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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Having a GOOD day!

Emma's heart is healthy and strong. I am so darn happy right now. I am not sure why but I am having a hard time uploading her photos since I am here at work. I will scan once I get home so I can share her precious face with you guys. She lookes like Julian so far!!!

Thank you everyone for the thoughts and prayers, it meant so much to me. Can't wait to see her again next month. Hopefully her belly will continue to look perfect too.

PHOTO UPDATE (not clear but just to excited not to share)

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Christmas recap

Christmas was pretty terrible this year. Much harder than last year for me perhaps because I am numb like last year. I really miss my little girl, darn it!!! Marie not being here was terrible too. Christmas eve my mom wasn't feeling well at all by late evening my sister decided to take her to the E.R. Glad they went because my mom would have never felt better had she not gone. She spend Christmas day there as well. We all decided we would open gifts once she was out, the kids didn't mind. They wanted their abuelita (grandma) home. She came home Sunday afternoon. Tomorrow she will go in to see a specialist, praying they figure out what is going on with her quickly.

Christmas eve we attended the children's mass, I always love going to that one. Standing room only but it's worth it. We decided to take Sami with us, so glad I did because I would have felt weird not taking her. I had to fight back my tears many times because I just didn't want to fall apart. Here are a few pictures...

The priest always calls the children to the front alter with him

Daddy, Julian and Sami outside of church

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Us at my mom's house. Julian didn't want anymore pictures.
Please pray for me tomorrow morning, I have an echo for little Emma's heart. Praying all is well. The other day at the U/S Dr. H mentioned she seen 5 chambers but then quickly said 4. I know she told me they would schedule an echo for later in the pregnancy just to be safe however the next morning they called me first thing to have me come in tomorrow morning to see the fetal cardiologist. I know they are just taking every pro caution possible so I am trying not to stress myself out. I am just being hopeful and I have been praying that all is well. I will hopefully be on here tomorrow posting good news.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas stuff

I have been so bad about posting lately. First I want to THANK EVERYONE who mailed a Christmas to us. It touches my heart so much. Sami has gotten more cards than us, I love it!!! I have not mailed out a single card this year to close family and friends. I have been so bad, better yet I have not even started my shopping! Umm it's the 23rd I know... It will get done eventually.

Sarita from One perfect Rose, sent me the most beautiful ornaments for Sami and Faith, there are two of these. I will cherish them forever.

Then for the ornament gift exhange I received this beautiful dragonfly that was made by Jessica. She doesn't have a blog but she is thinking of opening up her own Etsy store. I told her she should, if anyone is interesting in getting one for their angel let me know and I will give you her info.

I was also part of a gift exchange and I received the prettiest pink bracelet with Sami's initials on it. I have to take a better photo to share with you. Liseth doesn't have a blog but her and I have become new friends and I am so glad our paths have crossed.

Last but not least Katy from Delivering Hope for Hannah sent me this beautiful ornament for Sami's birthday.

This year of course my tree had to be pink again for Sami so here a few pictures I want to share with you.
This is Julian possing by the tree before going to a charity rodeo with his daddy this past weekend. He is such ham.

Had to add one for Marie
I want to wish everyone a peaceful Christmas. I know for many of you it is your first without your precious baby(s), please know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Missing her

Last year during the holidays I managed to get through them. I even mailed out Christmas cards but now looking back I was still in a daze. It had only been 2 months since Sami grew her wings so I guess I was still in a state of shock. This year getting into the holidays has been hard. I decorated my house because Julian is so into it this year. He is finally able to really understand the magic behind the holidays. I wish I still was able to see that. This year I am hurting, I miss my little girl so much. Last night I was uploading Julian’s Santa video on my laptop and noticed Sami’s video was still on there. I had to watch it again and of course the water works came on. I have not shared that video with many people even though I should because it shows her alive, breathing our air. Gosh, she was just so beautiful. It has Julian’s first encounter with her, he was staring at her like “what is that?” so cute. I am not sure why I don’t have more video from that day but whatever I have I will cherish that for the rest of my life.

Why is it so hard for me to understand why this happened to me? I never imagined being here, missing my daughter. I suppose no one who has lost a child ever imagined this for themselves. It is so darn hard, I hate it. I was reading Kristin's blog earlier today and she wrote so many of the feelings I have towards grief, I just had to share because her writting I just love. The title speaks for itself "I hate grief."  I hate that so many of have to walk through life feeling this way.

Santa would it be to much to ask for a moment with Sami? That is all I want even just a breif second.

Sami, please send me strength to get through these days without you. I miss you and love my little mama.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

So darn emotional

How do I calm my mind from thinking that the worse can happen at any moment with this pregnancy? I was really doing fine, I was happy and didn't let fear get to me but now it seems that it has gotten the best of me. I am scared! Lord knows that there is nothing more in this world I want than to bring this baby healthy into this world.
I still can't believe we are having another baby girl, since I was little I dreamt of being a mom to a little girl. I had the opportunity with Sami but my hopes and dreams were shattered. Now that it's happening again I am more scared that the chance will slip through my fingers again. I know, I know think positive well I have before and we all know how that ended. Having a baby after a loss is so darn emotional. Your happy, your sad, your hopeful and your fearful all at once. It is so exhausting for me!!!! I am tired, I wish I could just sleep through this pregnancy or be able to see into my belly to know that she is OK. I am so thankful for my heart doppler because I would go insane without it. Whenever I have any doubt I just put that little thing on my belly and listen to her heart. It is music to my ears, I just love that sound so much.

On the 21st I go to the specialist again and I am excited because I know I will get to see her again. My belly is getting pretty big but that is nothing new because I always get big belly's. With Sami it was ridiculously big but that was because I had poly. Last week my regular OB doc said I am measuring ahead so maybe she will decide to come sometime in April. I just pray she comes home to me. So far I have had nothing to be worried about but they haven't checked her heart yet so until I know that it's OK then maybe I will be able to relax a tiny bit.

In the last two weeks 3 mom's have lost their rainbows, please say a little prayer for them. I can't imagine how they feel.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Patches the bear

I have been laging on blogging. Last week we were left out of town and getting everything ready always takes me forever. I did however have a visit from Patches the bear. It was a very nice surprise and he warmed my heart. The weather wasn't that great to we honestly didn't do much. He helped me decorate for Christmas. Julian LOVED Patches although he insisted that I remove his tag (I didn't of course), my son has a thing with tags.

Patches went to work with me.

Patches with Sami

Patches inside Sami's stocking

Patches on Sami's wall at my house

Getting kisses from Julian at Grandmas's house

Patches with a sleepy Julian on our way home from dinner
Now Patches is off to warm Tara's home. THANK YOU Patches for the lovely visit and sorry it took me so long to post about the sweet visit.