Monday blues

Sami at Emma's baptism

I woke up today with such a huge void in my heart, I miss her. I miss her so much and I find myself wondering what she would be doing today even though I normally don't allow myself to do that. 20 months have gone by since I held her, smelled her and felt her breath on me. So much has changed in my life for the better of course but still there is a void within me. Emma has filled my life with so much joy and happiness, I smile more because of her and I love her more because of Sami. I am a different mom now compared to when Julian was little. I guess you can say I do not take anything for granted. Emma is what most people would consider spoiled but I don't. Emma is a different child, only a parent with a rainbow baby would understand what I am trying to say. Every breath she takes I soke it in because I am in constant fear that she will also be taken from me. I hate that every little thing that I notice different on her freaks me out and I think that she is going to get sick. It is kind of morbid and I HATE it. I wish I didn't have to live this way but on a positive note I love my kids more than ever. With Julian, I hold him extra tight and tell him I love him a hundred times a day because you just never know.

How I wish she was here running around while I try to tend to Emma thinking to myself that I am crazy for having my kids so close in age. Days like today I have tell myself that she is safe in God's arms and with Marie who is taking the best care of her. One day I will hold her again and see her precious face.

Sami visits

I have been horrible at keeping up with this blog lately : ( I have had a few visits from Sami but haven't had the chance to write about them.

When Emma was only 1 week old her and I were in the living room and I guess we both dozed off when we were both awaken by the sound of the softest music. I even had to get up and look around for what I thought was a toy or like a mobile for a crib! It was insane, I thought I was going crazy but we heard it because we both woke up at the same time but she peacefully when back to sleep. I just started crying because something like that had never happened to me and more so because I knew it was Sami. I had such a warm feeling come over me. I wish I could experience that feeling more often. Then later that week Julian was playing in his room when he ran into our room with a frantic look on his face and I asked what happened then he was calm again, he said "there was an angel in my room" I said "what do you mean an angel?" He again said "an angel on my pillow and SHE was walking like this" (arching his arms out and moving them as if there were feathers while walking slowly) my husband came out of the restroom and started to ask him if he was scared and he said "no daddy, I not scared" then he went on to talk about Sami and Papa Jesus of course at this point we were both in tears. Twice in one week how amazing

Sunday at my mom's once again the butterfly was flying by me. It is weird that it is always at my mom's house where I spent my last weeks of her pregnancy there.  I know I have posted a picture (another visit) before of this little butterfly but here it was once again looking so beautiful.

This was when I got to my mom's in the morning

Then again in the afternoon!

It's been so long

I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted but I have been busy and tired. I am now adjusting to my new routine with a new baby. Julian continues to be amazing and only once he called Emma Sami. It pulled at my heart but I nicely corrected him and he sweetly said "sorry Emma". My husband and I are afraid of doing that especially once she is older. There is a particular face she makes that makes her look just like Sami. It has made me cry plenty of times. The baby blues are going away and I am glad because I was tired of crying for no reason. I would see her and just start balling. Having this little girl is such a blessing that I cannot say thank you enough to the Lord above.

I am so sad that I never had the chance to hold and kiss Sami all the time like I can with Emma but I know I will one day. There is no doubt in my mind that she is waiting for me. Everyday that passes I am thankful that I got another day with Julian and Emma and at the same time thankful that I am one day closer to Sami.

There is a hungry little one calling out for me so this is a short one but so far in 2 weeks she has grown an inch and has gained 13 oz... Not bad at all if I say so myself.

