Wish me luck

I have been so lazy to write lately and I feel like I have left out so much of what I have been feeling lately. Last night for no reason at all I was just so emotional. I sat in my living room and just cried staring at Sami’s pictures. I miss her so much. In a few weeks I will have a healthy baby in my arms but Emma isn’t Sami and she will never take her place. I always play back the moments that we had with Sami and I can’t believe it happened to us. Most people are so fortunate to never be in our place. Having to watch your baby take her last breath, seeing the color of her skin change and the worst having some strangers take her away from your arms. I wish I could sometimes block some of those moments from my life but that means I would be forgetting her and the good and bad times I had with her. This just sucks!


Emma will be here in a matter of weeks and I am terrified. I want to experience her homecoming like most “normal” moms. I want to believe that her birth will be something I have been dreaming of all my life. With Julian he had a rough start so I walked out without a baby in my arms. I can’t go through that again, I just can’t! I had a great pregnancy with him but a horrible labor, one that almost cost him his life. My son was blue and not crying, not what I had expected at all. With Sami I obviously walked out with empty arms again so Emma has to come home with me. I don’t want a NICU stay no matter how short it may be. I am jealous of other moms and just want a normal birth experience this time. Sami, if you are listening can you please put in a good word for your baby sister and I?

This weekend we picked up Emma’s crib, exciting for most terrifying to me. It is still in the box in my garage, will be it ready before she arrives we shall see. Besides some of Emma’s clothes being washed there is no sign of a baby coming home in my house. That is so not like me. I told my husband this weekend was going to be the weekend that we start getting ready but he has to be out of town for work so that will not happen. I want to change rooms around and I can’t do any of the heavy lifting. Hopefully I will be able to somewhat start. I am almost 35 weeks so I need to get my butt in gear! Does anyone want to volunteer and get my home ready? Lol, it will be done eventually. Oh yeah when we picked up the crib we bought a custom bear for a boy and bunny for a girl to give to mothers with empty arms when we go deliver Emma. I am excited to put something those care packages together. It will be my thank you to the wonderful hospital where I will deliver at. Like I said by Sami’s birthday I plan to have more.

Wish me luck with getting my home ready for Emma!!!

♥ I am so blessed ♥

I had my baby shower this past Saturday. I was exhausted but I felt so blessed to be surrounded by so many people who cares for me and baby Emma. Emotionally I was all over the place all day. At times I wanted to just laugh and other times just cry. It was so weird to be honest because I didn't know what I felt. Even now I am still trying to process it all. In a few weeks there is going to be a baby girl in my arms.
Right now my living room is full of Emma's things and I just can't wrap my heart around the fact that this is really happening to me. I have nothing ready for her, I am glad I didn't go crazy and buy her all kinds of things because I wouldn't know where to put it all. We received so many things for her including a bib that says "I ♥ my big sister" that I just adore and it made me want to cry. Julian is getting more and more excited for her arrival, he just loves her. It is so sweet because he hugs and kisses my belly all the time but   he mentions Sami being in his heart. I am so glad he is getting another chance at being a big brother. I know they are going to drive me crazy but I am really looking forward to it. Part of me feels like I am a new mom all over again. Maybe because Emma is a girl? I am used to boy things now.

This pregnancy is going by so fast as much as I want her here I want time to slow down because part of me feels so unprepared. I can't wait to go on maternity leave so I can be home and really get my home prepared for her. How my life is going to change again in a matter of weeks!! Here are some photos of our special Emma day! 





 Our Shower

 

A Different Child poem



 

Our rainbow cake

 

Centerpieces with Butterlfies remembering Sami



So many gifts!



Us

 

Already spoiled by her God parents!


 



My friend went crazy on her gift!

I just love this!!!!



Where is the time going?

Are we already into the second week of March? It doesn't seem real to me. First I would like to congratulate all the mommas who have had their rainbows. A few hick ups along the road but none the less they have arrived. Sending extra prayers for baby Carter who hopefully has a short stay in the NICU and for Kristin as she recovers from the birth of her twins.

