This Thanksgiving it is going to be different. Second one I spend without Sami and now the first without Marie. It is starting to really hit how things are going to be so different during these holidays. Last year was seriously a blur to me. Marie always came with her ham and some other side dish and of course pies and always looked so pretty. She always had the girls dressed in their best. Why didn't I take more pictures of her? I miss her smile, her laugh and most of all just talking to her. Last year I remember sitting there with her on the verge of tears, she grabbed my hand and just made me feel better. She always did that and I miss that so much. I don't always talk to people about how much I seriously miss her because it just makes me want to fall apart and I hate crying in front of people.
When your heart aches it is so hard to look beyond that and see how blessed we really are. This thanksgiving I have many things to be thankful for even though my heart is grieving. A husband and son who love me without doubt and this little rainbow that is starting to let me know she is really here (loving her movements). My family who has shown me so much support and have really come together through our losses. Friends who have not let me fall and stand beside me all the time. It may be small but I have a place I can call home. A job that has been so good to me and has given me all the time I need. Last but not least everyone I have met through this blog who has helped me so much, all your kind words and gestures have really made me feel like I can and will get through this.
We are going away camping for the weekend and will not be checking in here so I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. For some of you it is the first big holiday without your precious baby, know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing all of you peace and joy, God bless!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
So touched
On Sami's birthday I received the sweetest letter from one of Sami's nurses. I have read that letter so many times and it still makes me cry. It really touched my heart. I asked her if I could share it and thankfully she said yes. Did I mention that I love my nurses? Cheryl and Angie will always hold a special place in my heart and as long as I can help it they will continue to be in my life. So if you both are reading this THANK YOU for being so wonderful, love you guys.
October 26, 2010
Dear Delgado Family-
Today marks the one-year anniversary to the day that we met. One year ago we were meeting under circumstances that were at the time stressful and full of anxiety. At the time we were both questioning what would the outcome really be and praying that this experience was exactly what you both had envisioned and prepared for. I remember that night, probably more than any other night I had experienced as a nurse. It was a Monday night and in the five years as a nurse I probably only worked a Monday night a handful of times because of my husbands work schedule. I remember dreading the drive in, thinking why did I schedule myself on this night, I can’t stand working Mondays probably because they are usually so busy and short staffed. I remember walking in to our mini shift meeting and seeing the patient board and to my surprise it was a rare slow night. I received my assignment on station two. I was working with two other nurses that night and there was only one patient there at the time and I was assigned to take her.
I had this patient for about 5 hours, which in those five hours I had been working so hard to manage her pain and get her settled with an epidural. I remember looking out at the station at the two other nurses that I was working with as they enjoyed their time without patients, just reading magazines and eating. At one point I walked back from getting ice chips for the patient and one of the nurses pulled me into another room. She told me I was getting a high-risk patient coming from triage. The assignment change was coming from our supervisor. I remember being so confused, why do I have to take another patient when I have been the only one working all night. Is my supervisor picking on me, I just did not understand. I gave report on my other patient and walked over to triage to talk to the nurse caring for the patient I would be receiving. Cheryl greeted me at the nurse’s desk, I could tell in her eyes that something was different about this patient. She handed me a pile of papers and said read. I remember Cheryl telling me, “Friend, I know you were the only one who had an assignment tonight, but this patient needs you and I was the one that had your assignment changed.” I looked down and I began to read the birth plan. The birth plan was probably the most beautiful thing I have ever read regarding the care of their unborn child. The details of how you wanted her to be pain free and got authorization to have pain meds given as needed, to having her baptized, and even just arranging a photographer there to capture those precious moments with her.
I felt so many emotions after reading everything. First, I felt honored that Cheryl thought so highly of my nursing care to choose me to care for you. Second, I questioned myself. How do I make this experience everything they envisioned? How do I fulfill their emotional needs? Am I going to be the caring and nurturing nurse that they had hoped for? How would I cope with this? I wanted it to be perfect, but I was so scared to let you down. I have taken care of many cases regarding infant loss and often left work feeling empty, questioning God and wondering why was this happening. Why? Why? Why? And of course no response was ever received. How can a beautiful, loving and deserving family experience such loss and grief? Little did I know that the answers to my questions would eventually be answered.
