Valentine's Day

We love and miss you so much my love. This morning your brother woke me up and said we had to go buy you flowers and balloons because it was Balentine's day. He said it means love, thanks to the Sprout channel.  He is a day early but who cares, he thinks of you just like I do... ALL THE TIME. I miss you more than words can say. On this day and everyday we love you and send you millions of kisses to heaven.
I decided to take a picture of you three and wouldn't you know it, Julian leans over to kiss Emma and I got a perfect shot.

Happy Valentine's day!!!

How I wish we could all be together now....

I WOULD BE LOST WITHOUT MY 3 LOVES!

Your a lucky girl Sami

Sami, you are one lucky girl to have Julian as your big brother. Not one day goes by that he doesn't think of you and mention your name. He loves you and I know he misses you. I love to hear him tell Emma that she has another sister but she lives with Papa Jesus. He isn't afraid to mention your name to anyone and I love that. He makes me so so proud of him. I would fear that he was to young you remember you but I was wrong, so wrong.  Last week I was about to begin cleaning up Emma's room but she just looked so cute and I had to take a picture of her. While I was doing that Julian was next me making music (more like banging Emma's blocks) when I heard him sing a song to you. I wish I would have thought of switching my camera to movie mode earlier to catch him when he started but I was so taken back that I just sat there and enjoyed his song to you. I did get to record it but it's hard to hear him clearly. His lyrics went something like, "Sami is a baby, Sami is a baby, she lives in my heart, she lives in my heart" what a beautiful song huh? Did you hear it in heaven my love? I sure hope you did. Here is what I was able to get, listen carefully at the very beginning, before "twinkle twinkle little star"
Do you come into his dreams? Is that how he knows you so well? I love that he loves you so much. I love you too little one.

BEFORE WATCHING BE SURE TO TURN OFF MY MUSIC PLAYER AT THE BOTTOM.

Marie

Yesterday I had my brother and his family over, I love that they all visit me now that I am closer. Anyhow the day was peaceful as can be but I went to bed thinking about Marie. Well she came to me in my dream. I woke up this morning so excited because it has been a while since I had a dream of her. Well in this dream it was yesterday all over again even to the clothes everyone was wearing but Marie was there. It was a like a movie because only I could see her and talk to her yet no one was able to notice me. She walked into the kitchen and I almost knocked her down because I ran to hug her, that hug felt so darn real that I can still feel that now. I was telling her how much I missed her and she she said she missed me too. I asked for Sami and all she said was that she was nearby. I wish I could have seen her (sigh). Anyhow, I asked her if she had seen Emma and she said of course she has and she couldn't believe how fast she was growing. She said she loved the new house and knew how happy I was to be here. The entire time we were having this conversation was she standing next to my brother and she said she missed everyone very much but she is always near them never far behind. I remember feeling sad that they weren't able to feel her but she kept reassuring me that she is always with them and that hopefully they feel her from time to time. I didn't want the time to end but the next thing I knew she was gone and our conversations continued like nothing. She looked beautiful and radiant like always and this time she was wearing white not pink like she usually does. Marie was a beautiful woman but wow heaven has made her look even better. That one in a million smile is brighter, her laughter is bigger and she literally glows now. It brings me such peace when I have dreams of her, I can't wait to see her again.

Now that I am on this subject, on Saturday we went to celebrate my friend's daughter one year in heaven. Not sure if you guys remember but last year she left too soon because of cancer. Anyhow, the balloon release was held at her graveside and it was perfect. The weather was nice and most of all my friend was surrounded by many many people.

An S for Samantha Jordan!!!

Well you know how I mention from time to time that Julian is special? Well as we were getting Emma in her car seat my husband I heard him talking (he was in front next to us) and he said "stop talking to me little angel's" we were like what? So we stopped our conversation so we could him better and again he said "stop talking to me little angel's you are scaring me" then he got in the truck like nothing. We didn't want to mention it to him but he said he seen papa Jesus there so we asked him who he was talking to but he couldn't really explain to us why. Again, my son is SPECIAL!!!!

