Happy Birthday my love

HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!

Has it really been 2 years since I kissed that precious face? It seems like it was just yesterday because I remember every detail like it just happened.  On October 26, 2009 at 5:04AM, my world was blessed by a precious 4 pound little angel. On that day I became a very special type of mom, a mom who cherishes each day and doesn't take one for granted. A mom who loves like crazy and a mom who can say she held her very own angel. That to me makes a special person and that goes for every mom out there who has lost a precious child.

It has been so long since I last wrote, October is not easy for me but I kept busy. I am happy to say I achieved my goal for Sami's birthday. I have finished 10 care packages that I am going to deliver on her special day. I do not want my packages given away because that means that there is another special mom out there but if and when it happens I want them to know that they are not alone. I remember feeling so lost when I left the hospital and that was because I had time to prepare so I can't imagine someone who goes in expecting a happy outcome but doesn't. Sami I hope you are proud of your mommy because you keep giving me strength to carry on. Everything I do is in your honor baby girl.
This past Sunday we had a birthday celebration for her and were going to release some sky lanterns but the wind had other plans. I hope that tomorrow night we will be able to light the sky so she can see that she is never forgotten along with many of her angel friends.

SAMI I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, MY HEART ACHES EVERY MOMENT BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT HERE BUT I KNOW ONE DAY I WILL HOLD YOU AGAIN. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING ME SUCH A SPECIAL MOM...

Here are some pictures of my care packages (THANK YOU to everyone who helped me)

Thank you Franchesca Cox for creating these beautiful cards

It's soon approaching

Her day is soon approaching and the thought of it is weighing on me. I know her birthday is a day of celebration but it is also such a difficult day for me. I had been fine but as I look at the calender and see October just a few days away I am filled with such sad emotions. Two years have fast approached and I have many things to be grateful for but still this void never seems to ease up. I am sure from the outside I look fine, I laugh, I smile but I am still broken. I will be forever, I except that now but it still isn't easy. I had a whole year to prepare you would think it would be easier for me. Perhaps having Emma here with me makes it a little harder because I have realized how much I missed out on Sami.

I feel really bad that I neglected this blog lately because I really need it and I miss following up with everyone but I just have had no time. I am officially a stay home mommy and I am yet to find a routine. I have realized going to work is sometimes a little easier. I am not complaining because I LOVE my new job I just need to learn to manage my time better and allow a little bit of me time here and there. This space is comforting to me, I still need it. Like I said time has passed but that doesn't mean that I still don't feel lost from time to time.

Right now the kids are sleeping as I should be but I just want to take in the quietness. My husband is out of town again this week and it always seems to be like my real emotional moments are when he isn't here. I just need to let out a good cry and prepare myself for October. What is that saying "take the bull by the horns" that will be me for the most part of October but I know I will fall flat on my face with grief and emotion at some point. I feel like someone needs to take the lead and I will just follow. Last year I was so consumed with her birthday memorial party and being newly pregnant with Emma that I guess I was just not allowing myself to deal it emotionally. This year my plans were to have the care packages dropped off at the hospital on her day but I am a little behind and I also want to do something special celebrate her with my close family and friends. I just feel stuck, I need a little push to get out this little pitty party that I am having right now. I need Sami to send me her love and strength, I need it more than ever right now.

Hello blog world

Is August almost over? Hard to believe how fast time passes. Having to care for two little one's I suppose will help speed up time.
Julian is funny as ever and so sweet and well Emma is a little chunker full of toothless smiles. Being at home with them this whole time has been a real blessing. I am sad I missed so much with Julian but he was always in good hands.
Sami's birthday is almost here and I finally got the OK from the hospital to drop of care packages for other loss mom's. I am really excited about this and now trying to figure out a budget and how I am going to get this really going because I don't want it to be just be once a year thing but one step at a time. I am also trying to figure out how and what other celebration I am going to do for her. For sure a remembrance mass so I can share with family and friend's but not sure what else. I love celebrating birthday's and just because she isn't here doesn't mean I can't celebrate right? People might see it as weird but I really don't care what they think. I can't believe two years are approaching and I am still living. I was talking my hubs a few nights back and we both agree that the first few months felt like there was no way out. Now we still hurt but we handle it differently. Emma for sure has helped us grow, again I will emphasize that she is in no way a replacement but my heart once again has joy in it. I am sure many of you loss mom's can relate to those early days where it felt like there was no sun in sight and as time passes and rainbow's born you find yourself alive again. It is a great feeling!!!
I love being comfortable in saying I have 3 kids when people ask. I don't feel weird saying one is in heaven because it is not weird, it is my new life. I don't even give them a chance to give me that pitty look because I am not saying it for sympathy. So be careful when you ask a parent how many kids they have because you never know who you are asking. There are days of course that are still difficult to cope with you of course but I know that will be for the rest of my life. I will wipe the tears as I have done all these months and keep moving forward. I want to make Sami proud that her mama is a survivor and she keeps going.

