No good news (again)

Today I had another doctor appointment and again I was hoping for something good to hear but like my luck has it no!!!! Sami has more brain tissue on the outside than before on the outside. There is more fluid surrounding that brain tissue than before. Dr. Ross also noticed a slight hemorrhage too. She is in a breech position but no worries there since I still have a ways to go, she can position herself at anytime. Her head is measuring really small because of the brain tissue. Right now the size of her head is that of a 22 week baby in utero. On a good note, she weighs 1.5 pounds and she measuring a little over 12 inches now. So she is growing, which is a good thing of course.

I asked about being induced and she said it is a good thing but most of the time being induced will lead to a c-section and we are trying to avoid that. I think I will just let Sami tell me when she is ready to come into this world. I wanted to be induced but I really don't want to have to pick the date that my daughter will pass away if I don't have to. I did tell Dr. Ross I do not want her heart monitored while I am labor. She agreed that would be best. For me personally it will just worry me to much and while in labor worrying like that is the last thing I need. I have to believe she will be born alive. Another thing she mentioned was while I am in labor they will more than likely drain that extra fluid in the herniated sac outside her little head. They will do that like if they are going to do an amnio. I have not officially finished my birth plan yet, I will give the doctors a copy of it once I am done. That way we all agree with what I want during labor. She said given the severity of her conditions we might not have to have a meeting with all the doctors because the chances of her surving are not good. it is up to me to make that final decision, so we will see how I feel about that in a few weeks.

Today I questioned why I continue to go to these appointments for the first time. I never hear anything positive. I am not sure if I can handle another visit like this but at the same time if I don't go I am going to feel bad because I will feel that I don't care and I am giving up. I made another appointment in 4 weeks, we will see how I feel about keeping it. I suppose I will because I will only have next month and October. November is just around the corner when I look at it that way.

Today was not a good day, I tried to be in good spirits but how do I do that when I hear that my baby is not doing well, I want to hear something good for once. I want to be able to go one day without crying, I want to go one day without having this pain in my heart. Just one day I want to be worry free and more than anything just really happy. Like I said in an earlier post... I have this black cloud following me at all times and I just want it to stop. I want to laugh and really mean it, I want to say I am doing okay and really mean it, but I can't. How am I going to handle being here on earth without my baby girl?
Soon after she is born the holidays will be here, they are supposed to be joyful but I know that this year that will not happen. Of course Julian will make be smile and he will make me stay strong. I will have no choice but to put on a happy face for him. I have to promise myself that no matter what I am not going to give him anything less than wonderful holiday memories. I am thinking way ahead of myself and I need to stop..... Thank God today is almost over, I want to sleep and wake up to another day, hopefully it will be better than today, it just has to.