I am still in a daze, is this really happening? There are moments when I feel like I cannot breath and then in a split second I get this calmness come over me and it makes me feel so much better. A true roller coater of emotions fill up my body.
Sunday, we decided to take Julian to Disneyland for a little bit. I really did not walk all that much, I sat and waited for them to get on the rides. Well that night while trying to go to sleep, I sat up somewhat screamed and then my water broke (11:20pm, same time my water broke with Julian). It was like my body knew it was going to happen the split second before it even happened. I started to panic and cry and tell my honey that I was not ready yet. He held my hand and told me I could get through this, I just needed to take a deep breath and relax. I rushed into the shower and really started to panic in there. Julian came in and was crying for the baby and he just wanted to hold and kiss my stomach, he knew something big was about to happen. That just added more to my non-stop crying. I was trying to rush out of the house but the fluid wouldn't stop! I had to change like three times. Finally, we were on the road, I called the hospital so they could be ready for our arrival. We dropped Julian off with my brother Ernie. We arrived at the hospital about 1 AM. Still fluid coming out of like crazy. Once I got there the contractions really started and so did a sense of calmness. My honey and I both felt it. Cheryl our triage nurse was wonderful. At that time I was 4cm and she said I would have the baby by 7am. I was in denial especially since with Julian I had the longest labor ever.
I decided to go with epidural and again it did not work like with Julian. I am not a good candidate for that stuff. Either way I did not need it. The pains were not as bad and it was not even pain I felt it was more pressure than anything. At around 3:45 I asked them to check me because the pressure was so bad and sure enough, Sami's head was visible, we were ready to go! I had to try so hard to not freak out at that time. They asked me if I wanted to try to push or just wait a little bit for the doctor, I opted to wait for a little more. I waited about one hour then I just knew I had to let go. My sister got there about the same time the doctor did. It was showtime and at that moment there was a presence in the room that I cannot describe. All of a sudden I had sudden strength and this overwhelming peace come over me. In about three pushes pure perfection came out of me. That part is still a little bit of a blur but the doctor's checked her so fast and placed my Lauren Samantha upon my chest. I could only cry happy tears, I was so happy and so in love in that instead moment. I could only describe that feeling as beautiful. I held her in me for 37 weeks and to actually have her in my arms is a feeling that I cannot put into words. There are no words to describe that feeling of perfect...
With all going on, the NICU doctors realized that Sami really never had encephalocele!! Sami was supposed to be a twin and the mass attached to her little head was that, a brother or sister, the egg must of never split correctly. On the mass you can clearly see another ear and an eye. It was so comforting to know that is what really happened. Either way it is a bad situation but I least I know she is not alone.
For one hour and forty minutes, Sami showed me what peacefulness really means. In that moment I was just overwhelmed by her strength and courage. I must of told her I loved her about a thousand times and it still did not seem like enough. At 6:44 am she left to be with God and I knew it. I did not cry at that time because she just seemed so at peace. My baby girl had left us physically but will forever be a part of me. These past few months have been so challenging but I would never take it back, I have been forever changed because of Sami. Now I know what the other loss mamma's talk about. I give it to them because this is so hard to come to terms with.
I have to say the hardest part is when the mortuary people knocked on that door and took her from me. I thought I was going to die, that hurt so much I wish I could block that out of my mind forever. Seeing my husband strap her into her car seat just killed me. He was so strong to do that with me crying uncontrollably. He was able to manage and then come comfort me. He has been so strong and wonderful in all of this, he hurts just as much as I do and still he continues to set his feelings aside to make sure I am OK.
We were blessed to have family and friends stop by throughout the day, I needed the company because being alone it still very hard for us. In the middle of the night I finally had my breakdown moment. I was was shaking, crying, my temperature was weird and my blood pressure was up and down. My nurse Maryann was very understanding and very concerned but she just knew it was my hormones. It was scary, I woke up Larry and scared him to death because he had no idea what was going on with me. I held up well during the day but at night it hit me hard. Sitting there at the hospital without my baby was so hard for me. They came to pick her up around 4pm so I had her for a long time. I wish I had longer but I knew I had to let her go before her little body started to change in color. I did not want to see that.
The next day I could not wait to leave that hospital and walk out with empty arms. My nurse Judith was so nice and she broke down too. Made me feel good that they too felt my pain and were not afraid to show it. I forgot to mention Angie the delivery nurse, she was amazing. So for all the nurses that made this experience as best as possible, THANK YOU! Your care and concern meant so much to Larry and myself.
I have gone and on but I wanted to right some of this before I forget. Again, thank you to EVERYONE for the wonderful love and support.
Services for Sami will be held on Tuesday, November 3rd. Viewing from 10am - 12pm and Mass will begin at 12:30pm.
Queen of Heaven Mortuary 2161 S Fullerton Road, Rowland Heights, CA (626) 964-1291.
I wanted to let everyone know that my angel from above arrived on Monday, October 26Th 2009 at 5:04 am and went to be with God at 6:44 am. In one hour and forty minutes she showed me what love, peace and strength are like no one has ever done. I am a very proud mommy! Sami weighed 4lbs and was 15.5 in long!!!
