I love little signs

The past few days have been pretty good. This past weekend we hung out with family and friends and I was actually able to enjoy myself. Of course never far from my mind is Sami. I couldn't help but remember last year and how on 4th of July she scared us because she wasn't really moving. We were at a friend's house and had to come home (I had forgotten to take my doppler) because there was no movement. I remember trying to enjoy myself but I really wasn't able to. I tried eating candy, drinking soda (that is bad) but I needed her to move for me and she wouldn't. I remember just praying and praying that everything was OK. We got home and couldn't get to the doppler fast enough. It took us a while to find her heartbeat but after sometime we finally got it. She was having a lazy day I suppose. I remember crying because I was so relieved. After that we went to my brother's and enjoyed the rest of the day. I was happy last 4th of July, this year was so different. I sat and was day dreaming about the cute little red, white and blue outfit she would have been wearing. I couldn't help it! Over all the weekend went well, I was even able to actually enjoy a Monday! That usually never happens for me.

Last night we needed to go to Target to get Julian some stuff. I have been OK lately seeing the little girl things but for some reason last night it got to me. I purposely walked on the other side to avoid that section because I just didn't want to see it. We were in the isle where they have the shampoo and lotions and right of front of me were the cutest little pink shoes, I cried. I didn't even think about it the tears just fell. My husband seen them too so he knew exactly what triggered my tears, he just just rubbed my back and quietly said "I am sorry."  This really sucks you know? We were in and out of there in record timing, for me a Target stop is never quick.
While I was driving home I was still a little unsettled by what had happened. I was getting onto the freeway and this slow car got in front of me and there was no way to switch lanes at that time. I was cursing at the car at this point when my husband laughed and told me someone was telling me to slow down and relax. I was like no way they just don't know how to drive!!! He told me to read their license plate and well I couldn't help but laugh and cry a little because it said "LIL SMMY." I was like OK little girl, you made your point!!! I had to slow down.  The car got off on the same exit just to get back on again. It was like it just got on to lead me to where I needed to go. It could have just been a coincidence but I took it as a sign from Sami.  It was just one of those things that I needed last night.

I miss her so much! I feel like I have been cheated one being a mom to a little girl and it got me thinking about us TTC. I want of course a healthy baby but the way I feel right now,  I really pray for a baby boy. I think I am scared to have a little girl because of what people are going to say such as "oh now you finally have your pair" or "you finally got your little girl." I am a mom to a little girl, a little girl in heaven! I don't want people to feel like I can replace her in any way. But then at the same time if I have a little boy again they are going to probably ask if I am going to try again for a little girl! I am scared, I am scared that by having another baby they will feel like I will be healed. I will never be healed. 8 months into this grieving process, I have learned to live a new life. A life that I am thankful for of course but at the same time a life that I never wanted. They say it gets easier with time, I don't think that is necessarily true but I do believe that we just learn to cope better. Really what choice do you have?

Feeling lost

Well I managed to make it through another funeral. Just 4 months ago I was at Marie’s and 4 months before that was Sami’s. I hope to go many years without having to attend another one. I can’t take them anymore. Briana was 10 yrs old and she looked beautiful in her Snow White outfit, she sure did look like a Disney princess. Vickie is one tough mama, she held up as best as she could. My heart aches for her so much. I pray they will be able to get through the days ahead.


These past few days have been really hard on me. I thought I was doing so well. I had been feeling like the sun was starting to shine again but today (of all days Monday) I just feel so lost. Today I just feel like my heart physically hurts. I tell myself that it will go away and that I will have better days again. I just hate this feeling.

This weekend one of my brother’s forgot I had a baby 8 months ago and it did not surprise me (sad to say). How can someone just forget? I guess people had to actually see her breathing in order to remember she really did exist. I could just imagine how crazy he is going to think I am when he finds out that I am going to have a celebration for her birthday. Oh well I really do not care, the people that truly loved her will be there and that is all that matters to me.

