Life should never be taken for granted.

It is crazy to think how much your life can be changed over night. My brother’s family was turned upside down without any warning. The services for Marie were held this past week and being there, seeing her still does not make it real for me. I feel that at any moment I am going to get a phone call from her or an email. Marie was really like a second mom to me in reality. I remember shopping for back to school clothes with her in elementary school and her taking me to go get ice cream all the time. She and my brother getting their house ready for my wedding, she insisted that I get ready there. Marie holding my hand and cheering me on as she tried to record Julian’s birth, I would have fallen apart if she wasn’t there with me. Her getting to the hospital as soon as possible to see Sami. I could see the pain in her eyes because she prayed so hard that she would be born OK. I know she felt my pain that day. So many moments in my life with her in it, big and small so it just makes it that much harder to really understand the meaning of her passing. I am glad that we were emailing each other on Thursday before she became ill and I am glad I sent her a little message on Valentine’s to tell her that I loved her. She meant so much to so many people, at her service there was over 830 people there in attendance!! It was beautiful to see how many people cared for her. The support my brother is getting is just breath taking. Marie was so special and she touched so many lives. My brother and the kids are holding up as best as they can. I try to put myself in there shoes because I could only imagine the pain they feel. They shared their everyday lives with her. My heart is completely torn because of this, imagine them? I don’t ask why this happened because I know I will never get an answer. I will take this as a lesson in never taking life for granted. Tell your family and friends how much you love and care for them because we just never know when it is our time. We are only here on borrowed time. I hate that saying but it is so true.

Prior to all this happening I had been in a little rut, feeling sorry for myself. I was angry, mad and of course sad because I felt like people didn’t care about what I was going through. Little by little the phone calls were not as often and Sami’s name was not mentioned as much and it was really bothering me. Now I look back and realize how silly of me to think that way. I know people care, I know they want to help me get through this but they just don’t know how to reach out. Now with my brother and his family going through this I feel like that. I don’t know how to approach them in a way because I know they are in their own world of pain. There is nothing I can say or do to ease their pain. From my experience now I know now that I will not leave them alone but I will also know when to back off. Sometimes words are better left unspoken. They are already annoyed by the comments people make. Sometimes a nice hug or a nice gesture goes a long way. In that sense I know I can be their biggest supporter. I get sick to my stomach just thinking of their feelings when it really hits them that they have a new life without wanting one. When people go on with their lives and they can’t, the thought of that just makes me cringe. Right now their home is full of flowers and visitors are in abundance but what happens when those visitors stop coming and the phone calls stop? I fear the day when they are alone and no one is there to console them as they cry. What awaits them is such a harsh reality.

On a good note, THANK YOU to Franchesca for doing such an awesome job on my blog makeover. I love it, love it!

Learning to Breath

I wish I could share some good news but I can't. Marie left to be with God and I can't wrap my head around this. I am walking in a daze. I never thought I would be planning a funeral after Sami, it's only been four months. I thought I was doing well in the sense of having good days lately and now this has just devastated me. I think at the moment I am in shock, I feel like at any moment I am going to get a call from her or an email to Cheer me up. This has hit my family so hard, she was just a beautiful person and she has touched so many lives. The amount of support people have shown our family is just amazing. Thank you everyone!

Learning to breath is my new title and it fits so well because that is how my life is at the moment. Learning to breath and learning to live. There are moments in my life where I feel like I have to remind myself to just to that, breath! The pain in heart so bad that feel like at any moment is going to just stop. Is there such a thing as dying from a broken heart? How do I get the strength to help my brother and the kids? I promised Marie that since she is taking care of my baby in heaven I am going to take care of her baby's here. I am going to do whatever I can to help them although I feel like I can't. I don't know how I am going to do that when I don't know how to live without her. I love her more than words can say. She meant the world to me and I wish I had told her that more often. I will have to finish this post later because I just can't continue at the moment. Thank you, thank you everyone for the many prayers. It really means a lot to me.

I am asking for prayers!!! Please

I cannot believe this is really happening right now. I am desperate and in need of prayers at the moment for my family. My sister (in-law) Marie is really sick at the moment. Yesterday she went to work and felt dizzy and two minutes later she was unconscious. She was rushed to the hospital and after hours of testing they realized she had a brain aneurism. They went in to release some of the bleeding and shortly after she coded. Marie was pronounce dead around 3pm. Again I was in a room full of doctors I could not wrap my head around what I had just heard. It felt like the walls were closing in on me. A few minutes they came back in, Marie’s heart started on its own!!! Marie is not ready to leave this world; MIRACLE is all I can say to that. We need to pray that she will stay with us. I cannot handle another loss at this moment. I seriously cannot remember a time in my life without her. She is my brother’s high school sweetheart. Marie is such a beautiful person who has such faith in God. Marie is a healthy person who works out everyday, lives for her family. She is a mother of 4, Cassandra (26), Carlos (24), Andrea (10) and Gabrielle (7). They need her, my brother needs her, my family needs her and most of all I need her. I seriously never even call her “in-law”, she is my sister. Please, I am begging for everyone to pray for her. She means the world to me. She is holding on, they do believe there is a large amount of brain damage however with all the swelling they can’t assume that. She has tubes everywhere and will be in an induced coma for at least 3 days. She came back to us for a reason and I really believe something good will has to come of this. I know life is never certain but miracles have happened and will continue to do so. The first 24 hours were highly critical and she has survive that, I am being very hopeful, I know the recovery will be long and hard but together as a family I know we will make it. I will try to post once I hear something different, please, please pray!!! Thank you and God bless.

Mini breakdown

I hope everyone had a great Valentine’s Day. This year we decided we were not going to go all out like we normally do. We did however take Julian to the snow for the first time and that was really nice. He had so much fun so that made me really happy. We do not get that much snow in California so we had to take advantage of it and go. I also wanted to get away from the heat this past weekend because it was 80 degrees! So over all I had a good day.


On Saturday we were out for dinner at a restaurant and I had a mini breakdown. We were almost done with dinner when I heard the cry of a newborn in front of us. I seriously did not notice that there was a baby there. She was crying and crying and I tried to ignore her cries (impossible) but what got to me was actually seeing the lady pick up that baby to soothe her. She gazed into her baby’s eyes and you could just see the love she had for her. I was jealous, I will admit it. I want that so badly, I want to hold my baby and make her feel better. I was trying to so hard to fight back my tears. I was trying to talk to Julian and my husband to get my mind to think of something else. My honey noticed and he just looked at me with a helpless look. Thank God our bill came because we were out of there so fast. Either way I was going to walk out. I didn’t want strangers staring at me because I was crying. Of course I cried on the way home.


That was the first time since Sami passed away that I had actually been around a new baby. I avoid being around baby’s as much as possible and now I know why. I am just not ready and I often wonder when I will be. I feel bad because I still have not gone to see Larry’s cousin’s new baby and he was born in December. The thought of having to hold him is just too much for me to handle at the moment. I hope they understand and they don’t hold it against me for not visiting them. I also hope my co-worker understands if I do not go visit her right after she has her baby next month. It’s not that I am not happy for them because I am but it is such a harsh reminder that Sami is not with me. This month she would be turning four months, four month living without feeling her warmth. I wonder everyday what she would be like. Thinking of all the smiles I am missing out on and all of the usual milestones in her life, eating new foods, trying to sit up and oh that sweet baby babble. How I miss her so much!!!

Doing something good

THANK YOU MALORY--EVERY LIFE HAS A STORY...

