I did it!!!

I survived the hospital visit. Walking in was a little weird. Room 302 where Julian was born was open and vacant. Thankfully the little nursery for sick babies was also vacant. That made me feel better to know that at that moment there wasn't a mom crying or worried for her baby. Everything was peaceful and calm and the nurses at the nurses station seemed to be in a jolly mood.

I held my breath as I opened to door to my friend's room and in a second I let out a sigh of relief. I feel a little bad that I didn't look at the baby instantly but went to give her a hug first. There he was a sleeping healthy baby boy. Something about seeing him just calmed my nerves, he just seemed so at peace. I sat and chatted with her and her husband and then it began, he started to fuss and cry. I wasn't planning on picking him up but they were not getting up either, it was awkward for a little bit until I convinced myself that I could do it. Maybe the feeling of being able to comfort him would bring me comfort and it did. I tried to get him as comfortable as possible but he was still not having it, he was one hungry little guy. He was like a little bird trying to find food, it was cute. I was going to hand him over to his mom but she handed me a bottle instead. So I grabbed it and started to feed him. I did just fine, he was eating away. It was nice to see such an innocent little being, nothing to worry about except for eating. He quickly finished his bottle and he burped away. I gently placed him back and said my goodbyes.

I am glad my visit was short and sweet. It actually felt good walking out of there knowing that I was able to actually hold a baby without crying my eyes out. It was easier I think because he is a boy, had it been a little girl I know I would not have the strength to be that brave. With time I am sure I will feel differently. It feels like a ton of bricks has been lifted of my shoulders. You have idea how much this was weighing on me. Who would have ever thought that holding and seeing a baby can take so much energy out of someone, especially since before I would volunteer to hold any newborn. I won't be taking care of babies anytime soon but I have taken one giant step ahead for now.

Thank you so much for all the support.

Wish me luck...

I can do this…. My co worker just had her son yesterday and I am going to attempt to visit her today. I am a little scared only because she delivered at the same hospital where Julian was born and I did not have the best experience there. I think this little visit is just going to remind me how sad I was at that hospital but I am going to try to not think of that. I was devastated to see Julian being taken out of there by ambulance to another hospital. How helpless I felt because there was nothing I could do for him. Julian was not breathing well because he has meconium in his lungs. Sami’s apgar scores were better than his, Julian was blue when he was born and was breathing under 10 breaths per minute. It was a really hard to watch him struggle to breath especially when that could have been avoided if the doctor would have just done a c-section many hours before. I was terrified to say the least. After 33 hours of labor I don’t know how I managed to get the strength to get up and be by his side while they were trying to get his stable and find a hospital to send him to. It never crossed my mind that delivering at a small hospital without a NICU was probably not wise. I remember when we did the hospital tour and they showed us the room where they would put the baby in if there were to be an emergency. I am never one to speak up and ask questions but I did because it kind of scared to see such a small space for that. I asked where they would be taken to and what type of transportation would be used. I didn’t plan on needing those services. A hard lesson learned, thank God Julian is doing well now and nothing major happened to him. Soon after that I changed my doctors so that I could have one who would deliver my future baby at a bigger facility, maybe I jinxed myself because I picked one that specializes is high risk and well we all know that story. Why can’t I just come home with a healthy baby in my arms? One day, one day, I just need to think positive and remind myself that good things can happen to me once again.

I can do this, I can’t avoid babies forever. After last week I need to do this for myself. I need to face it, deal with it and be able to move on so that I can avoid another anxiety attack like last week. I managed to go into the store and walk through the baby section to get her son a little gift. It was not bad and I assume because it was a boy, had it been a girl I would have been crying. I was seriously in and out of there quickly, so fast that I did not even notice the baby girl stuff. That Target visit was the fastest I have ever done, my husband would be so proud. So back to the point, I am going to face my hospital fears and take her some lunch. Wish me luck!!!

Just wanted to share

I have been meaning to post these lovely pictures to show off my necklace that Heather made for me at In our Heart Pendants. I wear it proudly all the time. Heather Thank you so much, I have gotten so many compliments when I wear it.

Happy 5th month Birthday is Heaven my angels...

I miss you everyday baby girls. I love you more and more everyday. Not a moment goes by that I do not think of you and remember that precious little face of yours. It feels like just yesterday I gazed into your little eyes. The past few months have been really difficult for me without you here but I know that today you walk along side Jesus and you are taken care of better than I could have ever taken care of you. You and Faith are together rejoicing in our heavenly kingdom with no pain and suffering and that brings me so much comfort. I often sit and think about the magical place you both call home, I can’t even begin to imagine all the beauty that you both are surrounded by.
There are days when the selfish part of me is angry that I do not get to see you laugh and play and then it seems like you find a way to let to me how happy and at peace you are and it calms me down. I know God loves you so much that he could not be without you. I have heard many people say “God always takes the good one’s first” and that is so true because you’re perfect in everyway, you are way too good for this world.

Sami, your strength just makes me so proud of you. For 38 weeks you carried the weight for you and your sister Faith and I know that was not an easy task for you. I am amazed that with your broken little heart and your hurt little tummy you managed to still be with me for 1 hour and 40 minutes. I can still hear those precious little sounds you made; it is still music to my ears. You never showed that you were in any pain or had any type discomfort. Perhaps you just did not want me to see you hurt because you know how weak your mommy can sometimes be. I honestly do not know how you did it, you were one strong little girl! You definitely showed me what it is to be strong. When you left to be with God you closed your little eye and peacefully went to sleep. At that time my heart knew you had received your angel wings but in my head I just could not accept the fact that you were no longer here. I am sorry that I cried so much over you when I should have just let you see and feel the joy you brought into my life. How I wish I could have done something to save you and cure all your ills. I am sorry I could not do more for you. You were here only for a brief moment with me but you filled my heart with so much joy and love to last a lifetime.