I remember getting the call from Cheryl that she was bringing you to your room, 212. I remember trying to place myself in your shoes and thinking how would I want my nurse to care of me if I was going through this experience. When we met I remember feeling so sad for you. I didn’t even know you but I wanted to just hug you and tell you how sorry I was. This was going to be one of the most difficult days in your life and you had complete strangers helping you along this journey. You must have been so scared.
After your epidural, you progressed so quickly and soon Sami was ready to come into this world. As the doctor arrived I remember being so scared for you. At this moment your daughter will have life and so quickly would it be taken from her. Sami was born and as expected her diagnoses were confirmed to be true. But through the sadness, beauty was found. Sami was beautiful! She was an ANGEL! She was and is a gift from GOD! She is always with me. I know she it. She is always with me at work, along with the other angels that have crossed my path.
I left work so sad that day. Just like all the other families that have crossed my path at some point or another in my career, I questioned if I would ever see them again. I always felt so connected to these families as if they were my own and then never had the opportunity to see them again. When you visited our work the night that both Cheryl and I were working, such joy and piece of mind was felt. I felt for the first time as a nurse I could express how this experience really affected me and how this experience has made me a better person and nurse. Thank you for allowing me to share this with you.
To see you all on the 23rd of October was a breathe of fresh air. Keeping in contact over facebook and reading your blog has really helped me feel the importance of so many things. Working with death and seeing it face-to-face has always brought questions that I wrote earlier, why? Why? Why? Lisette and Laurence, you are two brave and amazing people who have set a clear example to all those who question faith or God. And when faced with adversity, you broke through the mold and showed this world what strength, faith and love can really do. And even though Sami is dancing in heaven, she lives through you!!! Continue to spread your love, we can feel Sami shining through!
Much Love,
Angie
October 26, 2010
Dear Delgado Family-
Today marks the one-year anniversary to the day that we met. One year ago we were meeting under circumstances that were at the time stressful and full of anxiety. At the time we were both questioning what would the outcome really be and praying that this experience was exactly what you both had envisioned and prepared for. I remember that night, probably more than any other night I had experienced as a nurse. It was a Monday night and in the five years as a nurse I probably only worked a Monday night a handful of times because of my husbands work schedule. I remember dreading the drive in, thinking why did I schedule myself on this night, I can’t stand working Mondays probably because they are usually so busy and short staffed. I remember walking in to our mini shift meeting and seeing the patient board and to my surprise it was a rare slow night. I received my assignment on station two. I was working with two other nurses that night and there was only one patient there at the time and I was assigned to take her.
I had this patient for about 5 hours, which in those five hours I had been working so hard to manage her pain and get her settled with an epidural. I remember looking out at the station at the two other nurses that I was working with as they enjoyed their time without patients, just reading magazines and eating. At one point I walked back from getting ice chips for the patient and one of the nurses pulled me into another room. She told me I was getting a high-risk patient coming from triage. The assignment change was coming from our supervisor. I remember being so confused, why do I have to take another patient when I have been the only one working all night. Is my supervisor picking on me, I just did not understand. I gave report on my other patient and walked over to triage to talk to the nurse caring for the patient I would be receiving. Cheryl greeted me at the nurse’s desk, I could tell in her eyes that something was different about this patient. She handed me a pile of papers and said read. I remember Cheryl telling me, “Friend, I know you were the only one who had an assignment tonight, but this patient needs you and I was the one that had your assignment changed.” I looked down and I began to read the birth plan. The birth plan was probably the most beautiful thing I have ever read regarding the care of their unborn child. The details of how you wanted her to be pain free and got authorization to have pain meds given as needed, to having her baptized, and even just arranging a photographer there to capture those precious moments with her.
