Sami's celebration part two

Yesterday, we decided to go take some flowers to the babies at the baby land at the cemetery like we did after her service last year. It's bittersweet but it makes me smile. A lady was there and she came up to me and told me "I am not sure why you are doing this but I think it's a great, thank you" she had tears in her eyes. I told her it was in honor of my daughter, I guess she was there to see her parents and a brother who only lived one day. I guess I had already put some flowers at his sight by the time she got there. I think I am going to keep this tradition going.
Julian has fun doing that, he was cleaning of the plaques up too. He released his last balloon for his sister because on Saturday he wasn't ready to let go of his smiley face balloon but once we were there he wanted and let it go, he said Happy Birthday to her again and again. It broke my heart but I love that he loves her so darn much. He was hugging and kissing her so much.

Sami with the flowers for all the other angel's.

Julian giving Sami kisses



When we got there no flowers were in sight



I think we did an ok job of adding some color



Sami's celebration

First off I want to thank everyone who sent me messages, cards and gifts for Sami's birthday. I am just overwhelmed by all the love and support we have received.

OK so Wednesday I finally received the shipment of all the balloons. I wanted to write the names on the balloons before I had them inflated so I started to do that on Thursday night after work. My family had to attend service for our neighbor so since I had my sister in law there I put her to work and started writing names. Well the markers I had bought were not really working on them too well. It was too late to run to the store for some more because it was already 10pm. Friday morning I had to get the balloons to the store early because there was 100 that needed to get inflated! I figured I would just write the names after they were inflated, I should have just done that from the start but oh well, I still had 50 to go. Thank goodness we have big cars in my family because it only took 4 cars to transport the balloons back to my brother's house. That was a project!!! By this time, I had tried to set up the tables and chairs at the house so that I wouldn't have to worry about it Saturday morning. I am so glad I did that. I was rushing because we had the walk to remember at the hospital at 7pm. Well we all rush there and my luck they messed up on my invite because it's on the 28th!!!!!! Fantastic.... well back to name writing on the balloons. I should have been taking photos of that so that you can see every name but at this point I was so tired I just wanted to finish so that I could go to sleep.
Saturday morning came, mass was early 9am but so worth it. Many people didn't go but there was a lot still there. It was great to turn around and see so many people. Sami's nurses were there and let me tell you, that just made my day. I love Cheryl and Angie with all my heart. They are nurses with the heart of gold and will forever be a part of my life.
I had my camera ready to go and I forgot it in the truck. By the time I noticed it mass had already began and I couldn't get to my camera. I could have kicked my own butt because I really wanted to record her mass. My friend Andrea sand and she has such a beautiful voice. She sang Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good and I will carry you by Selah. I don't think there was a dry eye in that church, it was simply beautiful. I actually got up and said something, not sure where that courage came from because I hate speaking in public. Through my tears I was able to thank everyone for being there. My husband said a few words too that just made me want to totally break down and cry. How he misses our beautiful baby girl, sigh!

Right after we went to my brother's, it started to drizzle so I really wanted to get to the balloon release before heavier rain came but thank goodness it didn't. During the release my friend Danny was singing Somewhere over the rainbow. Again with so much going on I didn't record it again. My husband explained to everyone there that every balloon had a name of other babies gone much to soon. Every balloon was in dedication to them and their parents who like us have experienced a loss like ours. It was so emotional for me to see all the balloons take off and stick together.

Well one balloon that was Riley's decided to stick around for a bit but we got it going and it soon caught up with the rest. Everyone applauded when that finally happened. So Megan if you are reading this that was a little stubborn one you had there, lol! I really think that was everyone's favorite part was seeing those balloons take off. For me it gave me so much peace, it's been one year of roller coaster emotions that will continue but I am getting used it. It's a familiar ride now not one with unexpected turns and I like it that way.

I am sorry I didn't get pictures of every single balloon but I promise every single one of you were included.

