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Monday, June 28, 2010

Feeling lost

Well I managed to make it through another funeral. Just 4 months ago I was at Marie’s and 4 months before that was Sami’s. I hope to go many years without having to attend another one. I can’t take them anymore. Briana was 10 yrs old and she looked beautiful in her Snow White outfit, she sure did look like a Disney princess. Vickie is one tough mama, she held up as best as she could. My heart aches for her so much. I pray they will be able to get through the days ahead.

These past few days have been really hard on me. I thought I was doing so well. I had been feeling like the sun was starting to shine again but today (of all days Monday) I just feel so lost. Today I just feel like my heart physically hurts. I tell myself that it will go away and that I will have better days again. I just hate this feeling.

This weekend one of my brother’s forgot I had a baby 8 months ago and it did not surprise me (sad to say). How can someone just forget? I guess people had to actually see her breathing in order to remember she really did exist. I could just imagine how crazy he is going to think I am when he finds out that I am going to have a celebration for her birthday. Oh well I really do not care, the people that truly loved her will be there and that is all that matters to me.

People often ask me what can they do for me and really it is simple, remember my daughter. I know it is hard for people to bring her up in conversation because they did not know her, so I’ve been told. Well they can ask me anything they want; I would love to answer any question they may have. I love to talk about her. Are they afraid to make me cry? Well to be honest they make me cry either way by never mentioning her. This is why this baby loss community means so much to me because they mention her name all the time. I love it, I love to open an email or see comments saying they are thinking of us. I am not asking for a pity party but a simple thinking of you message would be great, especially from family. People always say “we are here for you,” really? Well where you the first weeks after her passing? Not calling us or visiting us that’s for sure. I know I live far from my family but that has never stopped me from visiting them all the time. Now I just made myself angry thinking of all of this. I will just end this now before I really speak my mind and offend people. Pray that I have better days soon please.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

I need a little help here

My friend Vicky asked me to help her with the memorial programs for Briana's services, can you guys please help me? Any suggestions, pictures, poems or readings I will take. She is going to be having a butterfly release. Her service will be Saturday so I need to think quickly. THANK YOU in advance.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Prayer request

Please pray for my friend Vicky and her family. On Saturday night her 10 year old daughter Briana passed away.

When I got the text this weekend, I just froze. This world is not fair!!!!!!! I remember visiting Briana at the hospital the day she was born. How fast time flies. Briana had cancer and has been battling it for a long time now. Please keep them in your prayers.

If anyone could write her name, I would greatly appreciate it. I would love Vicky to know that Briana is being thought of. You can send it to my email at

Thank you!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Blog anniversarry

Last year on this day I created my blog. My first blog post, it was simple. I didn't know where it was going to take me but I just needed to write. My friend Paula had just created one and told me I should do that same. I am so thankful that I did! Both of our daughter's had a heart defect. It has been a blessing to see her daughter Hope thrive and do so well. That little girl is really a miracle!

Last year, I said something good would come of all this and boy has it. Sami may not be here with me physically but she has made good things happen. I know she has touched many lives, more than I ever imagined. Because of her I have met so many wonderful women who have gotten me through the most difficult days. Recently I received an email from a girl in the Philippines who came across my blog. Her son was recently diagnosed with Encephalocele, so like all of us with a new diagnosis she googled it. With not much out there on that she stumbled on my blog. We have emailed each other a few times. Her most recent scan showed that he does not have any other problems and that is great news. Please keep her and the baby in your prayers. She is 26 weeks pregnant at the moment. I am sad that she has to spend so many weeks wondering what will happen. I was once there, scared beyond belief. I am praying for a great outcome for her and the baby.
I was going to have a blog giveaway for this but today came so fast so I will have to have the giveaway at a later date. Today for me is a day of reflection. I have not gone back and read any of my old post, perhaps because those emotions I felt are still so strong. I know one day I will be able to go back and read them. Today is just one day at a time, one foot in front of another.
THANK YOU for everyone who has been so supportive this past year, if I didn't have this blog I am not sure how I would have managed to cope. This has been such a wonderful blessing in my life. I never imagined how many doors would open for me because of this blog. So happy blogversarry to me!!! I am still not sure how long it will last or what other road it will lead me to but today tells me I will be here for a while. I hope that Sami's blog has helped you in some way and I hope you will continue to walk along side me.