Thank you so much for always being with your big brother Julian. You always make sure he knows you are with Jesus and now with your Tia Marie. I love those days when he lets me know he can see you and feel you near by. Those moments always make me smile. I love you, I love you, and I love you! I can say that a million times but it will never be enough to prove to you how much I really mean that.

I promise you that as long as there is a breath in me, I will never forget you. I cannot wait for the day we can meet each other again my sweet angels. For now please continue to watch over us. Sweet dreams my little angels…

I love you forever,
I like you for always
As long as I am living
My baby you will be…





Why did you take her? I cry to God. He said, she wasn't yours to keep. But why her? Why did you have to choose her?” quietly I plea. I didn't choose her, I chose you” His answer boldly came. I don't understand” I replied. And He answered me once AGAIN; I needed a mother for an angel. Not just any person would do. I needed someone very special, and that's why I chose you. I needed someone with strength of heart, and courage beyond compare. I needed someone I could rely on who wouldn't be afraid to care. A person that sees beyond the pain, and understands the hurt. To be a mother to an angel is the grandest of My work.
I saw in you, all these things. You were perfect for the job. I didn't know quite what to say, and all I could do was sob. Don't cry, My child, I know this is hard, but it is all a part of My plan.
I've been with you along the WAY; I've never stopped holding your hand.
'This job is tough and not meant to be easy, even now that My angel is home.
And you've made Me so proud to see how in faith and love you have grown.
I will always be near and you have a special place,
for becoming a mother to an angel of grace.
My heart became still, my mind was at peace; the answer had become clear.
I finally understood it all; the reason I was here.
Thank you, God, for seeing in me what I could not.
Your will is done and my service to You, will never stop.' And God said, 'I know

Author Unknown

Back to square one

I do not even know where to begin with post today. For starters this blog is my self therapy, my personal place to write whatever the heck I please. I am saying this for the people in the non baby loss world. If you do not like what I have to say or do not agree with something, sorry I am not apologizing for what I truly feel in my heart. Baby loss world is no easy task. You could say you understand what I feel when we talk but soon after we hang up you get to live your normal life again, I do not.

One of my brother’s and I are really close and we are able to share everything and anything, I love him so much. He has been my #1 supporter through out this crazy year of mine. A few months into my pregnancy he told me he was going to also have a baby but things were not looking good between him and the baby’s mom. Unfortunately for him he was not able to be a part of the pregnancy. I really hurt for him because I knew this really meant so much to him and at the same time he felt bad for me because of all the complications I was having. On October 16, 2009 my niece Camila came into this world, a perfectly healthy baby girl. It took my brother a while to actually hear of the news and actually get to meet his baby girl. Since then things have changed and he does get to see her now after a long wait. So on Tuesday after work he warned me that he was going to take his daughter over to my mom’s. This was going to be my first time meeting her. He has been really understanding in regards to me being nervous about seeing her since Camila and Sami were born only 10 days apart. On my drive to my mom’s I somewhat got myself prepared to meet her. There she was when I arrived, an adorable baby with the cutest little outfit on. I attempted to carry her but as I got closer I felt my lip quiver and I just could not do it. I really tried but I think if I would have carried her I would have made her cry because I know baby’s can sense people’s emotions. Making her cry was the last thing I wanted to do. I touched her little hand instead and because I felt so bad I busted out my camera and took tons of pictures of her. I was happy with myself because I was able to interact with her and I was completely ok with that. It was difficult because it make me think of all the things that I am missing out on. They are the same age and they would probably be doing the same little things right about now. I did not feel as bad because my brother did not take offense to me not being able to hold her. He was really understanding with it all. Did I mention that I love him? So Tuesday was a long day for me to say the least.

So yesterday I was still feeling a little blue but it was not as bad until… I decided to go visit my brother Carlos and the kids. I should have called before I went over there. My other brother’s ex wife was there for a visit with the kids. I have not spoken to her in a while but seeing her does not bother me for one bit. I have known her pretty much all my life. I seen her car in the driveway but I was not able to just go back home because the kids seen me, that would have just been really obvious. It was not her that I was avoiding at all but she also has a baby that is only 3 days older than Sami. I walked in and tried to make the best of my visit so I sat and chatted with my nice Melissa who was also there for a visit (our family is pretty close). Then I went and sat with my nephew and that it is when it stared to hit me. I tried to keep myself busy and check my email on my phone, well that did not help because there was an email from another loss mom describing how she felt two years after her son passed away ( not good). So gain I tried to make conversation but I really could not handle it. I was trying to control my breathing because I was starting to get hot and really shaky. Then my niece Cassandra came home and she went to pick up the baby and she was talking about how big he was. I know she did not do that to spite me in any way. It is just a normal thing to do when you see a baby. I think before I would have probably done the same thing. She came and asked me if I was ok, I think I was looking like I was not comfortable, I was honest and said no. At that point I felt like I was going to burst and it had only been a few minutes that I was there. It felt like the walls were closing in on me and I could not catch my breath. I was really having an anxiety attack and there was no stopping it. I literally ran out, I did not even grab Julian! I needed air and I could not get out fast enough. I am glad my nephew brought Julian out for me, poor Julian he was not even ready to leave yet. I had not cried like that or felt that way in such a long time it actually scared me.