MIA

That has been me lately, missing in action! I seriously cannot believe I have not posted anything in two months, yes that is right two months. So much has been going on and I just haven't had time or Internet.
We sold our house right before the holiday's so I have been packing, moving and unpacking all before Christmas while my husband was out of town for work. Things were hectic and I think they are finally starting to settle down. Great way to start 2012, happy new year's to everyone.

Recap.... Thanksgiving, it was nice, we shared it with my family. Emma and Julian seemed to like it so that made me feel better. Holiday's are always hard because I know someone is missing but thankfully this Thanksgiving wasn't as hard as last year. We went camping that weekend so it helped me stay busy.

Julian had a black eye from the weekend before : (

I love these two little one's they keep me grounded that is for sure.












Emma is a little character and knows how to get what she wants. She will reach high and low until she gets her target and if she doesn't get it you will hear her from a mile away, lol.

Emma and her crazy camping hair!

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All better after a bath

  The move to a new city closer to my family is something I have been wanting for years and I couldn't be happier.  I am sad we left our old house because we had so many memories there but those memories will always be in my heart and new memories are to be made at our new place so I try not to dwell to much on the change. The house is bigger and my husband will be able to keep his horse in the backyard so I cannot complain.  Someone upstairs was looking out for us!!!! Moving right before the holiday's was challenging but we did it and still managed to put up a Christmas tree for the kids. 

I LOVE MY KITCHEN!!!

The new Delgado residence

Christmas Eve

My 3 loves

Always in my heart

My new Sami ornament 

Can't forget the picture with Santa, I still have to scan the one with her smiling but this will do for now...

Happy New Year's to you all

As you can see my days have been filled with lots of love and smiles, I am one blessed girl and I thank God everyday for it.

Recap of Sami's birthday

I have been HORRIBLE at posting, I just can't find the time these days and that is because I am home! When I finally get a chance I am just so ready for bed.
Sami's day went great, we delivered our care packages, went to Disneyland (Emma's first time there) and then we did our sky lantern release. It was busy, emotional and beautiful. By the end of the night I was drained and I don't think I have fully recovered. I mean it was like all of a sudden my body shut down because now I feel a pretty bad cold coming on (great).
When we finally came home and sang happy birthday to her Julian just made me really fall apart. He in his little voice said "I miss Sami" it through me off because he has never said something like and then he went on saying "remenber (that is how he pronounces it) me gave her cheerios?" My goodness my boy was just a few weeks shy of being two, how could he remember? I lost it, completely lost it at that point thinking about that makes me want to cry again. I hope Emma knows her sister in a special way like Julian. He understanding of her life is so beautiful. I tell my husband that I hope Julian and Emma know the meaning and significance of October 26 to our family. I am sad that MANY people (family) didn't bother to call us or text us on her day but I am trying not to dwell on that, it is what it is. For everyone who did remember THANK YOU a million times because that is what really helped me get through that day.
November is another difficult day for me because that was the day of her actual service and the last time I physically held her last. So hard to get back on track. I know November is a month to be thankful and I am really trying to focus on that but right now my heart is still a little sore I will join that movement in a few days.
I will leave you with a few pictures of her special day, I wish I would have gotten better pictures of the sky lantern release but I was trying to record video, take pictures and taking it all in.

We stopped her brick

Emma amazed by Minnie Mouse

We bought our little angel her Minnie ears and below it was her name, it was meant to be.

Right before we did a balloon release at the castle

Off they went to her

Sami's Minnie ears

The sky lanterns

Couldn't capture the beauty of them : (

These didn't fly as easy as I hoped for

A gift to her from another angel mom

Wearing her ears

Julian holding her after we sang to her

Happy Birthday my love

HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!

Has it really been 2 years since I kissed that precious face? It seems like it was just yesterday because I remember every detail like it just happened.  On October 26, 2009 at 5:04AM, my world was blessed by a precious 4 pound little angel. On that day I became a very special type of mom, a mom who cherishes each day and doesn't take one for granted. A mom who loves like crazy and a mom who can say she held her very own angel. That to me makes a special person and that goes for every mom out there who has lost a precious child.

