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Monday, April 26, 2010

6 months today

Did I mention I hate Monday's? Especially today because Sami would be exactly 6 months. I am supposed to be holding her today and giving her tons of kisses. Julian should be saying happy birthday and singing his "happy, happy, cha cha" song for her.
This really sucks, today is a very emotional day for me. I feel so sad and angry because this is not fair! I know, I know "everything happens for a reason" well today that just sounds like BS to me. What is the purpose of making me suffer so much, what did I so badly in this life to deserve this? My anger is not towards God or anyone is particular. Death is part of life but I just wish it wasn't part of mine.
I wonder what Sami would look like today, would she have some of my personality in her? Would her hair still be wavy like mine? I hate having so many questions that will always be unanswered. I forgot to post last week that I had a dream and she was in it. Marie was holding her by the hand, she was a toddler. I knew it was her but I couldn't see her features or anything. They were far away from me. Marie had a baby in her arms in a light blue wrap, she looked so peaceful (that I remember clearly). Marie said to me "I have your son Joseph here with me but he will be coming home to you soon". I woke up right after that, so of course that has been in my head for the past week now. I know I am not pregnant but is she trying to tell me something? I still feel like I am not ready and I honestly I don't think I ever will. It is something that just has to happen and then I know I will do just fine. I hope the natural mom in me will come back. I do think it is weird that it was a boy in my dreams because I was telling my honey a few months back that when we have another baby I just have a feeling that it will be boy. So now if it does happen and it is boy his name will have to definitely have Joseph in it (Franchesca, I am not trying to steal your name, lol). That would just be so weird and again just confirms that babies are heaven sent. Before I was pregnant with Julian, my honey's uncle passed away (a month before or so) and he told I was going to get pregnant soon with a boy and well he was right! That is why Julian's middle name is Salvador after him, I just had to include his name because he sure did tell me my son was soon to come into our lives, amazing that things like that happen. We will just have to wait and see that my future holds but today I am at a stand still because I cannot believe it has already been 6 months.

Sami, mommy misses you so much. Happy 6 month Birthday! I wish I could hold you and kiss you today. Julian was thinking a lot about you yesterday, he even fell asleep with your blanket. He was crying for baby, held your blanket and was fast asleep for his afternoon nap. How I wish you were here so you could feel his love first hand. I know that he will always hold a special place in his heart for you. I get sad that he only has your blanket to hold but it makes me happy to know how much he loves you so. Daddy and I love you so much too. Daddy was really sad that he wasn't able to make to the walk the other day. You helped me make a difference and raise so much money for the March of Dimes. You still continue to touch so many lives.

P.S baby girl, please continue to walk along side your Tia Marie, tell her we love and miss her too!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

March of Dimes walk

I just wanted to share my photos from the walk this morning. It was such an honor to be there walking amongst all those people. It was nice to see many survivors as well. The cutest little beings. I was really surprised about the whole dove release. They called me and asked to do that last week but I thought I was going to be doing it with others. I released one dove and another lady as well. Her husband just passed away a few weeks ago and he was a huge part of the March of Dimes organization. Sami's story was shared and it was very emotional. Looking out to the crowd and knowing I was there because of her it was so overwhelming to say the least. After that 21 other doves were released for all the other angel baby's. A few mom's who felt the same pain as me were also emotional. I understand, it was hard for me to hold it in too. I just wanted to reach out to them and tell them that I understand what they are going through.

It was a beautiful day and I was surrounded by my closest friend's and family, I couldn't have asked for anything more, wait yes I can .... for my honey to have been there to see for himself that Sami has touched many lives. I just wanted to share my photos with all of you, enjoy and have a great weekend.

Again THANK YOU to everyone for sponsoring our team "On Angel's Wings" together we raised $3060!!! Hooray!!! There are still some donations that have not been added to that total yet.


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

A nice little weekend

Finally we were able to get away for a few days. We spent a few days in Las Vegas which was really nice. My brother’s participated in the Baker to Vegas run that is for law enforcement officers. Talk about teamwork, 20 people to run 120 miles in the desert. It was hot during the day and cold at night, no matter what time they ran it was uncomfortable. It was nice to go and see them participate in such a big event. I know this year for my brother Carlos it was especially hard since Marie wasn’t there to cheer him on. He was able to get through and make the best of it. I am proud of them both. Hopefully next year my 2 other brother’s will participate as well. We attended 2 BBQ’s hosted by the homicide department and Carlos’s station as well. Very nice, very different, never seen those parts of Vegas. Julian did very well on the drive to there and back. He was throwing tic-tac’s at my head, laughing away on the way over there and sleeping on the way back. I could just imagine how he will be later on when he is 21! Excited to go there but tired on the way home.

This is a picture of my brother Carlos and his family before the run. It was pretty hot out (92) and he was running at 1pm. I don't have a picture to share of my other brother running. He ran when it was cold at 1am!

