I survived the hospital visit. Walking in was a little weird. Room 302 where Julian was born was open and vacant. Thankfully the little nursery for sick babies was also vacant. That made me feel better to know that at that moment there wasn't a mom crying or worried for her baby. Everything was peaceful and calm and the nurses at the nurses station seemed to be in a jolly mood.
I held my breath as I opened to door to my friend's room and in a second I let out a sigh of relief. I feel a little bad that I didn't look at the baby instantly but went to give her a hug first. There he was a sleeping healthy baby boy. Something about seeing him just calmed my nerves, he just seemed so at peace. I sat and chatted with her and her husband and then it began, he started to fuss and cry. I wasn't planning on picking him up but they were not getting up either, it was awkward for a little bit until I convinced myself that I could do it. Maybe the feeling of being able to comfort him would bring me comfort and it did. I tried to get him as comfortable as possible but he was still not having it, he was one hungry little guy. He was like a little bird trying to find food, it was cute. I was going to hand him over to his mom but she handed me a bottle instead. So I grabbed it and started to feed him. I did just fine, he was eating away. It was nice to see such an innocent little being, nothing to worry about except for eating. He quickly finished his bottle and he burped away. I gently placed him back and said my goodbyes.
I am glad my visit was short and sweet. It actually felt good walking out of there knowing that I was able to actually hold a baby without crying my eyes out. It was easier I think because he is a boy, had it been a little girl I know I would not have the strength to be that brave. With time I am sure I will feel differently. It feels like a ton of bricks has been lifted of my shoulders. You have idea how much this was weighing on me. Who would have ever thought that holding and seeing a baby can take so much energy out of someone, especially since before I would volunteer to hold any newborn. I won't be taking care of babies anytime soon but I have taken one giant step ahead for now.
Thank you so much for all the support.
1 year ago