Not having my honey close by did not help. I wanted to be able to go to him so he could hug me but instead I had to call him. He always has a way to calm me down and make me feel better but at this point nothing would have helped. I was really having a breakdown. He was in another place, away from all of this in some casino in Laughlin Nevada for work. He tried to calm me down but I just needed to go through this on my own. I want to be able escape like him to a place where I am not going to reminded that my five month old daughter is not here with me. I only talked to him briefly because I could here all this noise in the background since he was out having dinner with his co-workers. I just wanted to run, run to some place that was going to make everything better.

I am not very good at showing my emotions in front of people. I felt so embarrassed that I had actually caused a little scene. It is really not like me to do something like that. I am normally so composed and I seem to be living life like everybody else. Perhaps that is why people never bother to ask how I am doing huh? Or maybe by reading my blog they know I am not well most days so why bother to ask right? At this point I do not care. I do not expect anyone who has never lost a child to understand that things for me will never be fine. For the rest of my life I am going to live with this heartache. Yes, I have gone back to work, I have gone to family parties, I even smile and laugh every so often but that does not mean that I have moved on and that I am fine. Yesterday just reassured me that I still have a long way to go. I know that I cannot avoid seeing little babies but I was already having a shitty week and then seeing not one but two babies the same age as Sami just drove me over the age. The baby's mom's get to go home enjoy their son and daughter, they get to complain how tired they are because the baby did not let them sleep enough at night, they get to hold and kiss them whenever they want, what do I get? I get to come home and cry into the receiving blanket that once touched Sami's skin. Back to square one.

Julian misses Sami

My honey is out of town for work, he just left yesterday and I am already sad. He will be gone for the month but he will be able to come home for Easter this time. I am glad because last Easter without him was lonely. Today I am having a real emotional day and it sucks because at work I have to hide my emotions. I don’t work with people who I feel I can really open up to. To them I lost a child, yes they feel for me but that is it. My child’s name is never mentioned, they never ask how I am doing. They just assume that I am still the old me. Little do they know, that will never be. In a way I don’t care that they don’t care either, is that weird? I guess it’s because I work with people who I know will not be in my life forever and that is OK with me.

I think what triggered by mood was this morning with Julian. I was packing some clothes to stay at my mom’s to avoid the one hour drive this week while Julian was watching his morning show on the Sprout channel. I was about to zip up the bag when he handed me Sami’s blanket that I sleep with and he told me “mom, baby.” It amazes me how much he pays attention to things. It’s not like we ever told him that the receiving blanket is Sami’s or anything he just knows. It just makes me sad because he remembers her and thinks of her so often. Just like her urn, he just knows that is the baby, never wants to play with it, as a matter of fact the few times he has come close to the bear he just kisses it. Weird because at the hospital he didn’t want to get to close to her, but he did get close enough to share his cheerios with her! It hurts me because Sami is not here with us to be able to feel the love he has for her. I could only imagine how all of this would have impacted him if he was a little bit older. Julian is only 2 and he so aware things are not the way they are supposed to be. He knows that there is someone missing for our family. It just breaks my heart that we don’t have her here with us. I miss her so much and Julian does too. He would be such a great big brother to her. I am sad that he doesn’t get to share his life with her. I had so many dreams for both of my kids.

Then at work today I was looking through my old emails and I found so many old emails from Marie. Then it reminded me that I had another dream of her and I was pregnant. I think she is trying to tell me something because I have had at least three dreams like that with her. I love having dreams of her but it makes me sad because that is all I have now. I miss her so much. I often catch myself forwarding emails to her like before or even wanting to call her, I can’t get myself to erase her number from my cell phone. It’s been one month without her and it feels like forever. So much heartache is such a short period of time, it’s not fair. I wish things could be so different. At mass this weekend I really felt her presence there and then they sang a song that just made me cry because she loved that song and they sang it at her service too. On Saturday it was exactly one month since she passed away. It just reminded me of the day she passed. As soon as we left the hospital we went straight to mass (Marie always attended Saturday mass and was a eucharist minister) and we felt her there so much. It was already an emotional day to begin with and then they sang one of her favorite songs from church. It just assured us she was with God already. Marie’s faith was so strong and she was such a he part of church. Is today almost over? I am just so sad today remembering Sami and Marie.

And so it begins...

Last year on this day I was getting ready to go camping. My husband and I were running errands all day. Around lunch time it just hit me "I am pregnant!" I told him and he looked at me like I was crazy. I am not sure why since we had been trying. In between our errands I made him stop at the store to buy a test. We still continued about our day, I was tired, hungry and a little scared. We had been planning for another baby but I did not think it would happen that quickly. Julian was still so small and if I was right on my calculations he would be sharing his 2nd birthday. I think I was just feeling like maybe I wasn't ready to handle to little one's after all. Thinking about it now, I wish those thoughts never crossed my mind. It makes me feel a little guilty to think that I was scared to have Sami in my life.

After a long day out we finally got home and started packing up our trailer to get ready to leave. While my husband was outside I decided to take the test, I didn't want to wait until the morning (they say it's best to that test in the morning). I did it and there it was two very faint pink lines!!! My body had the natural signs of pregnancy yet at that moment my head didn't want to believe it. Seriously prior to that day I did not even think about being pregnant and all. Then all of sudden I wake up feeling very pregnant. I think Sami wanted to give me the heads up before we left camping in case I decided to drink a whole lot! So I went to go show my hubby... I walked into our garage and showed him my little test. He instantly hugged me, I then started to cry a bit (that is when I got emotional). He looked at it and said wait "you are not pregnant both lines have to be pink!" The part of me that wanted to be pregnant knew he was wrong but the scared part of me wanted to believe that I was not pregnant. It was weird.. then I got even more emotional because I had shared the news with my honey without doing anything cute like I did when I told him I was pregnant with Julian. He just hugged me and laughed and he said "oh gosh maybe you are pregnant because you are already crying over silly things."

