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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Some comments should be kept to yourself!

I need to vent today…
What gives people the right to make comments about a pregnant woman size or what she is wearing? I think it is really rude and so annoying, especially when the comments are from strangers. They make stupid remarks or just feel that they can touch your belly without asking. The other day at work some client (never met him before) came in and asked me when I was due once I told him he was like “oh wow your huge, I thought you were going to say you are ready to pop any day now?” Well no, that is NOT the case. I was already having a bad day so I told my belly is big because I am retaining a lot of fluid because my baby is sick. He did not know what to say except for “oh but it will be ok right?” No, it is not going to be ok!!! I know he felt awkward but at that point I did not care. I felt bad after but I really get tired of people making comments. It is already hard to answer when people ask when I am due and basic questions, call me hormonal or something but I get really tired of people’s stupid remarks. You have no idea how annoying it is for me.

“Oh that shirt makes you look bigger, you walk funny or you really look like you are having twins!!!” Well I may look a certain way but please keep the comments to yourself! I hope I have never made a pregnant woman feel this way at any point because it is really hurtful. I would like to think that I am pretty good at thinking before I speak. I really hate to make people feel bad. One more thing, a rude person will make a comment and think it is funny and the people that around feel that it is ok to laugh along and agree. Oh I get so mad!!! Just stop, please…. Yes, I know I am big, I wish I could control it but there is nothing I can do about it. I am normally a small framed person so yes I look weird but that is just what my body does if you do not like it then turn away, it is that simple!
I am not asking for a pitty party or anything I just want people to be aware of a pregnant woman’s feelings, especially for the people who know what my situation is. I am already extra sensitive to begin with. I feel so attacked at times and it really, really makes me feel bad about myself. I just want to be home hiding out so I can avoid stupid comments. It is hard for someone to get used to the extra weight gain in such a short time period and that is nothing, once the baby is born it is a whole new round of comments, “You are still carrying the extra pounds maybe you should try this or that!!!” I am so not looking forward to that either but I will worry about that later.

With Julian I was really, really swollen so I had to hear comments about that, now with Sami I am not swollen but my belly is extremely large, I can see that for myself, I can feel the difference but there is nothing I can do to make it any different, sorry people.. This is just the way it is like it or not! Only a couple of more weeks, I can do this…. Right now I am like the little engine that could….. I think I can, I think I can… 

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Thank you

When I first started this journey, I knew it was going to be difficult but I never imagined it being like this. Like I mentioned in my last post, physically it is challenging which makes it that much harder emotionally. Last night as I laid awake I thought about the pain and discomfort which is fine because it will not last forever but the ache in my heart will be FOREVER. To have to go through this and in the end up still not be able to hold my child in my arms forever is really a hard thing to accept. I was telling Larry that I feel like we are having to give up our daughter to a closed adoption and not by choice. The only comfort in that is that she will be safe and happy in the presence of the Lord. I do not have to worry about giving her to someone who might not do as good a job as I would like for my daughter, but who better than to keep her safe? God of course... Maybe I started to look at this way since I was watching Adoption Diaries and I seen the turmoil that the mother's were faced with as they said goodbye to their children. I know it is completely different because I do not have a choice, the choice has been made for me but I am trying to find a way to bring me some comfort in this.

I now have realized that the only people that really comprehend what I feel have been the many woman that have also been through this. However I have to hand it my husband who has to watch me go through this. I know for him it is very frustrating to not be able to do anything to make this aches go away. Yes, he can help me move around and help me with Julian but it is still hard. These past few days have been extremely challenging but at the same time I feel this connection with him like never before. I do not know if it because at this moment I feel like only he understands me because he is the only one who sees on a day to day basis what I am really going through. I do not have to say anything, he just knows what to say or what to do to make me feel better. Sometimes we do not even have to say one word, we just sit and he wipes the tears away and that alone makes me feel like it is going to be OK. He is the rock that I need. I have to admit that I was so scared because I felt like he was not going to be that support I needed because he really did not show his feelings. I kept thinking that when the day comes it is going to hit him then and at that point I would be the one having to be strong for the both of us. I guess it just took him a little bit longer to really come to terms with everything that is happening and that is totally understandable. We talk about it a lot more now and I have the comfort in knowing exactly how he feels. That is another reason why I feel this connection between us. Having to go through this, I can see how it can take a toll on a relationship. You have to really be strong and willing to make some sacrifices along the way. So to my honey, I know you will be reading this.... Thank you and I love you so much.