The video is beautiful, I cannot thank you enough. For anyone who wants view it is on the lower part of my blog. Make sure to turn off my music player first.

I have been having some good days lately so I have decided to get a team going and walk in honor of Sami for the March of Dimes. I seen it on Holly’s blog and looked into it. Finding ways to do fundraising and getting people together to walk with me has kept my mind pretty busy. I needed this so I am glad I decided to do it. It will also get us ready for the walk on October 15th at the hospital where she was born at. They have a walk in October every year and it ends in the memorial garden they have. I just sent the form in to have her name added to the memorial wall. How I wish I did not know of all this stuff. Before October 15th had no special meaning to me and now boy does it ever. A special day to remember our angel’s who have left us far too soon. I am so sad that I am part of this hush, hush community of the baby loss. I never knew how much pain there was until it rocked my world this past year. I never had a reason to pry into this community. No one wants to be part of it of course, it just happens unfortunately. Now I want to do what ever I can to help others and bring some awareness that there are so many people who changed forever because of infant loss. We have different stories to tell but we are all walking the same painful path. I know I cannot change the world and save every baby or every parent from this pain but if I can help even one mom get through this then I can say I did my part. I am still fresh on this journey but with the help of so many baby loss moms out there I have gotten through some rough days. I know I am not alone. I am not taking any credit away from my family and friends either who have really been there as well. So in case I have not said it in a while THANK YOU to all who have supported me and my honey these past few months. I know that Sami is not here but I am going to do whatever I can to keep her spirit alive and the March of Dimes is one good way.

Valentine’s Day is this weekend and I am not so trilled about it. I wish I had Sami here to kiss and hold and share my unconditional love with her. V day for me is love and family, part of my family is missing so it is going to be a little somber this year. I wonder if that will ever be fun again since I know my heart is always going to be broken. I guess as time passes we shall see. I am sending everyone early Happy Valentine’s Day.

Can't forget that this week is CHD awareness week, fits perfectly since it's Valentine's day (hearts). I Just wanted to share some facts about this.

Sometimes during early pregnancy, a baby's heart fails to form properly, resulting in structural abnormalities known as Congenital Heart Defects. Although some defects are genetic, in many cases the cause is unknown.

CHD is the most frequently occurring birth defect, and is the leading cause of birth-defect related deaths.

Although some babies will be diagnosed at birth, newborns are not routinely screened for CHD. The consequences of a late diagnosis can have serious, lifelong implications, so it is important for the public to be aware of the signs and symptoms in newborns, and children. (Better screening could have probably saved baby Cora--please see her blog, just click on her blog button on the left of my blog).We need to spread the word so no mom ever has to go through what her mom did. Big ((hugs)) to her!

It is estimated that more adults than children are living with congenital heart disease, and this population is expected to grow by 5% each year. Yet, many adults with CHD are not receiving adequate ongoing care from trained specialists.***

Thinking and thinking

My mind is constantly going, thinking and thinking and I am just so tired. I keep thinking about how my life would be like if both little ones developed correctly. How would I have handled Julian plus two more? I think maybe God figured I would not be able to handle it. Then I get mad because I am not able to see for myself. That choice was made for me so that gets me angry. This whole journey has obviously not been my choice. It has been out of my control. This really has really tested my faith. I have to take a moment every now and then and remind myself that my faith is what has gotten me through my most difficult days.

I keep remembering the day she was born, I can say I was truly blessed. Seeing Sami and seeing her conjoined twin. Her twin was never fully formed but I still still acknowledge her life. She had a perfect little eye, a nose and even a little ear. We actually named her Faith (I say her because I have a feeling she would have been another little girl). Together they made it 38 weeks in my belly. I feel a little bit more at ease knowing that it was not Encephalocele. It also helps me understand more the other complications that she had going on. Sami is not alone in heaven and that gives me some comfort. Again, I can say I am blessed because they both came and left this world in such a peaceful way. I did not see Sami in any sort of pain or discomfort. It was hard to have her in my arms and not do anything to help her get better but at the same time, I did not want to see her full of tubes and being poked by needles. That is no life for a tiny baby. I knew I had to give her up. God needed his angel back and knew I had no choice in fighting that. I got to hold her and cherish every second of it. I am glad that the hospital staff was very nice and they followed my birth plan. I had her with me for a total of eleven hours before we called the mortuary to come pick her up. That moment I wish I could just block it out of my mind. I am traumatized by that moment. Seeing my husband place her tiny 4 pound body in the car seat and watch two strange men walk out with my daughter was the so hard. I have never cried so much in my life. My body was shaking uncontrollably as I tried to give her one last kiss and say one more I love to her. I can’t help but cry when I think of that moment. I tried to remember every single detail about her at that moment. I can still hear that dreadful knock on the door when they came, before I even seen the two men I started to cry, I knew it was time to let her go. How can anyone do that job, to walk into a room and take a new baby from their mother’s arms. Not one day goes by that I don’t think of that moment. Why can’t I just remember the good things? Lately I have been having dreams of Sami’s funeral service. The last one I had this week, I was sitting in the back of the room watching everyone but I held another baby in arms. After a while I got up and placed this other baby next to Sami with everyone watching me. I woke up in a sweat, perhaps it is my subconscious thinking of her little twin. I normally don’t talk about that to people besides my honey.

This week I am not as angry and I think it is because I am just letting myself feel the true sadness in my heart. I have been crying more and just letting the anger go. That has actually made me feel better these past few days. This week has been much better than last week because I am not as angry. I could handle the tears much better for some reason.

I also want to ask everyone to pray and support all the heart babies with CHD and their families. This week is Congenital Heart Defect awareness. Have a great weekend everyone.

I am so angry...

I am not sure at where all this anger is stemming from but boy is it ever so present. I am angry at everything yet at nothing if that makes any sense at all. These past few days I just can't seem to shake it off and it is driving me crazy because I hate feeling this way. I hate being mad all the time and not knowing why. Am I angry for having people close to me not give a shit about what I am feeling? Am I angry because I want to run away and I can't? Or is that I am just angry that I do not have my daughter and I just can't understand why? I am not sure if I am confusing my feelings of sadness for anger. I try to tell myself to just let it go but for some reason this week I can't. I don't know if I am still angry about the picture thing or if I am angry that no one close to me really understands what I am going through. It is no one's fault and I cannot hold them accountable for not knowing what to do or say. I myself do not even know what I want of people. Do I want to be left alone or deep down inside do I just want someone to grab me and give me hug and cry with me? I can't be constantly telling people what I need or want all the time because for someone who has never been through this it can get annoying. For so long I have been one person and now I am this moody, don't care type of person. For people that are going through this, how do you handle having a person close to you not be there for you when you need it the most? I don't want to be resentful but I seriously can't help it. I am not sure how to go about those relationships. So if someone out there knows the answer please feel and share that with me.

Alright enough of that now... on a good note, I finally took a picture of Sami's bear (her urn) and I thought I would share. She is still missing her wings but I just ordered them today so I will update her picture when they come in. On another note I have been brain storming ideas as to how I want to help others in Sami's name. I have a few at the moment but nothing concrete so I will share that at a later time. I just have this feeling that I need to do something. Little by little I am starting to get motivated. Hopefully that will help me in my grieving. Oh gosh grieving that word sounds so weird to me, perhaps it is just part of my denial. I think I need to stop writting now before I drive myself crazy. My poor husband, I have been horrible these past few days! My mind is going a million miles per minute, it is going to short circuit soon. I just re read this post and boy is it out there!

