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Thursday, July 18, 2013

Where has the time gone?

I can't believe it has been nearly a year since my last post. I feel guilty about that but I think I really needed the break. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of Sami but I think my thoughts were just too personal to share.
I am struggling with her up coming birthday, 4 years!!!! Lately anything can make me cry, seeing little kids her age give me anxiety. I can't explain it, I guess it's just part of me grieving and I am trying to understand it. Julian has been talking about her birthday for weeks now and I think it's cute but at the same time it crushes me because I feel like he has been cheated by our reality. Isn't he just way to young to understand death? This kid just amazes me, it started maybe about five weeks ago or so. We were having breakfast and he said so serious "mom, we need to start planning Sami's birthday already" I was taken back a little because we had not talked about this. Then he goes on about it being her 4th birthday which really shocked me because again we never talk about her age, I mean do but not with my five year old. So I asked him what he had in mind and he said lots and lots of balloons and cake he said everything pink of course. I love our Sami conversations because he is just so open about it. He asked me how I think she celebrates in heaven and if she knows he can read now. He always tells me he loves and misses her. Emma walked in the kitchen in mid conversation and he tells her in a sweet little voice about her big sister so then she is walking around saying "Tami" because that's just how she says it. I tried so hard not to break down and cry because I don't ever want him to feel like he can't talk to me about her without making me cry.
I just miss her so darn much and wondering how my life would be like with her sometimes just knocks me on my butt. I look at Emma and I can't help but wonder those things. It wasn't like that before but I think because she is getting older and getting her own little personality (feisty one at that) that these thoughts just start.
Through the years I have learned that time doesn't heal all wounds like most people think. I will always have an open wound in my heart and sometimes I guess it stings a little more. I have not decided how or what we will this year for Sami but what ever we do decide Julian will have the final say. I know it will be special to us no matter how we plan it.
I was planning on writing more but Emma is behind me making water puddles on the floor so I have to go. It feels good writing I must admit, it's been way too long.


PB&J said...

Nice to see you back here (Only I am still on FB) wanted to let you know that I also can't believe it is almost 4 years! 4 for me too only this time I am due with twins at the same time - talk about an emotional wreck!
Think of you often.. love love love all the family fun you have - lots of help to you momma as this 4th b-day approaches.

St Elsewhere said...

Hugs, Lisette!

I think Julian is mature beyond his years to be so acknowledging of his sister. And I can tell you that it is a blessing. Emma is beautiful, as I can easily tell from the pics you put up of her on FB.

Sami will always be a part of your life. I can quite understand the anxiety that creeps up when her birthday comes around.

Caroline said...

I know I haven't written for so long & I miss writing. I know the years pass by so quickly & I think of what we are missing out on w/ children not being here. Thinking of you so much & sending you HUGE {{{ Hugs }}} xxoo

You have such a beautiful family <3 Sami <3 is always remembered in our home. :)

clar said...

Wonderful family you have here.Thanks for sharing!

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