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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Having a GOOD day!

Emma's heart is healthy and strong. I am so darn happy right now. I am not sure why but I am having a hard time uploading her photos since I am here at work. I will scan once I get home so I can share her precious face with you guys. She lookes like Julian so far!!!

Thank you everyone for the thoughts and prayers, it meant so much to me. Can't wait to see her again next month. Hopefully her belly will continue to look perfect too.

PHOTO UPDATE (not clear but just to excited not to share)

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Christmas recap

Christmas was pretty terrible this year. Much harder than last year for me perhaps because I am numb like last year. I really miss my little girl, darn it!!! Marie not being here was terrible too. Christmas eve my mom wasn't feeling well at all by late evening my sister decided to take her to the E.R. Glad they went because my mom would have never felt better had she not gone. She spend Christmas day there as well. We all decided we would open gifts once she was out, the kids didn't mind. They wanted their abuelita (grandma) home. She came home Sunday afternoon. Tomorrow she will go in to see a specialist, praying they figure out what is going on with her quickly.

Christmas eve we attended the children's mass, I always love going to that one. Standing room only but it's worth it. We decided to take Sami with us, so glad I did because I would have felt weird not taking her. I had to fight back my tears many times because I just didn't want to fall apart. Here are a few pictures...

The priest always calls the children to the front alter with him

Daddy, Julian and Sami outside of church

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Us at my mom's house. Julian didn't want anymore pictures.
Please pray for me tomorrow morning, I have an echo for little Emma's heart. Praying all is well. The other day at the U/S Dr. H mentioned she seen 5 chambers but then quickly said 4. I know she told me they would schedule an echo for later in the pregnancy just to be safe however the next morning they called me first thing to have me come in tomorrow morning to see the fetal cardiologist. I know they are just taking every pro caution possible so I am trying not to stress myself out. I am just being hopeful and I have been praying that all is well. I will hopefully be on here tomorrow posting good news.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas stuff

I have been so bad about posting lately. First I want to THANK EVERYONE who mailed a Christmas to us. It touches my heart so much. Sami has gotten more cards than us, I love it!!! I have not mailed out a single card this year to close family and friends. I have been so bad, better yet I have not even started my shopping! Umm it's the 23rd I know... It will get done eventually.

Sarita from One perfect Rose, sent me the most beautiful ornaments for Sami and Faith, there are two of these. I will cherish them forever.

Then for the ornament gift exhange I received this beautiful dragonfly that was made by Jessica. She doesn't have a blog but she is thinking of opening up her own Etsy store. I told her she should, if anyone is interesting in getting one for their angel let me know and I will give you her info.

I was also part of a gift exchange and I received the prettiest pink bracelet with Sami's initials on it. I have to take a better photo to share with you. Liseth doesn't have a blog but her and I have become new friends and I am so glad our paths have crossed.

Last but not least Katy from Delivering Hope for Hannah sent me this beautiful ornament for Sami's birthday.

This year of course my tree had to be pink again for Sami so here a few pictures I want to share with you.
This is Julian possing by the tree before going to a charity rodeo with his daddy this past weekend. He is such ham.

Had to add one for Marie
I want to wish everyone a peaceful Christmas. I know for many of you it is your first without your precious baby(s), please know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Missing her

Last year during the holidays I managed to get through them. I even mailed out Christmas cards but now looking back I was still in a daze. It had only been 2 months since Sami grew her wings so I guess I was still in a state of shock. This year getting into the holidays has been hard. I decorated my house because Julian is so into it this year. He is finally able to really understand the magic behind the holidays. I wish I still was able to see that. This year I am hurting, I miss my little girl so much. Last night I was uploading Julian’s Santa video on my laptop and noticed Sami’s video was still on there. I had to watch it again and of course the water works came on. I have not shared that video with many people even though I should because it shows her alive, breathing our air. Gosh, she was just so beautiful. It has Julian’s first encounter with her, he was staring at her like “what is that?” so cute. I am not sure why I don’t have more video from that day but whatever I have I will cherish that for the rest of my life.

Why is it so hard for me to understand why this happened to me? I never imagined being here, missing my daughter. I suppose no one who has lost a child ever imagined this for themselves. It is so darn hard, I hate it. I was reading Kristin's blog earlier today and she wrote so many of the feelings I have towards grief, I just had to share because her writting I just love. The title speaks for itself "I hate grief."  I hate that so many of have to walk through life feeling this way.

Santa would it be to much to ask for a moment with Sami? That is all I want even just a breif second.