This is him finally done with his leg of the race, I believe he ran 6.8 miles. I really wish Marie was there to chear him on at this finish line. I know she was there is spirit.

Well the March of Dimes walk is going to be this Saturday. I am a little nervous only because I do not know how I will do emotionally. My honey might not be able to make it because he is out of town for work again. He is going to try but more likely he will not be able to get the day off, I will just cross my fingers and hope he does. On my way to Vegas I was called by some lady named Rita. She is the main person in charge for the Inland Empire chapter of the walk. She called to congratulate me on our teams fundraising, so far $2,395 I am beyond excited about that. She asked me why we were walking and I told her about Sami. She was very nice and she told me she would be honored to personally meet me that morning and asked me to meet her at a designated VIP tent. She said they would mention Sami’s name before the walk and give me a dove to release in her honor. I really hope that I am able to that without breaking down. I am happy that a few people have signed up to walk with me, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little hurt about certain people not signing up. I didn’t get team shirts made because I really didn’t know who and how many were going to sign up so I didn’t want to just spend money that I don’t have. My best friend’s and her fiance came up with a team logo and I love it. I got a shirt made for myself, my honey and Julian. We are going to get some stickers made for the people that are walking with us to put on the day of the walk. I can’t wait to take a group photo to share with all of you. Again, I want to thank everyone who has donated money to our team “On Angel’s Wings”.
Our beautiful team logo, thank you to Jomie and Ricky. You guys are awesome for being so creative. Of course the pink halo with the daisy's came from Sami's little flower that she had one and that I now have on her bear. So pretty, I love this!.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

To Anonymous...

Everyone is able to voice their thoughts and opinions. I gave it much thought to have my comments reviewed before they actually appear but I decided not too, now I am a little conflicted about that. On my last post from earlier today I wrote how people just do not comprehend what it is like to have to say goodbye to your child forever.

Someone left this comment:

Anonymous wrote: "People realize that you have gone through something heartbreaking but how can you start the healing process if you keep reflecting on the past".

My response to that: Anonymous, for starters you are coward since you did not want to leave your name. YOU are the reason why I wrote that post, stupid people like you who say stupid ass comments like this! You helped me prove my point. The "past" that you are talking about is MY DAUGHTER that lived my womb. The daughter that kicked and squirmed in my belly for 38 weeks. The daughter that was breathing the same air as me for 1 hour and 40 minutes. The daughter that was taken from arms only to be taken to some mortuary while I cried my ass off like never before. So NO I cannot stop reflecting on "the past". I am so angry right now I could scream!!!!!

I will NEVER be able move on from this, how could you be so insentive? I am sure I my life will take on many different roads but that does NOT mean that I will not feel the this void in my heart forever. She can never be replaced or just thought of as "something" that could just be forgotten.

You obviously have not been through this so maybe you should think before you speak (or write)!!! If you thought in some way that your words were good words of advice, go back and read it over again. An intellegent person knows that people are made of their past, because of her I am who I am today. A woman who does not take life for granted, a stronger person in faith, a person who knows how to be compassionate, loving and considerate of other's feeling unlike you. As angry as I am, I still would not wish this upon you or anyone else for that matter.

This is real

Why are people so afraid to talk about infant death? It’s real and unfortunately it has happened too many of us. For us it is a reality that we are forced into and we cannot control it. It is ugly, it is painful and it hurts like hell. It is something most people block out of their minds and I get it. I was once one of those people that thought it cannot happen to me. Death was never a looming thought in my head, at least not about my own child. How I miss those days where I did not have to think of death. Now death is a like black cloud over me.

So people, it is real, it does happen and it is reality. It is a way of life that I will never get used to. The only thing I have to get used to now is people making stupid comments without thinking about how much they hurt. I have to get used the fact that my daughter will be forgotten to many people that I once cared about. Her name will not be spoken of, her birthday will not be remembered and I will continue to just be a mom to Julian, not a mom to two children in their eyes. For me on the other hand I will cherish the memories of holding her in my womb for 38 weeks and do whatever it takes to makes sure that she knows she will never be forgotten. The pictures I have that make many uncomfortable will continue to brighten my day. For those people, sorry it makes you uncomfortable to see my precious baby but there is nothing you can do about it. Turn around and continue to be naïve that things like this do not happen. I hope and pray that no one else has to say goodbye to their child but I am not God and I cannot control that. I really wish I could because this life is not easy.

Sami, mommy and daddy miss you so much. As the days goes by it seems like it gets harder to be without you. We are going to walk next weekend for you and so far we have had many people make donations in your honor. We have raised $2,075 as of today and we will continue to raise more in the days to come. I hope you will be smiling down on us that day. We love you baby girl!

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Easter Sunday

Our family photo on Easter. I wish I had her to actually hold instead of having to hold the bear that carries her ashes. One day baby girl we will meet again, I really believe that.