Well camping wasn't fun, I was so sick and seriously felt like crap. At that point I just knew it. I did not need to take another test, morning sickness was in full swing (I do not miss that part once bit). For my own piece of mind that Sunday morning I took the other test and there it was two very dark pink lines... I was officially pregnant, the lines were no longer faint. I woke him up my little test again and he then he got emotional. That was a cute moment that I will not forget because he was half asleep. We were trying to get everything ready to leave but I just couldn't get out of bed. My niece Cassandra was very honest and told me "you look like shit" I felt it she didn't need to tell me but I love her for her honesty. That was another funny moment, she asked me if I was pregnant and I told her "no way," I was lying but I didn't want to say anything until I went to go see the doctor. My husband on the other hand went and told his best friend Richard while they were having breakfast. He said he couldn't wait to share the news. Since he told his friend, I had to call someone so on my way to work the next morning I remember calling Marie to share my news. She was so excited for us. I made my appointment to see the doctor later that week. I was already 10 weeks along!!! I had an ultrasound and there she was this tiny, tiny active little being. She was already moving like crazy. At that point I was so excited and I could not wait to share my news with everyone. I officially told my family on Easter Sunday. I was sad because my honey was out of town and was not there to share the joy with me. That day after church I changed Julian into a t-shirt with two little monkey's on it and it said "I am not monkeying around, I am going to be a big brother." It took a while for some of my family to get it but once they did they were like I knew it!!! How I miss the happy moments of my pregnancy.

And so it begins with my "this time last year..." I cannot believe how much my life has changed it just one year. So many highs and lows, so much happiness and sadness.
Today ends winter and springs begins (more like summer in CA) and I want to believe that with the new season approaching good things will come.

I hate this Monday

This weekend went fairly well. I spoke to Andrea and she was able to open up and vent. She really needed that, I pray she has a better week ahead. That little girl is just amazing.

Yesterday we went to a store and we just happened to pass by the entrance of the hospital where I had Sami, it was weird because it instantly made me cry. I didn't even think about it the tears just came. I think it brought back many emotions for my husband too because without saying a word he just grabbed my hand and looked over at me. I love the fact that he doesn't get weirded out that something like that can make me cry. I love to know that I am not alone on those feelings. He really understands me. He doesn't have to cry for me to know that.

It is so crazy that I could get a rush of emotions through out my whole body by just passing by the entrance of that hospital. I have so many bitter sweet memories there. My parenatologist office was there so I was there quite often, hearing more bad news after another but on a happy note, I got to see her many times by ultrasound.

That wasn't what got to me though, it was the thought of knowing that is the only place Sami ever knew. It was the only place where I held her alive in my arms. It is the place where she was baptized at. It was the place where she made her little faces and let out the sweetest little sounds. It is the place where I felt God's presence and the place that made me feel completely at peace. It is the place where I cried like never before yes smiled so much because I finally held her in my arms. It was the place where I had the most powerful hour and 40 minutes of my life. in those few minutes as we drove by I was there again on October 26Th. A day that is forever engraved in my heart and the day that has completely changed who I am forever. Who would have thought that a hospital could be that place?

So today I am in one of my "I hate Mondays" mood. Monday's bring to that day as well. I sit and get sad that the weeks keep passing without Sami being here with me. This month she would 5 months. I often wonder how she would be, what she would look like by now. So many questions that I will never get answered. I hate this, I hate this Monday.

Thank you for making my day ladies...

A beautiful collage of Sami from Forever remembered photo collages












From Jill at Vermont Angels

From Misty at Heaven's Seashells















A special thank you to all you ladies who took time out of your day to think of my little Sami. You have no idea how much that touches my heart. God bless!

Learning to live a new life...

As an adult it is sometimes so hard for me to understand death. So I having an even harder time trying to make my God daughter Andrea understand why her mom was taken away so soon. She is just 10 years old. She shouldn’t have to be dealing with this now. She told me the other day it felt like her heart was going to pop out of her chest. When she said that it brought me back to those early feelings of loss, the days when the pain felt so unbearable that it felt like I couldn’t even catch my breath. I wish I was able to tell her that it would only take a few days for that pain to go away, that in a few days her life would be back to normal. We have no choice but to learn to live with such great pain, we have no choice in learning to live pretty much a new life. For Andrea her world was changed from one minute to the other. I can still hear her screams as she heard the news and walked in to see Marie in the hospital. It was so hard for me to have to stand there as she cried over her mommy, yelling at her to wake up, telling her mom that she promises to be a good girl from now on. I think of that so much because it kills me know that they have to live this pain forever. Her perfect world was taken from her at that moment. Prior to that day her biggest worry was getting homework done, now it is trying to learn to live without her mommy. I know with time her pain will not be as intense however I am sure she will always be able to go back to that exact moment and relive it again. A traumatic experience like is nearly impossible to forget.

