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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Wish me luck

I have been so lazy to write lately and I feel like I have left out so much of what I have been feeling lately. Last night for no reason at all I was just so emotional. I sat in my living room and just cried staring at Sami’s pictures. I miss her so much. In a few weeks I will have a healthy baby in my arms but Emma isn’t Sami and she will never take her place. I always play back the moments that we had with Sami and I can’t believe it happened to us. Most people are so fortunate to never be in our place. Having to watch your baby take her last breath, seeing the color of her skin change and the worst having some strangers take her away from your arms. I wish I could sometimes block some of those moments from my life but that means I would be forgetting her and the good and bad times I had with her. This just sucks!

Emma will be here in a matter of weeks and I am terrified. I want to experience her homecoming like most “normal” moms. I want to believe that her birth will be something I have been dreaming of all my life. With Julian he had a rough start so I walked out without a baby in my arms. I can’t go through that again, I just can’t! I had a great pregnancy with him but a horrible labor, one that almost cost him his life. My son was blue and not crying, not what I had expected at all. With Sami I obviously walked out with empty arms again so Emma has to come home with me. I don’t want a NICU stay no matter how short it may be. I am jealous of other moms and just want a normal birth experience this time. Sami, if you are listening can you please put in a good word for your baby sister and I?

This weekend we picked up Emma’s crib, exciting for most terrifying to me. It is still in the box in my garage, will be it ready before she arrives we shall see. Besides some of Emma’s clothes being washed there is no sign of a baby coming home in my house. That is so not like me. I told my husband this weekend was going to be the weekend that we start getting ready but he has to be out of town for work so that will not happen. I want to change rooms around and I can’t do any of the heavy lifting. Hopefully I will be able to somewhat start. I am almost 35 weeks so I need to get my butt in gear! Does anyone want to volunteer and get my home ready? Lol, it will be done eventually. Oh yeah when we picked up the crib we bought a custom bear for a boy and bunny for a girl to give to mothers with empty arms when we go deliver Emma. I am excited to put something those care packages together. It will be my thank you to the wonderful hospital where I will deliver at. Like I said by Sami’s birthday I plan to have more.

Wish me luck with getting my home ready for Emma!!!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

♥ I am so blessed ♥

I had my baby shower this past Saturday. I was exhausted but I felt so blessed to be surrounded by so many people who cares for me and baby Emma. Emotionally I was all over the place all day. At times I wanted to just laugh and other times just cry. It was so weird to be honest because I didn't know what I felt. Even now I am still trying to process it all. In a few weeks there is going to be a baby girl in my arms.
Right now my living room is full of Emma's things and I just can't wrap my heart around the fact that this is really happening to me. I have nothing ready for her, I am glad I didn't go crazy and buy her all kinds of things because I wouldn't know where to put it all. We received so many things for her including a bib that says "I ♥ my big sister" that I just adore and it made me want to cry. Julian is getting more and more excited for her arrival, he just loves her. It is so sweet because he hugs and kisses my belly all the time but   he mentions Sami being in his heart. I am so glad he is getting another chance at being a big brother. I know they are going to drive me crazy but I am really looking forward to it. Part of me feels like I am a new mom all over again. Maybe because Emma is a girl? I am used to boy things now.

This pregnancy is going by so fast as much as I want her here I want time to slow down because part of me feels so unprepared. I can't wait to go on maternity leave so I can be home and really get my home prepared for her. How my life is going to change again in a matter of weeks!! Here are some photos of our special Emma day! 

 Our Shower
A Different Child poem

Our rainbow cake
Centerpieces with Butterlfies remembering Sami

So many gifts!


Already spoiled by her God parents!


My friend went crazy on her gift!

I just love this!!!!

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Where is the time going?

Are we already into the second week of March? It doesn't seem real to me. First I would like to congratulate all the mommas who have had their rainbows. A few hick ups along the road but none the less they have arrived. Sending extra prayers for baby Carter who hopefully has a short stay in the NICU and for Kristin as she recovers from the birth of her twins.

I can't believe it's been so long since I have last posted. All is well with me besides the usual emotional roller coaster. I supposed my emotions are enhanced by this pregnancy. Almost 32 weeks now but I feel like I am already 40. Feeling blessed to have this little wiggle away but I would be lying if I said it has not taken a toll on my body. I am exhausted and chasing after Julian I am ready to hold this little girl. I am scared to death and as the weeks pass me buy my anxiety increases. How am I going to take care of this little being? I know I have some experience under my belt but still, I am terrified. I want to be so happy and excited like most mom's but I can't. I just can't because I know that at any point complications can arise. Not that I am thinking negative thoughts or that I don't have faith! Please don't say that to me, faith is all I have to get me through.
This weekend is my baby shower, I am scared. Not because I am going to jinx it but scared because I feel like people are going to not remember Sami. I want this for Emma, she deserves to be celebrated because her life is everything to me but Sami's life is too. I just feel so cheated because I never got to experience this stuff with her. How is possible to always feel happy and sad at the same time? Those emotions are always together now and I can't separate them. I am one of those girls now that can laugh hysterically and be crying at the same time. I do this quite often, sometimes I think I am really crazy. My husband keeps me grounded and I am so thankful for that. He really understands me without having show his emotions like me. It must be so hard to be a grieving man. I will have to post about that later. For now I will leave you with some pictures that were taken this past weekend.
Julian giving Emma kisses

The cord in front of her, kind of scares me