Delicious red velvet cupcakes made by best friend Jomie

Everyone getting ready for the release

Almost time

I can hardly believe that Sami's memorial is this Saturday! I am almost ready, I just need to finish the names on the balloon for the balloon release that I am very excited for. I just got news that we found someone to play the piano during her mass, I didn't want it to be so quiet. We will also have a guitarist during her lunch. He is a good friend and last year he played at her service and I told he had to make us smile with his music again. I am sure my family will like that surprise.

I have been feeling way better this week, I hope this is just a sign for better days to come with this little rainbow. On Tuesday, Sami's actual birthday I get to go see the specialist for my NT scan. To say I am nervous is an understatement. That is the same test that let me know something was wrong. I haven't really thought about it because I will make myself sick so I will just let it be until that day. Please pray that all is well with this little one. I don't know what I will do if they find something wrong again. OK enough of that for now... This week I am have been smiling more even though I can't believe it's going to be one year since my beautiful Sami as here with me, sigh! In this year I have cried like never before, it's normal to me now yet I have smiled like never before because she has blessed me in so many ways. I am so thankful Sami came into my life, what a beautiful blessing from above.

Shine a light

Today is infant loss and pregnancy loss remembrance day. As many of you know today we  light a candle at 7pm your local time in honor of all the precious little one's who have gone much to soon. This is such a bittersweet day for many of us. Thinking of all of you who have lost a child today.

I have not posted much here, I have so many things to say yet no words to write. This past week has been pretty bad. I really, really feel ill all day long (so not like my other pregnancy's), it has been going on for quite some time but this week it just hasn't let up at all. I have no energy, I have spotting and I have a lovely UTI. I am always at the doctor's office, I feel bad for them. Baby looks good but since I haven't been feeling well I haven't been drinking and eating as I should so I am dehydrated. I am working on it but it's been hard. Some how I have managed to get things going for Sami's mass next week so I am not as stressed over that. Although the weather might change that since it might rain!!!!

One more thing, please pray for my friend's who lost their daughter Savannah Sara on 10/08/10. Last night I attended the service and boy was that hard!!! The doctor's said she would live one hour, well she proved them wrong and lived 9 precious days. Savannah had a severe gene defect that affected her breathing and her organs. My hearts just breaks for them. Please give them in your thoughts and prayers.

How I wish this could happen

I had a dream that I went to my brother's house to tell them my pregnancy news. We sat there wishing Marie was here so that I could tell her myself. Well we turned and she was there in the kitchen cleaning up like usual. It was weird because we knew she wasn't supposed to be there but she explained that she was only there for a little bit and that after church she would have to return back home. It was on a Saturday and they always go to mass that day. She looked so radiant and beautiful. The girls were just so excited to have there mom hom again. She was making their lunches for the week. My brother was alive again, smiling yet sad because we all knew she had to return. In the excitement of it all I never told her my news but she knew because she touched my belly. Thinking of it makes me want to cry because she looked so darn beautiful and peaceful. This deam felt so real, her touch was so warm.

I wish they can visit us for a few hours at a time, wouldn't that be perfect? I miss her so much but I love knowing how happy she is being at home in heaven. This dreamed filled me with so much peace, thank you God for that lovely dream. I really needed that. No mater where Marie is she is still doing what she does best, loving us all and making sure we are taken care of. I wish I could always dream like that.

Thank you everyone

THANK YOU everyone for all the well wishes. It is much appreciated.

Is it just me or has this week seemed like forever? I guess it's a good thing but I just want tomorrow to come. My honey will be coming home, he has been this work for work. I have been staying at my mom's so I don't have to make the long commute everyday and that has been nice. I could actually get an extra hour of sleep (so needed). I haven't been feeling all that well and I hope he goes away soon, I am just so darn tired. Sami's memorial is only a few weeks away and I haven't even thought of a menu yet! I have just been so out of it lately. Hopefully this weekend I will be able to pull it together and get things going. I don't have much of a choice because it's only 2 weeks away.