I felt so many emotions after reading everything. First, I felt honored that Cheryl thought so highly of my nursing care to choose me to care for you. Second, I questioned myself. How do I make this experience everything they envisioned? How do I fulfill their emotional needs? Am I going to be the caring and nurturing nurse that they had hoped for? How would I cope with this? I wanted it to be perfect, but I was so scared to let you down. I have taken care of many cases regarding infant loss and often left work feeling empty, questioning God and wondering why was this happening. Why? Why? Why? And of course no response was ever received. How can a beautiful, loving and deserving family experience such loss and grief? Little did I know that the answers to my questions would eventually be answered.
I remember getting the call from Cheryl that she was bringing you to your room, 212. I remember trying to place myself in your shoes and thinking how would I want my nurse to care of me if I was going through this experience. When we met I remember feeling so sad for you. I didn’t even know you but I wanted to just hug you and tell you how sorry I was. This was going to be one of the most difficult days in your life and you had complete strangers helping you along this journey. You must have been so scared.
After your epidural, you progressed so quickly and soon Sami was ready to come into this world. As the doctor arrived I remember being so scared for you. At this moment your daughter will have life and so quickly would it be taken from her. Sami was born and as expected her diagnoses were confirmed to be true. But through the sadness, beauty was found. Sami was beautiful! She was an ANGEL! She was and is a gift from GOD! She is always with me. I know she it. She is always with me at work, along with the other angels that have crossed my path.
I left work so sad that day. Just like all the other families that have crossed my path at some point or another in my career, I questioned if I would ever see them again. I always felt so connected to these families as if they were my own and then never had the opportunity to see them again. When you visited our work the night that both Cheryl and I were working, such joy and piece of mind was felt. I felt for the first time as a nurse I could express how this experience really affected me and how this experience has made me a better person and nurse. Thank you for allowing me to share this with you.
To see you all on the 23rd of October was a breathe of fresh air. Keeping in contact over facebook and reading your blog has really helped me feel the importance of so many things. Working with death and seeing it face-to-face has always brought questions that I wrote earlier, why? Why? Why? Lisette and Laurence, you are two brave and amazing people who have set a clear example to all those who question faith or God. And when faced with adversity, you broke through the mold and showed this world what strength, faith and love can really do. And even though Sami is dancing in heaven, she lives through you!!! Continue to spread your love, we can feel Sami shining through!
Much Love,
Angie
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Julian's party
Julian's birthday was a hit, he had a blast. I was exhausted but it was worth it to see him laugh and smile all day long. Such a difference from last year! He was spoiled like crazy, nothing new. Everyone was excited to see with a belly again but I will never get used to hearing "aww your going to have your pair now" really? I already do! I have learned to just brush it off but I would be lying if I said that comment didn't annoy the crap out of me. I always just smile and kindly respond that I already have my pair, she is just in heaven. Sometimes I hate having to remind me people that Sami still exist in my world she isn't just the past for me. This pregnancy makes me happy, very happy but it is very hard on me emotionally. One day at a time... Just wanted to share some of Julian's birthday photos.
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| His cake, it was yummy! |
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| Bouncing away |
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| Oh no!!! |
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| Julian with his cousins |
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| Us |
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| Candy table |
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| A butterfly for Sami |
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| Present time |
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| His FAVORITE gift!!! |
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| Pinata time |
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| Cake time (He LOVES blowing out candles) |
Saturday, November 13, 2010
My little guy
Today my little (well not so little anymore) turns 3, I can't believe it. The 33 hours of labor were well worth it. Some people say I would forget the pain but no not the case for me, lol. I remember it like it was yesterday. Anyhow, I am blessed for everyday that he has been in my life. Sometimes he drives me crazy but that never takes away from the love I feel for him. Today we are celebrating his birthday in a big way, perhaps because I feel guilty that last year his birthday was such a blur to me being that it was only two weeks after Sami's birthday. I don't even have that many pictures of his birthday and it makes me sad. I know he didn't know the difference but still it bothers me. This year he will have many pictures and this year I am not going to be crying randomly throughout the day. Today is his day and I plan on making it a good one for him. So Happy birthday Julian, mommy loves you.