Sami, please send me strength to get through these days without you. I miss you and love my little mama.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

So darn emotional

How do I calm my mind from thinking that the worse can happen at any moment with this pregnancy? I was really doing fine, I was happy and didn't let fear get to me but now it seems that it has gotten the best of me. I am scared! Lord knows that there is nothing more in this world I want than to bring this baby healthy into this world.
I still can't believe we are having another baby girl, since I was little I dreamt of being a mom to a little girl. I had the opportunity with Sami but my hopes and dreams were shattered. Now that it's happening again I am more scared that the chance will slip through my fingers again. I know, I know think positive well I have before and we all know how that ended. Having a baby after a loss is so darn emotional. Your happy, your sad, your hopeful and your fearful all at once. It is so exhausting for me!!!! I am tired, I wish I could just sleep through this pregnancy or be able to see into my belly to know that she is OK. I am so thankful for my heart doppler because I would go insane without it. Whenever I have any doubt I just put that little thing on my belly and listen to her heart. It is music to my ears, I just love that sound so much.

On the 21st I go to the specialist again and I am excited because I know I will get to see her again. My belly is getting pretty big but that is nothing new because I always get big belly's. With Sami it was ridiculously big but that was because I had poly. Last week my regular OB doc said I am measuring ahead so maybe she will decide to come sometime in April. I just pray she comes home to me. So far I have had nothing to be worried about but they haven't checked her heart yet so until I know that it's OK then maybe I will be able to relax a tiny bit.

In the last two weeks 3 mom's have lost their rainbows, please say a little prayer for them. I can't imagine how they feel.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Patches the bear

I have been laging on blogging. Last week we were left out of town and getting everything ready always takes me forever. I did however have a visit from Patches the bear. It was a very nice surprise and he warmed my heart. The weather wasn't that great to we honestly didn't do much. He helped me decorate for Christmas. Julian LOVED Patches although he insisted that I remove his tag (I didn't of course), my son has a thing with tags.

Patches went to work with me.

Patches with Sami

Patches inside Sami's stocking

Patches on Sami's wall at my house

Getting kisses from Julian at Grandmas's house

Patches with a sleepy Julian on our way home from dinner
Now Patches is off to warm Tara's home. THANK YOU Patches for the lovely visit and sorry it took me so long to post about the sweet visit.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving it is going to be different. Second one I spend without Sami and now the first without Marie. It is starting to really hit how things are going to be so different during these holidays. Last year was seriously a blur to me. Marie always came with her ham and some other side dish and of course pies and always looked so pretty. She always had the girls dressed in their best. Why didn't I take more pictures of her? I miss her smile, her laugh and most of all just talking to her. Last year I remember sitting there with her on the verge of tears, she grabbed my hand and just made me feel better. She always did that and I miss that so much. I don't always talk to people about how much I seriously miss her because it just makes me want to fall apart and I hate crying in front of people.

When your heart aches it is so hard to look beyond that and see how blessed we really are. This thanksgiving I have many things to be thankful for even though my heart is grieving. A husband and son who love me without doubt and this little rainbow that is starting to let me know she is really here (loving her movements). My family who has shown me so much support and have really come together through our losses. Friends who have not let me fall and stand beside me all the time. It may be small but I have a place I can call home. A job that has been so good to me and has given me all the time I need. Last but not least everyone I have met through this blog who has helped me so much, all your kind words and gestures have really made me feel like I can and will get through this.

We are going away camping for the weekend and will not be checking in here so I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. For some of you it is the first big holiday without your precious baby, know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing all of you peace and joy, God bless!

Friday, November 19, 2010

So touched

On Sami's birthday I received the sweetest letter from one of Sami's nurses. I have read that letter so many times and it still makes me cry. It really touched my heart. I asked her if I could share it and thankfully she said yes. Did I mention that I love my nurses? Cheryl and Angie will always hold a special place in my heart and as long as I can help it they will continue to be in my life. So if you both are reading this THANK YOU for being so wonderful, love you guys.