Warning, pregnancy mentioned

I am not sure why I have been so afraid to post this but I am expecting again. I am terrified but so excited at the same time. A pregnancy after loss is so darn different. As many others on this journey have said they feel "robbed" well I agree. I want to be jumping up for joy like before without having to be worried so much. October is such a hard month for me as it is and now adding those lovely pregnancy hormones to it just makes it a little more overwhelming. I have given it so much thought whether or not to do another blog for this new journey but I can't even keep up with this one sometimes so I am going to just keep this one. I know for some of you hearing about rainbow's isn't easy and I feel bad but everything I do in my life will always include Sami. I feel like this little one to be is a true gift from above. Let's see if the dream I had with Marie (telling me that my son Joseph will come home to me soon) is true.

I will have a lovely gift for my May birthday in 2011. Wish me luck and please pray that I will be able to come home with a live baby this time.

October

October, you bring me a flood of emotions. Last year I was so lost and scared now I am just missing my sweet baby girl. I am proud of myself that I have come this far in my feelings. I never thought I would get here. I thought I would have that feeling of dying forever. I still hurt, that will never go away but I have learned to accept my fate and go with it. Sami's life has touched so many people, it makes me smile. I am still not quite where I want to be because I still haven't quite figured out how I am going to give back. So many things have crossed my mind but I am just stuck. I will let it go for now, let October pass and hopefully the little light will finally go on. I pray to God that this month is gentle on my heart. I didn't think it would be this month emotional for me and it's just day 1!!! Last year she was still with me physically and this year just her memory, sigh....

Birth certificate

Fall is here, I love the fall. The smells, the cool breeze on my face and the falling leaves. I love it all but these past days it has brought me so many emotions. I stepped out the truck yesterday and the smell in the air just brought me back to last year when I was trying my best to embrace everyday with Sami. I would pray to God to let me hold her as long as I could even though by this point I was already in pain from the poly. Everyday I would embrace those kicks and take it all in. It is weird how a simple smell can bring me back to those moments in an instant. I am happy for those moments but it still pulls at my heart. How I wish it would be different. It's almost 11 months, I can't believe it. Next month will be her memorial service and I am looking forward to it because I really want it to bring me peace. I need to do this for me and of course for her. I hope it all turns out to be OK.

So yesterday as I walked in I noticed the mail and there it is was... her birth certificate. It took me long enough to order it, not sure why to be honest. There in my hand was official proof that she really was born alive. I felt like showing it off to who ever just so they can really see for themselves that she really lived. It broke my heart to see on the bottom corner "date of death" but I just ignored that part. Even if she would have never taken a single breath I would still say she lived. Sorry for all you have had a still birth and have to deal with people believing your child never lived. Just makes me sad because they all lived within us. It is so sad that I received her death certificate before this one but it is what it is. Now I get to place another item in her memory box.  I want to cry, I want to scream that this is just so unfair. I miss her so much, I ache for her every single day. For people who wonder if I have moved on, uumm no! Coping... yes, breathing... yes learning to live out her... yes. Some days are good, I smile, I laugh but the pain is never far away.

Sami baby please surround me with your warmth as the days to your birthday approach. It's starting to get a little more difficult for me. Time obviously isn't healing my broken heart. I need you more than ever, lots of kisses and hugs my sweet.

Angel wings

I know I have posted before about Sami's angel wings. Well with her urn there were wings attached to it. When we seen them we just knew that on the day of her service she had to be wearing them. They fit her perfectly, we were so excited. My niece Victoria couldn't believe she really had wings that day, I love the mind of innocent children. My sister told her she was an angel so seeing Sami with wings she was taken back. Makes me smile thinking of that because I know she will always remember her cousin as an angel. A few days later when we had to go pick up her ashes (I hate the way that sounds) they gave me her blanket and rosary but no angel wings. She was creamated with them, she is such a girl and didn't want to wait in line I suppose. Why wait for wings when you already have them right?  I don't know why it took me so long order them again but I did. Today they came in the mail, it made me happy but so emotional at the same time. It doesn't seem right that I have to go through stuff like this. I should be buying her clothes and bows not angel wings to put on her bear. Some days I feel like I am coping as best as I could then out of nowhere I get stopped right in my tracks. My life is different, I accept it even though I would much rather have another life. I life that doesn't involve so much pain in my heart, a life that was supposed be---complete.