At this moment Andrea is very angry. She had a meltdown the other night that consisted of her throwing things and a fit of crying, I get it. There are days when I want to do the same however I am able to talk myself out of it. She does not know how to do that quite yet. I hope she will soon for her own sanity. For the older two it is so frustrating because not only are they dealing with their own feelings but also trying to make sure that Andrea and Gabrielle are learning to cope the loss this loss positively. My brother is now a single parent who has to keep it all together for himself and his family, I feel his pain. The two older feel that they need to parent as well. I think because they are much older than the little one’s it is a natural thing to do. I feel the need to do that as well and I do not live in their home. Gabriel is finishing up his last semester in college and is completely overwhelmed, I feel his pain. Cassandra being the eldest just feels she needs to carry the burden for them all, she feels she needs to try to keep things are normal as possible, I feel her pain. They are all hurting and they are all right in feeling what they feel. This is so hard and it is killing me inside. Again, this makes it so hard not to question God’s plans for us. I feel like at this point I have officially given my all to faith because that is all I have to hold on to in order to be able to cope with all of this. I have to keep reminding myself that God is walking along side of me and my family. Sorry if this post is everywhere but that is how my mind has been these past few weeks. Have a good weekend everyone. I am going to make sure I set some special time for Andrea and I, I feel like I need to really give my time to her individually.

My funky dreams

Lately I have been having my funky dreams again. It has been nice because I have been dreaming a lot of Marie. I just can’t figure out if I know she is really gone in those dreams. They are so real, her voice, her gestures. The same dreams keeps happening, we are just looking through pictures. I wish there was a special meaning to them. Maybe there is but I cannot figure it out. Julian surprised me this weekend because he was watching Sami’s video (he loves to watch it) and while watching it he said his usual “baby ouchie” and points to his head. He knows something was wrong with her. Then he said said “Tia (aunt), baby, Jesus” I was like what? He said it twice! I haven’t really told him that his auntie is not here with us anymore! I tell you, my son sees things that I cannot. It makes me smile when I think of that because it confirms that they are together. Marie is with my baby girl, it brings me such peace.

Back to my dreams, I had dreams of me being pregnant (twice) and another one of me building a white crib (Marie was with me). It just got me thinking of a rainbow baby. Am I ready to try again? I am terrified, I know the chances of any complications are slim but they can happen again, I am not exception to that rule. The doctor said to give my body at least 6 months and well that would be after April, that is only next month! I wanted to give myself a year but if I wait the complete year Julian and baby will be 4 years apart, I always envisioned my baby’s closer in age. My brother Ernie and I are 3 years apart and it is great. I wish I knew that everything will be OK. Another thing that scares me is by having another baby, will that make people forget that Sami existed? I often feel that is happening now. It seems like her name is mentioned less and less. I am having a hard time with that since it has only been 4 months! I will post about that later. Another thing that worries me is if I do become pregnant again will people think that I am doing it to replace her? No one will ever replace her, but I know people come up with stupid ideas. I don’t even want to think about that one. I often wonder too, how will the pregnancy make me feel, happy, guilty? I hope if and when it does happen that I am at peace. I would like to enjoy it and not take one moment for granted like I did with Sami. It was a very painful journey but not a day went by that I didn’t thank God for such a blessing. I wish something inside of me would tell me that I am ready, that I can handle it and that I will love this child without ever feeling guilty.

My honey and I have talked about this more lately and we both are scared but we both feel like our family is not complete yet. There is still more to our story. When we were dating we said we were going to have 4 kids, 3 boys and 1 girl to be exact! I don’t know what our future holds but I do know we are not done yet. We do know that our future baby will know that someone came before, someone who touched our lives and someone who has changed our family forever. They will know that their big sister Sami will always be watching over him or her. Gosh how I wish things were different! I feel like I miss her more and more each day. Just a year ago this month I was overjoyed because I found out we were expecting. Now here I am with empty arms wishing I could hold her for just once second longer. Not a second goes by that I don’t think of her.

Please, please baby Hope in your prayers. She had her second surgery on Monday. You visit her mom’s blog Hope's Blog Thank you so much! She means so much to me.

Thank you Lisa at Waterfall Angel's

To my surprise I found this today and I wanted to share with you. I was excited and even added one the side bar of my blog.

Life should never be taken for granted.

It is crazy to think how much your life can be changed over night. My brother’s family was turned upside down without any warning. The services for Marie were held this past week and being there, seeing her still does not make it real for me. I feel that at any moment I am going to get a phone call from her or an email. Marie was really like a second mom to me in reality. I remember shopping for back to school clothes with her in elementary school and her taking me to go get ice cream all the time. She and my brother getting their house ready for my wedding, she insisted that I get ready there. Marie holding my hand and cheering me on as she tried to record Julian’s birth, I would have fallen apart if she wasn’t there with me. Her getting to the hospital as soon as possible to see Sami. I could see the pain in her eyes because she prayed so hard that she would be born OK. I know she felt my pain that day. So many moments in my life with her in it, big and small so it just makes it that much harder to really understand the meaning of her passing. I am glad that we were emailing each other on Thursday before she became ill and I am glad I sent her a little message on Valentine’s to tell her that I loved her. She meant so much to so many people, at her service there was over 830 people there in attendance!! It was beautiful to see how many people cared for her. The support my brother is getting is just breath taking. Marie was so special and she touched so many lives. My brother and the kids are holding up as best as they can. I try to put myself in there shoes because I could only imagine the pain they feel. They shared their everyday lives with her. My heart is completely torn because of this, imagine them? I don’t ask why this happened because I know I will never get an answer. I will take this as a lesson in never taking life for granted. Tell your family and friends how much you love and care for them because we just never know when it is our time. We are only here on borrowed time. I hate that saying but it is so true.