People often ask me what can they do for me and really it is simple, remember my daughter. I know it is hard for people to bring her up in conversation because they did not know her, so I’ve been told. Well they can ask me anything they want; I would love to answer any question they may have. I love to talk about her. Are they afraid to make me cry? Well to be honest they make me cry either way by never mentioning her. This is why this baby loss community means so much to me because they mention her name all the time. I love it, I love to open an email or see comments saying they are thinking of us. I am not asking for a pity party but a simple thinking of you message would be great, especially from family. People always say “we are here for you,” really? Well where you the first weeks after her passing? Not calling us or visiting us that’s for sure. I know I live far from my family but that has never stopped me from visiting them all the time. Now I just made myself angry thinking of all of this. I will just end this now before I really speak my mind and offend people. Pray that I have better days soon please.

I need a little help here

My friend Vicky asked me to help her with the memorial programs for Briana's services, can you guys please help me? Any suggestions, pictures, poems or readings I will take. She is going to be having a butterfly release. Her service will be Saturday so I need to think quickly. THANK YOU in advance.

Prayer request

Please pray for my friend Vicky and her family. On Saturday night her 10 year old daughter Briana passed away.

When I got the text this weekend, I just froze. This world is not fair!!!!!!! I remember visiting Briana at the hospital the day she was born. How fast time flies. Briana had cancer and has been battling it for a long time now. Please keep them in your prayers.

If anyone could write her name, I would greatly appreciate it. I would love Vicky to know that Briana is being thought of. You can send it to my email at lisarry99@yahoo.com

Thank you!

Blog anniversarry

Last year on this day I created my blog. My first blog post, it was simple. I didn't know where it was going to take me but I just needed to write. My friend Paula had just created one and told me I should do that same. I am so thankful that I did! Both of our daughter's had a heart defect. It has been a blessing to see her daughter Hope thrive and do so well. That little girl is really a miracle!

Last year, I said something good would come of all this and boy has it. Sami may not be here with me physically but she has made good things happen. I know she has touched many lives, more than I ever imagined. Because of her I have met so many wonderful women who have gotten me through the most difficult days. Recently I received an email from a girl in the Philippines who came across my blog. Her son was recently diagnosed with Encephalocele, so like all of us with a new diagnosis she googled it. With not much out there on that she stumbled on my blog. We have emailed each other a few times. Her most recent scan showed that he does not have any other problems and that is great news. Please keep her and the baby in your prayers. She is 26 weeks pregnant at the moment. I am sad that she has to spend so many weeks wondering what will happen. I was once there, scared beyond belief. I am praying for a great outcome for her and the baby.
I was going to have a blog giveaway for this but today came so fast so I will have to have the giveaway at a later date. Today for me is a day of reflection. I have not gone back and read any of my old post, perhaps because those emotions I felt are still so strong. I know one day I will be able to go back and read them. Today is just one day at a time, one foot in front of another.
THANK YOU for everyone who has been so supportive this past year, if I didn't have this blog I am not sure how I would have managed to cope. This has been such a wonderful blessing in my life. I never imagined how many doors would open for me because of this blog. So happy blogversarry to me!!! I am still not sure how long it will last or what other road it will lead me to but today tells me I will be here for a while. I hope that Sami's blog has helped you in some way and I hope you will continue to walk along side me.

Sami, this is all for you baby! I miss and love you so much. Julian thought of you last night but I am sure you already know that. I know you come and play with him often. He knows you are with Jesus and with your Tia Marie. Thank you for letting him be the messenger, brings me such comfort.

Happy 1st Birthday in heaven Nolan

Happy 1st Birthday to baby Nolan in heaven today.
Please stop by and give his mommy Ashley (A ruby family) a few encouraging words since today is a really emotional day for her. When I first started this blog almost a year ago this is one of the first blogs I started following. Nolan's life really touched my heart and continues to do so. Ashley is just an amazing person. Ashley wishing and praying for strength today. I know Nolan is going to send you many hugs today that will warm with you with peace.