I can't believe it's been so long since I have last posted. All is well with me besides the usual emotional roller coaster. I supposed my emotions are enhanced by this pregnancy. Almost 32 weeks now but I feel like I am already 40. Feeling blessed to have this little wiggle away but I would be lying if I said it has not taken a toll on my body. I am exhausted and chasing after Julian I am ready to hold this little girl. I am scared to death and as the weeks pass me buy my anxiety increases. How am I going to take care of this little being? I know I have some experience under my belt but still, I am terrified. I want to be so happy and excited like most mom's but I can't. I just can't because I know that at any point complications can arise. Not that I am thinking negative thoughts or that I don't have faith! Please don't say that to me, faith is all I have to get me through.
This weekend is my baby shower, I am scared. Not because I am going to jinx it but scared because I feel like people are going to not remember Sami. I want this for Emma, she deserves to be celebrated because her life is everything to me but Sami's life is too. I just feel so cheated because I never got to experience this stuff with her. How is possible to always feel happy and sad at the same time? Those emotions are always together now and I can't separate them. I am one of those girls now that can laugh hysterically and be crying at the same time. I do this quite often, sometimes I think I am really crazy. My husband keeps me grounded and I am so thankful for that. He really understands me without having show his emotions like me. It must be so hard to be a grieving man. I will have to post about that later. For now I will leave you with some pictures that were taken this past weekend.

Julian giving Emma kisses

The cord in front of her, kind of scares me







Missing Marie

It seems like it was just yesterday that I heard her voice but it really hasn't. A whole year has gone by without her. Writing this the tears are flowing because this wasn't supposed to happen. Last year I was asking for prayers and a miracle but God had other plans. Marie was not meant to finish her life here with us. We are having her a mass and a lunch to celebrate her beautiful life but it is not the way we ever anticipated her celebration. Not a single moment goes by that I don't think of her. The only comfort I have is knowing that she is taking care of Sami for me. I know Sami isn't alone and I love knowing that. That was just Marie, taking care of everyone first.
I replay the 19th and 20th of February in my head all the time even though I wish I didn't. Sometimes I wish I could block it out so I wouldn't hurt so much. This past year watching my brother and his kids learn to live a new life without her has been hard. He is doing such a great job but what choice does he have really? It is like me being a loss mom, I don't have a choice I just roll with it. I see him and he just looks so empty all the time. That was his best friend for so many years, they truly loved each other. Their story was just so perfect, high school sweethearts. I wish I had an answer for why she had to leave so soon. So many of us are just taken back by her loss. My family is different because she is missing. Sami was the first to leave us and that rocked us to the core and a short 4 months later Marie. It was just so sudden, none of us were prepared for that fateful day.
I miss her so badly, I miss her voice and I hate the fact that she is not going to be here to share in Emma's life.
Recently I was going through some papers and I found a card she gave me while I was pregnant with Sami. Here is what is said....

Amazing right? She is my guardian angel, she said it herself.

My niece started a blog (my mom, my superhero) a few months back, she doesn't write often but I like knowing that she is somehow expressing her feelings about the passing of her mom. If you get a chance stop on by and let her know that you are praying for her. She has been through so much this year. I don't think the days without Marie get any easier.

I miss her but I love knowing that Sami is with her. Sami is in the best care possible. My guardian angel is watching her for me until we all meet again. I can't wait for that reunion. As look back and remember Marie I realize how great she was, she did so many unselfish things for everyone. She was an angel even here on earth.
Marie, I love you and miss you so much. When I dream of you, you always look so happy and radiant. Thank you for letting me know that you are well and you haven't forgotten me. It fills my heart with peace.

Marie playing with Julian

Looking beautiful as ever here.