It has been so long since I last wrote, October is not easy for me but I kept busy. I am happy to say I achieved my goal for Sami's birthday. I have finished 10 care packages that I am going to deliver on her special day. I do not want my packages given away because that means that there is another special mom out there but if and when it happens I want them to know that they are not alone. I remember feeling so lost when I left the hospital and that was because I had time to prepare so I can't imagine someone who goes in expecting a happy outcome but doesn't. Sami I hope you are proud of your mommy because you keep giving me strength to carry on. Everything I do is in your honor baby girl.
This past Sunday we had a birthday celebration for her and were going to release some sky lanterns but the wind had other plans. I hope that tomorrow night we will be able to light the sky so she can see that she is never forgotten along with many of her angel friends.

SAMI I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, MY HEART ACHES EVERY MOMENT BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT HERE BUT I KNOW ONE DAY I WILL HOLD YOU AGAIN. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING ME SUCH A SPECIAL MOM...

Here are some pictures of my care packages (THANK YOU to everyone who helped me)

Thank you Franchesca Cox for creating these beautiful cards

It's soon approaching

Her day is soon approaching and the thought of it is weighing on me. I know her birthday is a day of celebration but it is also such a difficult day for me. I had been fine but as I look at the calender and see October just a few days away I am filled with such sad emotions. Two years have fast approached and I have many things to be grateful for but still this void never seems to ease up. I am sure from the outside I look fine, I laugh, I smile but I am still broken. I will be forever, I except that now but it still isn't easy. I had a whole year to prepare you would think it would be easier for me. Perhaps having Emma here with me makes it a little harder because I have realized how much I missed out on Sami.

I feel really bad that I neglected this blog lately because I really need it and I miss following up with everyone but I just have had no time. I am officially a stay home mommy and I am yet to find a routine. I have realized going to work is sometimes a little easier. I am not complaining because I LOVE my new job I just need to learn to manage my time better and allow a little bit of me time here and there. This space is comforting to me, I still need it. Like I said time has passed but that doesn't mean that I still don't feel lost from time to time.

Right now the kids are sleeping as I should be but I just want to take in the quietness. My husband is out of town again this week and it always seems to be like my real emotional moments are when he isn't here. I just need to let out a good cry and prepare myself for October. What is that saying "take the bull by the horns" that will be me for the most part of October but I know I will fall flat on my face with grief and emotion at some point. I feel like someone needs to take the lead and I will just follow. Last year I was so consumed with her birthday memorial party and being newly pregnant with Emma that I guess I was just not allowing myself to deal it emotionally. This year my plans were to have the care packages dropped off at the hospital on her day but I am a little behind and I also want to do something special celebrate her with my close family and friends. I just feel stuck, I need a little push to get out this little pitty party that I am having right now. I need Sami to send me her love and strength, I need it more than ever right now.

Hello blog world

Is August almost over? Hard to believe how fast time passes. Having to care for two little one's I suppose will help speed up time.
Julian is funny as ever and so sweet and well Emma is a little chunker full of toothless smiles. Being at home with them this whole time has been a real blessing. I am sad I missed so much with Julian but he was always in good hands.
Sami's birthday is almost here and I finally got the OK from the hospital to drop of care packages for other loss mom's. I am really excited about this and now trying to figure out a budget and how I am going to get this really going because I don't want it to be just be once a year thing but one step at a time. I am also trying to figure out how and what other celebration I am going to do for her. For sure a remembrance mass so I can share with family and friend's but not sure what else. I love celebrating birthday's and just because she isn't here doesn't mean I can't celebrate right? People might see it as weird but I really don't care what they think. I can't believe two years are approaching and I am still living. I was talking my hubs a few nights back and we both agree that the first few months felt like there was no way out. Now we still hurt but we handle it differently. Emma for sure has helped us grow, again I will emphasize that she is in no way a replacement but my heart once again has joy in it. I am sure many of you loss mom's can relate to those early days where it felt like there was no sun in sight and as time passes and rainbow's born you find yourself alive again. It is a great feeling!!!
I love being comfortable in saying I have 3 kids when people ask. I don't feel weird saying one is in heaven because it is not weird, it is my new life. I don't even give them a chance to give me that pitty look because I am not saying it for sympathy. So be careful when you ask a parent how many kids they have because you never know who you are asking. There are days of course that are still difficult to cope with you of course but I know that will be for the rest of my life. I will wipe the tears as I have done all these months and keep moving forward. I want to make Sami proud that her mama is a survivor and she keeps going.