I have not had a chance to really follow everyone's blogs but that doesn't mean that I don't pray for you guys and wish all the best. Thank goodness for facebook because I keep up there as best as I can. So from now until October I will be busy with making care packages and figuring out a way to remember Sami on her birthday. ((HUGS)) to everyone.

Do you see her?

On Friday I was excited because Emma was getting her first shower so I had to snap a picture. Once I looked at it I was so shocked to see a profile on the wall behind Emma... Lets see if you are able to see it too....

Things like this make me smile. Oh and this morning out of the blue Julian said Sami likes chocolate, lol.

Recovery

Yesterday I had surgery because I had an umbilical hernia that needed to get fixed. I got this hernia after I had Julian, they say it can be caused by a long labor and well after 33 hrs I guess it was a given. It has just gotten worse throughout the years. I am in pain but I will be fine, the pain I was in after I delivered Emma was worse. The only thing is that I am not supposed to lift more than 10lbs for 6 weeks!!! How is that going to be possible with 2 month old at home? I could go stay at my mom's but that means I won't be able to see my husband during the week and I can't handle that and there is nothing like sleeping in your own bed. For the next few days he will be home with me so I will not worry about anything until I really need to. I am glad I got it fixed now because it was really bothering me and it was only going to get worse. The Dr said it was worse than she thought : (

So now I sit here getting pampered by my husband and it feels so weird. I HATE just sitting around doing nothing.  I could handle that for an hour or two. I guess we will have to make it a movie day today. I just hope the pain starts to ease soon. I really don't want to take the pain meds for much longer. I was still breastfeeding but now I really can't. My milk supply was already dwindling down but I was still able to give something but now with the meds and not being able to lift her I just can't. I know Emma doesn't mind she is not a picky eater she takes the bottle really well. We have her on soy formula like we had Julian, both have a sensitive tummy. Julian out grew it so I hope Emma does to eventually.

Emma is so talkative these days, she is going to be a little chatterbox!!! She fills our home with so much love and laughter. She still makes those facial expressions that resemble Sami's and I love it. I get sad knowing I missed so much of this with Sami. I know Sami is watching us from above and perhaps making Emma smile.

Love

Julian is the only person who speaks of Sami all the time and I love it. He loves his sister's. We went camping last weekend and as we drove onto the beach he remembered her name written on the sand. He kept saying "like Sami mommy" he is seriously so adorable. I have even heard him tell Emma something about her like he was trying to tell her something about her sister.
When Sami passed one of her nurses gave us a pink teddy bear with wings. Julian never plays with it because he knows it is for Sami but for some reason last night he wanted to hold the bear. He kept saying her name but I couldn't understand what he was trying to tell me about her. Anyhow, he fell asleep with his monkey friend and the bear. When I walked into the room this is how I found him, I just had to take a picture of this.

How sweet is this?

Emma is so blessed to have big brother like Julian. Sami may not be here with us but she is never far from our thoughts and always lives in our hearts and Emma will definitely know about her big sister.

We baptized Emma a few weeks ago and of course Sami bear joined us.

I loved that our priest included Sami in our ceremony. To me when anyone mentions her name I just instantly smile. It doesn't cause any sadness in my heart that is for sure. When it happens it just validates that she was real and existed even if it was for a short while. 