Prior to all this happening I had been in a little rut, feeling sorry for myself. I was angry, mad and of course sad because I felt like people didn’t care about what I was going through. Little by little the phone calls were not as often and Sami’s name was not mentioned as much and it was really bothering me. Now I look back and realize how silly of me to think that way. I know people care, I know they want to help me get through this but they just don’t know how to reach out. Now with my brother and his family going through this I feel like that. I don’t know how to approach them in a way because I know they are in their own world of pain. There is nothing I can say or do to ease their pain. From my experience now I know now that I will not leave them alone but I will also know when to back off. Sometimes words are better left unspoken. They are already annoyed by the comments people make. Sometimes a nice hug or a nice gesture goes a long way. In that sense I know I can be their biggest supporter. I get sick to my stomach just thinking of their feelings when it really hits them that they have a new life without wanting one. When people go on with their lives and they can’t, the thought of that just makes me cringe. Right now their home is full of flowers and visitors are in abundance but what happens when those visitors stop coming and the phone calls stop? I fear the day when they are alone and no one is there to console them as they cry. What awaits them is such a harsh reality.

On a good note, THANK YOU to Franchesca for doing such an awesome job on my blog makeover. I love it, love it!

Learning to Breath

I wish I could share some good news but I can't. Marie left to be with God and I can't wrap my head around this. I am walking in a daze. I never thought I would be planning a funeral after Sami, it's only been four months. I thought I was doing well in the sense of having good days lately and now this has just devastated me. I think at the moment I am in shock, I feel like at any moment I am going to get a call from her or an email to Cheer me up. This has hit my family so hard, she was just a beautiful person and she has touched so many lives. The amount of support people have shown our family is just amazing. Thank you everyone!

Learning to breath is my new title and it fits so well because that is how my life is at the moment. Learning to breath and learning to live. There are moments in my life where I feel like I have to remind myself to just to that, breath! The pain in heart so bad that feel like at any moment is going to just stop. Is there such a thing as dying from a broken heart? How do I get the strength to help my brother and the kids? I promised Marie that since she is taking care of my baby in heaven I am going to take care of her baby's here. I am going to do whatever I can to help them although I feel like I can't. I don't know how I am going to do that when I don't know how to live without her. I love her more than words can say. She meant the world to me and I wish I had told her that more often. I will have to finish this post later because I just can't continue at the moment. Thank you, thank you everyone for the many prayers. It really means a lot to me.

I am asking for prayers!!! Please

I cannot believe this is really happening right now. I am desperate and in need of prayers at the moment for my family. My sister (in-law) Marie is really sick at the moment. Yesterday she went to work and felt dizzy and two minutes later she was unconscious. She was rushed to the hospital and after hours of testing they realized she had a brain aneurism. They went in to release some of the bleeding and shortly after she coded. Marie was pronounce dead around 3pm. Again I was in a room full of doctors I could not wrap my head around what I had just heard. It felt like the walls were closing in on me. A few minutes they came back in, Marie’s heart started on its own!!! Marie is not ready to leave this world; MIRACLE is all I can say to that. We need to pray that she will stay with us. I cannot handle another loss at this moment. I seriously cannot remember a time in my life without her. She is my brother’s high school sweetheart. Marie is such a beautiful person who has such faith in God. Marie is a healthy person who works out everyday, lives for her family. She is a mother of 4, Cassandra (26), Carlos (24), Andrea (10) and Gabrielle (7). They need her, my brother needs her, my family needs her and most of all I need her. I seriously never even call her “in-law”, she is my sister. Please, I am begging for everyone to pray for her. She means the world to me. She is holding on, they do believe there is a large amount of brain damage however with all the swelling they can’t assume that. She has tubes everywhere and will be in an induced coma for at least 3 days. She came back to us for a reason and I really believe something good will has to come of this. I know life is never certain but miracles have happened and will continue to do so. The first 24 hours were highly critical and she has survive that, I am being very hopeful, I know the recovery will be long and hard but together as a family I know we will make it. I will try to post once I hear something different, please, please pray!!! Thank you and God bless.

Mini breakdown

I hope everyone had a great Valentine’s Day. This year we decided we were not going to go all out like we normally do. We did however take Julian to the snow for the first time and that was really nice. He had so much fun so that made me really happy. We do not get that much snow in California so we had to take advantage of it and go. I also wanted to get away from the heat this past weekend because it was 80 degrees! So over all I had a good day.


On Saturday we were out for dinner at a restaurant and I had a mini breakdown. We were almost done with dinner when I heard the cry of a newborn in front of us. I seriously did not notice that there was a baby there. She was crying and crying and I tried to ignore her cries (impossible) but what got to me was actually seeing the lady pick up that baby to soothe her. She gazed into her baby’s eyes and you could just see the love she had for her. I was jealous, I will admit it. I want that so badly, I want to hold my baby and make her feel better. I was trying to so hard to fight back my tears. I was trying to talk to Julian and my husband to get my mind to think of something else. My honey noticed and he just looked at me with a helpless look. Thank God our bill came because we were out of there so fast. Either way I was going to walk out. I didn’t want strangers staring at me because I was crying. Of course I cried on the way home.


That was the first time since Sami passed away that I had actually been around a new baby. I avoid being around baby’s as much as possible and now I know why. I am just not ready and I often wonder when I will be. I feel bad because I still have not gone to see Larry’s cousin’s new baby and he was born in December. The thought of having to hold him is just too much for me to handle at the moment. I hope they understand and they don’t hold it against me for not visiting them. I also hope my co-worker understands if I do not go visit her right after she has her baby next month. It’s not that I am not happy for them because I am but it is such a harsh reminder that Sami is not with me. This month she would be turning four months, four month living without feeling her warmth. I wonder everyday what she would be like. Thinking of all the smiles I am missing out on and all of the usual milestones in her life, eating new foods, trying to sit up and oh that sweet baby babble. How I miss her so much!!!