Sami, send your brother some warm heavenly wishes. Surround him with your love. Yesterday he seen a baby girl on TV and he said 'I want that one" he misses you so much. Do you hear him at night when he tells you goodnight? I sure hope so baby girl. Mamma loves you too!
Sami, send your brother some warm heavenly wishes. Surround him with your love. Yesterday he seen a baby girl on TV and he said 'I want that one" he misses you so much. Do you hear him at night when he tells you goodnight? I sure hope so baby girl. Mamma loves you too!
I can't believe how much he has grown and changed these years.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
This is Sami's memorial page that will be shared in Anchored by Hope, The sketchbook Project.
Many thank you's to Katy and Kristie for doing this. This just brightened my day.
Many thank you's to Katy and Kristie for doing this. This just brightened my day.
Monday, November 08, 2010
Good news!
So on Friday I called to see if my results were in from the CVS and yes they were. Little rainbow has no chromosome defect. No inverted chromosome like Sami and I. When I heard her say everything came back negative I felt such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I just cried, the girl telling me was probably thinking I was drama but I didn't care, this test was really scary for me.
Let me go back to the actual day of the test, I was in the room trying to calm myself down because it was just so emotional for me, especially because it was on Sami's birthday. Anyhow, when all was done the Dr. H forgot to take some pictures of the baby for me so she asked the tech to take some more. I asked her if she can tell the gender of the baby yet and she said she believed she had already seen something that caught her eye. I have a picture with little arrows pointing to little boy parts! I was having a boy, OMG I thought of my dream with Marie. Could this be the Joseph she was talking about. I was so excited, Julian and Sami were going to have a baby brother. I told a few people my news and they were excited too.
So after we went over the results I almost forgot to ask her the gender of this little rainbow because it's a boy right? Well no.... Little rainbow is a baby girl!!!! I screamed "a girl" and she really thought I was crazy because she said, "two x chromosomes, makes a girl" it was funny. I was mentally prepare for a boy and since the 26th of October this baby was Joseph. I will have some explaining to do later, lol. I am honestly still in shock. I of course just want a healthy baby but I am just so excited that I get one more chance to be a mom to a real live baby girl. Sami cannot and will not ever be replaced in any way but I get another chance. In my mind I thought it was a boy even before this because I really never thought I would have another little girl and now since they said "it's a girl" I didn't realize how happy that would make me feel. Again, I was super excited about having a boy. I called my husband right away and he was just as shocked as I was. It was so cute, he thought he heard me wrong.
Hearing that everything so far is well with this baby gives me some relief but it doesn't still keep me from worrying about the test ahead of us. My due date is May 6th, my birthday is May 3rd, what an awesome gift right? I keep telling myself that this baby is going to come home. I hate it when people tell me "keep thinking positive" I did that with Sami and well that didn't bring her home with me. People sometimes think that being pregnant again is going to all of a sudden heal me. Yes, it has helped me in a way but it will never take away the fact that one of my children is in heaven and not here with me. How did this become an angry post? It's not, I am over the moon that so far all is looking great. I will post pictures later!
Let me go back to the actual day of the test, I was in the room trying to calm myself down because it was just so emotional for me, especially because it was on Sami's birthday. Anyhow, when all was done the Dr. H forgot to take some pictures of the baby for me so she asked the tech to take some more. I asked her if she can tell the gender of the baby yet and she said she believed she had already seen something that caught her eye. I have a picture with little arrows pointing to little boy parts! I was having a boy, OMG I thought of my dream with Marie. Could this be the Joseph she was talking about. I was so excited, Julian and Sami were going to have a baby brother. I told a few people my news and they were excited too.
So after we went over the results I almost forgot to ask her the gender of this little rainbow because it's a boy right? Well no.... Little rainbow is a baby girl!!!! I screamed "a girl" and she really thought I was crazy because she said, "two x chromosomes, makes a girl" it was funny. I was mentally prepare for a boy and since the 26th of October this baby was Joseph. I will have some explaining to do later, lol. I am honestly still in shock. I of course just want a healthy baby but I am just so excited that I get one more chance to be a mom to a real live baby girl. Sami cannot and will not ever be replaced in any way but I get another chance. In my mind I thought it was a boy even before this because I really never thought I would have another little girl and now since they said "it's a girl" I didn't realize how happy that would make me feel. Again, I was super excited about having a boy. I called my husband right away and he was just as shocked as I was. It was so cute, he thought he heard me wrong.