October 26, 2010

Dear Delgado Family-

Today marks the one-year anniversary to the day that we met. One year ago we were meeting under circumstances that were at the time stressful and full of anxiety. At the time we were both questioning what would the outcome really be and praying that this experience was exactly what you both had envisioned and prepared for. I remember that night, probably more than any other night I had experienced as a nurse. It was a Monday night and in the five years as a nurse I probably only worked a Monday night a handful of times because of my husbands work schedule. I remember dreading the drive in, thinking why did I schedule myself on this night, I can’t stand working Mondays probably because they are usually so busy and short staffed. I remember walking in to our mini shift meeting and seeing the patient board and to my surprise it was a rare slow night. I received my assignment on station two. I was working with two other nurses that night and there was only one patient there at the time and I was assigned to take her.
I had this patient for about 5 hours, which in those five hours I had been working so hard to manage her pain and get her settled with an epidural. I remember looking out at the station at the two other nurses that I was working with as they enjoyed their time without patients, just reading magazines and eating. At one point I walked back from getting ice chips for the patient and one of the nurses pulled me into another room. She told me I was getting a high-risk patient coming from triage. The assignment change was coming from our supervisor. I remember being so confused, why do I have to take another patient when I have been the only one working all night. Is my supervisor picking on me, I just did not understand. I gave report on my other patient and walked over to triage to talk to the nurse caring for the patient I would be receiving. Cheryl greeted me at the nurse’s desk, I could tell in her eyes that something was different about this patient. She handed me a pile of papers and said read. I remember Cheryl telling me, “Friend, I know you were the only one who had an assignment tonight, but this patient needs you and I was the one that had your assignment changed.” I looked down and I began to read the birth plan. The birth plan was probably the most beautiful thing I have ever read regarding the care of their unborn child. The details of how you wanted her to be pain free and got authorization to have pain meds given as needed, to having her baptized, and even just arranging a photographer there to capture those precious moments with her.
I felt so many emotions after reading everything. First, I felt honored that Cheryl thought so highly of my nursing care to choose me to care for you. Second, I questioned myself. How do I make this experience everything they envisioned? How do I fulfill their emotional needs? Am I going to be the caring and nurturing nurse that they had hoped for? How would I cope with this? I wanted it to be perfect, but I was so scared to let you down. I have taken care of many cases regarding infant loss and often left work feeling empty, questioning God and wondering why was this happening. Why? Why? Why? And of course no response was ever received. How can a beautiful, loving and deserving family experience such loss and grief? Little did I know that the answers to my questions would eventually be answered.
I remember getting the call from Cheryl that she was bringing you to your room, 212. I remember trying to place myself in your shoes and thinking how would I want my nurse to care of me if I was going through this experience. When we met I remember feeling so sad for you. I didn’t even know you but I wanted to just hug you and tell you how sorry I was. This was going to be one of the most difficult days in your life and you had complete strangers helping you along this journey. You must have been so scared.
After your epidural, you progressed so quickly and soon Sami was ready to come into this world. As the doctor arrived I remember being so scared for you. At this moment your daughter will have life and so quickly would it be taken from her. Sami was born and as expected her diagnoses were confirmed to be true. But through the sadness, beauty was found. Sami was beautiful! She was an ANGEL! She was and is a gift from GOD! She is always with me. I know she it. She is always with me at work, along with the other angels that have crossed my path.
I left work so sad that day. Just like all the other families that have crossed my path at some point or another in my career, I questioned if I would ever see them again. I always felt so connected to these families as if they were my own and then never had the opportunity to see them again. When you visited our work the night that both Cheryl and I were working, such joy and piece of mind was felt. I felt for the first time as a nurse I could express how this experience really affected me and how this experience has made me a better person and nurse. Thank you for allowing me to share this with you.
To see you all on the 23rd of October was a breathe of fresh air. Keeping in contact over facebook and reading your blog has really helped me feel the importance of so many things. Working with death and seeing it face-to-face has always brought questions that I wrote earlier, why? Why? Why? Lisette and Laurence, you are two brave and amazing people who have set a clear example to all those who question faith or God. And when faced with adversity, you broke through the mold and showed this world what strength, faith and love can really do. And even though Sami is dancing in heaven, she lives through you!!! Continue to spread your love, we can feel Sami shining through!

Much Love,


Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Julian's party

Julian's birthday was a hit, he had a blast. I was exhausted but it was worth it to see him laugh and smile all day long. Such a difference from last year! He was spoiled like crazy, nothing new. Everyone was excited to see with a belly again but I will never get used to hearing "aww your going to have your pair now" really? I already do! I have learned to just brush it off but I would be lying if I said that comment didn't annoy the crap out of me. I always just smile and kindly respond that I already have my pair, she is just in heaven. Sometimes I hate having to remind me people that Sami still exist in my world she isn't just the past for me. This pregnancy makes me happy, very happy but it is very hard on me emotionally. One day at a time... Just wanted to share some of Julian's birthday photos.

