Back to square one

I do not even know where to begin with post today. For starters this blog is my self therapy, my personal place to write whatever the heck I please. I am saying this for the people in the non baby loss world. If you do not like what I have to say or do not agree with something, sorry I am not apologizing for what I truly feel in my heart. Baby loss world is no easy task. You could say you understand what I feel when we talk but soon after we hang up you get to live your normal life again, I do not.

One of my brother’s and I are really close and we are able to share everything and anything, I love him so much. He has been my #1 supporter through out this crazy year of mine. A few months into my pregnancy he told me he was going to also have a baby but things were not looking good between him and the baby’s mom. Unfortunately for him he was not able to be a part of the pregnancy. I really hurt for him because I knew this really meant so much to him and at the same time he felt bad for me because of all the complications I was having. On October 16, 2009 my niece Camila came into this world, a perfectly healthy baby girl. It took my brother a while to actually hear of the news and actually get to meet his baby girl. Since then things have changed and he does get to see her now after a long wait. So on Tuesday after work he warned me that he was going to take his daughter over to my mom’s. This was going to be my first time meeting her. He has been really understanding in regards to me being nervous about seeing her since Camila and Sami were born only 10 days apart. On my drive to my mom’s I somewhat got myself prepared to meet her. There she was when I arrived, an adorable baby with the cutest little outfit on. I attempted to carry her but as I got closer I felt my lip quiver and I just could not do it. I really tried but I think if I would have carried her I would have made her cry because I know baby’s can sense people’s emotions. Making her cry was the last thing I wanted to do. I touched her little hand instead and because I felt so bad I busted out my camera and took tons of pictures of her. I was happy with myself because I was able to interact with her and I was completely ok with that. It was difficult because it make me think of all the things that I am missing out on. They are the same age and they would probably be doing the same little things right about now. I did not feel as bad because my brother did not take offense to me not being able to hold her. He was really understanding with it all. Did I mention that I love him? So Tuesday was a long day for me to say the least.

So yesterday I was still feeling a little blue but it was not as bad until… I decided to go visit my brother Carlos and the kids. I should have called before I went over there. My other brother’s ex wife was there for a visit with the kids. I have not spoken to her in a while but seeing her does not bother me for one bit. I have known her pretty much all my life. I seen her car in the driveway but I was not able to just go back home because the kids seen me, that would have just been really obvious. It was not her that I was avoiding at all but she also has a baby that is only 3 days older than Sami. I walked in and tried to make the best of my visit so I sat and chatted with my nice Melissa who was also there for a visit (our family is pretty close). Then I went and sat with my nephew and that it is when it stared to hit me. I tried to keep myself busy and check my email on my phone, well that did not help because there was an email from another loss mom describing how she felt two years after her son passed away ( not good). So gain I tried to make conversation but I really could not handle it. I was trying to control my breathing because I was starting to get hot and really shaky. Then my niece Cassandra came home and she went to pick up the baby and she was talking about how big he was. I know she did not do that to spite me in any way. It is just a normal thing to do when you see a baby. I think before I would have probably done the same thing. She came and asked me if I was ok, I think I was looking like I was not comfortable, I was honest and said no. At that point I felt like I was going to burst and it had only been a few minutes that I was there. It felt like the walls were closing in on me and I could not catch my breath. I was really having an anxiety attack and there was no stopping it. I literally ran out, I did not even grab Julian! I needed air and I could not get out fast enough. I am glad my nephew brought Julian out for me, poor Julian he was not even ready to leave yet. I had not cried like that or felt that way in such a long time it actually scared me.

Not having my honey close by did not help. I wanted to be able to go to him so he could hug me but instead I had to call him. He always has a way to calm me down and make me feel better but at this point nothing would have helped. I was really having a breakdown. He was in another place, away from all of this in some casino in Laughlin Nevada for work. He tried to calm me down but I just needed to go through this on my own. I want to be able escape like him to a place where I am not going to reminded that my five month old daughter is not here with me. I only talked to him briefly because I could here all this noise in the background since he was out having dinner with his co-workers. I just wanted to run, run to some place that was going to make everything better.

I am not very good at showing my emotions in front of people. I felt so embarrassed that I had actually caused a little scene. It is really not like me to do something like that. I am normally so composed and I seem to be living life like everybody else. Perhaps that is why people never bother to ask how I am doing huh? Or maybe by reading my blog they know I am not well most days so why bother to ask right? At this point I do not care. I do not expect anyone who has never lost a child to understand that things for me will never be fine. For the rest of my life I am going to live with this heartache. Yes, I have gone back to work, I have gone to family parties, I even smile and laugh every so often but that does not mean that I have moved on and that I am fine. Yesterday just reassured me that I still have a long way to go. I know that I cannot avoid seeing little babies but I was already having a shitty week and then seeing not one but two babies the same age as Sami just drove me over the age. The baby's mom's get to go home enjoy their son and daughter, they get to complain how tired they are because the baby did not let them sleep enough at night, they get to hold and kiss them whenever they want, what do I get? I get to come home and cry into the receiving blanket that once touched Sami's skin. Back to square one.