A little update... Baby Hope will have her surgery after all... Wednesday, Hooray!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Big scare!

So Tuesday I came home from work with really bad cramps, I figured I would get home and they would go away. Well that did not happen, they actually got worse! I was up all night trying to find a way to get comfortable but no luck. By early morning, I got up started packing my bag, Julian's and Sami's. I was really scared and did not want to have to do that but I had to be prepared. It was really scary and the pain was so bad. I went to the Dr and thank God it was not early labor just pain caused by the poly. By mid-afternoon the pain eased up a bit, the Dr. gave the OK to take some regular strength Tylenol and that seemed to help me a bit. I was at least able to lay down and finally take a nap. A much needed one too!!!

I go back next week and see how and where we go from there. I know I am able to have the fluid drained but I am so scared to have to do that because I am so not ready to have her just yet. The possibility of going into early labor freaks me out! Might now happen either but either way there is a risk. Maybe in a few days I will change my mind, who knows! I am praying that my body will somehow work with me and get me through another few weeks, at least. I know in my heart I will not have her in November but we will see what is in store for us. One good thing is that I will finally be off of work now so I can be home resting. Not sure how I am going to pull that one with Julian around but at least I do not have to wake up early and make the hour and half drive to and from work everyday! That is much of a relief!!! I have to go buy some craft supplies to keep Julian entertained at home.

So as I was packing my bag, I realized I still need to get some stuff. I have been putting that off but this weekend that will be the goal, just in case. I still have to wash all of Sami's things, get her baptism gown and little things here and there for her. As for me, I still get to get all my toiletries and comfy clothes ready, oh yeah cannot forget some slippers like I did with Julian. Well not that I forgot with him, but I just could not fit into slippers because I was so swollen. I have not gotten that bad with Sami yet. There is still time for that I am sure. This heat that we are having right now is not helping either, when is fall weather supposed to kick in??? I am so ready for a big weather change.
Well today, I am still cramping however it is not nearly as bad as yesterday, I will be OK. I will update later if there are any changes. I wish you just see how I walk... Makes me laugh!!!!

Completely off the subject, I need to ask EVERYONE to take some time and say a little prayer for Baby Hope. She also has Hypo plastic Left Heart Syndrome, she was born on 09/14/09 and is waiting to see if she will be able to have surgery to fix her heart. Her kidneys' are not doing so well so the surgery is pending. So please pray that she will continue to grow strong and be able to get past this hurdle. Her parents would really appreciate it. Thank you! You can see her mommy's blog and pictures of Hope from my blog on the left column.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Another thing to add to my worry list!!!

I had a doctor appointment on Friday and the doctor seemed concerned over the size of my belly. He measured it twice as usual and he wrote down that it might be polyhydramnios, too much amniotic fluid. I was aware that might happen because Sami's swallowing reflexes might not be normal but I never gave it much thought. He seemed concerned but at the same time not so much because he did not do an ultrasound right away. I will see him again in two weeks and on October 9th I have another appointment with the perinatologist. We will see what they say then. I of course decided to google it(why do I do that?)and of course now I am really worried about it. Well at least that explains why my belly is so BIG...
It is so uncomfortable, it constantly hurts me. I was no where near this umcomfortable when I was pregnant with Julian. I seriously dread the nights because laying down makes my body ache even more. Last night I laid on my right side crying because I could not for the life of me turn to my left side on my own. I did not want to wake up Larry because I every night I have to wake him several times during the night to help me out. I felt bad, he needs to get some rest too. I feel like my pelvis is broken, it is hard to describe just how painful and uncomfortable it is. I never realized how many muscles we use to just sit up or get out of bed. Once I am up it is not so bad but it is the initial movements that just kill me. I normally have a pretty good pain tolerance so this is just throwing me off. I am kind of scared to describe the extent of my pain to my doctor because I am afraid of him saying he would rather induce me early. I would much rather let Sami come when she is ready. I do not feel sick in any other way like my blood pressure being high or abnormal swelling so for now I can still keep going. I can do this only a few more weeks to go.

