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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Hello blog world

I feel like I have not blogged in forever. I start to but something comes up and I never finish! So the other day I had to go to emergency because I had been having a really bad pain in my stomach for 3 days. Thank goodness it was nothing serious it was just an ulcer, gastritis and a bladder infection. They gave me meds and I will survive. I felt like a big baby but really the pain was pretty bad. Anyhow, I was back at the hospital. Another side of it that I had never seen, I sat there waiting to be called just people watching like I always do. There are some weird people at hospitals, lol! Anyhow,  I was filling out forms and of course one of the questions was “number of live births”… Why does it have to say “live”? What about the mother’s who give birth to a still baby? Do those births not count? That is a question’s that needs to be revised on all the hospital forms. I hate that so much. They carried a child for goodness sake, why don’t they count? It’s not fair…. See things like this make me mad and that is why I got this stupid ulcer, lol!

They finally called my name and it was time for an ultra sound, uugghh did I really have to do this? I had to really talk myself into not crying. I feel like I was going through post traumatic syndrome or something. I was all hot and breathing pretty fast even before I laid down on the table. I knew there was no baby to see, no heart beat to hear so I don’t understand why it affected me that much. I think the tech noticed something was up because she told me not to worry because it wasn’t going to hurt. I felt like telling her I had a million of them I know they don’t hurt but the last time they did this, Sami was kicking away pushing that Doppler away. 7 months ago I had one and she was still alive! Is it going to be like when I have another baby? I get scared thinking about it, nothing is certain not even a rainbow baby. Then that got me wondering about how I am going to feel being pregnant again, will my fear allow me to enjoy it? It’s not going to fair to future baby that I will constantly be worried but I guess that only comes naturally to someone who has already been through a loss before. I keep reading about happy stories about children after a loss and of course that gives me hope but it’s always in the back of my mind, what if? There is no way I can say good bye to another one of my children, my heart really couldn’t handle that. I talked to my doctor a few weeks ago (never finished that post). He said what Sami had was pretty rare and he really believes it will not happen again but still. He was really nice and said he is looking forward to delivering a healthy baby for me to take home. I hope he is right, I want that too. So from this point on, if it happens I will welcome it with open arms. I just hope that I don’t hear from anyone that having another baby is going to help me “move on”. I will punch someone if they say that to me. Moving on is not an option, it’s just adjusting my life without her.

Sami, I really miss you. I have started to get things together for your memorial service. I want it to be perfect just like you! I want the world to know how much you have touched our lives. Tomorrow you will be 7 months!!! Time has gone by so fast sweetheart but I haven’t forgotten anything about you. All the memories are still so vivid in my mind, even down to your scent. The other day another butterfly came and landed on me, I knew it was you again, thank you I really needed that. This is the butterfly, I set it on the flowers in my mom's backyard to take a picture of it. I wish I had my camera with me (this one is from my phone).

On a good note, my nephew graduated this weekend from Cal State Fullerton. Marie’s dream was always to see him graduate. I know she was watching from above. As I sat there for hours at the graduation I was wondering if Marie was looking down below.

I looked up and I seen this…. I knew she was there with us celebrating his accomplishment. He put this on his cap for Marie, so cute!!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Happy Birthday Janessa Marie

Wishing Janessa Marie a Happy 1st Birthday in heaven today.

One year ago today you came and touched your mommy's life forever. Please send her a little sign to let her know that you are doing well and watching over her. Your mommy, daddy and big brother miss you so much. Janessa you have touched my life in so many ways so I want to thank you for that on your special day. Please stop by her Malory's blog today and send her some love as today is a difficult day for her.