His cake, it was yummy!
Bouncing away

Oh no!!!
Julian with his cousins
Candy table

A butterfly for Sami

Present time

His FAVORITE gift!!!
Pinata time

Cake time (He LOVES blowing out candles)

Saturday, November 13, 2010

My little guy

Today my little (well not so little anymore) turns 3, I can't believe it. The 33 hours of labor were well worth it. Some people say I would forget the pain but no not the case for me, lol. I remember it like it was yesterday. Anyhow, I am blessed for everyday that he has been in my life. Sometimes he drives me crazy but that never takes away from the love I feel for him. Today we are celebrating his birthday in a big way, perhaps because I feel guilty that last year his birthday was such a blur to me being that it was only two weeks after Sami's birthday. I don't even have that many pictures of his birthday and it makes me sad. I know he didn't know the difference but still it bothers me. This year he will have many pictures and this year I am not going to be crying randomly throughout the day. Today is his day and I plan on making it a good one for him. So Happy birthday Julian, mommy loves you.

Sami, send your brother some warm heavenly wishes. Surround him with your love. Yesterday he seen a baby girl on TV and he said 'I want that one" he misses you so much. Do you hear him at night when he tells you goodnight? I sure hope so baby girl. Mamma loves you too!

I can't believe how much he has grown and changed these years.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

This is Sami's memorial page that will be shared in Anchored by Hope, The sketchbook Project.
Many thank you's to Katy and Kristie for doing this. This just brightened my day.

Monday, November 08, 2010

Good news!

So on Friday I called to see if my results were in from the CVS and yes they were. Little rainbow has no chromosome defect. No inverted chromosome like Sami and I. When I heard her say everything came back negative I felt such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I just cried, the girl telling me was probably thinking I was drama but I didn't care, this test was really scary for me.
Let me go back to the actual day of the test, I was in the room trying to calm myself down because it was just so emotional for me, especially because it was on Sami's birthday. Anyhow, when all was done the Dr. H forgot to take some pictures of the baby for me so she asked the tech to take some more. I asked her if she can tell the gender of the baby yet and she said she believed she had already seen something that caught her eye. I have a picture with little arrows pointing to little boy parts! I was having a boy, OMG I thought of my dream with Marie. Could this be the Joseph she was talking about. I was so excited, Julian and Sami were going to have a baby brother. I told a few people my news and they were excited too.
So after we went over the results I almost forgot to ask her the gender of this little rainbow because it's a boy right? Well no.... Little rainbow is a baby girl!!!! I screamed "a girl" and she really thought I was crazy because she said, "two x chromosomes, makes a girl" it was funny. I was mentally prepare for a boy and since the 26th of October this baby was Joseph. I will have some explaining to do later, lol.  I am honestly still in shock. I of course just want a healthy baby but I am just so excited that I get one more chance to be a mom to a real live baby girl. Sami cannot and will not ever be replaced in any way but I get another chance. In my mind I thought it was a boy even before this because I really never thought I would have another little girl and now since they said "it's a girl" I didn't realize how happy that would make me feel. Again, I was super excited about having a boy. I called my husband right away and he was just as shocked as I was. It was so cute, he thought he heard me wrong.
Hearing that everything so far is well with this baby gives me some relief but it doesn't still keep me from worrying about the test ahead of us. My due date is May 6th, my birthday is May 3rd, what an awesome gift right? I keep telling myself that this baby is going to come home. I hate it when people tell me "keep thinking positive" I did that with Sami and well that didn't bring her home with me. People sometimes think that being pregnant again is going to all of a sudden heal me. Yes, it has helped me in a way but it will never take away the fact that one of my children is in heaven and not here with me. How did this become an angry post? It's not, I am over the moon that so far all is looking great. I will post pictures later!

Thursday, November 04, 2010

4 yrs ago today...

I married the love of my life 4 years ago today. I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. It took us 7 years to finally get married but it was worth the wait. I love my husband, he is such a wonderful person and  don't know how I would manage without him. I love that even though so much has happened in our years married we have remained strong together. We have been together so long and he still calls me "girlfriend" and I still call him "boyfriend" it's funny but everyone is so used to it. Sometimes even Julian will call me "girlfriend". I think we will be old and gray and still call eachother that. Here are a few pictures from our big day, a trip down memory lane. It was a very traditional mexican wedding, my hubs was wearing a charro suit not a mariachi suit, lol!

Marie bringing up my dress

Gabrielle, my God daughter being bored as we got ready.

Our large wedding party

Me and my girls

My maid's of honor, Stella and Cassandra

Yes, I was wearing my boots!
Marie and I
Our 1st dance- I cross my heart by Geaorge Straight
Did I mention that I love my husband?