Monday blues

Sami at Emma's baptism

I woke up today with such a huge void in my heart, I miss her. I miss her so much and I find myself wondering what she would be doing today even though I normally don't allow myself to do that. 20 months have gone by since I held her, smelled her and felt her breath on me. So much has changed in my life for the better of course but still there is a void within me. Emma has filled my life with so much joy and happiness, I smile more because of her and I love her more because of Sami. I am a different mom now compared to when Julian was little. I guess you can say I do not take anything for granted. Emma is what most people would consider spoiled but I don't. Emma is a different child, only a parent with a rainbow baby would understand what I am trying to say. Every breath she takes I soke it in because I am in constant fear that she will also be taken from me. I hate that every little thing that I notice different on her freaks me out and I think that she is going to get sick. It is kind of morbid and I HATE it. I wish I didn't have to live this way but on a positive note I love my kids more than ever. With Julian, I hold him extra tight and tell him I love him a hundred times a day because you just never know.

How I wish she was here running around while I try to tend to Emma thinking to myself that I am crazy for having my kids so close in age. Days like today I have tell myself that she is safe in God's arms and with Marie who is taking the best care of her. One day I will hold her again and see her precious face.

Sami visits

I have been horrible at keeping up with this blog lately : ( I have had a few visits from Sami but haven't had the chance to write about them.

When Emma was only 1 week old her and I were in the living room and I guess we both dozed off when we were both awaken by the sound of the softest music. I even had to get up and look around for what I thought was a toy or like a mobile for a crib! It was insane, I thought I was going crazy but we heard it because we both woke up at the same time but she peacefully when back to sleep. I just started crying because something like that had never happened to me and more so because I knew it was Sami. I had such a warm feeling come over me. I wish I could experience that feeling more often. Then later that week Julian was playing in his room when he ran into our room with a frantic look on his face and I asked what happened then he was calm again, he said "there was an angel in my room" I said "what do you mean an angel?" He again said "an angel on my pillow and SHE was walking like this" (arching his arms out and moving them as if there were feathers while walking slowly) my husband came out of the restroom and started to ask him if he was scared and he said "no daddy, I not scared" then he went on to talk about Sami and Papa Jesus of course at this point we were both in tears. Twice in one week how amazing

Sunday at my mom's once again the butterfly was flying by me. It is weird that it is always at my mom's house where I spent my last weeks of her pregnancy there.  I know I have posted a picture (another visit) before of this little butterfly but here it was once again looking so beautiful.

This was when I got to my mom's in the morning

Then again in the afternoon!

It's been so long

I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted but I have been busy and tired. I am now adjusting to my new routine with a new baby. Julian continues to be amazing and only once he called Emma Sami. It pulled at my heart but I nicely corrected him and he sweetly said "sorry Emma". My husband and I are afraid of doing that especially once she is older. There is a particular face she makes that makes her look just like Sami. It has made me cry plenty of times. The baby blues are going away and I am glad because I was tired of crying for no reason. I would see her and just start balling. Having this little girl is such a blessing that I cannot say thank you enough to the Lord above.

I am so sad that I never had the chance to hold and kiss Sami all the time like I can with Emma but I know I will one day. There is no doubt in my mind that she is waiting for me. Everyday that passes I am thankful that I got another day with Julian and Emma and at the same time thankful that I am one day closer to Sami.

There is a hungry little one calling out for me so this is a short one but so far in 2 weeks she has grown an inch and has gained 13 oz... Not bad at all if I say so myself.

May 6, 2011

Sorry I wasn't able to post anything but Friday was a busy day for us. My day started early as we had to get Julian to mom's early enough for me to give  him lots of extra hugs and kisses and it worked because he knew something was happening. He didn't cry and he held me extra tight when he hugged me. It was hard not cry in front of him. I was already nervous and anxious to get to the hospital. We arrived at 9am and I checked myself in, not how I imagined Emma's birth to be but it all worked out.
I was trying not to shake and control my emotions because the last I was there well it was a whole lot different. I was sent to room 206, how I wanted room 212 so bad. I wanted to feel her presence in there like the last time but I knew that no matter what room I would be Sami would be there with me. I was contracting on my own and I believe still at 2 cm so we just waited. We had a wonderful nurse with such a happy personality, she is what I needed at that moment. Around 1pm or nothing really changed so I was given some pill, sorry can't remember the name. It is just to help thin out the cervix if I am correct. Then we walked and walked some more. I walked passed room 212 and couldn't help but cry, it was just instant tears. I wanted to knock on the door just to peek in there but of course I didn't.