Feelings of guilt

It is only Wednesday and I cannot wait for the weekend. This week has been pretty bad, it is almost comical. Monday I should have just stayed in bed and pretended that I did not exist. It went from bad to worse as the day progressed, Julian having an ear infection and a pretty bad cough then to me setting the alarm off at the office and getting a virus on my computer. There was more but that pretty much summed up my day, it was bad. I tried to laugh it off but that did not work, crying felt much better.

I did not want to really talk about this on here but I have to remember that this blog is my outlet towards how I honestly feel at the moment. I tend to hold back on this when I really should not. Yes, I share many personal things on this blog but I only share what I want to share. Perhaps I should have made it clear on how I felt in regards to her photos and any momentos I have of the baby. Let me go back and explain what I am trying to say. For Christmas we received the beautiful canvas photo of Sami. On December 29th to be exact right before we left to go watch a play called the “Glory of Christmas.” I remember the moment because as I opened the box to see it, it really hit me that this was really real. My Sami is gone. Call it denial if you will, but having that photo in my hands made me realize that this is it, I get a picture of Sami to hold and that is it. Photos of her are the only physical thing that I can hold on to. It was a bitter sweet moment you can say. From that moment on it was so weird because I really realized how different things are. Maybe that particular picture got to me because I know that at the moment when that picture was taken she just received her angel wings. It is a beautiful peaceful picture but I know that is when she left us. I remember being in the long car ride with my husband crying and telling him it wasn’t fair that we only have pictures. God knows I want more but I can’t have that so in a way I think I felt angry. Not at anyone or anything just angry and I still feel that way now. I know anger comes from something deeper, an emotion that I am holding down and I can’t quite pin point it. The counseling sessions will perhaps get to the core of that.

Well back to the picture, we decided we were not ready to share it with everyone so I have it in our room next to Sami. Maybe one day I will put it somewhere else in the house but for now it with us in our room. I like to be able to have that as the last thing I see when I close my eyes at night and the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning. That is not to say we do not have any photos up of her in our house because we do. The pictures we had up the day of her service are now in a scrapbook which Julian loves to see all the time. People have asked me for pictures of her but I am not quite ready to give away copies just yet, my mom does not even have a copy of one besides the Christmas card photo that I had sent out to a few people. Like I said the pictures are all I have and I will share them when I am ready. Not sure if anyone has felt this way but I would like to know that I am not the only because I feel guilty. Well the main reason to this long post is that the same picture given to us was also given to other people without my knowledge and it made me mad but it made me sad as well. Mad because no one has the right to just give away her pictures, I do not care who they are given to and sad because that is just so personal to me. Like I said the pictures are all I have. I know it is so hard for someone to understand my feelings because it does not make sense. I have a blog to share and keep Sami’s life alive yet I do not want to give away her pictures. It sounds like a contradiction in a way. That is why I removed the links to her photos, I guess I should have never posted them on this and perhaps I should have never held back on sharing my feelings on this topic. I feel really bad for feeling this way but I cannot help it. It was just such a blow to my heart. I know they meant well, I know that in my heart. To most of us a picture is just that, a simple picture, a memory but to me it is more than just that because that is all I have to hold on to Sami.

First day back at work.

Wow, what a day I had! Yesterday was my first day back to work and of course it had to be raining like crazy. That is just what I needed for my wonderful drive to work. A very gloomy day for my very gloomy mood! I just wanted to stay home with Julian. He had a hard time getting up, which made it harder for me to get going. Leaving him was so heart breaking! I had a harder time leaving him now then when I went back to work after he was born.

Work was OK; trying to get back to a routine is a little difficult. I feel like I forgot how to do my job. With time it will all come back to me. There is one new face at work which is kind of nice because I know he will not judge my behavior since he did not know the old me. I felt like everyone else was trying to act like things were the same. Perhaps they just do not know what to say and that is ok. I was so glad that the day went by kind of fast and I am glad I started on a Wednesday so my first week would not seem so long. I am not trying to get overwhelmed by work.

It took me almost two hours to get home with traffic and the rain. I had to talk myself into not having a breakdown. Julian was not a happy camper either which only made it that much worse for me. I was so glad to be home even if it was for a little bit because my honey and I had our first meeting with the counselor and I am so glad we went. Perfect timing to go see a counselor if you ask me... after the holidays, a new year and getting back to work. I am looking forward to seeing her again. She asked us what the main goal was for us and I really had to think about it because I honestly did not know. My answer was to adjust to living this new “normal” life of ours. For so long we were one way and in a matter of months our lives changed so much. So much of me is gone now and it is going to be that way forever. The whole session was a time to really express my feelings without having any barriers up. I told her it is so hard for me to do that even in front of my honey because I feel like I bring him down with me. Like I said before I could have a good day and he can have a bad day or vice versa. She told us to let that barrier down because we are the only ones that really understand each other’s pain and she is right. Being able to tell each other how we felt without holding back was very nice and much needed. I just do not want our grieving to cause a wedge between us. That scares me because for the last ten years he has been by my side, he is my best friend. Together we have created a life and family and I cannot see us apart. I am not saying that it has all been bad between us but the lack of communication has really affected me. I need to work through so many issues because I see how much it is affecting my relationships with family and friends. I am feeling angry, resentful and that is just not me. I told her I feel guilty for having good days too! Gosh this whole experience has had me so lost. I need to get back on my feet. With time I know I will be able to cope better without my beautiful Sami. This really sucks… I miss her so much!

Having a good day today!

Today is a good day and I am not even sure why. I just woke up feeling good and I am not going to complain about that. I am looking forward to this weekend and we have no plans. This week I went and got a much needed hair cut. I felt really nice to cute my hair short, for some reason it made me feel relieved. Today I finally made our appointment to see the counselor next Wednesday and I am really looking forward to that. I really hope it helps my husband and I. I thought of doing group counseling but I decided I would try this first, I think this might be best right now. Maybe later I will try the other one.

Next week I go back to work, I was supposed to go back last month but I got an extra 6 weeks which I really needed. Now I feel like I might be ready. I am sad that I will have to leave Julian because my goodness, he and I are attached at the hip right now! However I think it would be good for him to go back to his normal schedule. My parents take care of him so I have nothing to worry about because he loves to be with them. I think I am going to cry more than he will that is for sure. I am not looking forward to the hour drive to and from work but I did it before and I can do it again. I am a little scared because I know there are going to be some clients who will say something stupid that will probably make me upset but I cannot stay in my little bubble forever. I need to really get back to a regular schedule. I am scared because I have not seen my co-workers in so long and I know they are going to assume that the old me will be back at work. I know they will be a little cautious with me and sensitive of course but I know they do not realize how much I have changed in these past few weeks. Part of me wishes I was going to start at a new place just because I really do not want to go back. Not that I do not like my job but I just feel like I just need to keep moving forward. I feel so lost in trying to make sense of my life this past year. I want to have and answer or know the meaning to all of this. I feel like God put this in my path for a reason and not being able to pin point it kind of frustrates me. I know with time I will know but I just wish I knew right now. For now I will just continue to count my many blessings and let God lead the way. I am wishing everyone a great weekend ahead.

On another note: please take a moment to pray for the many victims of Haiti. My heart is broken for the many victims. They have a long road ahead of them.

The new me...