These past few months I haven't really felt this pain so intensly as tonight. The pain is always there but it wasn't something that I couldn't handle. I can't really explain it but I am sure many of you can relate. I keep reliving the moments that most people NEVER have to think about such as dressing your dead child, calling the morturary to pick her because her skin was changing color. Those are moments that I will never forget no matter how much time passes. October is so near, it's really starting to hit me.

Happy Birthday Hope

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOPE!!!!

What a journey it has been for Hope, please stop by her blog and wish her a happy 1st birthday.. Her mom Paula and I met on baby center over a year ago. She is the reason why I started this blog. We shared our fears because both of our little girl's had HLHS (hypoplastic left heart syndrome). Although our journey's took different paths I am so HAPPY for Paula and Hope. That little girl is something else. She has been through so much in just one year. It hasn't been an easy road but through it all she finds a way to smile and brighten everyone's day. I hope to one day meet her in person. I think she is just the cutest little miracle.
This weekend Hope will be celebrating her birthday with a Family Fun Day in Cleaveland. Procedes will go to a foundation that is dear to Paula,  The Children's Heart Foundation.

Happy Birthday Marie

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARIE!!!

Forever loved and missed. I am sending you hugs and kisses. I hope you liked the orchids I got you. I know they were one of your favorites.

Alan Jackson - Sissy's Song

Sissy's song by Alan Jackson

Why did she have to go

So young I just don't know why

Things happen half the time

Without reason without rhyme

Lovely, sweet young woman

Daughter, wife and mother

Makes no sense to me

I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels

By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees

And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting

And I know she's smiling saying

Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind

Just trying to survive

And understand the why

Feeling so lost inside

Anger shot straight at God

Then asking for His love

Empty with disbelief

Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels

By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees

And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting

And I know she's smiling saying

Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye

Her picture in my mind

Will always be of times I'll cherish

And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels

By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees

And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting

And I know she's smiling saying

Don't worry 'bout me

Don't worry 'bout me

Don`t worry 'bout me

When I first heard this song it made me sad to think that song was written for someone who lost a loved one. I never in a million years would have thought that I would hear it and think of Marie. This stuff happened to other people so I thought. Now it's our reality, it's not fair. On Sunday it will be Marie's birthday. My heart hurts right now. Last year on her birthday we were smiling laughing and enjoying a beautiful day at the fair .  If I would have known that would be the last birthday I would share with her I would have taken it all in. I would have laughed more, Marie had this beautiful smile. I need her now more than ever.
I need her words of wisdom, I need her tell me that I can deal with whatever life throws at me. I can't believe she isn't here with us. Sometimes I feel selfish for being mad that she was taken when I needed her the most. We all needed her in my family. Oh my gosh I can't stop crying, I will continue my Marie post later in the weekend. I am so emotional!!!

More photos to share

I wanted to share more pictures with all of you

This was on the front of the card that Katy sent me since I was the winner of her giveaway (hooray)

I was lucky to win this beautiful prayer bracelet.

Then after I won that one I won this beautiful candle from Michelle

Aren't I so lucky? I just LOVE this candle. If you get a chance please stop by and visit Michelle's blog as tomorrow is her sweet Audrey's 1st heavenly birthday. Send some extra love to her wonderful mommy who wears a heavy heart these days.

Thank you ladies for creating such beautiful gifts to give, I am really honored to have won them ((HUGS)).

Happy 2nd Birthday Peyton!!!

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2386/2254139180_d7195d6b1c.jpg

                                            Happy Birthday to Peyton!!!
Please stop by her beautiful mommy's blog and send her well wishes on this day that is so difficult for her. Kristin, I pray for strength and peace today. ((HUGS))

Photos to share

FINALLY the bricks are in!!! I am so excited.