So many life changing events happen in a blink of eye. This week I was setting up my new laptop and I put in Sami's video footage from the hospital.  I wish I had more of her but we really weren't thinking clearly that morning. I am blessed the video that I do have so I will not complain one bit about that. Julian meeting her for the first time, her movements, sounds and most of all her beauty. I feel like showing it to the world just to show that she was real, she was alive and she someone who danced on earth and not just in my belly. It seems like only days after that she was forgotten by many. I have proof that I held an angel in my arms, I can never get those moments out of my mind. She remains like a permanent fixture in my heart. I wish she would to many other's as well.
So many mother's are reaching this one year mark and it seems so unreal. Your one day further from that moment when they were in your arms yet one day closer to being reunited with them. Yet we are here stuck in the middle and that is the most difficult to understand. Living with so many shattered dreams and an ache in your heart that will NEVER go away. Life moves on for me it feels like it is a stand still most of the time, stuck in the middle trying to make my way through life. Lately I have been feeling so sad that I just want to hide from it all.
Sami, mommy misses you so much!!!

Thursday, May 06, 2010

One year ago today

May 6th last year I woke up so excited because I was going to go to the perinatologist for a special ultrasound. The first real peak at the little baby growing in my belly. I made sure I got to work on time so that I could leave early without feeling guilty. I got there, signed in and waited. They finally called my name and took me into the nice little room. It was a nice room with all new equipment. My husband could not go with me because of work but I was totally ok with that. I was 11 weeks at this point and was in the for the Nuchal Translucency test. 

So it began... the young nurse started the measurements and was really talkative while doing so. Then she measured again and again. Then the room was quiet and she said the doctor would be in a moment. The doctor walked in and re measured the baby again, she was quite and looked so serious that I even asked her if everything was OK. She just said “I will go over everything with you in a moment", again the nurse was back printing and printing all the screen shots. I thought I was going to be able to start a new album just on this one visit. My heart was pounding and that 45 minutes felt like an eternity. The lights came on, I sat there waiting and waiting some more.

Then they said they seen something really wrong given the measurements that they took. This was new to me because this test was not given to me when I was pregnant with Julian. They were measuring the fluid in the back of the neck. (This is normally less than 2.5mm and when seen increased greater than 2.5mm, see image on the right may indicate the baby has Down syndrome or may indicate another chromosomal abnormality. 95% of measurements will indicate a reduced risk).

I was measuring at 7.5!!!! Right away they asked me to make an appointment with the genetic counselor. They asked me if I wanted I could have the CVS test done. At that point I was scared and confused. I just wanted to get out of there, I wanted to run away. I opted not to get that test done that day. I made an appointment for the following week to speak to the genetic counselor. So I walked out, crying, shaking with a new word in my vocabulary that I had never heard of or needed to use, hydrocephalus.

Just two hours before that I was such a happy pregnant person with no care in the world. In such a short time my life had changed. So many selfish thoughts crossed my mind, I hate to admit. How was I going to possibly raise a child with a defect? I hate myself for thinking those thoughts but I would be lying if I said that never crossed my mind. What about Julian I thought, he was still so little. We would have to give so much attention to this new little person and I thought he would be affected by that without having a choice in it. Never did it cross my mind that the defect that my baby had was not compatible with life, death was something I never thought of, not even at that point. I was just feeling sorry for myself that my life would be so different. I prayed to God to give me the strength to be able to accept my fate. I hate myself for thinking so selfishly!!!

I called my husband and cried and cried, I could barely speak. I wasn’t able to go back to work. I went to pick up Julian from my mom’s, I held him so tight and I cried some more. From that day on, my nightmare roller coaster began. My husband didn’t want to believe that there was something wrong. He looked and looked at the picture they had given me and he cried too. It was clear that there was a lot of fluid there. We were both so scared; our pregnancy was no longer full of blissful joy it was tainted with fear. I think from that point on I was no longer able to sleep well. The following week we had the CVS test done, waiting for the results was just nerve wrecking, horrible. I think I cried everyday for those 2 weeks. I didn’t enjoy those two weeks; I took my pregnancy for granted. At that point I had no idea what was really going on.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Jenna's 1st Birthday!!!!

Happy 1st Birthday Jenna!!!!

Jenna, I hope you send some extra love to your mommy today, she loves and misses you so much. Please stop by and send her mommy Franchesca some love. I know today is going to a hard day for her. She just gave birth yesterday to her son Joseph. He is a little early, please keep those prayers coming for their family. Please visit  Small Bird Studio blog today for a wonderful giveaway that will last all week. Franchesca, thank you for being to kind to us all, you are such a beautiful person. You always have the most beautiful things to say to me and I cannot thank you enough. Sending you many many cyber ((hugs)) today! May God above be gentle with your heart today.