Doing something good

THANK YOU MALORY--EVERY LIFE HAS A STORY...

The video is beautiful, I cannot thank you enough. For anyone who wants view it is on the lower part of my blog. Make sure to turn off my music player first.

I have been having some good days lately so I have decided to get a team going and walk in honor of Sami for the March of Dimes. I seen it on Holly’s blog and looked into it. Finding ways to do fundraising and getting people together to walk with me has kept my mind pretty busy. I needed this so I am glad I decided to do it. It will also get us ready for the walk on October 15th at the hospital where she was born at. They have a walk in October every year and it ends in the memorial garden they have. I just sent the form in to have her name added to the memorial wall. How I wish I did not know of all this stuff. Before October 15th had no special meaning to me and now boy does it ever. A special day to remember our angel’s who have left us far too soon. I am so sad that I am part of this hush, hush community of the baby loss. I never knew how much pain there was until it rocked my world this past year. I never had a reason to pry into this community. No one wants to be part of it of course, it just happens unfortunately. Now I want to do what ever I can to help others and bring some awareness that there are so many people who changed forever because of infant loss. We have different stories to tell but we are all walking the same painful path. I know I cannot change the world and save every baby or every parent from this pain but if I can help even one mom get through this then I can say I did my part. I am still fresh on this journey but with the help of so many baby loss moms out there I have gotten through some rough days. I know I am not alone. I am not taking any credit away from my family and friends either who have really been there as well. So in case I have not said it in a while THANK YOU to all who have supported me and my honey these past few months. I know that Sami is not here but I am going to do whatever I can to keep her spirit alive and the March of Dimes is one good way.

Valentine’s Day is this weekend and I am not so trilled about it. I wish I had Sami here to kiss and hold and share my unconditional love with her. V day for me is love and family, part of my family is missing so it is going to be a little somber this year. I wonder if that will ever be fun again since I know my heart is always going to be broken. I guess as time passes we shall see. I am sending everyone early Happy Valentine’s Day.

Can't forget that this week is CHD awareness week, fits perfectly since it's Valentine's day (hearts). I Just wanted to share some facts about this.

Sometimes during early pregnancy, a baby's heart fails to form properly, resulting in structural abnormalities known as Congenital Heart Defects. Although some defects are genetic, in many cases the cause is unknown.

CHD is the most frequently occurring birth defect, and is the leading cause of birth-defect related deaths.

Although some babies will be diagnosed at birth, newborns are not routinely screened for CHD. The consequences of a late diagnosis can have serious, lifelong implications, so it is important for the public to be aware of the signs and symptoms in newborns, and children. (Better screening could have probably saved baby Cora--please see her blog, just click on her blog button on the left of my blog).We need to spread the word so no mom ever has to go through what her mom did. Big ((hugs)) to her!

It is estimated that more adults than children are living with congenital heart disease, and this population is expected to grow by 5% each year. Yet, many adults with CHD are not receiving adequate ongoing care from trained specialists.***

Thinking and thinking

My mind is constantly going, thinking and thinking and I am just so tired. I keep thinking about how my life would be like if both little ones developed correctly. How would I have handled Julian plus two more? I think maybe God figured I would not be able to handle it. Then I get mad because I am not able to see for myself. That choice was made for me so that gets me angry. This whole journey has obviously not been my choice. It has been out of my control. This really has really tested my faith. I have to take a moment every now and then and remind myself that my faith is what has gotten me through my most difficult days.

I keep remembering the day she was born, I can say I was truly blessed. Seeing Sami and seeing her conjoined twin. Her twin was never fully formed but I still still acknowledge her life. She had a perfect little eye, a nose and even a little ear. We actually named her Faith (I say her because I have a feeling she would have been another little girl). Together they made it 38 weeks in my belly. I feel a little bit more at ease knowing that it was not Encephalocele. It also helps me understand more the other complications that she had going on. Sami is not alone in heaven and that gives me some comfort. Again, I can say I am blessed because they both came and left this world in such a peaceful way. I did not see Sami in any sort of pain or discomfort. It was hard to have her in my arms and not do anything to help her get better but at the same time, I did not want to see her full of tubes and being poked by needles. That is no life for a tiny baby. I knew I had to give her up. God needed his angel back and knew I had no choice in fighting that. I got to hold her and cherish every second of it. I am glad that the hospital staff was very nice and they followed my birth plan. I had her with me for a total of eleven hours before we called the mortuary to come pick her up. That moment I wish I could just block it out of my mind. I am traumatized by that moment. Seeing my husband place her tiny 4 pound body in the car seat and watch two strange men walk out with my daughter was the so hard. I have never cried so much in my life. My body was shaking uncontrollably as I tried to give her one last kiss and say one more I love to her. I can’t help but cry when I think of that moment. I tried to remember every single detail about her at that moment. I can still hear that dreadful knock on the door when they came, before I even seen the two men I started to cry, I knew it was time to let her go. How can anyone do that job, to walk into a room and take a new baby from their mother’s arms. Not one day goes by that I don’t think of that moment. Why can’t I just remember the good things? Lately I have been having dreams of Sami’s funeral service. The last one I had this week, I was sitting in the back of the room watching everyone but I held another baby in arms. After a while I got up and placed this other baby next to Sami with everyone watching me. I woke up in a sweat, perhaps it is my subconscious thinking of her little twin. I normally don’t talk about that to people besides my honey.