Sami and Marie are forever a part of Disneyland!

Marie loved to take the girls there all the time and I was there in labor with Sami. Crazy I know but I was in denial that I was in labor! So I can say that was the last place where I held her. The happiest place on earth, what a beautiful memory to have huh? I love the fact that these bricks are right at the entrance of Disneyland too, not anywhere else. I didn't have a choice as to where they are placed so I guess it was just meant to be and I love it! They couldn't guarantee that they would be placed together and well just like in heaven they are together here as well. I just love knowing that they their names are there for everyone to see.

Just makes me smile.

So whenever any of you go to Disneyland be on the look out for the bricks.

This is one is Sami's

This one is for Marie

Feeling a whole lot better

Well it's almost the weekend and I am quite excited. I am finally going to have a girls night with my friend's. My honey and Julian are going to have a fun Saturday too since they are going to go watch the PBR. I hope Julian stays put, lol. I am sure he will do just fine, he loves to watch bull riding.

I am still a little angry but I have decided that there is no point to that. It's a feeling I rarely have and I hate it so it's time to just get over it. It does no good to me. I figure if people want me in their lives then they will and if not oh well nothing I can do about it. I am sticking to my last post this time.

So now to real stuff that just makes me so darn proud of myself. I have taken 100 steps forward!!! I actually walked into a Babies R Us without wanting to burst into tears and I even helped one of my dearest friend's register for her baby girl!!! It was something that I needed to do for myself and boy am I glad I did because I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I am so glad that I did that. Then another giant step was I actually attended my first 1st birthday party for another friend's son. I remember us being pregnant together last summer. I attended her baby shower and was so jealous, how I love that feeling being gone. I am truly happy for both of my friend's as they both embrace being a mommy as it should be. Lately it seems like everyone is pregnant around me and in this blog world and it really makes me smile. It gives me hope that I didn't have before. I am scared for everyone because I know how quickly things can change but I am really hopeful that they will get to start a new chapter in their lives filled with diapers to change, bottles to feed and kisses to give. So to all mom's expecting their rainbows---CONGRATULATIONS once again.  I often wonder how I am going to react to being pregnant again. Am I going to be scared to enjoy it for the fear that it can end so quickly or will be a peace and actually be able to enjoy it? There is no way that I can go into it like before.  Again, I miss being naive at times. Who knows what is in store for our little family but for now I am just going to take it as it comes.

Lately I have noticed that I don't cry as often and although that makes me sad it also gives me some comfort. I know in my heart that Sami is in a better place and one day I will be with her again. Oh I read the book 6 Big, Big Angels by Mary Jo Pennington and wow is all I have to say. I recommend it to everyone. It was suggested to me by Belle at Beauty from ashes, THANK YOU so much.  It gives a glimpse as to what heaven is really like. So this week is ending on a much better note, I hope it continues that way.

Today I am feeling...

ANGRY!!!!!!

SAD!!!!

ANNOYED!!!

LET DOWN!!!

It never fails that when I really need someone my honey is out of town for work. This sucks, I hate it and I just want to scream. He is my best friend, the only one in my life that is stable and really understands me. My honey is the ONLY one that I can trust with everything and anything. Sometimes I tend to forget that. Days like this make me want to run to him and tell him thank you for being my best everything. I seriously need to make changes in my life. I always say that and never follow trough, now it's written so there is no going back. I will only disappoint myself if I do. I think it will only benefit me in the long run. I really hope there are better days ahead for me because I can't handle all of this at the moment. Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to tell everyone to F off? (Not to you fellow BLM's!!!) Well today is one of those days for me. UURRGGHH!!!!

August 19th A day of Hope

Today as many know is a day of giving and remembering. Carly has done such a wonderful job at making this day so special. August 19th is a special day for her because that is the first time she had a dream of her son Christian at the beach, his legacy began from there. She has touched many of our lives, and I am so thankful for her. This date is also inspired by a woman who reached out to Carly when her daughter Hope was born still on this day. They  share a bond like so many of us do.  A bond that without many words or actions we know is there. On this day I want to let all you know that not a day goes by that I do not think of you and your sweet angel's. It's a bittersweet day but a day to be embraced.