May 6, 2011

Sorry I wasn't able to post anything but Friday was a busy day for us. My day started early as we had to get Julian to mom's early enough for me to give  him lots of extra hugs and kisses and it worked because he knew something was happening. He didn't cry and he held me extra tight when he hugged me. It was hard not cry in front of him. I was already nervous and anxious to get to the hospital. We arrived at 9am and I checked myself in, not how I imagined Emma's birth to be but it all worked out.
I was trying not to shake and control my emotions because the last I was there well it was a whole lot different. I was sent to room 206, how I wanted room 212 so bad. I wanted to feel her presence in there like the last time but I knew that no matter what room I would be Sami would be there with me. I was contracting on my own and I believe still at 2 cm so we just waited. We had a wonderful nurse with such a happy personality, she is what I needed at that moment. Around 1pm or nothing really changed so I was given some pill, sorry can't remember the name. It is just to help thin out the cervix if I am correct. Then we walked and walked some more. I walked passed room 212 and couldn't help but cry, it was just instant tears. I wanted to knock on the door just to peek in there but of course I didn't.

Around 4pm, I was at 3cm and pitocin was started. The contractions were getting stronger but nothing to make me feel to uncomfortable. I was still smiling and laughing wishing I could sleep but I  just can't nap for the life of me.

As you can tell it wasn't bad at this point

Around 8pm or so I noticed the contractions were slowing down and more spaced apart so I kind of started to worry. I believe at this point I was 6cm. Forgot to mention 7pm nurse shift change... I got my favorite nurses who were with me when Sami was born. I think Sami knew how well they would take care of and Emma and had it worked because what are the chances that they both would be working? AMAZING!!!

Anyhow at this point I was debating on having an epidural or not since the contractions were strong but spaced apart but I didn't want not have the option. Around 9 I started to notice a spike in the contractions and asked for the epidural. It was a quick change because I was no longer smiling by this point. Angie (nurse) said I was going to go really quick so she called in for a delivery cart and here I was thinking I still had a few hours to go! I got my epidural, then my doctor came to check me and the by 10:15 I was pushing. It was HARD, Emma was sunny side up and doing a number on my back. I had to be given an episiotomy (ouch). I felt more tugging than ever while having a child. The NICU team had to be called because Emma's heart rate kept dropping. My husband and I were terrified and I was trying to concentrate on getting her out as soon as possible. I felt like I would be pushing for hours like with Julian but thankfully although still a while at 11:35 pm Emma Elliana came into this world. Weighing 7 lbs 11 oz 19 in. NICU checked her out first and gave a clean bill of health. THANK YOU LORD. While pushing I kept asking, God, Sami and Marie to give me the strength to do so because I felt like I couldn't do it anymore.

Daddy cutting the cord





Nurse Cheryl

My glow worm

Priceless moment

I feel bad that I was in so much pain after that I didn't get to enjoy the first few hours of her arrival. It makes me feel like such a bad mom because I had been dreaming of that moment forever but again her labor was short but it was hard. Her labor took a toll on my body. I am not sure what was causing my pain, my uterus was really hard and I don't know what happened. All I know is that I was given morphine and something else, I was still screaming in pain. I didn't even do that while pushing. Once I was taken to my post partum room it was really intense and morphine was given to me again. It was bad, it wasn't until about 8am that I finally started to feel OK. I finally got to enjoy my little one and stare into her eyes (I can't keep my off of them now). Having her is such a wonderful feeling and I see Sami in her yet she has her own look which I love. It has been a roller coaster of emotions that I can't really put into words at the moment. I am blessed and I feel the love from up above. Here are more photos I wanted to share.



Julian meeting her for the first time



Matching booties like her big sister Sami and rainbow pants



Getting ready to go home



Daddy getting her all set to go with his daddy of an angel bracelet for Sami

I got my wish

May 6, 2011

Tomorrow on my due date I will be induced. Pray that everything goes well and that I get to finally come home with a baby in my arms hopefully on Mother's day! Today I had an NST done and she passed with flying colors. This week we have spent so much time bonding with Julian as his world is going to change so much. My son knows something is happening. Today he told me he doesn't want Emma to come because the doctor is going to hurt my tummy! I just love that little boy so much.