It has been a while since I have written but I honestly just have not been in the mood to do so!
I am really glad the holidays are over. Christmas was actually really nice, I received some gifts for Sami that were very touching. We also received many letters for her that I have now put into a mini scrapbook for her. I loved putting that together, it made me feel happy. I love knowing mhow much she touched people's lives. For New Year’s we went camping. It took me a while to decide to go. I am pretty boring these days (my poor husband). I thought I was ready but most of the time I was there I just wanted to be alone and I really wanted to go home. I try to find joy in the things I used to love but it is so hard. I thought it would make me feel better to get on quad and just be free like I used to be however that did not work so I did not ride it much. It took a lot of talking to myself to really get it together and just go with it and enjoy it. With time I suppose I will feel differently. I felt bad because everyone around me was having fun and really trying to make me feel happy.It is hard for people to understand that I am a different person now. I cannot say it was a wasted weekend because now looking back I am glad I went. Getting away from home was nice and much needed for my husband and I. I plan on having many more camping trips this year.


I have officially realized that my life no matter how I try is never going to be the same. I just hope that my new life is not going to affect my relationships with family and friends. I say that because I see that happening now and it is sad to say but I just do not care. My resolution for this year is to just be the best mother and wife I can be because that is what keeps me going everyday. Other people come and go and I am not going to be sad if they decide to not be a part of my life at this point. I have so many issues to deal with that I am not going to feel bad if I offend anyone while I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life. My heart is so broken and it will forever be that way and I cannot make anyone understand why I am the way I am now. For some people they just cannot understand what I have been through this year and I understand that. Unless you have been through this you will never be able to comprehend how much it changes you. Everyone else’s life remains the same and they get to move on and go about their day for me on the other hand life moves on but it is with a totally different outlook. Things that would get to me before no longer do, things that did not bother me before now do! I am not as passive as I was before, I am not as judgmental and I am able understand other people’s feelings and lives in general. I am sad that it had to take all this for me to see life so differently. I cannot look back at my life with regrets because that will never help me heal.


My husband and I have decided that we really need to go to counseling, we are fine now but I know with time if we let things just go as they are we will regret not doing this early on. I have called a few places and I am waiting for them to call me back. I hope that we can go in soon for our first session. I love my husband so much and I know that together we can over come anything and if that means getting some help along the way I have no problem with that. We are still young and to be faced with the death of our child is just so hard to comprehend. 9 months is not a long time to have your life completely changed. Sami’s life was something that we dreamt about for years, she was going to help us complete our family and she has but just not in a way that we wanted. I am just having a hard time knowing that physically she cannot be here. I think we are both having a hard time, it’s almost been 3 months and yet it feels like it was just yesterday that she was in our arms. It breaks my heart to hear him cry for his little girl but I cannot help him because I do not know what to do, I hurt just as much. I really believe that this year is going to be better. I mean I cannot have another difficult year like 2009! I am going to come out stronger from all of this and hopefully be able to be happy with the new me.

Merry Christmas

Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas!!! I know it is extremely difficult for many of us to find much joy however I know God is walking with us all. To the many angels, Merry Christmas in heaven!!! You are all dearly missed.

I am drowning

Last night I cried myself to sleep. I hadn’t done that in a couple weeks. I have been feeling so lonely and I cannot console my aching heart. This morning when I woke up I really wanted to believe it was going to be a better day but, no today has been by far the worst day I have had in a long time.

My husband has been working long hours and I really have not had the chance to spend time with him. I am not used to that because ever since Sami was born we have pretty much been together all the time. Being home without him has been so hard, not sure if it’s because the holidays, I have just been feeling so blue. When he is home I just feel like we are on different pages. It is making me really sad. I suppose I can go somewhere to distract myself but I just do not feel like it. All around me I see happy people and it makes me so angry. I am angry that I cannot be like them. I just want for one minute to feel “normal.” I do not even know what that means anymore.

Today I seriously had a meltdown and I feel horrible because I know I took it our on Julian and he has no fault in this. I scolded him out my own frustration. He was having a bad day too and I could not handle it. He was crying because he just wanted me to hold him I lost it. I couldn’t stop myself from crying, poor thing he just looked at me so helpless. I am the parent here I am not supposed to loose it like this. I just feel like I am drowning. I cannot find my way back to shore. This whole time I thought I was handling this so well but I guess I part of me was still feeling numb or just in denial. It is so hard to really come to terms with this. It has almost been two months and I feel like I just now starting to realize what has happened. How was this beautiful child taken from me? It’s not fair and I am having such a hard time with this. Right now I feel like the way I did when I had to hand her over. I feel like I cannot breath and I cannot control these tears. God help me!!! I am back at square one and I am scared. I want to have the strength to get through this. Maybe I am trying to rush my feelings and not allowing myself to really feel this pain.

This is horrible, Christmas is a few days away and I should be feeling some sort of warm feelings. I have not even bought Julian anything! Again, I feel so bad that I am not been a good mom to him. It is just so hard for me to ask people for help. It is hard to admit that I need help. Again I am drowning, I feel like I am trying to get up but people cannot reach me. Perhaps they don’t know what do once they get me out. For people who have never been through this it’s a helpless feeling.

Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas tress around the world below
with tiny lights like heaven’s stars reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear but the sound of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you of the joy their voices bring for it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me; I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I can’t tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place can you just imagine Christmas with our savior face to face?

I’ll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your spirit sing for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I am walking with the King.

Author unknown

Sami's name in the sand

 

Having a down day today!

It’s raining just what I needed to add to my much depressing mood of the day! I decided to start cleaning my closet to put away my maternity clothes and the feelings of being pregnant just came over me. As painful as it was I miss it. Have I mentioned I hate Mondays? In my horrible mood I realized that my days have been crappy because…

Sami is not here with me.

I feel like I am not being a good mom to Julian.

I do not have the same kind of patience that I once had.

I try to do things like before that would bring me joy and now they just don’t (trust me I try).

Christmas is around the corner and I and not the Jolly mood.

I am stressed about going back to work because I am really not ready yet.

I am constantly tired and there is no reason why physically I should be.

My house is a mess and I just don’t care.

Seeing new little babies makes me so sad and jealous of their mother’s.

I know there are so many kids in foster homes just because their parents don’t want them, what I would give to be able to hold Sami for just one second longer!

I hate when people tell me I am strong because feel like I am just letting them down by putting up a front, I am at the weakest point in my life.

I am way too over protective of Julian now because I feel like at any point he can be taken away from me too and I would not be able to handle that.

For the reason above, I feel like that will come between my husband and I, which will not be a good thing.

I resent people for not talking about Sami, like if she never existed even though I know they don’t mention her because they feel like I will start to cry or something (FYI, mention her it will make me feel so much better!)

People that should have shown some support have not and that makes me hate them which in turn makes me feel bad about myself because I should not hate or hold a grudge on anyone.

I feel fat and not so pretty these days.

My stomach is covered with stretch marks and I hate it! (I should be proud of them because my body did so well in taking care of Sami.)

I guess I could go on forever with how crappy I feel but at the end of the day I have to give thanks to God for the things I do have like a roof over my head, a loving family and wonderful friends who have been there to support me these past few months. I hope the days to come are followed by sunshine so that I can snap out of this mood because I feel so BLAH!

Butterfly Poem

Thank you Paula for sending me this beautiful poem, I will cherish it forever.







You were safe and warm
inside my womb
transforming and growing
just like a cocoon

We did anxiously await
for the day to arrive
Not knowing your fate
and that we'd be saying goodbye

God had a plan
It was different from ours
You take you to heaven
Way up past the stars

Like the butterfly emerges
from it's cocoon
Like the bud of a rose
getting ready to bloom

Your spirit is set free
spread your wings and take flight
He's waiting for you
go into the light

I'll cry for a while
maybe for years
Until I hold you in heaven
Where there are no more tears.

