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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Photos to share

FINALLY the bricks are in!!! I am so excited.
Sami and Marie are forever a part of Disneyland!
Marie loved to take the girls there all the time and I was there in labor with Sami. Crazy I know but I was in denial that I was in labor! So I can say that was the last place where I held her. The happiest place on earth, what a beautiful memory to have huh? I love the fact that these bricks are right at the entrance of Disneyland too, not anywhere else. I didn't have a choice as to where they are placed so I guess it was just meant to be and I love it! They couldn't guarantee that they would be placed together and well just like in heaven they are together here as well. I just love knowing that they their names are there for everyone to see.

Just makes me smile.

So whenever any of you go to Disneyland be on the look out for the bricks.

This is one is Sami's

This one is for Marie

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Feeling a whole lot better

Well it's almost the weekend and I am quite excited. I am finally going to have a girls night with my friend's. My honey and Julian are going to have a fun Saturday too since they are going to go watch the PBR. I hope Julian stays put, lol. I am sure he will do just fine, he loves to watch bull riding.

I am still a little angry but I have decided that there is no point to that. It's a feeling I rarely have and I hate it so it's time to just get over it. It does no good to me. I figure if people want me in their lives then they will and if not oh well nothing I can do about it. I am sticking to my last post this time.

So now to real stuff that just makes me so darn proud of myself. I have taken 100 steps forward!!! I actually walked into a Babies R Us without wanting to burst into tears and I even helped one of my dearest friend's register for her baby girl!!! It was something that I needed to do for myself and boy am I glad I did because I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I am so glad that I did that. Then another giant step was I actually attended my first 1st birthday party for another friend's son. I remember us being pregnant together last summer. I attended her baby shower and was so jealous, how I love that feeling being gone. I am truly happy for both of my friend's as they both embrace being a mommy as it should be. Lately it seems like everyone is pregnant around me and in this blog world and it really makes me smile. It gives me hope that I didn't have before. I am scared for everyone because I know how quickly things can change but I am really hopeful that they will get to start a new chapter in their lives filled with diapers to change, bottles to feed and kisses to give. So to all mom's expecting their rainbows---CONGRATULATIONS once again.  I often wonder how I am going to react to being pregnant again. Am I going to be scared to enjoy it for the fear that it can end so quickly or will be a peace and actually be able to enjoy it? There is no way that I can go into it like before.  Again, I miss being naive at times. Who knows what is in store for our little family but for now I am just going to take it as it comes.

Lately I have noticed that I don't cry as often and although that makes me sad it also gives me some comfort. I know in my heart that Sami is in a better place and one day I will be with her again. Oh I read the book 6 Big, Big Angels by Mary Jo Pennington and wow is all I have to say. I recommend it to everyone. It was suggested to me by Belle at Beauty from ashes, THANK YOU so much.  It gives a glimpse as to what heaven is really like. So this week is ending on a much better note, I hope it continues that way.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Today I am feeling...


It never fails that when I really need someone my honey is out of town for work. This sucks, I hate it and I just want to scream. He is my best friend, the only one in my life that is stable and really understands me. My honey is the ONLY one that I can trust with everything and anything. Sometimes I tend to forget that. Days like this make me want to run to him and tell him thank you for being my best everything. I seriously need to make changes in my life. I always say that and never follow trough, now it's written so there is no going back. I will only disappoint myself if I do. I think it will only benefit me in the long run. I really hope there are better days ahead for me because I can't handle all of this at the moment. Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to tell everyone to F off? (Not to you fellow BLM's!!!) Well today is one of those days for me. UURRGGHH!!!!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

August 19th A day of Hope

Today as many know is a day of giving and remembering. Carly has done such a wonderful job at making this day so special. August 19th is a special day for her because that is the first time she had a dream of her son Christian at the beach, his legacy began from there. She has touched many of our lives, and I am so thankful for her. This date is also inspired by a woman who reached out to Carly when her daughter Hope was born still on this day. They  share a bond like so many of us do.  A bond that without many words or actions we know is there. On this day I want to let all you know that not a day goes by that I do not think of you and your sweet angel's. It's a bittersweet day but a day to be embraced.
Sami, mommy is thinking of you!!!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I Worry

