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Thursday, September 23, 2010

Birth certificate

Fall is here, I love the fall. The smells, the cool breeze on my face and the falling leaves. I love it all but these past days it has brought me so many emotions. I stepped out the truck yesterday and the smell in the air just brought me back to last year when I was trying my best to embrace everyday with Sami. I would pray to God to let me hold her as long as I could even though by this point I was already in pain from the poly. Everyday I would embrace those kicks and take it all in. It is weird how a simple smell can bring me back to those moments in an instant. I am happy for those moments but it still pulls at my heart. How I wish it would be different. It's almost 11 months, I can't believe it. Next month will be her memorial service and I am looking forward to it because I really want it to bring me peace. I need to do this for me and of course for her. I hope it all turns out to be OK.

So yesterday as I walked in I noticed the mail and there it is was... her birth certificate. It took me long enough to order it, not sure why to be honest. There in my hand was official proof that she really was born alive. I felt like showing it off to who ever just so they can really see for themselves that she really lived. It broke my heart to see on the bottom corner "date of death" but I just ignored that part. Even if she would have never taken a single breath I would still say she lived. Sorry for all you have had a still birth and have to deal with people believing your child never lived. Just makes me sad because they all lived within us. It is so sad that I received her death certificate before this one but it is what it is. Now I get to place another item in her memory box.  I want to cry, I want to scream that this is just so unfair. I miss her so much, I ache for her every single day. For people who wonder if I have moved on, uumm no! Coping... yes, breathing... yes learning to live out her... yes. Some days are good, I smile, I laugh but the pain is never far away.

Sami baby please surround me with your warmth as the days to your birthday approach. It's starting to get a little more difficult for me. Time obviously isn't healing my broken heart. I need you more than ever, lots of kisses and hugs my sweet.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Angel wings

I know I have posted before about Sami's angel wings. Well with her urn there were wings attached to it. When we seen them we just knew that on the day of her service she had to be wearing them. They fit her perfectly, we were so excited. My niece Victoria couldn't believe she really had wings that day, I love the mind of innocent children. My sister told her she was an angel so seeing Sami with wings she was taken back. Makes me smile thinking of that because I know she will always remember her cousin as an angel. A few days later when we had to go pick up her ashes (I hate the way that sounds) they gave me her blanket and rosary but no angel wings. She was creamated with them, she is such a girl and didn't want to wait in line I suppose. Why wait for wings when you already have them right?  I don't know why it took me so long order them again but I did. Today they came in the mail, it made me happy but so emotional at the same time. It doesn't seem right that I have to go through stuff like this. I should be buying her clothes and bows not angel wings to put on her bear. Some days I feel like I am coping as best as I could then out of nowhere I get stopped right in my tracks. My life is different, I accept it even though I would much rather have another life. I life that doesn't involve so much pain in my heart, a life that was supposed be---complete.

These past few months I haven't really felt this pain so intensly as tonight. The pain is always there but it wasn't something that I couldn't handle. I can't really explain it but I am sure many of you can relate. I keep reliving the moments that most people NEVER have to think about such as dressing your dead child, calling the morturary to pick her because her skin was changing color. Those are moments that I will never forget no matter how much time passes. October is so near, it's really starting to hit me.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Happy Birthday Hope


What a journey it has been for Hope, please stop by her blog and wish her a happy 1st birthday.. Her mom Paula and I met on baby center over a year ago. She is the reason why I started this blog. We shared our fears because both of our little girl's had HLHS (hypoplastic left heart syndrome). Although our journey's took different paths I am so HAPPY for Paula and Hope. That little girl is something else. She has been through so much in just one year. It hasn't been an easy road but through it all she finds a way to smile and brighten everyone's day. I hope to one day meet her in person. I think she is just the cutest little miracle.
This weekend Hope will be celebrating her birthday with a Family Fun Day in Cleaveland. Procedes will go to a foundation that is dear to Paula,  The Children's Heart Foundation.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Happy Birthday Marie


Forever loved and missed. I am sending you hugs and kisses. I hope you liked the orchids I got you. I know they were one of your favorites.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Alan Jackson - Sissy's Song

Why did she have to go

So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

When I first heard this song it made me sad to think that song was written for someone who lost a loved one. I never in a million years would have thought that I would hear it and think of Marie. This stuff happened to other people so I thought. Now it's our reality, it's not fair. On Sunday it will be Marie's birthday. My heart hurts right now. Last year on her birthday we were smiling laughing and enjoying a beautiful day at the fair .  If I would have known that would be the last birthday I would share with her I would have taken it all in. I would have laughed more, Marie had this beautiful smile. I need her now more than ever.
I need her words of wisdom, I need her tell me that I can deal with whatever life throws at me. I can't believe she isn't here with us. Sometimes I feel selfish for being mad that she was taken when I needed her the most. We all needed her in my family. Oh my gosh I can't stop crying, I will continue my Marie post later in the weekend. I am so emotional!!!

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

More photos to share

I wanted to share more pictures with all of you
This was on the front of the card that Katy sent me since I was the winner of her giveaway (hooray)

I was lucky to win this beautiful prayer bracelet.

Then after I won that one I won this beautiful candle from Michelle

Aren't I so lucky? I just LOVE this candle. If you get a chance please stop by and visit Michelle's blog as tomorrow is her sweet Audrey's 1st heavenly birthday. Send some extra love to her wonderful mommy who wears a heavy heart these days.

Thank you ladies for creating such beautiful gifts to give, I am really honored to have won them ((HUGS)).

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Happy 2nd Birthday Peyton!!!
                                            Happy Birthday to Peyton!!!
Please stop by her beautiful mommy's blog and send her well wishes on this day that is so difficult for her. Kristin, I pray for strength and peace today. ((HUGS))