Sami, this is all for you baby! I miss and love you so much. Julian thought of you last night but I am sure you already know that. I know you come and play with him often. He knows you are with Jesus and with your Tia Marie. Thank you for letting him be the messenger, brings me such comfort.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Happy 1st Birthday in heaven Nolan

Happy 1st Birthday to baby Nolan in heaven today.
Please stop by and give his mommy Ashley (A ruby family) a few encouraging words since today is a really emotional day for her. When I first started this blog almost a year ago this is one of the first blogs I started following. Nolan's life really touched my heart and continues to do so. Ashley is just an amazing person. Ashley wishing and praying for strength today. I know Nolan is going to send you many hugs today that will warm with you with peace.

Today, I am feeling better. Monday's I swear just wear me out. I had a client call in to work. He was very happy to know that I am back and so on. He kept talking and talking, asking questions about the baby (he knew I was on maternity leave). I couldn't stop him and finally when I did I had to tell him that my baby girl was no longer with me, that in itself is already difficult. His response was "oh well at least you still have your son", WTF????? Excuse my language. Really? People really speak without thinking, I hate that. I always try to make the best of Monday's but something always has to happen to bring me down. I have learned to just ignore comments like that and do my job but from now on I asked to never have to speak to that client again. One day it's going to just set me off and someone is going to see the not so nice side of me. I feel it coming and it scares me.
Julian was also having a bad Monday too, thank God that by the end of the night he was able to calm down. He sweetened up my night by giving me kisses and talking about the baby. I have to record him one day and post it on here, it is just the cutest thing ever. I hope he always remembers her. Well Monday is behind me for the moment, today I am just going to count my blessings and hope for a much better day.

Friday, June 04, 2010

My wandering mind

My thoughts have been everywhere these days. I am angry, sad, happy and all of the above. I am particularly sad to hear that there are new little angels in heaven this week. But I am saddened more because I could remember so clearly the raw emotions of the early days of grief. I pray for their mother’s and father’s.

Angry because I don’t always understand why God makes good people suffer. One of my dear friend’s is pretty ill with arthritis and lupus. Her son’s are still so young, it just doesn’t seem fair. She has such a strong faith in God. I am angry that He doesn’t catch my friend a little break. I know faith doesn’t work that way although I wish it would. I shouldn’t be angry with God because after all he is watching Sami for me and I should be thanking him.

Happy that people there are some ladies that I truly care about that are pregnant. I am really happy for them and praying all goes well. I am really looking forward to see all these healthy babies in 2010.

Thankful that Julian didn’t get electrocuted the other day while we were having dinner at a restaurant. He took out some keys from my purse and in a second stuck one key into the wall outlet. The restaurant should have had those covered but I can’t blame them for that. My son is 2 and extremely curious. There are memories of sparks and my honey shielding Julian from them. He had daddy super powers that day. Had he been there a second later I am not sure what would have happened. At the restaurant there is a black outlet now and I have a melted key but Julian is OK and that is all that matters to me. Of course it had to happen on a Monday. Monday’s suck by the way!

Scared but I think I am ready to start trying to add to our family. I know our family will never be complete but I do feel like I need to do this. No one will ever replace Sami of course and I am not trying to do that. I think after my dream of Marie holding a baby and telling me he will be with me soon, it gave me peace of mind.

Hurt because I feel let down by so many people with this whole grieving process. I DON’T expect people to go out their way for me but it would be nice to have non loss person call me once in a while to just ask how I am doing or better yet just send a text once in while. I feel like they feel I should somehow be better by now and I should my old normal self. I don’t even want to get into that at the moment. It is what it is and there is nothing I can do to change it.

Thank you to everyone that has stuck my side and shown me that I am really cared about. You have no idea how much that really means to me. Have a great weekend!!!