Last night I had a dream that I desperately needed this week... Marie was coming back to us and she seemed really tired and kind of not ready to face our world again but she did however stop to tell me about Sami. She said that she is very spoiled because Marie always had her in her arms, Sami laughs a lot and is a very happy little girl. She also said she always has on the prettiest dresses. I woke up and had a long good cry, I mean one where I couldn't catch my breath. It has been such a long road and as much as I want and need Sami here, I love knowing that she is happy in heaven. Knowing that Marie is holding her close just makes me so happy. I know they are both together and are both so happy. God is great and heaven is really real just like the book.

I will try to have someone update for me on miss Emma's arrival. Pray all goes well.
For now I leave you pictures from this week.

To many things around for Julian, lol.

Sami's brick with a Toy Story balloon

Real soon my belly will be gone

Julian with his HAPPY face

18 months

Has it really been 18 months since I had Sami? Where has the time gone? She should be making a mess of my house by taking things apart and trying to put them back together or she should be trying to copy what i do more. Makes me sad that I do not get to experience those milestones with her. I was telling my husband last night how our lives be so different had we had her and being pregnant with Emma. He said I would drive him crazy since he knows everything annoys me right now, lol. As of today I am more than ready to have Emma, my body is beyond exhausted. Emotionally, I am all over the place. I think having another baby girl is really getting to me. Emma will never replace Sami but seeing all her clothes hanging makes me think of Sami even more and what I missed with her. I am super excited to be a mom to another baby girl but I am so scared. I don't ever want to make Emma feel like if it wasn't for Sami's passing that she wouldn't be here because that is so not the case. Thinking about that makes me cry because I love my kids so much and I never want to make them feel anything other than pure love from me. I know one day I will hold Sami again but the selfish part of me wants that now. I want to hear her baby babble and her adorable laugh, I just want her here with me.

Baby update: I went to the Dr yesterday and he said if she isn't here by the 3rd he will induce me. That made my day since that day is my birthday. What a special gift that would be right? I wonder how overwhelmed I will be once Emma is placed on my chest after delivery. I have never had the normal experience like I have mentioned before so this being my third will bring on so many new experiences for me, I can't wait for it! Our bags are packed and I am ready. I hope she comes on her own because I really don't want to be induced but we shall see what happens in the next few days.

I will leave you with a family picture from Easter Sunday.

I love how Julian holds Sami!

Take a guess

Just for fun since my due date is so close....

Guess Emma's Birthdate

I am feeling ver ready to have this baby now. I am still scared out of mind because I live in a world now where babies die. I wish I didn't have to sound so morbid but it's something I have to live with everyday. I try not to think of everything that can go wrong but sometimes that is just not possible. I will be able to breathe normally once she is here healthy and safe in my arms.  I think it is going to be so weird to have a baby in my room right after birth that is healthy. Weird that this is my 3rd and have not had that experience, so please pray that I get to experience this once she is born.

Today I went to the doctor and he said any moment now, I have started to dialate so we shall see when she will arrive. I guess I should start getting my bag ready just in case right? I remember packing my bag after my water broke at home with Sami (not fun). I was exactly 38 weeks pregnant with her when she was born, tomorrow I will be 38 weeks with Emma. Now it's just a waiting game. I hope to be able to post soon that she has arrived.

Don't forget to take a guess, a little prize will be in store for the winner.

Where I am today

It's been a while to get to read post and actually write one. Being home I have not had a chance to relax or sit for a second. Julian has me busy, rearranging everything at home and cleaning up has had me exhausted but I know it will all be worth it. My body is tired, the last weeks of pregnancy are hard. I ache pretty much everywhere but I will do it again, I love being a mommy. My belly is  huge and I bump it everywhere these days (sorry Emma). Emotionally I have been a little bad. I miss Sami more and more as the birth of Emma gets closer. I find myself wondering more and more who she would be like or how she would be at almost 18 months old. I have much happier days now but that pain is still so present in my heart. Just when I think I am used it to it creeps back like it was just yesterday.
Hopefully I will have more time on my hands by the end of the week to keep everyone up to date with my life. I feel so lost when I am not reading blogs or writing a little something. Hope everyone is well ((HUGS)).