This week I am not as angry and I think it is because I am just letting myself feel the true sadness in my heart. I have been crying more and just letting the anger go. That has actually made me feel better these past few days. This week has been much better than last week because I am not as angry. I could handle the tears much better for some reason.

I also want to ask everyone to pray and support all the heart babies with CHD and their families. This week is Congenital Heart Defect awareness. Have a great weekend everyone.

I am so angry...

I am not sure at where all this anger is stemming from but boy is it ever so present. I am angry at everything yet at nothing if that makes any sense at all. These past few days I just can't seem to shake it off and it is driving me crazy because I hate feeling this way. I hate being mad all the time and not knowing why. Am I angry for having people close to me not give a shit about what I am feeling? Am I angry because I want to run away and I can't? Or is that I am just angry that I do not have my daughter and I just can't understand why? I am not sure if I am confusing my feelings of sadness for anger. I try to tell myself to just let it go but for some reason this week I can't. I don't know if I am still angry about the picture thing or if I am angry that no one close to me really understands what I am going through. It is no one's fault and I cannot hold them accountable for not knowing what to do or say. I myself do not even know what I want of people. Do I want to be left alone or deep down inside do I just want someone to grab me and give me hug and cry with me? I can't be constantly telling people what I need or want all the time because for someone who has never been through this it can get annoying. For so long I have been one person and now I am this moody, don't care type of person. For people that are going through this, how do you handle having a person close to you not be there for you when you need it the most? I don't want to be resentful but I seriously can't help it. I am not sure how to go about those relationships. So if someone out there knows the answer please feel and share that with me.

Alright enough of that now... on a good note, I finally took a picture of Sami's bear (her urn) and I thought I would share. She is still missing her wings but I just ordered them today so I will update her picture when they come in. On another note I have been brain storming ideas as to how I want to help others in Sami's name. I have a few at the moment but nothing concrete so I will share that at a later time. I just have this feeling that I need to do something. Little by little I am starting to get motivated. Hopefully that will help me in my grieving. Oh gosh grieving that word sounds so weird to me, perhaps it is just part of my denial. I think I need to stop writting now before I drive myself crazy. My poor husband, I have been horrible these past few days! My mind is going a million miles per minute, it is going to short circuit soon. I just re read this post and boy is it out there!

Feelings of guilt

It is only Wednesday and I cannot wait for the weekend. This week has been pretty bad, it is almost comical. Monday I should have just stayed in bed and pretended that I did not exist. It went from bad to worse as the day progressed, Julian having an ear infection and a pretty bad cough then to me setting the alarm off at the office and getting a virus on my computer. There was more but that pretty much summed up my day, it was bad. I tried to laugh it off but that did not work, crying felt much better.

I did not want to really talk about this on here but I have to remember that this blog is my outlet towards how I honestly feel at the moment. I tend to hold back on this when I really should not. Yes, I share many personal things on this blog but I only share what I want to share. Perhaps I should have made it clear on how I felt in regards to her photos and any momentos I have of the baby. Let me go back and explain what I am trying to say. For Christmas we received the beautiful canvas photo of Sami. On December 29th to be exact right before we left to go watch a play called the “Glory of Christmas.” I remember the moment because as I opened the box to see it, it really hit me that this was really real. My Sami is gone. Call it denial if you will, but having that photo in my hands made me realize that this is it, I get a picture of Sami to hold and that is it. Photos of her are the only physical thing that I can hold on to. It was a bitter sweet moment you can say. From that moment on it was so weird because I really realized how different things are. Maybe that particular picture got to me because I know that at the moment when that picture was taken she just received her angel wings. It is a beautiful peaceful picture but I know that is when she left us. I remember being in the long car ride with my husband crying and telling him it wasn’t fair that we only have pictures. God knows I want more but I can’t have that so in a way I think I felt angry. Not at anyone or anything just angry and I still feel that way now. I know anger comes from something deeper, an emotion that I am holding down and I can’t quite pin point it. The counseling sessions will perhaps get to the core of that.

Well back to the picture, we decided we were not ready to share it with everyone so I have it in our room next to Sami. Maybe one day I will put it somewhere else in the house but for now it with us in our room. I like to be able to have that as the last thing I see when I close my eyes at night and the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning. That is not to say we do not have any photos up of her in our house because we do. The pictures we had up the day of her service are now in a scrapbook which Julian loves to see all the time. People have asked me for pictures of her but I am not quite ready to give away copies just yet, my mom does not even have a copy of one besides the Christmas card photo that I had sent out to a few people. Like I said the pictures are all I have and I will share them when I am ready. Not sure if anyone has felt this way but I would like to know that I am not the only because I feel guilty. Well the main reason to this long post is that the same picture given to us was also given to other people without my knowledge and it made me mad but it made me sad as well. Mad because no one has the right to just give away her pictures, I do not care who they are given to and sad because that is just so personal to me. Like I said the pictures are all I have. I know it is so hard for someone to understand my feelings because it does not make sense. I have a blog to share and keep Sami’s life alive yet I do not want to give away her pictures. It sounds like a contradiction in a way. That is why I removed the links to her photos, I guess I should have never posted them on this and perhaps I should have never held back on sharing my feelings on this topic. I feel really bad for feeling this way but I cannot help it. It was just such a blow to my heart. I know they meant well, I know that in my heart. To most of us a picture is just that, a simple picture, a memory but to me it is more than just that because that is all I have to hold on to Sami.