Today, I am feeling better. Monday's I swear just wear me out. I had a client call in to work. He was very happy to know that I am back and so on. He kept talking and talking, asking questions about the baby (he knew I was on maternity leave). I couldn't stop him and finally when I did I had to tell him that my baby girl was no longer with me, that in itself is already difficult. His response was "oh well at least you still have your son", WTF????? Excuse my language. Really? People really speak without thinking, I hate that. I always try to make the best of Monday's but something always has to happen to bring me down. I have learned to just ignore comments like that and do my job but from now on I asked to never have to speak to that client again. One day it's going to just set me off and someone is going to see the not so nice side of me. I feel it coming and it scares me.
Julian was also having a bad Monday too, thank God that by the end of the night he was able to calm down. He sweetened up my night by giving me kisses and talking about the baby. I have to record him one day and post it on here, it is just the cutest thing ever. I hope he always remembers her. Well Monday is behind me for the moment, today I am just going to count my blessings and hope for a much better day.

My wandering mind

My thoughts have been everywhere these days. I am angry, sad, happy and all of the above. I am particularly sad to hear that there are new little angels in heaven this week. But I am saddened more because I could remember so clearly the raw emotions of the early days of grief. I pray for their mother’s and father’s.


Angry because I don’t always understand why God makes good people suffer. One of my dear friend’s is pretty ill with arthritis and lupus. Her son’s are still so young, it just doesn’t seem fair. She has such a strong faith in God. I am angry that He doesn’t catch my friend a little break. I know faith doesn’t work that way although I wish it would. I shouldn’t be angry with God because after all he is watching Sami for me and I should be thanking him.

Happy that people there are some ladies that I truly care about that are pregnant. I am really happy for them and praying all goes well. I am really looking forward to see all these healthy babies in 2010.

Thankful that Julian didn’t get electrocuted the other day while we were having dinner at a restaurant. He took out some keys from my purse and in a second stuck one key into the wall outlet. The restaurant should have had those covered but I can’t blame them for that. My son is 2 and extremely curious. There are memories of sparks and my honey shielding Julian from them. He had daddy super powers that day. Had he been there a second later I am not sure what would have happened. At the restaurant there is a black outlet now and I have a melted key but Julian is OK and that is all that matters to me. Of course it had to happen on a Monday. Monday’s suck by the way!

Scared but I think I am ready to start trying to add to our family. I know our family will never be complete but I do feel like I need to do this. No one will ever replace Sami of course and I am not trying to do that. I think after my dream of Marie holding a baby and telling me he will be with me soon, it gave me peace of mind.

Hurt because I feel let down by so many people with this whole grieving process. I DON’T expect people to go out their way for me but it would be nice to have non loss person call me once in a while to just ask how I am doing or better yet just send a text once in while. I feel like they feel I should somehow be better by now and I should my old normal self. I don’t even want to get into that at the moment. It is what it is and there is nothing I can do to change it.

Thank you to everyone that has stuck my side and shown me that I am really cared about. You have no idea how much that really means to me. Have a great weekend!!!

Hello blog world

I feel like I have not blogged in forever. I start to but something comes up and I never finish! So the other day I had to go to emergency because I had been having a really bad pain in my stomach for 3 days. Thank goodness it was nothing serious it was just an ulcer, gastritis and a bladder infection. They gave me meds and I will survive. I felt like a big baby but really the pain was pretty bad. Anyhow, I was back at the hospital. Another side of it that I had never seen, I sat there waiting to be called just people watching like I always do. There are some weird people at hospitals, lol! Anyhow,  I was filling out forms and of course one of the questions was “number of live births”… Why does it have to say “live”? What about the mother’s who give birth to a still baby? Do those births not count? That is a question’s that needs to be revised on all the hospital forms. I hate that so much. They carried a child for goodness sake, why don’t they count? It’s not fair…. See things like this make me mad and that is why I got this stupid ulcer, lol!