Almost at the finish line

I can't believe it, almost at the finish line. I can see it ahead of me and I am so excited. In a few weeks I will once again be blessed by giving birth to a beautiful baby. I keep telling myself that because I can't imagine how much my life is going to change once again. From this I am going to learn and grow so much more, looking forward to it. This will be my last week at work and I couldn't be happier. I am so exhausted and I want to be home to get my house ready (still haven't done anything from my last post).
Julian is getting more and more excited, not a day goes by that he doesn't hug and kiss my belly. I think he must of had a dream of her or something because he woke up one day pretending to cry like Emma and telling me that he is going to give her a bottle and pacifier to make her stop, lol. He has no idea how much his life is going to change but I am sure he is going to be the best big brother ever. He still mentions Sami and hugs her blanket all the time especially at night. It brings comfort to him like it does to me. I miss her, I miss her more than I show but I try to not let my hurt stop me from smiling. I often wonder how I am going to react when Emma arrives. I wonder if she is going to resemble Sami in some ways, in a way I hope not because I feel like it will be harder for me. I know Emma will help me with my healing process although I will never be completely healed.

Wish me luck

I have been so lazy to write lately and I feel like I have left out so much of what I have been feeling lately. Last night for no reason at all I was just so emotional. I sat in my living room and just cried staring at Sami’s pictures. I miss her so much. In a few weeks I will have a healthy baby in my arms but Emma isn’t Sami and she will never take her place. I always play back the moments that we had with Sami and I can’t believe it happened to us. Most people are so fortunate to never be in our place. Having to watch your baby take her last breath, seeing the color of her skin change and the worst having some strangers take her away from your arms. I wish I could sometimes block some of those moments from my life but that means I would be forgetting her and the good and bad times I had with her. This just sucks!


Emma will be here in a matter of weeks and I am terrified. I want to experience her homecoming like most “normal” moms. I want to believe that her birth will be something I have been dreaming of all my life. With Julian he had a rough start so I walked out without a baby in my arms. I can’t go through that again, I just can’t! I had a great pregnancy with him but a horrible labor, one that almost cost him his life. My son was blue and not crying, not what I had expected at all. With Sami I obviously walked out with empty arms again so Emma has to come home with me. I don’t want a NICU stay no matter how short it may be. I am jealous of other moms and just want a normal birth experience this time. Sami, if you are listening can you please put in a good word for your baby sister and I?

This weekend we picked up Emma’s crib, exciting for most terrifying to me. It is still in the box in my garage, will be it ready before she arrives we shall see. Besides some of Emma’s clothes being washed there is no sign of a baby coming home in my house. That is so not like me. I told my husband this weekend was going to be the weekend that we start getting ready but he has to be out of town for work so that will not happen. I want to change rooms around and I can’t do any of the heavy lifting. Hopefully I will be able to somewhat start. I am almost 35 weeks so I need to get my butt in gear! Does anyone want to volunteer and get my home ready? Lol, it will be done eventually. Oh yeah when we picked up the crib we bought a custom bear for a boy and bunny for a girl to give to mothers with empty arms when we go deliver Emma. I am excited to put something those care packages together. It will be my thank you to the wonderful hospital where I will deliver at. Like I said by Sami’s birthday I plan to have more.

Wish me luck with getting my home ready for Emma!!!