I also wanted to say thank to everyone who sent me birthday wishes, it really meant so much to me!
Just want to share some adorable Birthday wishes I got from Antoinette (thank you so much)!

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

The BABIES Are Coming!

I am sure a lot of you must have gotten this email from the March of Dimes.  I love babies and I realize that they are just trying to document how different babies live throughout the world however around the world babies die, what about that? Why not do a realistic movie about that? It is not always cutesie and life don't always have a happy ending. I know they are not trying to bring people down but it's not about that, death happens and it happens to many babies, it's reality. I know they are trying to market and make money. Most people want to watch a feel good movie. I am sure proceeds will go to help them but on Mother's day weekend!!! You will not find me watching this movie. I am already dreading Mother's day like would not believe. Yes, I am blessed and  I have many things to be grateful for. Julian is amazing and I am blessed to have him in life but this year Sami was supposed to be here with me too. I should be picking out the cutest little dress for her so we can take many pictures to add to my collection. This year I feel let down by own body who couldn't create a perfectly healthy baby again. Uuugghhh... I am just being a little bitter today.

Email from MOD:

The BABIES Are Coming!

In celebration of March for Babies, the March of Dimes is excited to announce a national partnership with the new Focus Features' movie BABIES!

BABIES opens in theatres May 7th, Mother's Day weekend. Directed by award-winning filmmaker Thomas Balm├Ęs, from an original idea by producer Alain Chabat, this film simultaneously follows four babies on an epic journey — from first breath to first steps.

The children are, respectively, in order of on-screen introduction: Ponijao, who lives with her family near Opuwo, Namibia; Bayarjargal, who resides with his family in Mongolia, near Bayanchandmani; Mari, who lives with her family in Tokyo, Japan; and Hattie, who resides with her family in the United States, in San Francisco.

Re-defining the nonfiction art form, BABIES joyfully captures on film the earliest stages of the journey of humanity that are at once unique and universal to us all.

Make plans to see BABIES with a group! Learn about group sales or call 1-800-4BABIES for more information.


Monday, May 03, 2010

Monday and 32!

I am not big on Monday's then this Monday I turn 32, blah is all I have to say. Today should be a happy day, a day of reflection and accomplishments. Not this day... today I am reflecting on the fact that one year ago today Sami was still alive in me and today she is not. Last year I was celebrating with family and friends and life was good. People were touching my belly guessing if I was carrying a boy or a girl. I was happy a year ago, I was happy to have a baby in my belly. One year later, my life is filled with grief. Sami is not here, Marie is not here so what is there to celebrate. Maybe next year I will but not today.

I am really sad and feeling blue. Marie never forgot my birthday, she always called me, gave me beautiful card and always made me feel special on this day. It's not fair that I can't have that this year. I am supposed to hear her tell me that Sami is watching over me and that she misses me. Does anyone remember those monchichi dolls? Well for my 4th birthday Marie and my brother bought me one. It came in a huge white box with a red bow, I sat on the kitchen table and opened it. That was the best birthday ever!!!! My monchichi was like my child, I took her everywhere I went. 28 years later and she is still with me, funny huh? Anyhow, those are the birthday's I like to remember. Also my 30th, my husband had me a huge party, bar tender and all. Marie actually took a shot with me! Good times!

This year I am here at home angry at the world. I wish I could just fast forward today. My highlight was Julian singing his happy song to me and telling on his daddy that he bought me balloons, flowers and a cake. Julian is so cute! I should stop my pity party and count my blessings, I have been blessed for 32 years and I will continue to be as long as there is a breath in me. God has been great to me even though some days I don't always feel that way.

Yesterday was International Babyloss Mother's Day. I had a pretty busy day with a First Communion that I wasn't able to listen live on Anchored by Hope but I did hear it later. If you click on the link you can here it for yourself. It was beautiful, I was so glad to be able to hear the voices of people who have been so helpful to me on this journey. I wasn't able to send a message to everyone but I wanted to wish you each one of you a Happy Mother's Day to you.