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Saturday, February 19, 2011

Missing Marie

It seems like it was just yesterday that I heard her voice but it really hasn't. A whole year has gone by without her. Writing this the tears are flowing because this wasn't supposed to happen. Last year I was asking for prayers and a miracle but God had other plans. Marie was not meant to finish her life here with us. We are having her a mass and a lunch to celebrate her beautiful life but it is not the way we ever anticipated her celebration. Not a single moment goes by that I don't think of her. The only comfort I have is knowing that she is taking care of Sami for me. I know Sami isn't alone and I love knowing that. That was just Marie, taking care of everyone first.
I replay the 19th and 20th of February in my head all the time even though I wish I didn't. Sometimes I wish I could block it out so I wouldn't hurt so much. This past year watching my brother and his kids learn to live a new life without her has been hard. He is doing such a great job but what choice does he have really? It is like me being a loss mom, I don't have a choice I just roll with it. I see him and he just looks so empty all the time. That was his best friend for so many years, they truly loved each other. Their story was just so perfect, high school sweethearts. I wish I had an answer for why she had to leave so soon. So many of us are just taken back by her loss. My family is different because she is missing. Sami was the first to leave us and that rocked us to the core and a short 4 months later Marie. It was just so sudden, none of us were prepared for that fateful day.
I miss her so badly, I miss her voice and I hate the fact that she is not going to be here to share in Emma's life.
Recently I was going through some papers and I found a card she gave me while I was pregnant with Sami. Here is what is said....

Amazing right? She is my guardian angel, she said it herself.

My niece started a blog (my mom, my superhero) a few months back, she doesn't write often but I like knowing that she is somehow expressing her feelings about the passing of her mom. If you get a chance stop on by and let her know that you are praying for her. She has been through so much this year. I don't think the days without Marie get any easier.

I miss her but I love knowing that Sami is with her. Sami is in the best care possible. My guardian angel is watching her for me until we all meet again. I can't wait for that reunion. As look back and remember Marie I realize how great she was, she did so many unselfish things for everyone. She was an angel even here on earth.
Marie, I love you and miss you so much. When I dream of you, you always look so happy and radiant. Thank you for letting me know that you are well and you haven't forgotten me. It fills my heart with peace.

Marie playing with Julian

Looking beautiful as ever here.

Friday, February 18, 2011


I wanted to get an early start on this post. The wonderful Franchesca from Small Bird Studios has come up with a great idea for the 19th of every month. The point of this is HOPE!!! To encourage one and other in some way. It gives us all a chance to share our stories of encouragement. She is calling it Small Miracles. I think the title speaks for itself. Once we loose someone we put our faith in hopes of finding peace or something that will bring us comfort. I know so many of these woman (especially Fran) have brought my heart hope for a better tomorrow.

Hope means to wish for something with expectation of it's fulfillment. I really do hope her dream is fulfilled and we continue this and grow from the grief that lies within our hearts. I know I have grown in the past 16 months so much. I thought it wasn't possible to feel this way. Today I can smile without feeling guilty. I know no matter how much times passes that Sami will always be near me. I gave up on looking for signs from her but when I really need it she sends them my way. It could be from a comment from Julian or a butterfly crossing my path. I know in my heart she is there. Sometimes a simple breeze can make me feel like she is near. It is moments like that that give me hope. It is all I have to get me through sometimes. Looking back to where I was to now gives me confidence that my life is continuing in a positive way. I am living my life and embracing it no matter what challenges have be brought to me.

Holding Sami and telling her that I love her
 This day I felt like I couldn't breathe. A piece of me was taken with her as she took her last breath. I was so happy to be holding her but so heart broken knowing that would be the last time.

27 weeks with Emma
Here I am now with my husband with a broken heart but with hope for a better tomorrow. Embracing the gift that God has blessed us with once again.

For some of you who are early on your journey of grief and you feel like you can't catch your breath trust in yourself and know that you will be able to some day. You will find yourself wondering how you made it this far without falling apart literally.  I hope many of you join in on this, it doesn't have to be this month or the next just whenever you feel ready.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day

I want to wish you each one of you a Happy Valentine's Day.
May it bring you more love than ever. I know for many this is just another day but I hope at some point in the day so are filled with warmth in your heart. For all of you on this loss journey days like today are not easy. Thinking of you all of your and your sweet babies.
Today I am home with Julian, he woke up with the stomach flu so not so much of a fun day for me. he is taking a nap at the moment so I got a little break. This past weekend we took Julian and Sami to take pictures. Julian did not like it at first but then he got into it, thank goodness because we got some really cute pictures. I was not going to take Sami with us but I just couldn't leave her home. My valentine's gift wouldn't be complete without her there with Julian. The girl taking the pictures must of thought I was a little off by wanting Julian to take pictures with a pink bear but she just put two and two together and her demeanor changed. She was so kind and gentle that it made me want to cry. I miss her and I wish she was here. I have been so emotional lately. Not sure if it's the pregnancy hormones or what. 

I will leave you with some pictures of my love's.  


He loves her so much
My handsome Julian

My favorite!

Friday, February 04, 2011


I have been asked to be a part of this special celebration of love by Mattie.  You can click here Beauty will Rise or you can also click on the button to the left of my blog. She doing giveaways this month so stop on over to her blog.Thank you Mattie for thinking of me!

What is love? Wow, that is a hard question to answer because love is such a complex emotion. Love is blissful, naive, exciting and it is painful in a sense along with many other things. I would like to think that we all have felt that spark of love that shoots down to the very core of us because of someone’s touch. Sometimes love can make us naive because we are afraid of letting go. Love is exciting because it is comes in all kinds of ways. Pain because we love so much that is hard to be apart from a person, like a child crying for their parent or a parent crying for their child.

In my lifetime I have been so blessed to be surrounded by love. I love to love and I love to receive it. I am spoiled because I have so much of it in my life. I come from a HUGE family (I am the baby of 10) and I know that both of my parents, my brother’s and sister love me in their own unique way. No love is the same and I completely understand that emotion. Love can go unspoken for a length of time but we still know that at the end of the day it is still there, how amazing is that? It is not always fun like when we do something that would not be beneficial to us and we get that stern talking to from a worried parent but it is OK because we learn from it. Love makes is grow into different people. If it was not for the love that my family has shown me I do not think I would be able to love as freely as I do.

As a wife and mother have come to know and see love in a completely different way, again making it so exciting for me. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, he is my best friend. I love him so much and I cannot imagine my life without him. Through the years the love we have for each other has gotten so much stronger and it is much more intense. I would say that our children had a little something to do with that. Watching him learn how to parent has been amazing, he so good at it. Of course there are times when I have to roll my eyes about something but I know he does the same about me. We have been faced with the challenge of being parents to a child in heaven and it does not seem fair in our young lives but through it all our love prevails and we keep moving forward one day at a time hand in hand. If it was not for his love and support I would be so lost. Now the moment Julian entered my life I really understood what they meant about true love. It was instant even before I held him in my arms. That tiny little being just rocked my world. Now that he is getting a little bit older his "mommy, I love you's" just make me feel like I am floating on cloud nine. Sami took my love one step further even though I thought that was not possible. I wish things were different but for some reason she was only meant to be here briefly in our lives.  I know my precious Sami whispers her "love you's" to me too and that just warms my heart. Soon enough little Emma will be here and show me once again that my love can stretch way more.

I hope every single person has the type of love that goes on and on. It is the best feeling in the world.