Julian being a good big brother and holding Sami. He is so gentle with this bear, he really knows just how special that bear is. Yes, he is wearning green golashes, he refuses to wear any other shoes! It's been a phase I can't get him out of, one day he will look back and hopefully laugh. I love my son!

A little late on this Easter holiday post. I said I was never going to take Sami’s urn anywhere but we just felt the need to bring her along with us. This Easter was much harder than Christmas for me and for my husband. I suppose because last year she was growing in my belly already and I was sharing my pregnancy news with my family, how nice last year was! This year Marie was also missing and that just made it that much harder on me and my entire family. Our family is broken, things will never be the same no matter how much we try. I hate it when people say to give it time like if time is going to make our wounds heal. Yes, we will learn to cope better and move forward but time will never make “it” heal. Usually people that say that are people who have never had a loss like ours. Anyhow, we took Sami along with us for Easter. It was nice, everyone was happy to see her there. If it was weird for them they never showed it, which I am thankful for. She is in the background of many pictures and that makes me smile. Not in the way I ever imagined but she is there alright.

Last year I was imagining buying the cutest outfit and making the cutest basket for my child and this year I was holding a bear that carries my daughter’s ashes.
My husband had an emotional day as well. I am glad that he is not afraid to show his emotions in front of me. A few times he had to take a walk to the front yard because he didn’t want to cry in front of my entire family, I don’t blame him. Later on at home we cried together. We had not done that in a while, it was nice. He had been gone for work for the last two weeks and I missed having him there to listen to me. He such a beautiful person and I am so thankful for him. We speak of Sami everyday but this was different. I am glad to know that he misses her as much as I do and he also feels the same way in regards to how much things have changed. It is really nice to have those conversations just to see where we both are emotionally. We both agree that it is getting harder to be without her, it is really real that she will never come to us in this life. People are definitely back to their normal lives and here we are trying to figure that part out for ourselves. We should be getting excited because she would be starting to sit up and now there is no excitement just sadness in our hearts.

I asked my sister to bring me the rest of Sami’s blankets that she used at the hospital. She had taken them with to wash them and I wasn’t in a rush to get them back. I opened the bag and there they were along with her pink beanie. The last time I held them they were gently wrapped around her. Now they were nicely folded and showed no signs that they once warmed her little body. I looked for any signs of blood and there wasn’t any. I didn’t want to see the blood necessary but in a way I did because that would have been proof that she was there. I know it’s weird but I can’t help it. How I wish I would have other ways to remember her by. I wish I had more time with her, I wish I had more pictures but more than anything I wish she was here being spoiled by her daddy. She would have been such a daddy’s girl. I feel so bad when I see a dad hold his baby girl and my honey just looks at them with such sad eyes. I sometimes feel like I carry most of the heart ache but no my honey does too. Sami took a part of us with her. We miss her so much everyday.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Beautiful Blogger Award X2

I have been nominated by Malory and Jennifer for the Beautiful Blog Award! Thank you so much for the award, I am honored! Malory gave me this honor a few weeks ago but I just hadn't posted on it, a little late, sorry!

Here are the rules for the award:

~Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.

~Copy the award and paste it to your blog.

~Tell us 7 interesting facts about yourself.

~Nominate 7 bloggers that you love and link to their blog.

OK so 7 things about me...

1. I am the baby of 10! I have 8 brothers and 1 sister. My parents have 23 grandchildren, 1 grandchild in heaven and 3 great grandchildren. Family get together's are crazy and loud but of course always an adventure. I wouldn't change it for the world.

2. I totally have OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder). All labels have to be facing one way at my house and at work, especially the refrigerator. I have a thing with even #'s. The volume in the car when I get out has be on station #6 volume 4! When I go to sleep the volume also has be on 4 and channel 11 (that is an odd # but in my head 1+1=2 therefore it's an even #), my husband is a good sport and just goes along with me. There are more but I will stop there. It is really annoying but for me it's just a way of life.

3. Spanish was my first language, I speak Spanish fluently (although throughout the years I struggle more with Spanish since I generally only speak English).

4. I really enjoy camping and riding my banshee (quad). I haven't been out much lately but I do plan on setting up some trips soon and actually go riding. Although, I have to admit with my husband doing all kids of modifications to it, it kind of scares me because it is crazy fast now.

5. I really enjoy party planning. With such a big family I get to do that quite often. I did a pretty good job at planning my wedding on my own and there was over 350 guests.

6. My favorite color is green and that just happens to be my birth stone (emerald).

7. I definately do not match the car I drive... I am really short and I look really funny getting out of our huge dually Dodge truck or our lifted jeep wrangler! People always think it looks weird.

Now it is my turn to nominate 7 other great bloggers, and the award goes to.....

1. Michelle at Loving Audrey

2. Katy at In Hanna's Honor

3. Paula at Hope's blog

4. Nicolle at One who flys above and one who flutters within

5.Celia at Beauty from pain

6.Brandy at A mother's love

7. Ashley at Nolan's story