At this moment it is a little difficult to write in detail, however I will because I never want to forget this experience for my self. I am still walking around in a daze not really sure if I really comprehend what has happened.
My husband and I would like to thank everyone for their unconditional love and support these past few days.
Today I went to see my doctor and he said he thinks I should be having Sami in about a week or so. That really scares me because I feel I still need more time with her. Physically I am exhausted and ready to go but mentally I am so not there yet. There are days when I think I am ready but realistically I am not because I am so scared. In a few days all this will be over and my life will be forever changed. In these past few months I have seen so many changes within myself and to think there are so many more to come. Not knowing what to expect scares the crap out of me. I love this little girl more than life itself and the thought of having to let her go just kills me. It is not fair that I have to even think of letting her go. Call me selfish if you will but I am not ready to do that just yet and well I do not think any parent ever is. It is all in God's hands and I have to trust in him to get me through and I know that when she is ready she will let me know. In a way she is doing that now. I cannot wait to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her but at the same time I know that at that point I am also going to have to say goodbye. How do I do that? I have had so long to prepare for this you would think I would be somewhat ready for that. I really thought I was until the doctor told me it will be soon. Now I am starting to panic. I have to keep telling myself I will get through this and I will be OK. This is something that is just going to make me a stronger person.
Since last week I have given a lot of thought of the whole burial versus cremation and in my heart I think it is only right to go with cremation. I cannot imagine myself having to visit her at the cemetery. For some people it feels right but going to the cemeter the other day just did not feel right. I think she needs to come home with us. I have not thought of what I would do with her ashes, maybe one day I will find the perfect place for her or who knows maybe her perfect place will be at home with us forever. I figure one step at a time but as of now I think cremation will be best. My honey and I have discussed it over and over and we both agree so that makes me really happy.
This is my point she is not here yet and I already to have think of this stuff. I cannot believe it sometimes. My head just cannot get used to that idea even though I know it is my reality. Today I am an emotional wreck and I am so tired tired.
So again another sleepless night, thanks to me being itchy. My doctor was at the hospital so he asked me to go straight there when I called him in the morning. Great another Monday at the hospital. I started having contractions on the way over there but I figured it was because I was nervous (hospital's make me nervous) well no.... I was getting some pretty good contractions and I have started to dialate. I am only at 1cm and there is no turning back now. The day is getting closer for us. I know it could take a while but still. I am closer to the finish line than I expected. Well there at the hospital they drew some blood and gave me a shot of something or other to help with the itching. It made me feel really drunk. I was given a prescription for cholestasis medication. I figured it had to be that, the itching is not normal.
I sat there in triage and could not help but laugh... who has itchy elbows and knees? My luck I feel like this can only happen to me. With all this stuff happening it is starting to make me laugh, what else can I do right? Sami was having fun, moving away from the heart monitor. The nurse was trying to get a good steady beat but Sami had her own plans. I asked them to remove it, she was not going to cooperate and I was just getting itchier.
So I was finally released, thank God it was not an all day event there. I am starting to feel a little better but it the itchiness is still there. I hope it will go away soon so that I can get some sleep. I am so tired...
Wow, what a week I had!!! First Monday I was completely at my breaking point. I had not slept; I was the worst pain ever. I called my OB doctor in the morning and he told me to go to straight to the hospital which we did. There... I was having mild contractions, I was not dilating (which is good), my breathing was little off but it was not bad. The nurse in triage was super nice and she was trying to help me as much as possible because she knew how uncomfortable I was. Once my doctor seen me he called the Parenatologists to come drain some of the fluid because it was way too much for me to handle. When he finally came back to tell me they were going to drain some fluid, I just sat there and cried, FINALLY!!!!! That took a while because the doctors were going at it but it worked out for me. I was moved to new room and finally I was closer to feeling better. I was annoyed because the parenatologists took forever and when she got there she asked why I had not come in sooner... did I not just see her on Friday? I had gotten there at 11 am, I had not really eaten and by the time she got there it was already 6pm!! I was not in the best of moods by this point. Finally after while she was able to figure out how to use the new kit provided for her for a Thoracentesis as she called it, it took a very long hour and half to drain out 4 litters of fluid from me. It was painful however I instantly started to feel better. I wish I would have ate something and probably had more fluids but the point was that finally my belly had some room and I hopefully going to be able to get some sleep!! Well the following two days were a bit challenging but thank God for my mom who was making sure I was resting and not having to run around after Julian. I was getting contractions, I was not able to control my body temperature which was really odd but it was not high enough to go back to the hospital. I was feeling better in a sense but at the same time not so much it was really weird for me. Then since my honey had taken the days off to be with me we decided we had to go the mortuary to finalize things. My brother had gone but they said they could not do anything until we, the parents went to sign. Why I decided to go this week is beyond me but I am glad that is over. Now I am torn between having to bury her or cremate her, I seen a casket and it absolutely freaked me out and almost gave me a panic attack so I really to need re think things. That is a whole other issue.
