Wish me luck...

I can do this…. My co worker just had her son yesterday and I am going to attempt to visit her today. I am a little scared only because she delivered at the same hospital where Julian was born and I did not have the best experience there. I think this little visit is just going to remind me how sad I was at that hospital but I am going to try to not think of that. I was devastated to see Julian being taken out of there by ambulance to another hospital. How helpless I felt because there was nothing I could do for him. Julian was not breathing well because he has meconium in his lungs. Sami’s apgar scores were better than his, Julian was blue when he was born and was breathing under 10 breaths per minute. It was a really hard to watch him struggle to breath especially when that could have been avoided if the doctor would have just done a c-section many hours before. I was terrified to say the least. After 33 hours of labor I don’t know how I managed to get the strength to get up and be by his side while they were trying to get his stable and find a hospital to send him to. It never crossed my mind that delivering at a small hospital without a NICU was probably not wise. I remember when we did the hospital tour and they showed us the room where they would put the baby in if there were to be an emergency. I am never one to speak up and ask questions but I did because it kind of scared to see such a small space for that. I asked where they would be taken to and what type of transportation would be used. I didn’t plan on needing those services. A hard lesson learned, thank God Julian is doing well now and nothing major happened to him. Soon after that I changed my doctors so that I could have one who would deliver my future baby at a bigger facility, maybe I jinxed myself because I picked one that specializes is high risk and well we all know that story. Why can’t I just come home with a healthy baby in my arms? One day, one day, I just need to think positive and remind myself that good things can happen to me once again.

I can do this, I can’t avoid babies forever. After last week I need to do this for myself. I need to face it, deal with it and be able to move on so that I can avoid another anxiety attack like last week. I managed to go into the store and walk through the baby section to get her son a little gift. It was not bad and I assume because it was a boy, had it been a girl I would have been crying. I was seriously in and out of there quickly, so fast that I did not even notice the baby girl stuff. That Target visit was the fastest I have ever done, my husband would be so proud. So back to the point, I am going to face my hospital fears and take her some lunch. Wish me luck!!!