Around 4pm, I was at 3cm and pitocin was started. The contractions were getting stronger but nothing to make me feel to uncomfortable. I was still smiling and laughing wishing I could sleep but I  just can't nap for the life of me.

As you can tell it wasn't bad at this point

Around 8pm or so I noticed the contractions were slowing down and more spaced apart so I kind of started to worry. I believe at this point I was 6cm. Forgot to mention 7pm nurse shift change... I got my favorite nurses who were with me when Sami was born. I think Sami knew how well they would take care of and Emma and had it worked because what are the chances that they both would be working? AMAZING!!!

Anyhow at this point I was debating on having an epidural or not since the contractions were strong but spaced apart but I didn't want not have the option. Around 9 I started to notice a spike in the contractions and asked for the epidural. It was a quick change because I was no longer smiling by this point. Angie (nurse) said I was going to go really quick so she called in for a delivery cart and here I was thinking I still had a few hours to go! I got my epidural, then my doctor came to check me and the by 10:15 I was pushing. It was HARD, Emma was sunny side up and doing a number on my back. I had to be given an episiotomy (ouch). I felt more tugging than ever while having a child. The NICU team had to be called because Emma's heart rate kept dropping. My husband and I were terrified and I was trying to concentrate on getting her out as soon as possible. I felt like I would be pushing for hours like with Julian but thankfully although still a while at 11:35 pm Emma Elliana came into this world. Weighing 7 lbs 11 oz 19 in. NICU checked her out first and gave a clean bill of health. THANK YOU LORD. While pushing I kept asking, God, Sami and Marie to give me the strength to do so because I felt like I couldn't do it anymore.

Daddy cutting the cord





Nurse Cheryl

My glow worm

Priceless moment

I feel bad that I was in so much pain after that I didn't get to enjoy the first few hours of her arrival. It makes me feel like such a bad mom because I had been dreaming of that moment forever but again her labor was short but it was hard. Her labor took a toll on my body. I am not sure what was causing my pain, my uterus was really hard and I don't know what happened. All I know is that I was given morphine and something else, I was still screaming in pain. I didn't even do that while pushing. Once I was taken to my post partum room it was really intense and morphine was given to me again. It was bad, it wasn't until about 8am that I finally started to feel OK. I finally got to enjoy my little one and stare into her eyes (I can't keep my off of them now). Having her is such a wonderful feeling and I see Sami in her yet she has her own look which I love. It has been a roller coaster of emotions that I can't really put into words at the moment. I am blessed and I feel the love from up above. Here are more photos I wanted to share.



Julian meeting her for the first time



Matching booties like her big sister Sami and rainbow pants



Getting ready to go home



Daddy getting her all set to go with his daddy of an angel bracelet for Sami

I got my wish

May 6, 2011

Tomorrow on my due date I will be induced. Pray that everything goes well and that I get to finally come home with a baby in my arms hopefully on Mother's day! Today I had an NST done and she passed with flying colors. This week we have spent so much time bonding with Julian as his world is going to change so much. My son knows something is happening. Today he told me he doesn't want Emma to come because the doctor is going to hurt my tummy! I just love that little boy so much.

Last night I had a dream that I desperately needed this week... Marie was coming back to us and she seemed really tired and kind of not ready to face our world again but she did however stop to tell me about Sami. She said that she is very spoiled because Marie always had her in her arms, Sami laughs a lot and is a very happy little girl. She also said she always has on the prettiest dresses. I woke up and had a long good cry, I mean one where I couldn't catch my breath. It has been such a long road and as much as I want and need Sami here, I love knowing that she is happy in heaven. Knowing that Marie is holding her close just makes me so happy. I know they are both together and are both so happy. God is great and heaven is really real just like the book.