♥ I am so blessed ♥

I had my baby shower this past Saturday. I was exhausted but I felt so blessed to be surrounded by so many people who cares for me and baby Emma. Emotionally I was all over the place all day. At times I wanted to just laugh and other times just cry. It was so weird to be honest because I didn't know what I felt. Even now I am still trying to process it all. In a few weeks there is going to be a baby girl in my arms.
Right now my living room is full of Emma's things and I just can't wrap my heart around the fact that this is really happening to me. I have nothing ready for her, I am glad I didn't go crazy and buy her all kinds of things because I wouldn't know where to put it all. We received so many things for her including a bib that says "I ♥ my big sister" that I just adore and it made me want to cry. Julian is getting more and more excited for her arrival, he just loves her. It is so sweet because he hugs and kisses my belly all the time but   he mentions Sami being in his heart. I am so glad he is getting another chance at being a big brother. I know they are going to drive me crazy but I am really looking forward to it. Part of me feels like I am a new mom all over again. Maybe because Emma is a girl? I am used to boy things now.

This pregnancy is going by so fast as much as I want her here I want time to slow down because part of me feels so unprepared. I can't wait to go on maternity leave so I can be home and really get my home prepared for her. How my life is going to change again in a matter of weeks!! Here are some photos of our special Emma day! 





 Our Shower

 

A Different Child poem



 

Our rainbow cake

 

Centerpieces with Butterlfies remembering Sami



So many gifts!



Us

 

Already spoiled by her God parents!


 



My friend went crazy on her gift!

I just love this!!!!



Where is the time going?

Are we already into the second week of March? It doesn't seem real to me. First I would like to congratulate all the mommas who have had their rainbows. A few hick ups along the road but none the less they have arrived. Sending extra prayers for baby Carter who hopefully has a short stay in the NICU and for Kristin as she recovers from the birth of her twins.

I can't believe it's been so long since I have last posted. All is well with me besides the usual emotional roller coaster. I supposed my emotions are enhanced by this pregnancy. Almost 32 weeks now but I feel like I am already 40. Feeling blessed to have this little wiggle away but I would be lying if I said it has not taken a toll on my body. I am exhausted and chasing after Julian I am ready to hold this little girl. I am scared to death and as the weeks pass me buy my anxiety increases. How am I going to take care of this little being? I know I have some experience under my belt but still, I am terrified. I want to be so happy and excited like most mom's but I can't. I just can't because I know that at any point complications can arise. Not that I am thinking negative thoughts or that I don't have faith! Please don't say that to me, faith is all I have to get me through.
This weekend is my baby shower, I am scared. Not because I am going to jinx it but scared because I feel like people are going to not remember Sami. I want this for Emma, she deserves to be celebrated because her life is everything to me but Sami's life is too. I just feel so cheated because I never got to experience this stuff with her. How is possible to always feel happy and sad at the same time? Those emotions are always together now and I can't separate them. I am one of those girls now that can laugh hysterically and be crying at the same time. I do this quite often, sometimes I think I am really crazy. My husband keeps me grounded and I am so thankful for that. He really understands me without having show his emotions like me. It must be so hard to be a grieving man. I will have to post about that later. For now I will leave you with some pictures that were taken this past weekend.

Julian giving Emma kisses

The cord in front of her, kind of scares me







Missing Marie

It seems like it was just yesterday that I heard her voice but it really hasn't. A whole year has gone by without her. Writing this the tears are flowing because this wasn't supposed to happen. Last year I was asking for prayers and a miracle but God had other plans. Marie was not meant to finish her life here with us. We are having her a mass and a lunch to celebrate her beautiful life but it is not the way we ever anticipated her celebration. Not a single moment goes by that I don't think of her. The only comfort I have is knowing that she is taking care of Sami for me. I know Sami isn't alone and I love knowing that. That was just Marie, taking care of everyone first.
I replay the 19th and 20th of February in my head all the time even though I wish I didn't. Sometimes I wish I could block it out so I wouldn't hurt so much. This past year watching my brother and his kids learn to live a new life without her has been hard. He is doing such a great job but what choice does he have really? It is like me being a loss mom, I don't have a choice I just roll with it. I see him and he just looks so empty all the time. That was his best friend for so many years, they truly loved each other. Their story was just so perfect, high school sweethearts. I wish I had an answer for why she had to leave so soon. So many of us are just taken back by her loss. My family is different because she is missing. Sami was the first to leave us and that rocked us to the core and a short 4 months later Marie. It was just so sudden, none of us were prepared for that fateful day.
I miss her so badly, I miss her voice and I hate the fact that she is not going to be here to share in Emma's life.
Recently I was going through some papers and I found a card she gave me while I was pregnant with Sami. Here is what is said....

