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Friday, January 28, 2011


Why can't I have normal dreams? My dreams are pretty wacky especially being pregnant but last night my dream was horrible. Why can't death escape me in my sleep? I had this horrible dream that we had a precious baby boy with the lightest skin color. The doctors told me he wasn't able to eat or breathe well so he was going to die. They didn't want to do anything to help my husband and I, we were desperate to save this little being. Julian was with us crying for the baby and here I was trying to save my other from pain. I felt so torn and desperate. The appeared to no longer be breathing and my husband held him and was crying so loud but then the baby awoke and looked at us with this look that I can't describe. I know this little being was going to another place by that look but it just left me broken. I felt the pain like I did when I had just learned of Sami's passing but this time I wasn't at peace with it. I felt so horrible that no one wanted to help him or us. We were so alone and scared. I don't think I have been OK with waking up so early but I was glad that I woke up and seeing Julian sleeping peacefully and my husband getting ready for work. I was just a really bad dream, a dream I never want to have again.
This has me thinking about the desperation we feel as parents when we can't save our children. I know that what happened to Sami was beyond my control but I can't help feeling guilty at times that perhaps it was my body that failed her and Faith. My body should have been able to split them and made both whole but it didn't. I hate that there was nothing I could have done.
I think I had this horrible dream because I was watching TV and watched part of a show (don't remember the channel) but it was about a boy in India that was born with extra limbs. His mother said that when he was first born she didn't want to hold him because she was afraid. Just found something online about him, see here. They were getting a lot of attention from people that made them really uncomfortable so they asked for help.  Thankfully the boy was able to have the limbs removed and he is doing well now. The thing that got to me the most was the fact that they kept saying "parasitic twin"----A parasitic twin occurs when a twin embryo begins to develop in the mother but, ultimately, does not separate. This results in a semi-formed twin adjoined to the body of the developed twin. I know what they mean by it but it still bothers me because that was me, I had parasitic twins but never seen them that way. In my mind it seems like they are saying parasite or something and it gets me mad. Faith was no parasite in my eyes and even if they would have looked different my love wouldn't be any different.
Sorry about this rambling post of mine.
I hope I have a nicer dream tonight so that I don't have to relieve that pain and desperation again. Have a great weekend everyone.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Has it really been...

Has it really been 1 year, 2 months, 4 weeks since Sami was in my arms? I hate that time continues and days like today I am stuck. I am stuck with what should have been. I don't like to go there, I like to just see each day as a day closer to being reunited with her.

I miss her with every inch of my soul.  I know she is safe, I know that she is taken care of better than I ever could have but I hate that I didn't get a chance to find that out for myself. I hate that I didn't have the chance to be up at night with a crying baby. In a matter of weeks God will bless me again with an opportunity however Emma isn't Sami. I hate that I feel guilty that Sami never had the chance to know me as a her mom. I feel guilty that Emma will be looked at by many as a replacement and she isn't.
Last night while putting on Julian's pj's he was playing and trying to get away from me, while he accidentally gave me a good kick in the belly. I froze, I just froze I couldn't help but think that Emma could be taken from me (thankfully she was kicking away after). I stood there Julian knew what he did and he said "sorry mommy, sorry Sami" but in a second he corrected himself and said "sorry Emma" he kept kissing my belly and he kept talking to her. I knew he felt really bad because he even went to tell my husband what he did. I hate that my 3 year is also scared.  He is way to small to know about death. I am just heart broken right. This void in my heart is just so overwhelming at times.

Sami, sweetheart I miss you, I love you and I wish that you were here with me. Please continue to visit Julian, I just love how he feels you so close all the time. It brings peace to my heart. Do you hear him every time he says that you live in heart? It pains me to hear him say that but it's true, you will continue live in our hearts always.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

New year, new look

I am still hopeful that this year is going to be bring great things even though there are some stresses in my life that I could be without right now but I am not going to dwell on them at the moment. It is what is!
So how do you look my new blog look? Thank you to Franchesca at Small Bird Studio for once again working so hard to create this beautiful design. She just keeps on amazing me.