Hope

I wanted to get an early start on this post. The wonderful Franchesca from Small Bird Studios has come up with a great idea for the 19th of every month. The point of this is HOPE!!! To encourage one and other in some way. It gives us all a chance to share our stories of encouragement. She is calling it Small Miracles. I think the title speaks for itself. Once we loose someone we put our faith in hopes of finding peace or something that will bring us comfort. I know so many of these woman (especially Fran) have brought my heart hope for a better tomorrow.

Hope means to wish for something with expectation of it's fulfillment. I really do hope her dream is fulfilled and we continue this and grow from the grief that lies within our hearts. I know I have grown in the past 16 months so much. I thought it wasn't possible to feel this way. Today I can smile without feeling guilty. I know no matter how much times passes that Sami will always be near me. I gave up on looking for signs from her but when I really need it she sends them my way. It could be from a comment from Julian or a butterfly crossing my path. I know in my heart she is there. Sometimes a simple breeze can make me feel like she is near. It is moments like that that give me hope. It is all I have to get me through sometimes. Looking back to where I was to now gives me confidence that my life is continuing in a positive way. I am living my life and embracing it no matter what challenges have be brought to me.

Holding Sami and telling her that I love her

 This day I felt like I couldn't breathe. A piece of me was taken with her as she took her last breath. I was so happy to be holding her but so heart broken knowing that would be the last time.

27 weeks with Emma

Here I am now with my husband with a broken heart but with hope for a better tomorrow. Embracing the gift that God has blessed us with once again.











For some of you who are early on your journey of grief and you feel like you can't catch your breath trust in yourself and know that you will be able to some day. You will find yourself wondering how you made it this far without falling apart literally.  I hope many of you join in on this, it doesn't have to be this month or the next just whenever you feel ready.

Happy Valentine's Day

I want to wish you each one of you a Happy Valentine's Day.

May it bring you more love than ever. I know for many this is just another day but I hope at some point in the day so are filled with warmth in your heart. For all of you on this loss journey days like today are not easy. Thinking of you all of your and your sweet babies.

Today I am home with Julian, he woke up with the stomach flu so not so much of a fun day for me. he is taking a nap at the moment so I got a little break. This past weekend we took Julian and Sami to take pictures. Julian did not like it at first but then he got into it, thank goodness because we got some really cute pictures. I was not going to take Sami with us but I just couldn't leave her home. My valentine's gift wouldn't be complete without her there with Julian. The girl taking the pictures must of thought I was a little off by wanting Julian to take pictures with a pink bear but she just put two and two together and her demeanor changed. She was so kind and gentle that it made me want to cry. I miss her and I wish she was here. I have been so emotional lately. Not sure if it's the pregnancy hormones or what. 

I will leave you with some pictures of my love's.  

Sami

He loves her so much

My handsome Julian

My favorite!



♥Love♥

I have been asked to be a part of this special celebration of love by Mattie.  You can click here Beauty will Rise or you can also click on the button to the left of my blog. She doing giveaways this month so stop on over to her blog.Thank you Mattie for thinking of me!

What is love? Wow, that is a hard question to answer because love is such a complex emotion. Love is blissful, naive, exciting and it is painful in a sense along with many other things. I would like to think that we all have felt that spark of love that shoots down to the very core of us because of someone’s touch. Sometimes love can make us naive because we are afraid of letting go. Love is exciting because it is comes in all kinds of ways. Pain because we love so much that is hard to be apart from a person, like a child crying for their parent or a parent crying for their child.

In my lifetime I have been so blessed to be surrounded by love. I love to love and I love to receive it. I am spoiled because I have so much of it in my life. I come from a HUGE family (I am the baby of 10) and I know that both of my parents, my brother’s and sister love me in their own unique way. No love is the same and I completely understand that emotion. Love can go unspoken for a length of time but we still know that at the end of the day it is still there, how amazing is that? It is not always fun like when we do something that would not be beneficial to us and we get that stern talking to from a worried parent but it is OK because we learn from it. Love makes is grow into different people. If it was not for the love that my family has shown me I do not think I would be able to love as freely as I do.