Amazing right? She is my guardian angel, she said it herself.

My niece started a blog (my mom, my superhero) a few months back, she doesn't write often but I like knowing that she is somehow expressing her feelings about the passing of her mom. If you get a chance stop on by and let her know that you are praying for her. She has been through so much this year. I don't think the days without Marie get any easier.

I miss her but I love knowing that Sami is with her. Sami is in the best care possible. My guardian angel is watching her for me until we all meet again. I can't wait for that reunion. As look back and remember Marie I realize how great she was, she did so many unselfish things for everyone. She was an angel even here on earth.
Marie, I love you and miss you so much. When I dream of you, you always look so happy and radiant. Thank you for letting me know that you are well and you haven't forgotten me. It fills my heart with peace.

Marie playing with Julian

Looking beautiful as ever here.

Hope

I wanted to get an early start on this post. The wonderful Franchesca from Small Bird Studios has come up with a great idea for the 19th of every month. The point of this is HOPE!!! To encourage one and other in some way. It gives us all a chance to share our stories of encouragement. She is calling it Small Miracles. I think the title speaks for itself. Once we loose someone we put our faith in hopes of finding peace or something that will bring us comfort. I know so many of these woman (especially Fran) have brought my heart hope for a better tomorrow.

Hope means to wish for something with expectation of it's fulfillment. I really do hope her dream is fulfilled and we continue this and grow from the grief that lies within our hearts. I know I have grown in the past 16 months so much. I thought it wasn't possible to feel this way. Today I can smile without feeling guilty. I know no matter how much times passes that Sami will always be near me. I gave up on looking for signs from her but when I really need it she sends them my way. It could be from a comment from Julian or a butterfly crossing my path. I know in my heart she is there. Sometimes a simple breeze can make me feel like she is near. It is moments like that that give me hope. It is all I have to get me through sometimes. Looking back to where I was to now gives me confidence that my life is continuing in a positive way. I am living my life and embracing it no matter what challenges have be brought to me.

Holding Sami and telling her that I love her

 This day I felt like I couldn't breathe. A piece of me was taken with her as she took her last breath. I was so happy to be holding her but so heart broken knowing that would be the last time.

27 weeks with Emma

Here I am now with my husband with a broken heart but with hope for a better tomorrow. Embracing the gift that God has blessed us with once again.











For some of you who are early on your journey of grief and you feel like you can't catch your breath trust in yourself and know that you will be able to some day. You will find yourself wondering how you made it this far without falling apart literally.  I hope many of you join in on this, it doesn't have to be this month or the next just whenever you feel ready.

Happy Valentine's Day

I want to wish you each one of you a Happy Valentine's Day.

May it bring you more love than ever. I know for many this is just another day but I hope at some point in the day so are filled with warmth in your heart. For all of you on this loss journey days like today are not easy. Thinking of you all of your and your sweet babies.

Today I am home with Julian, he woke up with the stomach flu so not so much of a fun day for me. he is taking a nap at the moment so I got a little break. This past weekend we took Julian and Sami to take pictures. Julian did not like it at first but then he got into it, thank goodness because we got some really cute pictures. I was not going to take Sami with us but I just couldn't leave her home. My valentine's gift wouldn't be complete without her there with Julian. The girl taking the pictures must of thought I was a little off by wanting Julian to take pictures with a pink bear but she just put two and two together and her demeanor changed. She was so kind and gentle that it made me want to cry. I miss her and I wish she was here. I have been so emotional lately. Not sure if it's the pregnancy hormones or what. 