I will try to have someone update for me on miss Emma's arrival. Pray all goes well.
For now I leave you pictures from this week.

To many things around for Julian, lol.

Sami's brick with a Toy Story balloon

Real soon my belly will be gone

Julian with his HAPPY face

18 months

Has it really been 18 months since I had Sami? Where has the time gone? She should be making a mess of my house by taking things apart and trying to put them back together or she should be trying to copy what i do more. Makes me sad that I do not get to experience those milestones with her. I was telling my husband last night how our lives be so different had we had her and being pregnant with Emma. He said I would drive him crazy since he knows everything annoys me right now, lol. As of today I am more than ready to have Emma, my body is beyond exhausted. Emotionally, I am all over the place. I think having another baby girl is really getting to me. Emma will never replace Sami but seeing all her clothes hanging makes me think of Sami even more and what I missed with her. I am super excited to be a mom to another baby girl but I am so scared. I don't ever want to make Emma feel like if it wasn't for Sami's passing that she wouldn't be here because that is so not the case. Thinking about that makes me cry because I love my kids so much and I never want to make them feel anything other than pure love from me. I know one day I will hold Sami again but the selfish part of me wants that now. I want to hear her baby babble and her adorable laugh, I just want her here with me.

Baby update: I went to the Dr yesterday and he said if she isn't here by the 3rd he will induce me. That made my day since that day is my birthday. What a special gift that would be right? I wonder how overwhelmed I will be once Emma is placed on my chest after delivery. I have never had the normal experience like I have mentioned before so this being my third will bring on so many new experiences for me, I can't wait for it! Our bags are packed and I am ready. I hope she comes on her own because I really don't want to be induced but we shall see what happens in the next few days.

I will leave you with a family picture from Easter Sunday.

I love how Julian holds Sami!

Take a guess

Just for fun since my due date is so close....

Guess Emma's Birthdate

I am feeling ver ready to have this baby now. I am still scared out of mind because I live in a world now where babies die. I wish I didn't have to sound so morbid but it's something I have to live with everyday. I try not to think of everything that can go wrong but sometimes that is just not possible. I will be able to breathe normally once she is here healthy and safe in my arms.  I think it is going to be so weird to have a baby in my room right after birth that is healthy. Weird that this is my 3rd and have not had that experience, so please pray that I get to experience this once she is born.

Today I went to the doctor and he said any moment now, I have started to dialate so we shall see when she will arrive. I guess I should start getting my bag ready just in case right? I remember packing my bag after my water broke at home with Sami (not fun). I was exactly 38 weeks pregnant with her when she was born, tomorrow I will be 38 weeks with Emma. Now it's just a waiting game. I hope to be able to post soon that she has arrived.

Don't forget to take a guess, a little prize will be in store for the winner.

Where I am today

It's been a while to get to read post and actually write one. Being home I have not had a chance to relax or sit for a second. Julian has me busy, rearranging everything at home and cleaning up has had me exhausted but I know it will all be worth it. My body is tired, the last weeks of pregnancy are hard. I ache pretty much everywhere but I will do it again, I love being a mommy. My belly is  huge and I bump it everywhere these days (sorry Emma). Emotionally I have been a little bad. I miss Sami more and more as the birth of Emma gets closer. I find myself wondering more and more who she would be like or how she would be at almost 18 months old. I have much happier days now but that pain is still so present in my heart. Just when I think I am used it to it creeps back like it was just yesterday.
Hopefully I will have more time on my hands by the end of the week to keep everyone up to date with my life. I feel so lost when I am not reading blogs or writing a little something. Hope everyone is well ((HUGS)).

Almost at the finish line

I can't believe it, almost at the finish line. I can see it ahead of me and I am so excited. In a few weeks I will once again be blessed by giving birth to a beautiful baby. I keep telling myself that because I can't imagine how much my life is going to change once again. From this I am going to learn and grow so much more, looking forward to it. This will be my last week at work and I couldn't be happier. I am so exhausted and I want to be home to get my house ready (still haven't done anything from my last post).
Julian is getting more and more excited, not a day goes by that he doesn't hug and kiss my belly. I think he must of had a dream of her or something because he woke up one day pretending to cry like Emma and telling me that he is going to give her a bottle and pacifier to make her stop, lol. He has no idea how much his life is going to change but I am sure he is going to be the best big brother ever. He still mentions Sami and hugs her blanket all the time especially at night. It brings comfort to him like it does to me. I miss her, I miss her more than I show but I try to not let my hurt stop me from smiling. I often wonder how I am going to react when Emma arrives. I wonder if she is going to resemble Sami in some ways, in a way I hope not because I feel like it will be harder for me. I know Emma will help me with my healing process although I will never be completely healed.

