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Monday, July 26, 2010

And the winner is....

I did this the old fashioned way... wrote all the names on a sheet of paper and had my husband draw a name out of a box. The lucky winner is Cathy from Running into my life, CONGRATULATIONS to you!!! I hope you enjoy this beautiful piece of artwork in your home. Please email me at so that I can get your info and get this wonderful gift out to you. 

I wish I had a little gift for all you wonderful ladies. I want you to know that I admire each and every one of you. I am so glad that I have you ladies in my life. ((HUGS))

9 months ago today...

My beautiful baby girl
9 months ago today, I held my beautiful baby girl in amazement. I felt her warmth on my skin, an emotion that is so hard to put into words. I was glowing, I was happy and I was in love. Today I am without her but today I am not feeling sad. I am happy that I was blessed to have her. I am thankful for the many people that have been touched by her life. I am proud of her and I am proud of myself because today I am a better person. It has been a bumpy 9 months to say the least but they have been a blessing as well. I feel closer to God even though my faith has been challenged. I know for a fact that heaven exist because it has part of me is there.

Sami, Happy 9 months in heaven, mommy loves and misses you so much. I promise today I will not be sad. Today is a happy day thinking of all the joy you brought into our lives. Did you hear Julian talking about this morning? It was so sweet, he loves you so much. I hope you can feel our love.

It’s not too late to leave a comment for the giveaway. I will leave it open until 6 pm today. Good luck to everyone!

Friday, July 23, 2010

Giveaway for you


Thank you guys so much for following my journey this past year. You have no idea how much of a blessing this blog has been. Never in a million years did I ever think I would be a "blogger." So because of your support I would like to give away a little something created by Franchesca at Small Bird studios. I hope you have a special place for this in your home or somewhere special. I know she puts so much hard work into these lovely pieces. The giveaway prize is will be four pieces - Faith, Joy, Peace, Charity Wall Art 6inx6in, can also be custom made with your verses.

I would like to know how the death of a loved one (doesn’t have to be your child) has inspired you to do something good  for others. For me I would like to think that I have become a better mother to Julian and a better wife to my husband because I acknowledge how precious life is. I would love to hear from you.
To enter, you must be a follower of this blog, just leave a comment below. I will keep this open until Monday July 26, 2010. I will post the winner that evening.

Once again thank you so much for your support. Many many ((HUGS)) to each and every one of you.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I am weak

Today seems to be going better, still emotional. It’s been a hard week for me. I am here at work (obviously not so busy) and I just had a lady come inquire about some insurance. She had her grandsons with her, one was handicapped. Bryston made my day with his radiant smile but at the same has me in tears (of course after they left). He is loved and is very happy but it makes me wonder how Sami would have been if she would have survived. They said she would be severely handicapped, I didn’t care I would have loved her just the same. His grandma said he just had a birthday yesterday and he turned 14, I would have never guessed his age. He is really small and has a sweet baby face. His brother is 2 and he kept hugging him so tight that she would need to ask him let go. It was cute because he was trying to tell me that was his brother. You can see the love they had for each other even from the little one he kept saying “brother”. They have been clients for a while but this was their first visit to the office, I hope they come again. Those are clients that I will never forget. In some weird way I feel a connection.

I keep thinking about those early days when they told me she was a very ill baby. I tend to block those moments out of my mind at times because it was such a hard time in my life. Especially when my first doctor told me she wasn’t going to survive or in his words “why are you still pregnant, IT’S going to die” ouch, how I felt so discriminated. My baby was beautiful to me no matter what was wrong with her we were going to love her no matter what. It makes me wonder how people with handicapped children deal with so many people not understanding the love they have for their children. I remember early on and people telling me that maybe it was best that I abort because she was not going to have a good life. How is that so because I know we would have given her everything she possibly needed, we would have been great parents. I know not one day would go by that she wouldn’t feel the immense love we have for her. I hate it when people say “well at least she isn’t suffering” yes it’s true but it doesn’t make her death any easier on me.