Author Unknown

One month tomorrow!

Tomorrow marks exactly one month since I held my daughter in arms. One month since I felt her breath on me and heard her soft angelic whimpers. I remember seeing her for the first time and how instantly I fell more in love with her. I was blessed to not take a single day for granted while I held her in my belly. Since I was twelve weeks and they told me something might be wrong, I went to bed thanking God for giving me one more day with her and I would also tell Sami how much I loved her. Without a doubt she knew how much I loved her. Now I cannot feel her, I cannot read to her like before. She is physically not here with me and I am just having such a hard time with that. I cannot put into words how much my heart aches right now. The pain is so big that I feel it physically. My body does not know how to react to the emotional pain I am in. The pain I feel now reminds me of how I felt when they came to pick her from me at the hospital. Oh gosh I will never forget that moment. Looking back now I am not sure how I managed to get through that. I was holding her and that sudden knock on the door just made my heart sink. There were many knocks on that door but that particular one was different, I just knew who it was. That was when I totally fell apart that day because having her there brought me so much joy that I really made it a point to not cry all over her. But having her no longer there was just excruciating. I was crying so much, holding her tighter than ever, telling her I loved her time and time again while trying to remember every detail about her. Watching my husband put her in the car seat just broke my heart because he was also crying so much while trying to do that. I wish I did not have that memory because it was such a beautiful day until that moment. It was a beautiful day indeed, it was sunny and warm. I sat by the window and let the warmth of the sun touch Sami’s face while I held her. I am so glad I did that now, I am also glad that I got to take a little nap with her too. I wish I could have had more time to make more memories but that just wasn’t God’s plan for us.

This whole week has been pretty bad for me. I just feel so sad and in a way very alone. I know I have many people who I can talk to but I just have not had the energy to do so. I even feel like my own husband does not get me and I know he is feeling just like I am. We all have different ways of dealing with this and I understand that. I have been lucky to have him home with me this past month but starting Monday he will be back at work and I am scared. I have not been alone this whole month, which has been very nice and much needed. However in the past few weeks I have noticed how differently we both deal with our loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve but when it is two people dealing with such a big loss at the same time it is so hard. I say that because I need him like never before and he probably feels the same, however it is at different times. I could be having a good day and he might not and vice versa. With him going back to work I am scared because I have not had to deal with this while being really alone and dealing with Julian. Julian of course keeps us busy but dealing with him and the terrible two’s can at times be a little overwhelming for me right now. I just do not always have the energy to run after him and play all day! Oh we will see how it goes for me; I have to deal with it at one point or another. Oh gosh how this month has been such hell for me! I know I have to take it day by day but some days I just want to hide under a rock. I want to pretend that this is not real; I want to pretend that what happened to Sami really didn’t. I feel like I am living someone else’s life right now, I life that I never even thought about before.

So tomorrow I am going to try to put a smile on face and make the best of it even though my heart is aching. I am going to just think about the wonderful moments with Sami and thank God for giving them to me. I will not be selfish and ruin this holiday for everyone; I know I will get through it. For all of the loss mama’s out there I wish you much strength to get through these holidays. I know you ache as much as I do. May God bless everyone!

A pair of shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown.

I found this poem on Holly's blog, I thought I would post it on my blog because I now walk in these shoes! I read this a few months back and it really touched me but now it has a new profound meaning.

Oh Mondays...

Another Monday, this marks 3 weeks that my little girl is no longer with me. Will it always be this way, will I always dread Mondays even more than I did before? I feel like as the days go by it gets harder for me to deal with and it kind of scares me because I want to be able to have much happier days. I try so hard, I try to get out of the house more often so that I am not at home feeling sad and yes it works for a while but there is always that sadness in me. I always feel like there is something missing.

I do the family get together's and as much fun as they are I want to sometimes just get away and hide in a room because I get this sudden feeling to just cry. Cry because I just miss her so much. I can still feel her in my arms and hear her little sounds that I just cannot get it out of my head. Everyday passes and it seems like my tears do not have an ending to them. I do not feel like I have to cry all day but like I have said before anything can trigger the tears. I am a broken soul right now and I am really hurting. At times I do not know how to share that with people because I am not sure they now how to deal with me because they have not been through this. My husband and I of course have gotten closer than ever now which has been wonderful. He has been off of work since Sami was born because his work is wonderful (thank you to all his co-workers who gave him vacation hours) but what is going to happen when I do not have him with me? I am a little worried about that and I have really considered going to a few counseling sessions just for my own well being. I figured that cannot hurt me one bit and I might be able to get a little better insight into this whole grieving process.

Tomorrow we are supposed to go on a road trip and I am trying to force myself to want to really want to go. I keep telling myself it will be good for us to go and get away but I just cannot find any excitement in this trip. I hope that once we get going my attitude will change a little bit. I cannot be such a prude because I know my husband needs a little get away and I do not want to ruin it for him. I am going to make the best of it and like I said hope it turns out to be a good trip.

Sami's name

Thank you to Holly for this beautiful picture!

Yesterday was Julian's 2ND birthday which should have made me feel happy but I was having a really hard time with it. Perhaps because Sami's due date was supposed to be on November 15Th and all the should and could haves start to cross your mind. Months ago I was excited when I found out my due date because I was already imagining double birthday party's all the time. I have to admit I was a little sad at first that Julian was going to have to share his birthday but I got over that really fast. Julian was born on my sister's birthday and Sami was due on my dad's birthday so there was going to be much to celebrate.

When life throws a curve ball at you it is so hard to get back on track. I just cannot stop thinking of what could have been, how I would be handling life right now with a toddler running around and a newborn! I try to not let myself think of that but I think it is only normal. I think was is most difficult it just learning to live everyday with out her. I have to come to terms with that reality even though there are moments where I just can't. I have my moments where I am doing alright because I get so consumed with Julian but then he will do something or say something to remind me again that she is not here and then my mood will change so quickly. Thank goodness that most of the time when I think of her all I can do is smile because I have only good memories with her but of course I cry because I miss her so much. Julian will at times point up and tell me to look then he will either say "hi baby or I love you baby" I am not sure but I honestly think he sees something that we don't. I love those moments but then I get sad because I know he would have been such a good big brother to her. My goal now is to forever keep memory with us so that he can later remember her. I don't want her to ever be forgotten by our close family and friends because in my heart she will always live on.

What am I feeling?

I have been trying to figure out these days what it is that I am feeling. I know it is not anger, hurt does not seem like it is enough to describe it. Perhaps what I feel is so big that I am dumb to it. Almost like when you have a traumatic experience and your minds blocks it out, can that be? I know my mind cannot block out what has happened however in a way it almost does because I just cannot believe that I no longer have Sami with me. For so long I held on to her in my womb and now my body is longing for a baby that is no longer here, it does not seem fair. Forever she is in my heart but just getting over not having here physically is so much harder than I thought.

Last week we went to pick up her ashes and it was nice to finally be bringing her home but again so hard to come to terms with not being able to hold her again in my arms. My faith in God has never been so strong like it is now. I never really gave much thought to heaven because I honestly feared death, I knew it was a place that existed but now it is place I think about and a place that I do not fear because I know there is someone so special waiting there for me. I sometimes think maybe this happened to me so that God can get it through to me that heaven is real and that I should not be so afraid to leave this earth. I do not know everyday I try to think of a single reason why this happened to us.