I will leave you with some pictures of my love's.  

Sami

He loves her so much

My handsome Julian

My favorite!



♥Love♥

I have been asked to be a part of this special celebration of love by Mattie.  You can click here Beauty will Rise or you can also click on the button to the left of my blog. She doing giveaways this month so stop on over to her blog.Thank you Mattie for thinking of me!

What is love? Wow, that is a hard question to answer because love is such a complex emotion. Love is blissful, naive, exciting and it is painful in a sense along with many other things. I would like to think that we all have felt that spark of love that shoots down to the very core of us because of someone’s touch. Sometimes love can make us naive because we are afraid of letting go. Love is exciting because it is comes in all kinds of ways. Pain because we love so much that is hard to be apart from a person, like a child crying for their parent or a parent crying for their child.

In my lifetime I have been so blessed to be surrounded by love. I love to love and I love to receive it. I am spoiled because I have so much of it in my life. I come from a HUGE family (I am the baby of 10) and I know that both of my parents, my brother’s and sister love me in their own unique way. No love is the same and I completely understand that emotion. Love can go unspoken for a length of time but we still know that at the end of the day it is still there, how amazing is that? It is not always fun like when we do something that would not be beneficial to us and we get that stern talking to from a worried parent but it is OK because we learn from it. Love makes is grow into different people. If it was not for the love that my family has shown me I do not think I would be able to love as freely as I do.

As a wife and mother have come to know and see love in a completely different way, again making it so exciting for me. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, he is my best friend. I love him so much and I cannot imagine my life without him. Through the years the love we have for each other has gotten so much stronger and it is much more intense. I would say that our children had a little something to do with that. Watching him learn how to parent has been amazing, he so good at it. Of course there are times when I have to roll my eyes about something but I know he does the same about me. We have been faced with the challenge of being parents to a child in heaven and it does not seem fair in our young lives but through it all our love prevails and we keep moving forward one day at a time hand in hand. If it was not for his love and support I would be so lost. Now the moment Julian entered my life I really understood what they meant about true love. It was instant even before I held him in my arms. That tiny little being just rocked my world. Now that he is getting a little bit older his "mommy, I love you's" just make me feel like I am floating on cloud nine. Sami took my love one step further even though I thought that was not possible. I wish things were different but for some reason she was only meant to be here briefly in our lives.  I know my precious Sami whispers her "love you's" to me too and that just warms my heart. Soon enough little Emma will be here and show me once again that my love can stretch way more.

I hope every single person has the type of love that goes on and on. It is the best feeling in the world.

Dreams

Why can't I have normal dreams? My dreams are pretty wacky especially being pregnant but last night my dream was horrible. Why can't death escape me in my sleep? I had this horrible dream that we had a precious baby boy with the lightest skin color. The doctors told me he wasn't able to eat or breathe well so he was going to die. They didn't want to do anything to help my husband and I, we were desperate to save this little being. Julian was with us crying for the baby and here I was trying to save my other from pain. I felt so torn and desperate. The appeared to no longer be breathing and my husband held him and was crying so loud but then the baby awoke and looked at us with this look that I can't describe. I know this little being was going to another place by that look but it just left me broken. I felt the pain like I did when I had just learned of Sami's passing but this time I wasn't at peace with it. I felt so horrible that no one wanted to help him or us. We were so alone and scared. I don't think I have been OK with waking up so early but I was glad that I woke up and seeing Julian sleeping peacefully and my husband getting ready for work. I was just a really bad dream, a dream I never want to have again.
This has me thinking about the desperation we feel as parents when we can't save our children. I know that what happened to Sami was beyond my control but I can't help feeling guilty at times that perhaps it was my body that failed her and Faith. My body should have been able to split them and made both whole but it didn't. I hate that there was nothing I could have done.
I think I had this horrible dream because I was watching TV and watched part of a show (don't remember the channel) but it was about a boy in India that was born with extra limbs. His mother said that when he was first born she didn't want to hold him because she was afraid. Just found something online about him, see here. They were getting a lot of attention from people that made them really uncomfortable so they asked for help.  Thankfully the boy was able to have the limbs removed and he is doing well now. The thing that got to me the most was the fact that they kept saying "parasitic twin"----A parasitic twin occurs when a twin embryo begins to develop in the mother but, ultimately, does not separate. This results in a semi-formed twin adjoined to the body of the developed twin. I know what they mean by it but it still bothers me because that was me, I had parasitic twins but never seen them that way. In my mind it seems like they are saying parasite or something and it gets me mad. Faith was no parasite in my eyes and even if they would have looked different my love wouldn't be any different.
Sorry about this rambling post of mine.
I hope I have a nicer dream tonight so that I don't have to relieve that pain and desperation again. Have a great weekend everyone.