Some info on polyhydramnios:

What You Need to Know About Polyhydramnios
Polyhydramnios (too much amniotic fluid) occurs in about 2 out of 100 of pregnancies. Most cases are mild and result from a slow buildup of excess fluid in the second half of pregnancy. But in a few cases, fluid builds up as early as the 16th week of pregnancy. This usually leads to very early delivery.

Polyhydramnios is diagnosed with ultrasound. Medical experts do not fully understand what causes this condition. In 2 out 3 cases, the cause is not known. Here are two of the best-known causes:

Birth defects in the baby that affect the ability to swallow. Normally, when the fetus swallows, the level of amniotic fluid goes down a bit. This helps to balance out the increase in fluid caused by fetal urination.
Heart defects in the baby.

Women with mild polyhydramnios may have few symptoms. Women with more severe cases may have discomfort in the belly and breathing problems. That's because the buildup of fluids causes the uterus to crowd the lungs and the organs in the belly.

Preterm rupture of the membranes (breaks or tears in the sac that holds the amniotic fluid; also called PROM)
Umbilical cord accidents
Polyhydramnios may also raise the risk of pregnancy complications, including:
Preterm delivery
Placental abruption (the placenta peels away from the uterine wall before delivery)
Poor growth of the fetus
Cesarean delivery
Severe bleeding by the mother after delivery

Monday, September 14, 2009

Fear is really starting to get to me

There is really not much to tell these days besides fear is really starting to get to me. I have been scared but now, it is feeling that I cannot just set aside. I cannot get my mind away from it. I am mentally drained at this point and I all I want is get a good nights rest. These sleepless nights are not helping me one bit.

There are only a few weeks left and I am really not ready for it. Really, can anyone be ready for this? Perhaps it's just the fear of the unknown because I do not know what is going to happen. The thought of not being able to feel her just devastates me so much. Everyday that is what keeps me going, her little squirms and painful kicks! She is one strong little baby!

I know everyone is worried for me and I guess I did not really understand why. Now I am starting to understand why people are worried, I am worried about myself at this point. In matter of a few weeks my whole life is going to change. I am going to walk in the shoes of a mother who lost a child. I had never even thought of that before. Part of me wants to have some sort of hope because saying that I am going to loose a child just sounds wrong. It does not feel right to think like that, but perhaps that will be my reality. All I am going to have are a few moments with her. Gosh, that just breaks my heart. Will I ever be the same again? How am I going to be able to move on from this experience? I had so many plans with her in our lives and to have to go on without her is something that I know is not going to be possible. I think about having that last moment with her and I just start to practically hyperventilate. God, please give me that sense of peace that so many loss moms talk about!!! I want to be able to be strong where people do not have to worry about me. I want to know for myself that I will be OK.

It is really difficult to put into words what this journey has been like. So it is even harder trying to imagine what the future holds for me. I am not the first mother to loose a child and unfortunately I will not be the last, so I know somehow I will get through this but it is the initial feelings that scare me. Having that moment of finally being able to hold her in my arms and a few moments later having to give her to God forever!!! That is what I cannot fathom, that idea. I am really trying to get it through my head that Lauren Samantha will be with me forever but just not physically, she will always be my angel up in heaven and until the day we meet again I just to be patient. As the days pass, I have noticed that just about anything can bring to tears. I was emotional before but now it is pretty bad. I enjoy my long drive to work (never thought I would say that!) because it gives me a chance to cry and just let it out before I have to be at work and socialize with people. I have to prepare myself to be asked everyday by clients at work, when I am do and what I am having. It is getting old but I just have to go with it. Wow this was much longer than I expected, I guess there is more going on than I thought.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Our beautiful mass