As a wife and mother have come to know and see love in a completely different way, again making it so exciting for me. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, he is my best friend. I love him so much and I cannot imagine my life without him. Through the years the love we have for each other has gotten so much stronger and it is much more intense. I would say that our children had a little something to do with that. Watching him learn how to parent has been amazing, he so good at it. Of course there are times when I have to roll my eyes about something but I know he does the same about me. We have been faced with the challenge of being parents to a child in heaven and it does not seem fair in our young lives but through it all our love prevails and we keep moving forward one day at a time hand in hand. If it was not for his love and support I would be so lost. Now the moment Julian entered my life I really understood what they meant about true love. It was instant even before I held him in my arms. That tiny little being just rocked my world. Now that he is getting a little bit older his "mommy, I love you's" just make me feel like I am floating on cloud nine. Sami took my love one step further even though I thought that was not possible. I wish things were different but for some reason she was only meant to be here briefly in our lives.  I know my precious Sami whispers her "love you's" to me too and that just warms my heart. Soon enough little Emma will be here and show me once again that my love can stretch way more.

I hope every single person has the type of love that goes on and on. It is the best feeling in the world.

Dreams

Why can't I have normal dreams? My dreams are pretty wacky especially being pregnant but last night my dream was horrible. Why can't death escape me in my sleep? I had this horrible dream that we had a precious baby boy with the lightest skin color. The doctors told me he wasn't able to eat or breathe well so he was going to die. They didn't want to do anything to help my husband and I, we were desperate to save this little being. Julian was with us crying for the baby and here I was trying to save my other from pain. I felt so torn and desperate. The appeared to no longer be breathing and my husband held him and was crying so loud but then the baby awoke and looked at us with this look that I can't describe. I know this little being was going to another place by that look but it just left me broken. I felt the pain like I did when I had just learned of Sami's passing but this time I wasn't at peace with it. I felt so horrible that no one wanted to help him or us. We were so alone and scared. I don't think I have been OK with waking up so early but I was glad that I woke up and seeing Julian sleeping peacefully and my husband getting ready for work. I was just a really bad dream, a dream I never want to have again.
This has me thinking about the desperation we feel as parents when we can't save our children. I know that what happened to Sami was beyond my control but I can't help feeling guilty at times that perhaps it was my body that failed her and Faith. My body should have been able to split them and made both whole but it didn't. I hate that there was nothing I could have done.
I think I had this horrible dream because I was watching TV and watched part of a show (don't remember the channel) but it was about a boy in India that was born with extra limbs. His mother said that when he was first born she didn't want to hold him because she was afraid. Just found something online about him, see here. They were getting a lot of attention from people that made them really uncomfortable so they asked for help.  Thankfully the boy was able to have the limbs removed and he is doing well now. The thing that got to me the most was the fact that they kept saying "parasitic twin"----A parasitic twin occurs when a twin embryo begins to develop in the mother but, ultimately, does not separate. This results in a semi-formed twin adjoined to the body of the developed twin. I know what they mean by it but it still bothers me because that was me, I had parasitic twins but never seen them that way. In my mind it seems like they are saying parasite or something and it gets me mad. Faith was no parasite in my eyes and even if they would have looked different my love wouldn't be any different.
Sorry about this rambling post of mine.
I hope I have a nicer dream tonight so that I don't have to relieve that pain and desperation again. Have a great weekend everyone.

Has it really been...

Has it really been 1 year, 2 months, 4 weeks since Sami was in my arms? I hate that time continues and days like today I am stuck. I am stuck with what should have been. I don't like to go there, I like to just see each day as a day closer to being reunited with her.