My heart aches knowing that there are so many mothers out there that have been through this and are going to go through this. People can tell you it will be ok but will it ever? Ok means what? You move on and take things day by day but does that mean your life is Ok and that your heart will no longer ache? Does Ok mean that you will no longer want to hold your baby again? I know it is hard for people to say the right words but there are none. A simple hug I think sometimes says more than words can. Oh yeah for people who say “you are young you can always have another one,” think before you speak, especially when the wound is so new. That is so hurtful because my baby is not replaceable to me matter what. I know people mean well but sometimes no words are better. For all the mother’s who have left me messages THANK YOU so much because your words really do get to me because you have also walked this path unfortunately. Your support has been overwhelming and I am forever grateful.

There is much to share

Monday, we had to go to the mortuary (a place I really dread) to pick out the readings for the mass and to drop off the bassinet we were going to put Sami in. Since we wee there I was longing to see my baby so I asked if I could dress her since we were going to dress her Tuesday morning. Greg the person helping us was more than happy to give us as much time as we needed with her. Initially seeing her brought me so an uncontrollable sobbing but once I held her in my arms I was actually OK. Holding my baby felt so good but at the same time it was a little weird because I knew Sami was no longer with us. Her body was there but her soul was already somewhere else. I think that is what brought me peace, knowing she was already in a better place that we were not able to provide for her.

Before she was born we had bought her two gowns because we were not sure how big she was going to be when she was born and thank goodness we did because we got her first one a little dirty from the make up they had put on her. So we had to dress her in the second one, it was a little long but still it fit her so well and she looked so angelic in it. We had to remove the stitching from the back of the bonnet because her head had that mass on the side but it still looked so pretty on her little head. They had wrapped her little head so we were not able to see her gorgeous dark hair but that is OK. We have many pictures of that so that we cannot forget that. As were dressing her so many thoughts crossed my mind but I held up surprising well and we both must have told her we loved her about a thousand times! Walking out of there was so hard but I knew I would get to see her again on Tuesday. So again I had to talk to myself to keep it together.

Tuesday morning… I was up so early because I was not able to sleep so well. My husband and I got there really early because we wanted to spend sometime alone with her again and I am so glad for that time. The minute I walked in I picked her from her bassinet and held her in my arms. Part of me was in denial that I was there and really going through that. It almost does not seem real to be in that situation, I even had to ask my husband, “Are we really here?” It is cruel that parents have to go through such pain but for some of us it is our reality. Little by little people stared to show up and we had to move to a bigger room. I walked her to the other room and looking back now I really do not remember that, it is weird. Eventually I had to place her back into the bassinet and I just sat there staring at her. Keeping from sobbing out loud was a little hard but I managed to it well. I had moments of smiles but mainly tears. I do not how many tissues I went through. Again, it is a cruel thing to go through in life.

There were so many people at the service it was really nice to see how much my Sami meant to people. We had a friend of ours sing and play his guitar so that really nice, hard to not cry during those moments. My little nieces were there and I was not sure how they were going to handle seeing Sami since they are still very young. I was so proud of them because through their tears they still managed to go up and see her but it really broke my heart to see their pain. I cannot comprehend what happened so I can only imagine how in their young minds had to process that. Thank God Sami looked so peaceful in her bassinet. She looked like she was a very peaceful sleep, so I hope that helped them see she is in a better place.
As the end of service was coming closer I really started to have a harder time because I knew the moments were near that I would have to forever say goodbye to my baby. As soon as everyone came by to pay their respects to us, it felt as I leaped over to her and held her once more. That is when I really had a hard time. I did not want to let her go. I held on to her so tight and kissed her so many more times. My husband was next tome telling me I had to let her go but I could not do it, my arms did not want to let her go. I was frozen and so much in pain at that moment. Everyone was outside waiting for us to release 100 pink and white balloons (100 minutes we had with her, here on earth). I knew I had to let go and I eventually did but walking out of there was devastating. Walking outside and getting some fresh air was nice and it felt good in a way, I think I really needed that. The balloons were released and one white balloon led the rest of the balloons. They all stuck together, I wish I had a picture of that. It was beautiful; the significance behind it reassured me again that Sami is home now. That put a smile on my face.

Before we left for my brother’s house for an early dinner, we stopped by the children’s burial section to put flowers on their graves. Sami received so many flowers that we decided to leave some there for other babies who have passed. It was nice to see Julian take part in that although he did take a lollipop from one grave! They had just had a birthday and the baby’s parents left little candy bags and of course Julian found them. Oh Julian, he keeps me smiling everyday. One funny thing he never wanted the lollipop opened he just held on to it, as a matter of fact just yesterday I found in it in our truck and threw it away! Anyhow, at my brother’s house we were again surrounded by so much love and support it was amazing. Thank you everyone for the support, you have no idea how much that means to us. This is a long one I said and I apologize for going on and on but I just had to share.

Dreading tomorrow

I cannot even sleep knowing that tomorrow will be the day I have to say goodbye to my little angel. Yesterday was a day of reflection since we were putting together some programs and some collages of the pictures that were taken. I am so lucky to have so many pictures. I also got a video and the picture CD from Michelle (NILMDTS). She was wonderful and got them back to me so fast, I cannot thank her enough because all the pictures came out beautiful and the video she put together just brings to tears. My little one is so beautiful!

It has been one week today and the pain seems to get worse as these days go by. I wold have thought that after all these months I would have somewhat been prepared for this but I guess NO ONE can never be prepared for this heartache. I have to keep telling myself that she is a better place now and that one day I will see her again. I feel so bad for parents who have to go through this when the passing of a loved one comes as a shock, I cannot imagine that. It seems like my tears are endless and again it comes and goes. Everyday is different and everyday it is something knew that triggers my tears. It seems like Julian knows that his mommy and daddy are hurting because if he sees us cry he will always stay back for a little bit then come to rub our back with one of his gentle hugs. That little guys has gotten us through this past few days like you would not believe. With him I do not have time to sit and just cry. I want to just stay in bed and do nothing but he keeps me going. I still have to be a mom and care for him, he knows something big happened but as his young age not the full extent of it. As a gift someone gave him a book that is perfect because it helps siblings understand about a baby's passing. The book is called "We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead."

Today we have to go drop stuff off at the mortuary to get things ready, not looking forward to that either, I hate going to that place. Tomorrow morning we have to go and dress our little girl (my choice of course). I am actually looking forward to that because I get to hold her in my arms once again. How am I going to do for the rest of the service is beyond me. I know God will help me through this again because he has been with me the whole way.

Now a little message for people who are not sure what to do or how to approach us because of what we are going through... Please do not let us walk alone through this heartache. Most people assume we want to be left alone but it's the opposite, being alone just makes it harder at times. A simple phone call or a visit is always welcomed, if we need the space we will let you know. Feel free to talk about Sami, she is a part of us now and we never want her life to be forgotten. To us she will live forever.

What a week!

I am still in a daze, is this really happening? There are moments when I feel like I cannot breath and then in a split second I get this calmness come over me and it makes me feel so much better. A true roller coater of emotions fill up my body.