Everyday there is pain in my heart and today it is heavier than most days. I want her here, I want to hold her one more time, I want to see Julian giving her kisses and trying to hold her. I have been cheated. I don’t blame God at all, He didn’t do this to hurt me I know and really believe that. Somehow I know I will be stronger because of all of this but not just know, right now I am weak. Right now I am a mother in pain.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Emotional Monday is back

Oh emotional Monday is back!!!!!!!!! I seriously don’t know what triggers this. I was at the store during my lunch break and it just hit me. I had to walk out of the store and call my honey so he can tell me silly and put me back in a good mood. He did and it worked for a while but it is still hard. I miss Sami, I miss Marie. Tomorrow will be 5 months since Marie passed away. How time flies, I can’t believe it has been that long. Yesterday I was at her house watching the girls swim and it just broke my heart. She is supposed to be here watching them, loving them and being the wonderful mother that she was. Life without has not been very easy for me. I miss being able to pick up the phone and talking to her. On a day like today I know I could call her and she would find a way to make me feel better.

Today I miss Sami more than ever. I feel like the more passes the more I miss her instead of me getting used to the idea that she is no longer here. It’s almost been 9 months and I have started really thinking of ideas about her memorial service that I have planned. Everyday I seem to change my mind about how I want to approach this. One day I want everyone there and the next not so much. I guess it depends on what mood I am in. Grieving is vicious cycle!!!!!!!! It consumes your life. It changes who you are indefinitely. I wonder if people can notice how much I have changed. Do they even care? Ok maybe today I am just feeling sorry for myself, don’t know what it is. The tears are starting to flow so I am going to end this now. I am going to try to make the most of my day. I am going to pick up Julian in a bit and I know he will do or say something to put me back on track.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Prayer request

Please pray for Ashley and her family. Her 22 yr old brother tragically passed away yesterday in a car accident. It breaks my heart to know how much this family has gone through. Please stop by her blog and let her know she is not alone. Thank you!!!

Thursday, July 08, 2010

I love little signs

The past few days have been pretty good. This past weekend we hung out with family and friends and I was actually able to enjoy myself. Of course never far from my mind is Sami. I couldn't help but remember last year and how on 4th of July she scared us because she wasn't really moving. We were at a friend's house and had to come home (I had forgotten to take my doppler) because there was no movement. I remember trying to enjoy myself but I really wasn't able to. I tried eating candy, drinking soda (that is bad) but I needed her to move for me and she wouldn't. I remember just praying and praying that everything was OK. We got home and couldn't get to the doppler fast enough. It took us a while to find her heartbeat but after sometime we finally got it. She was having a lazy day I suppose. I remember crying because I was so relieved. After that we went to my brother's and enjoyed the rest of the day. I was happy last 4th of July, this year was so different. I sat and was day dreaming about the cute little red, white and blue outfit she would have been wearing. I couldn't help it! Over all the weekend went well, I was even able to actually enjoy a Monday! That usually never happens for me.

Last night we needed to go to Target to get Julian some stuff. I have been OK lately seeing the little girl things but for some reason last night it got to me. I purposely walked on the other side to avoid that section because I just didn't want to see it. We were in the isle where they have the shampoo and lotions and right of front of me were the cutest little pink shoes, I cried. I didn't even think about it the tears just fell. My husband seen them too so he knew exactly what triggered my tears, he just just rubbed my back and quietly said "I am sorry."  This really sucks you know? We were in and out of there in record timing, for me a Target stop is never quick.
While I was driving home I was still a little unsettled by what had happened. I was getting onto the freeway and this slow car got in front of me and there was no way to switch lanes at that time. I was cursing at the car at this point when my husband laughed and told me someone was telling me to slow down and relax. I was like no way they just don't know how to drive!!! He told me to read their license plate and well I couldn't help but laugh and cry a little because it said "LIL SMMY." I was like OK little girl, you made your point!!! I had to slow down.  The car got off on the same exit just to get back on again. It was like it just got on to lead me to where I needed to go. It could have just been a coincidence but I took it as a sign from Sami.  It was just one of those things that I needed last night.

I miss her so much! I feel like I have been cheated one being a mom to a little girl and it got me thinking about us TTC. I want of course a healthy baby but the way I feel right now,  I really pray for a baby boy. I think I am scared to have a little girl because of what people are going to say such as "oh now you finally have your pair" or "you finally got your little girl." I am a mom to a little girl, a little girl in heaven! I don't want people to feel like I can replace her in any way. But then at the same time if I have a little boy again they are going to probably ask if I am going to try again for a little girl! I am scared, I am scared that by having another baby they will feel like I will be healed. I will never be healed. 8 months into this grieving process, I have learned to live a new life. A life that I am thankful for of course but at the same time a life that I never wanted. They say it gets easier with time, I don't think that is necessarily true but I do believe that we just learn to cope better. Really what choice do you have?