So do you guys resolutions that you are sticking with or already gave up on? I did not make any resolutions this year but I am determined to be a better person. It seems like the past 2 years I have not been myself for obvious reasons. I kind miss me, the old me will never be but I would like to find myself again. I am tired of just living day to day. I want to be hopeful for the future like I once used to be. I guess I am off to a great start because I have allowed myself to enjoy this pregnancy and embrace every second of it without always having to worry if she is going to be ok or not. Step one was buying the crib and little by little I get things here and there. So many people have already gotten her things, she is so spoiled this girl! I am trying to work on my feelings of guilt since I wasn't able to do these things when I was pregnant with Sami. It is still hard but I tell myself this is how God planned my life and I will just run with it. He knows how it will all end and until then I will just continue embracing this life of mine. Sami is never far from my thoughts and my heart. Not one second goes by that I do not think of her. Being a mom to a child here on earth and in heaven is hard work.

Friday, January 14, 2011

The Wishing Tree

So excited that Sami's name was added to the The Wishing Tree.   I think this is such a great idea and it so simple too. I tell you some people are just so creative! I love seeing Sami's name everywhere, it just warms my heart to the core. If you would like to have your baby's name added stop by the site and make a request. She is so quick to respond.
Wishing everyone a good weekend!

Thursday, January 06, 2011

A gift of a lifetime

I have not given a proper mention to Laura Huene from String of Pearls as I should have. So I want to start off by saying thank you to her because she has been such a beautiful person to me on this crazy journey that I have been on. I seriously admire her so much and I want to be able to reach out and help others as she has done in the past and continues to do so now. Laura, if you are reading this I just want you to know how much I appreciate your support and your kind words. You are truly a remarkable woman!!!

She sent me a beautiful package (can't find the pictures of it) while I was pregnant with Sami filled with goodies that I cherish so much such as this ornament that is my favorite.

Last year for Christmas she sent me gift card so that I could a doll for Sami. Not sure why it took me so long to do it but I finally did this year and I love it.

With all that she has done for me she also allowed me and family to be part of a special project she was part of through Focus on the Family. They are providing brochures that will be distributed throughout hospitals everywhere. We were chosen to share our pictures along with other families that have lost their precious baby's. Laura of course was included, I just love her pictures. You can view the brochure here, I have to find a way to get my doctor's to have these on hand. They are so beautifully made.

I always sit here and think that I need to be doing something and of course I can't think of any one thing because there are many ways to help a bereaved parent but something like this just makes me want to really get something going. I admire so many BLM that help and do things to our precious babes that I am inspired to do something in honor of Sami. Hopefully by her next birthday I will have something going. I tell you 2011 is going to be a better year for me and my husband. I wish that for all of you too!

Monday, January 03, 2011

Hello 2011

I was so excited for 2010 to be over. 2011 will be better than the last two years of my life. We have a new little one growing and growing in my belly, I love it. She is moving so much more now, I can't seem to get enough of it. Yesterday with no intentions of buying furniture we ended up buying Emma's crib. I was scared to make such a purchase because there is always that "what if" in the back of my mind but I can't continue to be that way. Finally 22 weeks and I can say with confidence "she IS going to come home." I am excited about this new confidence I have. I felt so guilty feeling like I wasn't able to share my happiness with this pregnancy because the fear I have deep down inside. 2011 is going to be a new chapter in my life.

Us with Sami in my heart and Emma in my belly

Sometimes I feel so sad that I didn't get the chance to buy things for Sami while I was pregnant with her but I try not to think of that as much.  I know that Emma will never replace her, people can think that I am healed but I am far from it. I still cry and often, I miss her so much. I am sad that I never had the chance to really be her mommy and show her how much love I had to offer. There will always be a void in my heart.

Sami, mommy loves you. Do you still hear Julian talking about you all the time? He misses you too sweetheart. Please continue to help your baby sister grow and grow. I can't wait to tell her all about you.

Me at 22 weeks