I miss her with every inch of my soul.  I know she is safe, I know that she is taken care of better than I ever could have but I hate that I didn't get a chance to find that out for myself. I hate that I didn't have the chance to be up at night with a crying baby. In a matter of weeks God will bless me again with an opportunity however Emma isn't Sami. I hate that I feel guilty that Sami never had the chance to know me as a her mom. I feel guilty that Emma will be looked at by many as a replacement and she isn't.
Last night while putting on Julian's pj's he was playing and trying to get away from me, while he accidentally gave me a good kick in the belly. I froze, I just froze I couldn't help but think that Emma could be taken from me (thankfully she was kicking away after). I stood there Julian knew what he did and he said "sorry mommy, sorry Sami" but in a second he corrected himself and said "sorry Emma" he kept kissing my belly and he kept talking to her. I knew he felt really bad because he even went to tell my husband what he did. I hate that my 3 year is also scared.  He is way to small to know about death. I am just heart broken right. This void in my heart is just so overwhelming at times.

Sami, sweetheart I miss you, I love you and I wish that you were here with me. Please continue to visit Julian, I just love how he feels you so close all the time. It brings peace to my heart. Do you hear him every time he says that you live in heart? It pains me to hear him say that but it's true, you will continue live in our hearts always.

New year, new look

I am still hopeful that this year is going to be bring great things even though there are some stresses in my life that I could be without right now but I am not going to dwell on them at the moment. It is what is!
So how do you look my new blog look? Thank you to Franchesca at Small Bird Studio for once again working so hard to create this beautiful design. She just keeps on amazing me.

So do you guys resolutions that you are sticking with or already gave up on? I did not make any resolutions this year but I am determined to be a better person. It seems like the past 2 years I have not been myself for obvious reasons. I kind miss me, the old me will never be but I would like to find myself again. I am tired of just living day to day. I want to be hopeful for the future like I once used to be. I guess I am off to a great start because I have allowed myself to enjoy this pregnancy and embrace every second of it without always having to worry if she is going to be ok or not. Step one was buying the crib and little by little I get things here and there. So many people have already gotten her things, she is so spoiled this girl! I am trying to work on my feelings of guilt since I wasn't able to do these things when I was pregnant with Sami. It is still hard but I tell myself this is how God planned my life and I will just run with it. He knows how it will all end and until then I will just continue embracing this life of mine. Sami is never far from my thoughts and my heart. Not one second goes by that I do not think of her. Being a mom to a child here on earth and in heaven is hard work.

The Wishing Tree

So excited that Sami's name was added to the The Wishing Tree.   I think this is such a great idea and it so simple too. I tell you some people are just so creative! I love seeing Sami's name everywhere, it just warms my heart to the core. If you would like to have your baby's name added stop by the site and make a request. She is so quick to respond.
Wishing everyone a good weekend!

A gift of a lifetime

I have not given a proper mention to Laura Huene from String of Pearls as I should have. So I want to start off by saying thank you to her because she has been such a beautiful person to me on this crazy journey that I have been on. I seriously admire her so much and I want to be able to reach out and help others as she has done in the past and continues to do so now. Laura, if you are reading this I just want you to know how much I appreciate your support and your kind words. You are truly a remarkable woman!!!

She sent me a beautiful package (can't find the pictures of it) while I was pregnant with Sami filled with goodies that I cherish so much such as this ornament that is my favorite.

Last year for Christmas she sent me gift card so that I could a doll for Sami. Not sure why it took me so long to do it but I finally did this year and I love it.

Baby Be Blessed Dolls



With all that she has done for me she also allowed me and family to be part of a special project she was part of through Focus on the Family. They are providing brochures that will be distributed throughout hospitals everywhere. We were chosen to share our pictures along with other families that have lost their precious baby's. Laura of course was included, I just love her pictures. You can view the brochure here, I have to find a way to get my doctor's to have these on hand. They are so beautifully made.

GIFT OF A LIFETIME.

I always sit here and think that I need to be doing something and of course I can't think of any one thing because there are many ways to help a bereaved parent but something like this just makes me want to really get something going. I admire so many BLM that help and do things to our precious babes that I am inspired to do something in honor of Sami. Hopefully by her next birthday I will have something going. I tell you 2011 is going to be a better year for me and my husband. I wish that for all of you too!