I have not had a chance to really follow everyone's blogs but that doesn't mean that I don't pray for you guys and wish all the best. Thank goodness for facebook because I keep up there as best as I can. So from now until October I will be busy with making care packages and figuring out a way to remember Sami on her birthday. ((HUGS)) to everyone.

Do you see her?

On Friday I was excited because Emma was getting her first shower so I had to snap a picture. Once I looked at it I was so shocked to see a profile on the wall behind Emma... Lets see if you are able to see it too....

Things like this make me smile. Oh and this morning out of the blue Julian said Sami likes chocolate, lol.

Recovery

Yesterday I had surgery because I had an umbilical hernia that needed to get fixed. I got this hernia after I had Julian, they say it can be caused by a long labor and well after 33 hrs I guess it was a given. It has just gotten worse throughout the years. I am in pain but I will be fine, the pain I was in after I delivered Emma was worse. The only thing is that I am not supposed to lift more than 10lbs for 6 weeks!!! How is that going to be possible with 2 month old at home? I could go stay at my mom's but that means I won't be able to see my husband during the week and I can't handle that and there is nothing like sleeping in your own bed. For the next few days he will be home with me so I will not worry about anything until I really need to. I am glad I got it fixed now because it was really bothering me and it was only going to get worse. The Dr said it was worse than she thought : (

So now I sit here getting pampered by my husband and it feels so weird. I HATE just sitting around doing nothing.  I could handle that for an hour or two. I guess we will have to make it a movie day today. I just hope the pain starts to ease soon. I really don't want to take the pain meds for much longer. I was still breastfeeding but now I really can't. My milk supply was already dwindling down but I was still able to give something but now with the meds and not being able to lift her I just can't. I know Emma doesn't mind she is not a picky eater she takes the bottle really well. We have her on soy formula like we had Julian, both have a sensitive tummy. Julian out grew it so I hope Emma does to eventually.

Emma is so talkative these days, she is going to be a little chatterbox!!! She fills our home with so much love and laughter. She still makes those facial expressions that resemble Sami's and I love it. I get sad knowing I missed so much of this with Sami. I know Sami is watching us from above and perhaps making Emma smile.

Love

Julian is the only person who speaks of Sami all the time and I love it. He loves his sister's. We went camping last weekend and as we drove onto the beach he remembered her name written on the sand. He kept saying "like Sami mommy" he is seriously so adorable. I have even heard him tell Emma something about her like he was trying to tell her something about her sister.
When Sami passed one of her nurses gave us a pink teddy bear with wings. Julian never plays with it because he knows it is for Sami but for some reason last night he wanted to hold the bear. He kept saying her name but I couldn't understand what he was trying to tell me about her. Anyhow, he fell asleep with his monkey friend and the bear. When I walked into the room this is how I found him, I just had to take a picture of this.

How sweet is this?

Emma is so blessed to have big brother like Julian. Sami may not be here with us but she is never far from our thoughts and always lives in our hearts and Emma will definitely know about her big sister.

We baptized Emma a few weeks ago and of course Sami bear joined us.

I loved that our priest included Sami in our ceremony. To me when anyone mentions her name I just instantly smile. It doesn't cause any sadness in my heart that is for sure. When it happens it just validates that she was real and existed even if it was for a short while.