with unexpected turns and I like it that way.

I am sorry I didn't get pictures of every single balloon but I promise every single one of you were included.

Delicious red velvet cupcakes made by best friend Jomie

Everyone getting ready for the release

Almost time

I can hardly believe that Sami's memorial is this Saturday! I am almost ready, I just need to finish the names on the balloon for the balloon release that I am very excited for. I just got news that we found someone to play the piano during her mass, I didn't want it to be so quiet. We will also have a guitarist during her lunch. He is a good friend and last year he played at her service and I told he had to make us smile with his music again. I am sure my family will like that surprise.

I have been feeling way better this week, I hope this is just a sign for better days to come with this little rainbow. On Tuesday, Sami's actual birthday I get to go see the specialist for my NT scan. To say I am nervous is an understatement. That is the same test that let me know something was wrong. I haven't really thought about it because I will make myself sick so I will just let it be until that day. Please pray that all is well with this little one. I don't know what I will do if they find something wrong again. OK enough of that for now... This week I am have been smiling more even though I can't believe it's going to be one year since my beautiful Sami as here with me, sigh! In this year I have cried like never before, it's normal to me now yet I have smiled like never before because she has blessed me in so many ways. I am so thankful Sami came into my life, what a beautiful blessing from above.

Shine a light

Today is infant loss and pregnancy loss remembrance day. As many of you know today we  light a candle at 7pm your local time in honor of all the precious little one's who have gone much to soon. This is such a bittersweet day for many of us. Thinking of all of you who have lost a child today.

I have not posted much here, I have so many things to say yet no words to write. This past week has been pretty bad. I really, really feel ill all day long (so not like my other pregnancy's), it has been going on for quite some time but this week it just hasn't let up at all. I have no energy, I have spotting and I have a lovely UTI. I am always at the doctor's office, I feel bad for them. Baby looks good but since I haven't been feeling well I haven't been drinking and eating as I should so I am dehydrated. I am working on it but it's been hard. Some how I have managed to get things going for Sami's mass next week so I am not as stressed over that. Although the weather might change that since it might rain!!!!

One more thing, please pray for my friend's who lost their daughter Savannah Sara on 10/08/10. Last night I attended the service and boy was that hard!!! The doctor's said she would live one hour, well she proved them wrong and lived 9 precious days. Savannah had a severe gene defect that affected her breathing and her organs. My hearts just breaks for them. Please give them in your thoughts and prayers.

How I wish this could happen

I had a dream that I went to my brother's house to tell them my pregnancy news. We sat there wishing Marie was here so that I could tell her myself. Well we turned and she was there in the kitchen cleaning up like usual. It was weird because we knew she wasn't supposed to be there but she explained that she was only there for a little bit and that after church she would have to return back home. It was on a Saturday and they always go to mass that day. She looked so radiant and beautiful. The girls were just so excited to have there mom hom again. She was making their lunches for the week. My brother was alive again, smiling yet sad because we all knew she had to return. In the excitement of it all I never told her my news but she knew because she touched my belly. Thinking of it makes me want to cry because she looked so darn beautiful and peaceful. This deam felt so real, her touch was so warm.

I wish they can visit us for a few hours at a time, wouldn't that be perfect? I miss her so much but I love knowing how happy she is being at home in heaven. This dreamed filled me with so much peace, thank you God for that lovely dream. I really needed that. No mater where Marie is she is still doing what she does best, loving us all and making sure we are taken care of. I wish I could always dream like that.

Thank you everyone

THANK YOU everyone for all the well wishes. It is much appreciated.

Is it just me or has this week seemed like forever? I guess it's a good thing but I just want tomorrow to come. My honey will be coming home, he has been this work for work. I have been staying at my mom's so I don't have to make the long commute everyday and that has been nice. I could actually get an extra hour of sleep (so needed). I haven't been feeling all that well and I hope he goes away soon, I am just so darn tired. Sami's memorial is only a few weeks away and I haven't even thought of a menu yet! I have just been so out of it lately. Hopefully this weekend I will be able to pull it together and get things going. I don't have much of a choice because it's only 2 weeks away.

Warning, pregnancy mentioned

I am not sure why I have been so afraid to post this but I am expecting again. I am terrified but so excited at the same time. A pregnancy after loss is so darn different. As many others on this journey have said they feel "robbed" well I agree. I want to be jumping up for joy like before without having to be worried so much. October is such a hard month for me as it is and now adding those lovely pregnancy hormones to it just makes it a little more overwhelming. I have given it so much thought whether or not to do another blog for this new journey but I can't even keep up with this one sometimes so I am going to just keep this one. I know for some of you hearing about rainbow's isn't easy and I feel bad but everything I do in my life will always include Sami. I feel like this little one to be is a true gift from above. Let's see if the dream I had with Marie (telling me that my son Joseph will come home to me soon) is true.

I will have a lovely gift for my May birthday in 2011. Wish me luck and please pray that I will be able to come home with a live baby this time.

October

October, you bring me a flood of emotions. Last year I was so lost and scared now I am just missing my sweet baby girl. I am proud of myself that I have come this far in my feelings. I never thought I would get here. I thought I would have that feeling of dying forever. I still hurt, that will never go away but I have learned to accept my fate and go with it. Sami's life has touched so many people, it makes me smile. I am still not quite where I want to be because I still haven't quite figured out how I am going to give back. So many things have crossed my mind but I am just stuck. I will let it go for now, let October pass and hopefully the little light will finally go on. I pray to God that this month is gentle on my heart. I didn't think it would be this month emotional for me and it's just day 1!!! Last year she was still with me physically and this year just her memory, sigh....