Sunday, we decided to take Julian to Disneyland for a little bit. I really did not walk all that much, I sat and waited for them to get on the rides. Well that night while trying to go to sleep, I sat up somewhat screamed and then my water broke (11:20pm, same time my water broke with Julian). It was like my body knew it was going to happen the split second before it even happened. I started to panic and cry and tell my honey that I was not ready yet. He held my hand and told me I could get through this, I just needed to take a deep breath and relax. I rushed into the shower and really started to panic in there. Julian came in and was crying for the baby and he just wanted to hold and kiss my stomach, he knew something big was about to happen. That just added more to my non-stop crying. I was trying to rush out of the house but the fluid wouldn't stop! I had to change like three times. Finally, we were on the road, I called the hospital so they could be ready for our arrival. We dropped Julian off with my brother Ernie. We arrived at the hospital about 1 AM. Still fluid coming out of like crazy. Once I got there the contractions really started and so did a sense of calmness. My honey and I both felt it. Cheryl our triage nurse was wonderful. At that time I was 4cm and she said I would have the baby by 7am. I was in denial especially since with Julian I had the longest labor ever.

I decided to go with epidural and again it did not work like with Julian. I am not a good candidate for that stuff. Either way I did not need it. The pains were not as bad and it was not even pain I felt it was more pressure than anything. At around 3:45 I asked them to check me because the pressure was so bad and sure enough, Sami's head was visible, we were ready to go! I had to try so hard to not freak out at that time. They asked me if I wanted to try to push or just wait a little bit for the doctor, I opted to wait for a little more. I waited about one hour then I just knew I had to let go. My sister got there about the same time the doctor did. It was showtime and at that moment there was a presence in the room that I cannot describe. All of a sudden I had sudden strength and this overwhelming peace come over me. In about three pushes pure perfection came out of me. That part is still a little bit of a blur but the doctor's checked her so fast and placed my Lauren Samantha upon my chest. I could only cry happy tears, I was so happy and so in love in that instead moment. I could only describe that feeling as beautiful. I held her in me for 37 weeks and to actually have her in my arms is a feeling that I cannot put into words. There are no words to describe that feeling of perfect...

With all going on, the NICU doctors realized that Sami really never had encephalocele!! Sami was supposed to be a twin and the mass attached to her little head was that, a brother or sister, the egg must of never split correctly. On the mass you can clearly see another ear and an eye. It was so comforting to know that is what really happened. Either way it is a bad situation but I least I know she is not alone.

For one hour and forty minutes, Sami showed me what peacefulness really means. In that moment I was just overwhelmed by her strength and courage. I must of told her I loved her about a thousand times and it still did not seem like enough. At 6:44 am she left to be with God and I knew it. I did not cry at that time because she just seemed so at peace. My baby girl had left us physically but will forever be a part of me. These past few months have been so challenging but I would never take it back, I have been forever changed because of Sami. Now I know what the other loss mamma's talk about. I give it to them because this is so hard to come to terms with.

I have to say the hardest part is when the mortuary people knocked on that door and took her from me. I thought I was going to die, that hurt so much I wish I could block that out of my mind forever. Seeing my husband strap her into her car seat just killed me. He was so strong to do that with me crying uncontrollably. He was able to manage and then come comfort me. He has been so strong and wonderful in all of this, he hurts just as much as I do and still he continues to set his feelings aside to make sure I am OK.

We were blessed to have family and friends stop by throughout the day, I needed the company because being alone it still very hard for us. In the middle of the night I finally had my breakdown moment. I was was shaking, crying, my temperature was weird and my blood pressure was up and down. My nurse Maryann was very understanding and very concerned but she just knew it was my hormones. It was scary, I woke up Larry and scared him to death because he had no idea what was going on with me. I held up well during the day but at night it hit me hard. Sitting there at the hospital without my baby was so hard for me. They came to pick her up around 4pm so I had her for a long time. I wish I had longer but I knew I had to let her go before her little body started to change in color. I did not want to see that.

The next day I could not wait to leave that hospital and walk out with empty arms. My nurse Judith was so nice and she broke down too. Made me feel good that they too felt my pain and were not afraid to show it. I forgot to mention Angie the delivery nurse, she was amazing. So for all the nurses that made this experience as best as possible, THANK YOU! Your care and concern meant so much to Larry and myself.

I have gone and on but I wanted to right some of this before I forget. Again, thank you to EVERYONE for the wonderful love and support.

Services for Sami will be held on Tuesday, November 3rd. Viewing from 10am - 12pm and Mass will begin at 12:30pm.

Queen of Heaven Mortuary
2161 S Fullerton Road,
Rowland Heights, CA
(626) 964-1291.

Lauren Samantha Delgado

I wanted to let everyone know that my angel from above arrived on Monday, October 26Th 2009 at 5:04 am and went to be with God at 6:44 am. In one hour and forty minutes she showed me what love, peace and strength are like no one has ever done. I am a very proud mommy! Sami weighed 4lbs and was 15.5 in long!!!



At this moment it is a little difficult to write in detail, however I will because I never want to forget this experience for my self. I am still walking around in a daze not really sure if I really comprehend what has happened.

My husband and I would like to thank everyone for their unconditional love and support these past few days.

Almost at the finish line....

Today I went to see my doctor and he said he thinks I should be having Sami in about a week or so. That really scares me because I feel I still need more time with her. Physically I am exhausted and ready to go but mentally I am so not there yet. There are days when I think I am ready but realistically I am not because I am so scared. In a few days all this will be over and my life will be forever changed. In these past few months I have seen so many changes within myself and to think there are so many more to come. Not knowing what to expect scares the crap out of me. I love this little girl more than life itself and the thought of having to let her go just kills me. It is not fair that I have to even think of letting her go. Call me selfish if you will but I am not ready to do that just yet and well I do not think any parent ever is.
It is all in God's hands and I have to trust in him to get me through and I know that when she is ready she will let me know. In a way she is doing that now. I cannot wait to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her but at the same time I know that at that point I am also going to have to say goodbye. How do I do that? I have had so long to prepare for this you would think I would be somewhat ready for that. I really thought I was until the doctor told me it will be soon. Now I am starting to panic. I have to keep telling myself I will get through this and I will be OK. This is something that is just going to make me a stronger person.

Since last week I have given a lot of thought of the whole burial versus cremation and in my heart I think it is only right to go with cremation. I cannot imagine myself having to visit her at the cemetery. For some people it feels right but going to the cemeter the other day just did not feel right. I think she needs to come home with us. I have not thought of what I would do with her ashes, maybe one day I will find the perfect place for her or who knows maybe her perfect place will be at home with us forever. I figure one step at a time but as of now I think cremation will be best. My honey and I have discussed it over and over and we both agree so that makes me really happy.

This is my point she is not here yet and I already to have think of this stuff. I cannot believe it sometimes. My head just cannot get used to that idea even though I know it is my reality. Today I am an emotional wreck and I am so tired tired.

Can anything else happen to me?

So again another sleepless night, thanks to me being itchy. My doctor was at the hospital so he asked me to go straight there when I called him in the morning. Great another Monday at the hospital. I started having contractions on the way over there but I figured it was because I was nervous (hospital's make me nervous) well no.... I was getting some pretty good contractions and I have started to dialate. I am only at 1cm and there is no turning back now. The day is getting closer for us. I know it could take a while but still. I am closer to the finish line than I expected. Well there at the hospital they drew some blood and gave me a shot of something or other to help with the itching. It made me feel really drunk. I was given a prescription for cholestasis medication. I figured it had to be that, the itching is not normal.

I sat there in triage and could not help but laugh... who has itchy elbows and knees? My luck I feel like this can only happen to me. With all this stuff happening it is starting to make me laugh, what else can I do right? Sami was having fun, moving away from the heart monitor. The nurse was trying to get a good steady beat but Sami had her own plans. I asked them to remove it, she was not going to cooperate and I was just getting itchier.