Now Thursday, I am getting home sick because there is nothing like being at home but at the same time, still not feeling well and feeling a little depressed I knew it was best to stay with my mom. Finally Friday.... I am feeling better but now I have a cold and I am itchy all over. I am still having trouble sleeping but I am feeling better which is good. Emotionally I am drained... this week has been so long. I have come to realize that these next few weeks are only going to get harder. Now that I can move better and get around easier I am starting to notice Sami moving so much more which makes me feel so much better. I cannot help touching my belly all the time.
Friday morning, I went to the doctor and all is well, thank goodness. My friend stopped to visit at my mom’s and the company was very much well received. A few hours to talk and just be normal was nice for a change. Being home feels so good and I came home to find that one of my brothers sent me flowers so that was really nice. My house smells fresh and I like it.
I have decided that from this point on I am going to concentrate on Julian's birthday party since that is coming up in a few weeks. No matter what happens in the next few weeks, my little guy will have his birthday party. It may not be big but he will have some memories of his second birthday. Now it is Sunday and I actually feel well rested for once, I actually got a good night’s sleep which my body desperately needed. I am still itchy like crazy especially my hands and feet however I am trying everything in my power to take control of that. It has to go away because I am not going to let that be the one factor that does not let me rest. So for today’s agenda…. Going to take Julian to the pumpkin patch. Thank you everyone for being to nice and understanding this week.
Well yesterday at the doctor's they were not able to drain the fluid. I am carrying over three times the normal amount! My breathing is fine so that is not a concern for them which made them decide it would be best to just make me wait. I was very sad by that because I just cannot tolerate this pain anymore however, Sami is not ready just yet so I have to give her her time. She is in position, so far down they were not able to even see her head anymore! Because I have so much fluid not much of her was even visible in the ultrasound. I did however get a good glimpse of the little foot that hurts me all day! I had to ask them "what the heck is here (top of my belly) because this hurts constantly" and sure enough her little foot... I have been having contractions more often but they are not consistent or that strong yet. The doctor was very surprised that I have not gone into labor yet. My blood pressure is normal, my feet are not swollen so in there eyes, I am fine. They understand the discomfort but they do not feel like my health is at risk.
As much as I want to hold on to her, I feel like I just cannot continue this for that much longer. It is all in God's hands but I pray everyday that it happens sooner than later at this point. Maybe my body is going through this so that I am able to be ready in some way. Right now at this point in time, I can say that I am ready. It makes me feel a little bad thinking that way but it is the truth.
I want to say THANK YOU to everyone for all the nice messages and for showing so much support. It really means so much to me.
I have been home now for a few days and it is so overwhelming. I feel like I have so much to do and not enough energy to get it all done. Julian has been sick with the flu and that has not been fun but thank goodness he is getting better now. I am totally sleep deprived and feeling the affects of it. I dread the nights because I am so unconfortable and in so much pain. I have to sleep sitting up and for me that is nearly impossible. I get in about two hours then it is time to switch positions and that takes me a while to get comfortable again, then it is time to repeat again... Horrible!!! I have a doctor appointment tomorrow and I am crossing my fingers that they will be able to drain this fluid because I cannot deal with the pain any longer. I called this morning and I am waiting for a call back from them. I am exhausted, grumpy and ultra emotional so I need something that is going to make me feel better. Today I decided to really get everything ready, like washing Sami's clothes and packing her bag. Two weeks a go I did it in a rush but I have time now to really get it ready and make sure I have everything I will possibly need for myself and her.
Some days it just does not seem real to me. One day I feel like I am ready and the next I feel like I am not. My heart is so torn and I know that is normal but how will life be like after this? I wonder what is going to be my new normal, my new life! So many things to think about and take in. One good thing is that little by little I feel like I am not as scared as I once was. Perhaps because I do not have a choice but go through this, it is what is. I have put all my faith into this, although some people may differ with me on that. I will not mention any names but I have been informed of someone close to me who has said that this is all happening because they believe my faith is not strong enough, God is full of miracles but I just have to trust in him and obviously I am not! You have no idea how much that has hurt my feelings. I would not be able to do this if my faith was not strong enough and if I did not believe in God. God, works in my mysterious ways and for some of us it does not always mean a happy ending and I have learned to accept that. That does NOT have anything to do with how strong my faith or isn't! I know it is difficult for people to understand what it is really like to be in my shoes right now and I have to try to remember that because it can change my personal relationships with people and I do not want that. I tend to be the "I can do it myself" person and accepting help from people is usually hard for me but I know that in the days to come I will need that extra help. I do not know how to have people care for me especially in this situation because I feel that people will do it because they feel sorry for me. I do not need anyone to feel sorry for me. I know that I am loved and people just want to reach out a helping hand but is so hard for me to just be accepting of that. Sometimes I just want to be left alone and at the same time I just someone to listen to me cry and tell me it is going to be OK. I have come so far now and I have been so strong but as the days go by I just feel like am losing that strength little by little.
As I sit here typing away, while listening to the radio of course Julian sees me crying and oh my little boy... He put his head on tummy, grabbed my hand and had me dance with him! I have just melted, he is the reason why I have to be strong, he is the reason why I have to be able to handle this and just the best person I can possibly be. So I will be on my way... my little guys needs his mommy right now. I will keep you posted with my appointment tomorrow.