Wish me luck

I have been so lazy to write lately and I feel like I have left out so much of what I have been feeling lately. Last night for no reason at all I was just so emotional. I sat in my living room and just cried staring at Sami’s pictures. I miss her so much. In a few weeks I will have a healthy baby in my arms but Emma isn’t Sami and she will never take her place. I always play back the moments that we had with Sami and I can’t believe it happened to us. Most people are so fortunate to never be in our place. Having to watch your baby take her last breath, seeing the color of her skin change and the worst having some strangers take her away from your arms. I wish I could sometimes block some of those moments from my life but that means I would be forgetting her and the good and bad times I had with her. This just sucks!


Emma will be here in a matter of weeks and I am terrified. I want to experience her homecoming like most “normal” moms. I want to believe that her birth will be something I have been dreaming of all my life. With Julian he had a rough start so I walked out without a baby in my arms. I can’t go through that again, I just can’t! I had a great pregnancy with him but a horrible labor, one that almost cost him his life. My son was blue and not crying, not what I had expected at all. With Sami I obviously walked out with empty arms again so Emma has to come home with me. I don’t want a NICU stay no matter how short it may be. I am jealous of other moms and just want a normal birth experience this time. Sami, if you are listening can you please put in a good word for your baby sister and I?

This weekend we picked up Emma’s crib, exciting for most terrifying to me. It is still in the box in my garage, will be it ready before she arrives we shall see. Besides some of Emma’s clothes being washed there is no sign of a baby coming home in my house. That is so not like me. I told my husband this weekend was going to be the weekend that we start getting ready but he has to be out of town for work so that will not happen. I want to change rooms around and I can’t do any of the heavy lifting. Hopefully I will be able to somewhat start. I am almost 35 weeks so I need to get my butt in gear! Does anyone want to volunteer and get my home ready? Lol, it will be done eventually. Oh yeah when we picked up the crib we bought a custom bear for a boy and bunny for a girl to give to mothers with empty arms when we go deliver Emma. I am excited to put something those care packages together. It will be my thank you to the wonderful hospital where I will deliver at. Like I said by Sami’s birthday I plan to have more.

Wish me luck with getting my home ready for Emma!!!

♥ I am so blessed ♥

I had my baby shower this past Saturday. I was exhausted but I felt so blessed to be surrounded by so many people who cares for me and baby Emma. Emotionally I was all over the place all day. At times I wanted to just laugh and other times just cry. It was so weird to be honest because I didn't know what I felt. Even now I am still trying to process it all. In a few weeks there is going to be a baby girl in my arms.
Right now my living room is full of Emma's things and I just can't wrap my heart around the fact that this is really happening to me. I have nothing ready for her, I am glad I didn't go crazy and buy her all kinds of things because I wouldn't know where to put it all. We received so many things for her including a bib that says "I ♥ my big sister" that I just adore and it made me want to cry. Julian is getting more and more excited for her arrival, he just loves her. It is so sweet because he hugs and kisses my belly all the time but   he mentions Sami being in his heart. I am so glad he is getting another chance at being a big brother. I know they are going to drive me crazy but I am really looking forward to it. Part of me feels like I am a new mom all over again. Maybe because Emma is a girl? I am used to boy things now.

This pregnancy is going by so fast as much as I want her here I want time to slow down because part of me feels so unprepared. I can't wait to go on maternity leave so I can be home and really get my home prepared for her. How my life is going to change again in a matter of weeks!! Here are some photos of our special Emma day! 





 Our Shower

 

A Different Child poem



 

Our rainbow cake

 

Centerpieces with Butterlfies remembering Sami



So many gifts!