They finally called my name and it was time for an ultra sound, uugghh did I really have to do this? I had to really talk myself into not crying. I feel like I was going through post traumatic syndrome or something. I was all hot and breathing pretty fast even before I laid down on the table. I knew there was no baby to see, no heart beat to hear so I don’t understand why it affected me that much. I think the tech noticed something was up because she told me not to worry because it wasn’t going to hurt. I felt like telling her I had a million of them I know they don’t hurt but the last time they did this, Sami was kicking away pushing that Doppler away. 7 months ago I had one and she was still alive! Is it going to be like when I have another baby? I get scared thinking about it, nothing is certain not even a rainbow baby. Then that got me wondering about how I am going to feel being pregnant again, will my fear allow me to enjoy it? It’s not going to fair to future baby that I will constantly be worried but I guess that only comes naturally to someone who has already been through a loss before. I keep reading about happy stories about children after a loss and of course that gives me hope but it’s always in the back of my mind, what if? There is no way I can say good bye to another one of my children, my heart really couldn’t handle that. I talked to my doctor a few weeks ago (never finished that post). He said what Sami had was pretty rare and he really believes it will not happen again but still. He was really nice and said he is looking forward to delivering a healthy baby for me to take home. I hope he is right, I want that too. So from this point on, if it happens I will welcome it with open arms. I just hope that I don’t hear from anyone that having another baby is going to help me “move on”. I will punch someone if they say that to me. Moving on is not an option, it’s just adjusting my life without her.

Sami, I really miss you. I have started to get things together for your memorial service. I want it to be perfect just like you! I want the world to know how much you have touched our lives. Tomorrow you will be 7 months!!! Time has gone by so fast sweetheart but I haven’t forgotten anything about you. All the memories are still so vivid in my mind, even down to your scent. The other day another butterfly came and landed on me, I knew it was you again, thank you I really needed that. This is the butterfly, I set it on the flowers in my mom's backyard to take a picture of it. I wish I had my camera with me (this one is from my phone).

On a good note, my nephew graduated this weekend from Cal State Fullerton. Marie’s dream was always to see him graduate. I know she was watching from above. As I sat there for hours at the graduation I was wondering if Marie was looking down below.

I looked up and I seen this…. I knew she was there with us celebrating his accomplishment. He put this on his cap for Marie, so cute!!

Happy Birthday Janessa Marie

Wishing Janessa Marie a Happy 1st Birthday in heaven today.

One year ago today you came and touched your mommy's life forever. Please send her a little sign to let her know that you are doing well and watching over her. Your mommy, daddy and big brother miss you so much. Janessa you have touched my life in so many ways so I want to thank you for that on your special day. Please stop by her Malory's blog today and send her some love as today is a difficult day for her.

So many life changing events happen in a blink of eye. This week I was setting up my new laptop and I put in Sami's video footage from the hospital.  I wish I had more of her but we really weren't thinking clearly that morning. I am blessed the video that I do have so I will not complain one bit about that. Julian meeting her for the first time, her movements, sounds and most of all her beauty. I feel like showing it to the world just to show that she was real, she was alive and she someone who danced on earth and not just in my belly. It seems like only days after that she was forgotten by many. I have proof that I held an angel in my arms, I can never get those moments out of my mind. She remains like a permanent fixture in my heart. I wish she would to many other's as well.

So many mother's are reaching this one year mark and it seems so unreal. Your one day further from that moment when they were in your arms yet one day closer to being reunited with them. Yet we are here stuck in the middle and that is the most difficult to understand. Living with so many shattered dreams and an ache in your heart that will NEVER go away. Life moves on for me it feels like it is a stand still most of the time, stuck in the middle trying to make my way through life. Lately I have been feeling so sad that I just want to hide from it all.

Sami, mommy misses you so much!!!