Hello 2011

I was so excited for 2010 to be over. 2011 will be better than the last two years of my life. We have a new little one growing and growing in my belly, I love it. She is moving so much more now, I can't seem to get enough of it. Yesterday with no intentions of buying furniture we ended up buying Emma's crib. I was scared to make such a purchase because there is always that "what if" in the back of my mind but I can't continue to be that way. Finally 22 weeks and I can say with confidence "she IS going to come home." I am excited about this new confidence I have. I felt so guilty feeling like I wasn't able to share my happiness with this pregnancy because the fear I have deep down inside. 2011 is going to be a new chapter in my life.

Us with Sami in my heart and Emma in my belly

Sometimes I feel so sad that I didn't get the chance to buy things for Sami while I was pregnant with her but I try not to think of that as much.  I know that Emma will never replace her, people can think that I am healed but I am far from it. I still cry and often, I miss her so much. I am sad that I never had the chance to really be her mommy and show her how much love I had to offer. There will always be a void in my heart.

Sami, mommy loves you. Do you still hear Julian talking about you all the time? He misses you too sweetheart. Please continue to help your baby sister grow and grow. I can't wait to tell her all about you.

Me at 22 weeks




 

Having a GOOD day!

Emma's heart is healthy and strong. I am so darn happy right now. I am not sure why but I am having a hard time uploading her photos since I am here at work. I will scan once I get home so I can share her precious face with you guys. She lookes like Julian so far!!!


Thank you everyone for the thoughts and prayers, it meant so much to me. Can't wait to see her again next month. Hopefully her belly will continue to look perfect too.

PHOTO UPDATE (not clear but just to excited not to share)

Christmas recap

Christmas was pretty terrible this year. Much harder than last year for me perhaps because I am numb like last year. I really miss my little girl, darn it!!! Marie not being here was terrible too. Christmas eve my mom wasn't feeling well at all by late evening my sister decided to take her to the E.R. Glad they went because my mom would have never felt better had she not gone. She spend Christmas day there as well. We all decided we would open gifts once she was out, the kids didn't mind. They wanted their abuelita (grandma) home. She came home Sunday afternoon. Tomorrow she will go in to see a specialist, praying they figure out what is going on with her quickly.

Christmas eve we attended the children's mass, I always love going to that one. Standing room only but it's worth it. We decided to take Sami with us, so glad I did because I would have felt weird not taking her. I had to fight back my tears many times because I just didn't want to fall apart. Here are a few pictures...


The priest always calls the children to the front alter with him



Daddy, Julian and Sami outside of church





Add caption





Us at my mom's house. Julian didn't want anymore pictures.

Please pray for me tomorrow morning, I have an echo for little Emma's heart. Praying all is well. The other day at the U/S Dr. H mentioned she seen 5 chambers but then quickly said 4. I know she told me they would schedule an echo for later in the pregnancy just to be safe however the next morning they called me first thing to have me come in tomorrow morning to see the fetal cardiologist. I know they are just taking every pro caution possible so I am trying not to stress myself out. I am just being hopeful and I have been praying that all is well. I will hopefully be on here tomorrow posting good news.



Christmas stuff

I have been so bad about posting lately. First I want to THANK EVERYONE who mailed a Christmas to us. It touches my heart so much. Sami has gotten more cards than us, I love it!!! I have not mailed out a single card this year to close family and friends. I have been so bad, better yet I have not even started my shopping! Umm it's the 23rd I know... It will get done eventually.

Sarita from One perfect Rose, sent me the most beautiful ornaments for Sami and Faith, there are two of these. I will cherish them forever.

Then for the ornament gift exhange I received this beautiful dragonfly that was made by Jessica. She doesn't have a blog but she is thinking of opening up her own Etsy store. I told her she should, if anyone is interesting in getting one for their angel let me know and I will give you her info.

I was also part of a gift exchange and I received the prettiest pink bracelet with Sami's initials on it. I have to take a better photo to share with you. Liseth doesn't have a blog but her and I have become new friends and I am so glad our paths have crossed.

Last but not least Katy from Delivering Hope for Hannah sent me this beautiful ornament for Sami's birthday.

