I am not sure what it is but I wake up and I feel like I am still in a nightmare!!! I wake up and the first thing I think about is "encephalocele" that darn word just lingers in my thoughts at all times and I cannot get it out. Someone please stop it!!! It drives me insane! I want to wake up and just be free of that thought. Then for the rest of the day I am just worried, constantly!!!
There are times during the day where I am ready for that, I mean mentally I feel like I am prepared for what is going to come then guilt sets in because I feel like I shouldn't be prepared for that because really what normal person is? Then the thought of not being able to bring my baby home kicks in and I cannot do anything else but cry. I feel that pain so deep in my heart that sometimes I feel like I cannot breath, it's horrible. It's a mental struggle within myself and it makes me feel like I am crazy. How many emotions can one feel in a 24 hours period? I am 22 weeks pregnant and still have a way to go, can I really do this?
I know God is with me because I really don't know how I make it through sometimes. Although I have noticed myself asking "why" more often maybe because she moves more now and it feels so normal. How can this little person be ill? She is so alive and my belly is growing like a normal pregnancy. So how can it be that in a couple of weeks all this is going to just stop? Everyone else will get to live their normal lives and what about me? How I am going to wake up and not feel like I am still in a nightmare? I know life goes on and I will get through this. I still have my little Julian and so many times during the day he makes me smile and he reminds me of why I was brought here on earth. That little guy just knows how to really brighten my day and he is a big reason why I stay so grounded half of the time. This just sucks.. plain and simple!
Well here is to another day of up and down emotions....
Tomorrow another Dr. appointment then again on Friday with the cardiologist and sometime soon I will also meet up with Michelle the lady from "Now I lay me down to sleep" to go over stuff. She sent me an email to call her this week. I will go over that at a later time.
1 year ago