Hearing that everything so far is well with this baby gives me some relief but it doesn't still keep me from worrying about the test ahead of us. My due date is May 6th, my birthday is May 3rd, what an awesome gift right? I keep telling myself that this baby is going to come home. I hate it when people tell me "keep thinking positive" I did that with Sami and well that didn't bring her home with me. People sometimes think that being pregnant again is going to all of a sudden heal me. Yes, it has helped me in a way but it will never take away the fact that one of my children is in heaven and not here with me. How did this become an angry post? It's not, I am over the moon that so far all is looking great. I will post pictures later!
Thursday, November 04, 2010
4 yrs ago today...
I married the love of my life 4 years ago today. I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. It took us 7 years to finally get married but it was worth the wait. I love my husband, he is such a wonderful person and don't know how I would manage without him. I love that even though so much has happened in our years married we have remained strong together. We have been together so long and he still calls me "girlfriend" and I still call him "boyfriend" it's funny but everyone is so used to it. Sometimes even Julian will call me "girlfriend". I think we will be old and gray and still call eachother that. Here are a few pictures from our big day, a trip down memory lane. It was a very traditional mexican wedding, my hubs was wearing a charro suit not a mariachi suit, lol!
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| Marie bringing up my dress |
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| Gabrielle, my God daughter being bored as we got ready. |
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| Our large wedding party |
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| Me and my girls |
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| My maid's of honor, Stella and Cassandra |
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| Yes, I was wearing my boots! |
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| Marie and I |
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| Our 1st dance- I cross my heart by Geaorge Straight |
Did I mention that I love my husband?
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Such a hard day for me
It seems like forever since I have posted but I have just been so lazy to be honest. I start a new post but never finish it.
So Sami’s birthday came and went and thank God I wasn’t as emotional as I thought I would be. I woke up at exactly 5 am, she was born at 5:04, weird huh? I cried instantly and just asked for God to fill my heart with peace. That was such a hard day but so beautiful at the same time. I had an appointment with the Peri but first we spoke to the genetic counselor again and she recommended that I do the CVS again because the chances of everything happening again are more in the 25-35% range. I wasn’t planning on doing that on her day but I just wanted to get it over with. We did the NT scan and this little one measured perfectly at 1.8 not 7.5 like Sami. I cried tears of relief. I was shaking and shaking and my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my body. My husband felt the same too. My little one was moving so much, it was adorable. I think at that moment I fell in love.
I had been feeling so sad that I didn’t allow myself to love this little rainbow because my fear over powered every feeling within me. Hearing the heart beating, watching every movement just made me snap back and appreciate the little life within me. The CVS hurt like hell again but it was quick and I should be getting my results by the end of this week. I have been a nervous wreck just waiting and waiting. I am glad they haven’t called me since that is a good thing although they should call anyhow just to let me know all is well. I will call them AGAIN this Friday and hopefully get the answers I have been waiting for. I just want to fast forward time.
We had planned on doing something special on Sami’s day but since I had the CVS I was on bed rest so we really couldn’t do much. Julian sang happy birthday many times for her, broke my heart but I love that he loves her so much. Not many people besides BLM called me but that is OK. THANK YOU to everyone who sent us cards for her, it really made my day and week. I received the most beautiful email from one of her nurses that day that had me in tears but it was the sweetest thing ever. Sami will always be remembered and I love that.
On Thursday the 28th we attended a “walk to remember” at the hospital, it was very nice. I would love to be able to take part in that in more ways than just participating in the future. I have so many ideas to share with them. I finally got to see her name on the memorial wall. Walking through the hospital wasn’t as bad as I thought either. I try to block out all the bad moments and focus on the good. I know she doesn’t want to see her mommy sad all the time. Her life wasn’t a sad one and I refuse to make it that way.