This year of course my tree had to be pink again for Sami so here a few pictures I want to share with you.
This is Julian possing by the tree before going to a charity rodeo with his daddy this past weekend. He is such ham.

MY FAVORITE ORNAMENT

Had to add one for Marie

I want to wish everyone a peaceful Christmas. I know for many of you it is your first without your precious baby(s), please know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))

Missing her

Last year during the holidays I managed to get through them. I even mailed out Christmas cards but now looking back I was still in a daze. It had only been 2 months since Sami grew her wings so I guess I was still in a state of shock. This year getting into the holidays has been hard. I decorated my house because Julian is so into it this year. He is finally able to really understand the magic behind the holidays. I wish I still was able to see that. This year I am hurting, I miss my little girl so much. Last night I was uploading Julian’s Santa video on my laptop and noticed Sami’s video was still on there. I had to watch it again and of course the water works came on. I have not shared that video with many people even though I should because it shows her alive, breathing our air. Gosh, she was just so beautiful. It has Julian’s first encounter with her, he was staring at her like “what is that?” so cute. I am not sure why I don’t have more video from that day but whatever I have I will cherish that for the rest of my life.



Why is it so hard for me to understand why this happened to me? I never imagined being here, missing my daughter. I suppose no one who has lost a child ever imagined this for themselves. It is so darn hard, I hate it. I was reading Kristin's blog earlier today and she wrote so many of the feelings I have towards grief, I just had to share because her writting I just love. The title speaks for itself "I hate grief."  I hate that so many of have to walk through life feeling this way.

Santa would it be to much to ask for a moment with Sami? That is all I want even just a breif second.

Sami, please send me strength to get through these days without you. I miss you and love my little mama.

So darn emotional

How do I calm my mind from thinking that the worse can happen at any moment with this pregnancy? I was really doing fine, I was happy and didn't let fear get to me but now it seems that it has gotten the best of me. I am scared! Lord knows that there is nothing more in this world I want than to bring this baby healthy into this world.
I still can't believe we are having another baby girl, since I was little I dreamt of being a mom to a little girl. I had the opportunity with Sami but my hopes and dreams were shattered. Now that it's happening again I am more scared that the chance will slip through my fingers again. I know, I know think positive well I have before and we all know how that ended. Having a baby after a loss is so darn emotional. Your happy, your sad, your hopeful and your fearful all at once. It is so exhausting for me!!!! I am tired, I wish I could just sleep through this pregnancy or be able to see into my belly to know that she is OK. I am so thankful for my heart doppler because I would go insane without it. Whenever I have any doubt I just put that little thing on my belly and listen to her heart. It is music to my ears, I just love that sound so much.

On the 21st I go to the specialist again and I am excited because I know I will get to see her again. My belly is getting pretty big but that is nothing new because I always get big belly's. With Sami it was ridiculously big but that was because I had poly. Last week my regular OB doc said I am measuring ahead so maybe she will decide to come sometime in April. I just pray she comes home to me. So far I have had nothing to be worried about but they haven't checked her heart yet so until I know that it's OK then maybe I will be able to relax a tiny bit.

In the last two weeks 3 mom's have lost their rainbows, please say a little prayer for them. I can't imagine how they feel.

Patches the bear

I have been laging on blogging. Last week we were left out of town and getting everything ready always takes me forever. I did however have a visit from Patches the bear. It was a very nice surprise and he warmed my heart. The weather wasn't that great to we honestly didn't do much. He helped me decorate for Christmas. Julian LOVED Patches although he insisted that I remove his tag (I didn't of course), my son has a thing with tags.



Patches went to work with me.



Patches with Sami



Patches inside Sami's stocking

Patches on Sami's wall at my house



Getting kisses from Julian at Grandmas's house




Patches with a sleepy Julian on our way home from dinner

Now Patches is off to warm Tara's home. THANK YOU Patches for the lovely visit and sorry it took me so long to post about the sweet visit.