So I was finally released, thank God it was not an all day event there. I am starting to feel a little better but it the itchiness is still there. I hope it will go away soon so that I can get some sleep. I am so tired...

Oh what a week

Wow, what a week I had!!! First Monday I was completely at my breaking point. I had not slept; I was the worst pain ever. I called my OB doctor in the morning and he told me to go to straight to the hospital which we did. There... I was having mild contractions, I was not dilating (which is good), my breathing was little off but it was not bad. The nurse in triage was super nice and she was trying to help me as much as possible because she knew how uncomfortable I was. Once my doctor seen me he called the Parenatologists to come drain some of the fluid because it was way too much for me to handle. When he finally came back to tell me they were going to drain some fluid, I just sat there and cried, FINALLY!!!!! That took a while because the doctors were going at it but it worked out for me. I was moved to new room and finally I was closer to feeling better. I was annoyed because the parenatologists took forever and when she got there she asked why I had not come in sooner... did I not just see her on Friday? I had gotten there at 11 am, I had not really eaten and by the time she got there it was already 6pm!! I was not in the best of moods by this point. Finally after while she was able to figure out how to use the new kit provided for her for a Thoracentesis as she called it, it took a very long hour and half to drain out 4 litters of fluid from me. It was painful however I instantly started to feel better. I wish I would have ate something and probably had more fluids but the point was that finally my belly had some room and I hopefully going to be able to get some sleep!!
Well the following two days were a bit challenging but thank God for my mom who was making sure I was resting and not having to run around after Julian. I was getting contractions, I was not able to control my body temperature which was really odd but it was not high enough to go back to the hospital. I was feeling better in a sense but at the same time not so much it was really weird for me. Then since my honey had taken the days off to be with me we decided we had to go the mortuary to finalize things. My brother had gone but they said they could not do anything until we, the parents went to sign. Why I decided to go this week is beyond me but I am glad that is over. Now I am torn between having to bury her or cremate her, I seen a casket and it absolutely freaked me out and almost gave me a panic attack so I really to need re think things. That is a whole other issue.

Now Thursday, I am getting home sick because there is nothing like being at home but at the same time, still not feeling well and feeling a little depressed I knew it was best to stay with my mom. Finally Friday.... I am feeling better but now I have a cold and I am itchy all over. I am still having trouble sleeping but I am feeling better which is good. Emotionally I am drained... this week has been so long. I have come to realize that these next few weeks are only going to get harder. Now that I can move better and get around easier I am starting to notice Sami moving so much more which makes me feel so much better. I cannot help touching my belly all the time.

Friday morning, I went to the doctor and all is well, thank goodness. My friend stopped to visit at my mom’s and the company was very much well received. A few hours to talk and just be normal was nice for a change. Being home feels so good and I came home to find that one of my brothers sent me flowers so that was really nice. My house smells fresh and I like it.

I have decided that from this point on I am going to concentrate on Julian's birthday party since that is coming up in a few weeks. No matter what happens in the next few weeks, my little guy will have his birthday party. It may not be big but he will have some memories of his second birthday. Now it is Sunday and I actually feel well rested for once, I actually got a good night’s sleep which my body desperately needed. I am still itchy like crazy especially my hands and feet however I am trying everything in my power to take control of that. It has to go away because I am not going to let that be the one factor that does not let me rest. So for today’s agenda…. Going to take Julian to the pumpkin patch. Thank you everyone for being to nice and understanding this week.

I did not get the fluid drained!

Well yesterday at the doctor's they were not able to drain the fluid. I am carrying over three times the normal amount! My breathing is fine so that is not a concern for them which made them decide it would be best to just make me wait. I was very sad by that because I just cannot tolerate this pain anymore however, Sami is not ready just yet so I have to give her her time. She is in position, so far down they were not able to even see her head anymore! Because I have so much fluid not much of her was even visible in the ultrasound. I did however get a good glimpse of the little foot that hurts me all day! I had to ask them "what the heck is here (top of my belly) because this hurts constantly" and sure enough her little foot... I have been having contractions more often but they are not consistent or that strong yet. The doctor was very surprised that I have not gone into labor yet. My blood pressure is normal, my feet are not swollen so in there eyes, I am fine. They understand the discomfort but they do not feel like my health is at risk.

As much as I want to hold on to her, I feel like I just cannot continue this for that much longer. It is all in God's hands but I pray everyday that it happens sooner than later at this point. Maybe my body is going through this so that I am able to be ready in some way. Right now at this point in time, I can say that I am ready. It makes me feel a little bad thinking that way but it is the truth.

I want to say THANK YOU to everyone for all the nice messages and for showing so much support. It really means so much to me.

I dread the nights

I have been home now for a few days and it is so overwhelming. I feel like I have so much to do and not enough energy to get it all done. Julian has been sick with the flu and that has not been fun but thank goodness he is getting better now. I am totally sleep deprived and feeling the affects of it. I dread the nights because I am so unconfortable and in so much pain. I have to sleep sitting up and for me that is nearly impossible. I get in about two hours then it is time to switch positions and that takes me a while to get comfortable again, then it is time to repeat again... Horrible!!! I have a doctor appointment tomorrow and I am crossing my fingers that they will be able to drain this fluid because I cannot deal with the pain any longer. I called this morning and I am waiting for a call back from them. I am exhausted, grumpy and ultra emotional so I need something that is going to make me feel better. Today I decided to really get everything ready, like washing Sami's clothes and packing her bag. Two weeks a go I did it in a rush but I have time now to really get it ready and make sure I have everything I will possibly need for myself and her.

Some days it just does not seem real to me. One day I feel like I am ready and the next I feel like I am not. My heart is so torn and I know that is normal but how will life be like after this? I wonder what is going to be my new normal, my new life! So many things to think about and take in. One good thing is that little by little I feel like I am not as scared as I once was. Perhaps because I do not have a choice but go through this, it is what is. I have put all my faith into this, although some people may differ with me on that. I will not mention any names but I have been informed of someone close to me who has said that this is all happening because they believe my faith is not strong enough, God is full of miracles but I just have to trust in him and obviously I am not! You have no idea how much that has hurt my feelings. I would not be able to do this if my faith was not strong enough and if I did not believe in God. God, works in my mysterious ways and for some of us it does not always mean a happy ending and I have learned to accept that. That does NOT have anything to do with how strong my faith or isn't!
I know it is difficult for people to understand what it is really like to be in my shoes right now and I have to try to remember that because it can change my personal relationships with people and I do not want that. I tend to be the "I can do it myself" person and accepting help from people is usually hard for me but I know that in the days to come I will need that extra help. I do not know how to have people care for me especially in this situation because I feel that people will do it because they feel sorry for me. I do not need anyone to feel sorry for me. I know that I am loved and people just want to reach out a helping hand but is so hard for me to just be accepting of that. Sometimes I just want to be left alone and at the same time I just someone to listen to me cry and tell me it is going to be OK. I have come so far now and I have been so strong but as the days go by I just feel like am losing that strength little by little.

As I sit here typing away, while listening to the radio of course Julian sees me crying and oh my little boy... He put his head on tummy, grabbed my hand and had me dance with him! I have just melted, he is the reason why I have to be strong, he is the reason why I have to be able to handle this and just the best person I can possibly be. So I will be on my way... my little guys needs his mommy right now. I will keep you posted with my appointment tomorrow.