One year ago today

May 6th last year I woke up so excited because I was going to go to the perinatologist for a special ultrasound. The first real peak at the little baby growing in my belly. I made sure I got to work on time so that I could leave early without feeling guilty. I got there, signed in and waited. They finally called my name and took me into the nice little room. It was a nice room with all new equipment. My husband could not go with me because of work but I was totally ok with that. I was 11 weeks at this point and was in the for the Nuchal Translucency test. 


So it began... the young nurse started the measurements and was really talkative while doing so. Then she measured again and again. Then the room was quiet and she said the doctor would be in a moment. The doctor walked in and re measured the baby again, she was quite and looked so serious that I even asked her if everything was OK. She just said “I will go over everything with you in a moment", again the nurse was back printing and printing all the screen shots. I thought I was going to be able to start a new album just on this one visit. My heart was pounding and that 45 minutes felt like an eternity. The lights came on, I sat there waiting and waiting some more.

Then they said they seen something really wrong given the measurements that they took. This was new to me because this test was not given to me when I was pregnant with Julian. They were measuring the fluid in the back of the neck. (This is normally less than 2.5mm and when seen increased greater than 2.5mm, see image on the right may indicate the baby has Down syndrome or may indicate another chromosomal abnormality. 95% of measurements will indicate a reduced risk).

I was measuring at 7.5!!!! Right away they asked me to make an appointment with the genetic counselor. They asked me if I wanted I could have the CVS test done. At that point I was scared and confused. I just wanted to get out of there, I wanted to run away. I opted not to get that test done that day. I made an appointment for the following week to speak to the genetic counselor. So I walked out, crying, shaking with a new word in my vocabulary that I had never heard of or needed to use, hydrocephalus.

Just two hours before that I was such a happy pregnant person with no care in the world. In such a short time my life had changed. So many selfish thoughts crossed my mind, I hate to admit. How was I going to possibly raise a child with a defect? I hate myself for thinking those thoughts but I would be lying if I said that never crossed my mind. What about Julian I thought, he was still so little. We would have to give so much attention to this new little person and I thought he would be affected by that without having a choice in it. Never did it cross my mind that the defect that my baby had was not compatible with life, death was something I never thought of, not even at that point. I was just feeling sorry for myself that my life would be so different. I prayed to God to give me the strength to be able to accept my fate. I hate myself for thinking so selfishly!!!

I called my husband and cried and cried, I could barely speak. I wasn’t able to go back to work. I went to pick up Julian from my mom’s, I held him so tight and I cried some more. From that day on, my nightmare roller coaster began. My husband didn’t want to believe that there was something wrong. He looked and looked at the picture they had given me and he cried too. It was clear that there was a lot of fluid there. We were both so scared; our pregnancy was no longer full of blissful joy it was tainted with fear. I think from that point on I was no longer able to sleep well. The following week we had the CVS test done, waiting for the results was just nerve wrecking, horrible. I think I cried everyday for those 2 weeks. I didn’t enjoy those two weeks; I took my pregnancy for granted. At that point I had no idea what was really going on.

Jenna's 1st Birthday!!!!

Happy 1st Birthday Jenna!!!!

Jenna, I hope you send some extra love to your mommy today, she loves and misses you so much. Please stop by and send her mommy Franchesca some love. I know today is going to a hard day for her. She just gave birth yesterday to her son Joseph. He is a little early, please keep those prayers coming for their family. Please visit  Small Bird Studio blog today for a wonderful giveaway that will last all week. Franchesca, thank you for being to kind to us all, you are such a beautiful person. You always have the most beautiful things to say to me and I cannot thank you enough. Sending you many many cyber ((hugs)) today! May God above be gentle with your heart today.

I also wanted to say thank to everyone who sent me birthday wishes, it really meant so much to me!
Just want to share some adorable Birthday wishes I got from Antoinette (thank you so much)!

The BABIES Are Coming!