Us

 

Already spoiled by her God parents!


 



My friend went crazy on her gift!

I just love this!!!!



Where is the time going?

Are we already into the second week of March? It doesn't seem real to me. First I would like to congratulate all the mommas who have had their rainbows. A few hick ups along the road but none the less they have arrived. Sending extra prayers for baby Carter who hopefully has a short stay in the NICU and for Kristin as she recovers from the birth of her twins.

I can't believe it's been so long since I have last posted. All is well with me besides the usual emotional roller coaster. I supposed my emotions are enhanced by this pregnancy. Almost 32 weeks now but I feel like I am already 40. Feeling blessed to have this little wiggle away but I would be lying if I said it has not taken a toll on my body. I am exhausted and chasing after Julian I am ready to hold this little girl. I am scared to death and as the weeks pass me buy my anxiety increases. How am I going to take care of this little being? I know I have some experience under my belt but still, I am terrified. I want to be so happy and excited like most mom's but I can't. I just can't because I know that at any point complications can arise. Not that I am thinking negative thoughts or that I don't have faith! Please don't say that to me, faith is all I have to get me through.
This weekend is my baby shower, I am scared. Not because I am going to jinx it but scared because I feel like people are going to not remember Sami. I want this for Emma, she deserves to be celebrated because her life is everything to me but Sami's life is too. I just feel so cheated because I never got to experience this stuff with her. How is possible to always feel happy and sad at the same time? Those emotions are always together now and I can't separate them. I am one of those girls now that can laugh hysterically and be crying at the same time. I do this quite often, sometimes I think I am really crazy. My husband keeps me grounded and I am so thankful for that. He really understands me without having show his emotions like me. It must be so hard to be a grieving man. I will have to post about that later. For now I will leave you with some pictures that were taken this past weekend.

Julian giving Emma kisses

The cord in front of her, kind of scares me







Missing Marie

It seems like it was just yesterday that I heard her voice but it really hasn't. A whole year has gone by without her. Writing this the tears are flowing because this wasn't supposed to happen. Last year I was asking for prayers and a miracle but God had other plans. Marie was not meant to finish her life here with us. We are having her a mass and a lunch to celebrate her beautiful life but it is not the way we ever anticipated her celebration. Not a single moment goes by that I don't think of her. The only comfort I have is knowing that she is taking care of Sami for me. I know Sami isn't alone and I love knowing that. That was just Marie, taking care of everyone first.
I replay the 19th and 20th of February in my head all the time even though I wish I didn't. Sometimes I wish I could block it out so I wouldn't hurt so much. This past year watching my brother and his kids learn to live a new life without her has been hard. He is doing such a great job but what choice does he have really? It is like me being a loss mom, I don't have a choice I just roll with it. I see him and he just looks so empty all the time. That was his best friend for so many years, they truly loved each other. Their story was just so perfect, high school sweethearts. I wish I had an answer for why she had to leave so soon. So many of us are just taken back by her loss. My family is different because she is missing. Sami was the first to leave us and that rocked us to the core and a short 4 months later Marie. It was just so sudden, none of us were prepared for that fateful day.
I miss her so badly, I miss her voice and I hate the fact that she is not going to be here to share in Emma's life.
Recently I was going through some papers and I found a card she gave me while I was pregnant with Sami. Here is what is said....

Amazing right? She is my guardian angel, she said it herself.

My niece started a blog (my mom, my superhero) a few months back, she doesn't write often but I like knowing that she is somehow expressing her feelings about the passing of her mom. If you get a chance stop on by and let her know that you are praying for her. She has been through so much this year. I don't think the days without Marie get any easier.

I miss her but I love knowing that Sami is with her. Sami is in the best care possible. My guardian angel is watching her for me until we all meet again. I can't wait for that reunion. As look back and remember Marie I realize how great she was, she did so many unselfish things for everyone. She was an angel even here on earth.
Marie, I love you and miss you so much. When I dream of you, you always look so happy and radiant. Thank you for letting me know that you are well and you haven't forgotten me. It fills my heart with peace.

Marie playing with Julian

Looking beautiful as ever here.