Today is harder for me than I thought, last year on this day we had her service. It was the last time I physically held her and kissed her. I knew it was just her body and that her soul was already in heaven but just being able to hold her again was such a great feeling. I hate that I remember these dates like it was yesterday. I remember EVERYTHING in detail. I remember getting there early to hold her before people got there. I remember telling her how much we loved her and how sorry I was that I wasn’t able to save her. In some way I still feel guilty that my body let her down. There were so many imperfections in her perfect body. I still wonder what if I could have done more for her. I remember wrapping her up in the blanket that my mom made for Sami, she was so pretty in pink. I could still remember my husband breaking down while holding her lifeless body. That was so hard to watch him and there was nothing I could do to make it better for him. We would have to say goodbye to our daughter forever that day. I remember taking a deep breath and pleading with God to let me make it through the day. I am so glad I got to hold her, I didn’t care what people thought. I walked her into another room and held her some more. Why is this day so hard? I hate this day.
So Sami’s birthday came and went and thank God I wasn’t as emotional as I thought I would be. I woke up at exactly 5 am, she was born at 5:04, weird huh? I cried instantly and just asked for God to fill my heart with peace. That was such a hard day but so beautiful at the same time. I had an appointment with the Peri but first we spoke to the genetic counselor again and she recommended that I do the CVS again because the chances of everything happening again are more in the 25-35% range. I wasn’t planning on doing that on her day but I just wanted to get it over with. We did the NT scan and this little one measured perfectly at 1.8 not 7.5 like Sami. I cried tears of relief. I was shaking and shaking and my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my body. My husband felt the same too. My little one was moving so much, it was adorable. I think at that moment I fell in love.
I had been feeling so sad that I didn’t allow myself to love this little rainbow because my fear over powered every feeling within me. Hearing the heart beating, watching every movement just made me snap back and appreciate the little life within me. The CVS hurt like hell again but it was quick and I should be getting my results by the end of this week. I have been a nervous wreck just waiting and waiting. I am glad they haven’t called me since that is a good thing although they should call anyhow just to let me know all is well. I will call them AGAIN this Friday and hopefully get the answers I have been waiting for. I just want to fast forward time.
We had planned on doing something special on Sami’s day but since I had the CVS I was on bed rest so we really couldn’t do much. Julian sang happy birthday many times for her, broke my heart but I love that he loves her so much. Not many people besides BLM called me but that is OK. THANK YOU to everyone who sent us cards for her, it really made my day and week. I received the most beautiful email from one of her nurses that day that had me in tears but it was the sweetest thing ever. Sami will always be remembered and I love that.
On Thursday the 28th we attended a “walk to remember” at the hospital, it was very nice. I would love to be able to take part in that in more ways than just participating in the future. I have so many ideas to share with them. I finally got to see her name on the memorial wall. Walking through the hospital wasn’t as bad as I thought either. I try to block out all the bad moments and focus on the good. I know she doesn’t want to see her mommy sad all the time. Her life wasn’t a sad one and I refuse to make it that way.
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| Lauren S Delgado (7th name on the right) |
Today is harder for me than I thought, last year on this day we had her service. It was the last time I physically held her and kissed her. I knew it was just her body and that her soul was already in heaven but just being able to hold her again was such a great feeling. I hate that I remember these dates like it was yesterday. I remember EVERYTHING in detail. I remember getting there early to hold her before people got there. I remember telling her how much we loved her and how sorry I was that I wasn’t able to save her. In some way I still feel guilty that my body let her down. There were so many imperfections in her perfect body. I still wonder what if I could have done more for her. I remember wrapping her up in the blanket that my mom made for Sami, she was so pretty in pink. I could still remember my husband breaking down while holding her lifeless body. That was so hard to watch him and there was nothing I could do to make it better for him. We would have to say goodbye to our daughter forever that day. I remember taking a deep breath and pleading with God to let me make it through the day. I am so glad I got to hold her, I didn’t care what people thought. I walked her into another room and held her some more. Why is this day so hard? I hate this day.
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