So on Friday I had the echo done to check on Sami's heart. I can't describe the medical terms they used but they pretty much said the left side of heart is not growing as it should be. She has a low volume of blood going through her heart. She will be okay while she is in my stomach however at delivery she is going to be faced with her thoughest challenge yet because that is when she will have to work hard on her own without my help. I think this news really got to me because I really wanted to hear something positive. I really wanted to hear that it was something minor and maybe she will have on less struggle to deal with it. God, I am so sad!!! I think more sad now than before because I just did not want to hear more bad news. I am so sad because nothing seems to be in her favor and my heart just aches to bad.
More bad news after another, it isn't fair!!! This weekend has been extremely hard for me maybe because now I know I really have to start getting prepared. As much as I did not want to I am gong to have to. Up until this weekend I thought I was mentally prepared to accept our fate but after hearing the news from Friday it made me realize maybe I am not. I feel like I am back to that first day when they found out something really bad was going on with Sami. I cannot describe this feeling I have right now because I feel like it's all new to me and it that is not so. I have known now for a while so I cannot explain this feeling. I was trying to explain to my honey but I just cannot find the words to describe it. It's really weird for me because I really thought I was ready. I rreally thought I was in control of my feelings.
Yesterday we were my Niece's birthday party and I kept my composure there but that is not to say I wasn't crying all the way over there. There is just a sense of emptiness in me already and I hate it because Sami is still with me. I feel like that feeling needs to go away because it is going to affect her and I definitely do not want that. Is she going to feel like I have given up on her? Will that in turn make her give up? At this point there has to be some change within myself because I am determined to keep this little girl safe for as long as I can. I have not given up and I will not do so either.
My sister Rachel and my niece Crystal came with me to the doctor and I am so glad they did because if I would have gone alone I just would have lost it there. Having someone there really helped me stay strong.
It is really weird how I handle this emotionally because I usually only cry when I am by myself or in front of my honey (even that is hard for me to do) and I am not sure why. I feel like I have to always be strong and not show that I am hurting to other people. I know they all know that is not the case but for some reason it is so hard for me to show my emotions in front of others. Maybe it is because I do not want them to ever feel "sorry" for me. God had given me this challenge and he would not have given me this if he knew I was not able to handle it. I suppose that on this journey some days are just tougher than others, although I really need stop being afraid of showing my true emotions to others because I know they will not see me any different, on the contrary because they will finally see that this is not as easy as I make it out to be at times. I am hurting really bad inside.
1 year ago