Has it really been...

Has it really been 1 year, 2 months, 4 weeks since Sami was in my arms? I hate that time continues and days like today I am stuck. I am stuck with what should have been. I don't like to go there, I like to just see each day as a day closer to being reunited with her.

I miss her with every inch of my soul.  I know she is safe, I know that she is taken care of better than I ever could have but I hate that I didn't get a chance to find that out for myself. I hate that I didn't have the chance to be up at night with a crying baby. In a matter of weeks God will bless me again with an opportunity however Emma isn't Sami. I hate that I feel guilty that Sami never had the chance to know me as a her mom. I feel guilty that Emma will be looked at by many as a replacement and she isn't.
Last night while putting on Julian's pj's he was playing and trying to get away from me, while he accidentally gave me a good kick in the belly. I froze, I just froze I couldn't help but think that Emma could be taken from me (thankfully she was kicking away after). I stood there Julian knew what he did and he said "sorry mommy, sorry Sami" but in a second he corrected himself and said "sorry Emma" he kept kissing my belly and he kept talking to her. I knew he felt really bad because he even went to tell my husband what he did. I hate that my 3 year is also scared.  He is way to small to know about death. I am just heart broken right. This void in my heart is just so overwhelming at times.

Sami, sweetheart I miss you, I love you and I wish that you were here with me. Please continue to visit Julian, I just love how he feels you so close all the time. It brings peace to my heart. Do you hear him every time he says that you live in heart? It pains me to hear him say that but it's true, you will continue live in our hearts always.

New year, new look

I am still hopeful that this year is going to be bring great things even though there are some stresses in my life that I could be without right now but I am not going to dwell on them at the moment. It is what is!
So how do you look my new blog look? Thank you to Franchesca at Small Bird Studio for once again working so hard to create this beautiful design. She just keeps on amazing me.

So do you guys resolutions that you are sticking with or already gave up on? I did not make any resolutions this year but I am determined to be a better person. It seems like the past 2 years I have not been myself for obvious reasons. I kind miss me, the old me will never be but I would like to find myself again. I am tired of just living day to day. I want to be hopeful for the future like I once used to be. I guess I am off to a great start because I have allowed myself to enjoy this pregnancy and embrace every second of it without always having to worry if she is going to be ok or not. Step one was buying the crib and little by little I get things here and there. So many people have already gotten her things, she is so spoiled this girl! I am trying to work on my feelings of guilt since I wasn't able to do these things when I was pregnant with Sami. It is still hard but I tell myself this is how God planned my life and I will just run with it. He knows how it will all end and until then I will just continue embracing this life of mine. Sami is never far from my thoughts and my heart. Not one second goes by that I do not think of her. Being a mom to a child here on earth and in heaven is hard work.

The Wishing Tree

So excited that Sami's name was added to the The Wishing Tree.   I think this is such a great idea and it so simple too. I tell you some people are just so creative! I love seeing Sami's name everywhere, it just warms my heart to the core. If you would like to have your baby's name added stop by the site and make a request. She is so quick to respond.
Wishing everyone a good weekend!