Sami, mommy is thinking of you!!!

I Worry

Can someone lend me their book on life? I need a manual that will assure me that I will make it through all of this. This past year has been so hard. I haven’t been married that long even though we have been together forever and married life can sometimes be a little complicated. Add a toddler in the mix, the death of a child and a house worth nothing thanks to our wonderful economy! That can test someone right? This month we have needed to do repairs to the house because our restrooms had never been upgraded since 1982, so it was time. Brakes and little minor stuff to our truck can also add up. Financially I was never worried, now I am. I know it will get better but I just HATE having that added stress to my list of things.

I had not posted in what seems like a long time but I just wasn’t motivated enough to finish a post. I started some but they never were finished, oh well. Nothing new, some days are good other’s not so much. I just want to run away, run from it all to a place where I can clear my head. I worry about everything and everyone even though I know they could less about me. It’s just what I do, worry! I worry that someone else close to me is going to die. Death is always in my head. I hate it, I wish it would just go away. This morning I had a scary dream that there was a deputy at my front door telling me that my husband was in a really bad car accident and he died. It was so real, I literally jumped out of bed and opened my front door, it was that real. My heart was pounding it scared the crap out of me. I had to call him to make sure he was ok, thank goodness he is. I miss being myself. I feel like this is someone else’s life not mine. This is not what I signed up for!

This weekend my honey is going away for the weekend with his friends and I am glad. I don’t mean that in a bad way, don’t get me wrong. We just all need a little break from life everyday. It can become such a routine and everything about it becomes a unwanted task. He tells me I need to do the same and I know he is right but I just cannot leave Julian for a weekend. I miss him like crazy being away from him while I am work as it is already. One weekend I will, I made a promise to myself that I have to keep. I hope he has fun and is really able to clear his mind. For the past few weeks we have not been as close as we normally are, I know we are both stressed over our home. It is just not worth anything yet we are paying like it is. Not sure what we will end up doing but hopefully soon we will decide. I always told myself that our home was not a permanent home because it is so far from my family but now that we might have to give it up I feel an attachment to it, go figure!  I hate this feeling so much. Economy please fix yourself soon, lol.

Enough of that on a sweet note, Julian continues to still my heart. I love him so much and he just fills me with so much joy. He is talking so much now, I love it. Last Thursday I was getting him ready for bed and he told me he wanted to go home. I was like we are home what are you talking about. He kept saying, “no mom, home”, he pointed up to the ceiling so I was playing along with him but then he said home with baby ouchie!!! Every time he talks about Sami he said baby ouchie. He always remembers her little head. I couldn’t believe it!!! I was just amazed, happy and sad at the same moment. Last night too he said something about that and that there is a door with baby ouchie, he even said "come on." My husband heard that and just looked over at me. He says it so innocently like he has been there with her or something. It gives me comfort to know he sees her there and she is safe in heaven. I want to cry just thinking about it. Heaven is real, like I said in my last post there is a part of me there. Everyday I thank God for watching my precious girl and for being such a strong presence in our lives. Julian always speaks of Him like he is part of our family. As a matter of fact this weekend my niece (10 yrs) was amazed that he kept saying that he wanted to go to Jesus house since we had passed by church on Friday. She was like what 2 yr old wants to go there! Saturday morning he remembered because he kept asking to go. We did end up going to mass that evening and he sat there and was so well behaved. He is adorable because he does the sign of the cross when he walks in and when it comes time to kneel he does and puts his little hands together. I wish I could have a photo of that, it is seriously adorable to see. I just think it would be weird to take a picture in the middle of a regular mass, lol. I hope he continues to grow with such strong faith in the Lord. It makes me proud that my son is so in touch with Him at such young age. When I feel at my weakest I just stop and look at Julian because he has defiantly assured me that He is real.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11