Can someone lend me their book on life? I need a manual that will assure me that I will make it through all of this. This past year has been so hard. I haven’t been married that long even though we have been together forever and married life can sometimes be a little complicated. Add a toddler in the mix, the death of a child and a house worth nothing thanks to our wonderful economy! That can test someone right? This month we have needed to do repairs to the house because our restrooms had never been upgraded since 1982, so it was time. Brakes and little minor stuff to our truck can also add up. Financially I was never worried, now I am. I know it will get better but I just HATE having that added stress to my list of things.

I had not posted in what seems like a long time but I just wasn’t motivated enough to finish a post. I started some but they never were finished, oh well. Nothing new, some days are good other’s not so much. I just want to run away, run from it all to a place where I can clear my head. I worry about everything and everyone even though I know they could less about me. It’s just what I do, worry! I worry that someone else close to me is going to die. Death is always in my head. I hate it, I wish it would just go away. This morning I had a scary dream that there was a deputy at my front door telling me that my husband was in a really bad car accident and he died. It was so real, I literally jumped out of bed and opened my front door, it was that real. My heart was pounding it scared the crap out of me. I had to call him to make sure he was ok, thank goodness he is. I miss being myself. I feel like this is someone else’s life not mine. This is not what I signed up for!

This weekend my honey is going away for the weekend with his friends and I am glad. I don’t mean that in a bad way, don’t get me wrong. We just all need a little break from life everyday. It can become such a routine and everything about it becomes a unwanted task. He tells me I need to do the same and I know he is right but I just cannot leave Julian for a weekend. I miss him like crazy being away from him while I am work as it is already. One weekend I will, I made a promise to myself that I have to keep. I hope he has fun and is really able to clear his mind. For the past few weeks we have not been as close as we normally are, I know we are both stressed over our home. It is just not worth anything yet we are paying like it is. Not sure what we will end up doing but hopefully soon we will decide. I always told myself that our home was not a permanent home because it is so far from my family but now that we might have to give it up I feel an attachment to it, go figure!  I hate this feeling so much. Economy please fix yourself soon, lol.

Enough of that on a sweet note, Julian continues to still my heart. I love him so much and he just fills me with so much joy. He is talking so much now, I love it. Last Thursday I was getting him ready for bed and he told me he wanted to go home. I was like we are home what are you talking about. He kept saying, “no mom, home”, he pointed up to the ceiling so I was playing along with him but then he said home with baby ouchie!!! Every time he talks about Sami he said baby ouchie. He always remembers her little head. I couldn’t believe it!!! I was just amazed, happy and sad at the same moment. Last night too he said something about that and that there is a door with baby ouchie, he even said "come on." My husband heard that and just looked over at me. He says it so innocently like he has been there with her or something. It gives me comfort to know he sees her there and she is safe in heaven. I want to cry just thinking about it. Heaven is real, like I said in my last post there is a part of me there. Everyday I thank God for watching my precious girl and for being such a strong presence in our lives. Julian always speaks of Him like he is part of our family. As a matter of fact this weekend my niece (10 yrs) was amazed that he kept saying that he wanted to go to Jesus house since we had passed by church on Friday. She was like what 2 yr old wants to go there! Saturday morning he remembered because he kept asking to go. We did end up going to mass that evening and he sat there and was so well behaved. He is adorable because he does the sign of the cross when he walks in and when it comes time to kneel he does and puts his little hands together. I wish I could have a photo of that, it is seriously adorable to see. I just think it would be weird to take a picture in the middle of a regular mass, lol. I hope he continues to grow with such strong faith in the Lord. It makes me proud that my son is so in touch with Him at such young age. When I feel at my weakest I just stop and look at Julian because he has defiantly assured me that He is real.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11