The mass for Sami was yesterday, it was so beautiful!!! I was trying to hard to not burst out in tears throughout the whole mass because I really wanted to hear what Fr.Dennis had to say to us. I had my moments, trust me! I know that our family and friends are here to support us but to actually see them all together was just an amazing thing. To know that every single person (and were a lot) was there to show in some way their love to our family was truly amazing.
Fr. Dennis shared our story and explained to everyone the many challenges that we are faced with. He shared my feelings about the situation and how I want Sami's life to be seen as a blessing, I want people to smile as they think of her and not be saddened. Once he was done he asked everyone to come and give us hugs and express their feelings, I wasn't expecting that but I am so glad he did that. That was overwhelming and impossible to hold back the tears. I had family there that I didn't even know they knew what was going with us! I took a moment to look behind me and was completely taken back, I can't describe it in words. It was so beautiful to know that we are loved and cared for so much, Sami brought all of us together. She is such a reminder of what it means to love.

After mass we went to my brother's house to have lunch. It was a happy occasion and that is exactly what I hoped for. I won't lie and say that at some point I didn't feel sad, The only reason for that was because I reminded myself that in a few weeks it will be so different. Different because there is still that huge possibility that I will not get to bring my Lauren Samantha home. So many people love her and I want her to see and feel that for herself. I want to be able to share her with everyone. For the most part it was a wonderful day, our angel shower was beautiful and by far exceeded my expectations of it.

My niece Cassandra had mailed out a letter to everyone and asked them to bring a letter with them for us. That was a wonderful surprise to us, we had no idea about that. When we got home and read them... WOW is all I can say!!! It was such a thoughtful and touching gift. I had a hard time getting through some of the notes because I could not stop crying. I know it is hard for people to really express their feelings but writing them out comes easier. To know how they really feel was the best gift they could have ever given me. To know how much Sami is loved is more than I can ask for.

I really want to thank everyone again for the unconditional love and support that has been shared with us over the last few months and especially these last few weeks. To me saying thank you doesn't seem like enough but I have yet to find a bigger word.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Today is a good day!

Today is a good day!!! I woke up in a really good mood today, I think Julian had a lot to do with it, he woke up so happy that it just instantly made me smile. Thank goodness for my little man!!!

Today I have a 3D ultrasound so I get to see Sami, I am really excited about that. I hope she lets us see her little face. Tomorrow I have a doctor appointment too so I get to see her 2 days in a row and I love it. I am going to try to not let them get to me with bad news. I refuse!!! I cannot believe I am already 29 weeks, where has the time gone? I am starting to feel like I am on the downhill stretch of this pregnancy and although I want to make the time go by slowly I am also looking forward to not being pregnant. My body aches and I am really feeling tired and exhausted everyday. The extra pounds I have put on are finally catching up to me! I try to take it in day by day and thank the Lord above for this time with Sami.

I have been getting things ready for her mass this coming Monday and a BBQ to follow so that has kept my mind busy, it's been kind of nice. I made some candle favors to share and although it took some time to make them it felt good, kind of like therapy. It is weird to not be planning a baby shower at this time but I am okay with it now. I try to not really think about it. I go to the stores and see so many cute things for baby showers that I would like to buy but know I can't, that kind of makes me sad. It makes it easy for me to get emotional but these past few days I have been in really good spirits. I have been waiting for days like this and finally they are here!!! Let's see how long they last.

I think I am finally accepting and coming to terms that I have an angel in my belly. These past few months it has been so hard to fully comprehend that. In the last few days I have not felt sad on the otherhand I feel like I need to be celebrating her life. Now I feel like I want to share her. I want people to feel my belly and feel her kicks. I want to shout out to the world that I am carrying a beautiful angel in my belly and how blessed I really am. It is such a weird feeling to want to laugh, shout and cry at the same time. Being pregnant comes with so many emotions and well with this pregnancy boy have I had my share of different emotions! This is a crazy journey to be on, I do not wish this upon anyone but somehow, little by little I am finding the good in all of this. I have met some wonderful people along the way and made my relationships with others so much stronger. I know I have not said it in a while but for everyone who has been so supportive and understanding THANK YOU once again.

I will post new pictures of Sami soon, hopefully I will be able to share her beautiful face with everyone.