Thursday, July 30, 2009

Prayer is all we need

So today I had another doctor appointment, I waited longer than usual for my 5 minute visit! Oh well, Dr. Wong said the baby is really big he even had to do a double take on how many weeks I am. Her heart was beating nice and strong today so that made me feel better. I will see him again in 2 weeks and next week another ultrasound with the specialist. Dr. Wong said it is possible to be induced a little early but we will talk about it in a few weeks. It is a pain going to the doctor all the time but even though I don't always get good news it gives me some sort of comfort to know she is still growing. I love to see her move around while they try to get a good glimpse of her. So for now I have decided to stick to my appointments.

I have been thinking lately about this "shower" that is planned for us for sometime in October and the more I think about it the more stressed out I get. It stresses me out because I am really afraid to break down in front of everyone and I know that is going to happen at some point during that day. I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable because they won't know what to say. I don't like to see people hurt, it makes me feel so bad. I want everyone to be happy when they think of Sami not saddened by what is happening. She is not here yet and she has already made me so happy and I want everyone else to feel that way too. So I have decided that I am going to cancel it. I figure in October it will be closer to my due date and emotionally I think it will be a little too much for me to handle. The concept is nice and I would still like donations made to some organization (haven't found one exact one yet) if people want but I think I would rather just have a mass at church for us. I think prayer is all we need. I called and left a message for the priest to call me, hopefully I can get something set up. I will invite everyone to join us in prayer.

On to another subject... I need to go buy some little stuff just in case we do get to bring her home (that would be so nice). I have the big stuff (car seat, stroller, etc.) I made sure all of Julian's stuff stayed nice and neat for the 2ND time around and I bought neutral colors with that in mind. I need to buy her little pj's and receiving blankets, stuff like that. I have been looking forward to buying that stuff since the day I found out I was pregnant but at the same time I am sad about it because I don't know if she will get to wear them. I would rather be prepared then not be prepared at all. I am not going to go crazy on the shopping but just enough to get us by. Again, is this really happening to me???? I know going shopping for her is going to be emotional, I can't even go buy diapers for Julian without wanting to cry but I want to be the one to buy that stuff for her. I want to feel even if it's for a few moments that all is well and that I am shopping for my baby like most normal pregnant woman do.

Lately I have been dreaming of her so much and in each dream she is perfect. In my dreams I know something is wrong with her yet I see her so her normal. It feels so real. Those dreams play with my head because I want that so badly... I want to hold her, I want to kiss her and I want to see her grow. I want to see how Julian is going to be as a big brother to her. Thinking of that brings tears to my eyes because that might not happen and it's just not fair. I am going to stop writing for now because I feel too sad now.


Laura said...

Hang in there sweetie. I did the same thing - I bought a couple things, hoping I would get to bring Reagan home. I waited on all the big stuff. I decided that if we didn't have anything for her, it was a good problem to have and my hubby would be happy to run out and buy stuff! I did not have a shower. I just couldn't do it.

I'm sure you've heard of NILMDTS and String of Pearls... If you end up needing them, they are wonderful. Contact Laura at String of Pearls anyway (you can find the link on my blog)... she carried her baby to term - it's a beautiful story and she is an amazing and supportive person. You will find her to be a treasure just like I do.

Praying for your Sami.

Nickel Pickle said...

I am glad I bought a few little things for Logan before he was born..Nothing big, just some outfits, blankets, and stuffed animals. Those things are very special to me now.

Nicole Mommy to Logan Quinn.

Shop with Me Mama said...

Sending you my prayers. Hugs Mama.

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