I am sure a lot of you must have gotten this email from the March of Dimes.  I love babies and I realize that they are just trying to document how different babies live throughout the world however around the world babies die, what about that? Why not do a realistic movie about that? It is not always cutesie and life don't always have a happy ending. I know they are not trying to bring people down but it's not about that, death happens and it happens to many babies, it's reality. I know they are trying to market and make money. Most people want to watch a feel good movie. I am sure proceeds will go to help them but on Mother's day weekend!!! You will not find me watching this movie. I am already dreading Mother's day like would not believe. Yes, I am blessed and  I have many things to be grateful for. Julian is amazing and I am blessed to have him in life but this year Sami was supposed to be here with me too. I should be picking out the cutest little dress for her so we can take many pictures to add to my collection. This year I feel let down by own body who couldn't create a perfectly healthy baby again. Uuugghhh... I am just being a little bitter today.

Email from MOD:

The BABIES Are Coming!

In celebration of March for Babies, the March of Dimes is excited to announce a national partnership with the new Focus Features' movie BABIES!

BABIES opens in theatres May 7th, Mother's Day weekend. Directed by award-winning filmmaker Thomas Balmès, from an original idea by producer Alain Chabat, this film simultaneously follows four babies on an epic journey — from first breath to first steps.

The children are, respectively, in order of on-screen introduction: Ponijao, who lives with her family near Opuwo, Namibia; Bayarjargal, who resides with his family in Mongolia, near Bayanchandmani; Mari, who lives with her family in Tokyo, Japan; and Hattie, who resides with her family in the United States, in San Francisco.

Re-defining the nonfiction art form, BABIES joyfully captures on film the earliest stages of the journey of humanity that are at once unique and universal to us all.

Make plans to see BABIES with a group! Learn about group sales or call 1-800-4BABIES for more information.

Visit babiesthemovie.com.

Monday and 32!

I am not big on Monday's then this Monday I turn 32, blah is all I have to say. Today should be a happy day, a day of reflection and accomplishments. Not this day... today I am reflecting on the fact that one year ago today Sami was still alive in me and today she is not. Last year I was celebrating with family and friends and life was good. People were touching my belly guessing if I was carrying a boy or a girl. I was happy a year ago, I was happy to have a baby in my belly. One year later, my life is filled with grief. Sami is not here, Marie is not here so what is there to celebrate. Maybe next year I will but not today.

I am really sad and feeling blue. Marie never forgot my birthday, she always called me, gave me beautiful card and always made me feel special on this day. It's not fair that I can't have that this year. I am supposed to hear her tell me that Sami is watching over me and that she misses me. Does anyone remember those monchichi dolls? Well for my 4th birthday Marie and my brother bought me one. It came in a huge white box with a red bow, I sat on the kitchen table and opened it. That was the best birthday ever!!!! My monchichi was like my child, I took her everywhere I went. 28 years later and she is still with me, funny huh? Anyhow, those are the birthday's I like to remember. Also my 30th, my husband had me a huge party, bar tender and all. Marie actually took a shot with me! Good times!

This year I am here at home angry at the world. I wish I could just fast forward today. My highlight was Julian singing his happy song to me and telling on his daddy that he bought me balloons, flowers and a cake. Julian is so cute! I should stop my pity party and count my blessings, I have been blessed for 32 years and I will continue to be as long as there is a breath in me. God has been great to me even though some days I don't always feel that way.

Yesterday was International Babyloss Mother's Day. I had a pretty busy day with a First Communion that I wasn't able to listen live on Anchored by Hope but I did hear it later. If you click on the link you can here it for yourself. It was beautiful, I was so glad to be able to hear the voices of people who have been so helpful to me on this journey. I wasn't able to send a message to everyone but I wanted to wish you each one of you a Happy Mother's Day to you.

6 months today

Did I mention I hate Monday's? Especially today because Sami would be exactly 6 months. I am supposed to be holding her today and giving her tons of kisses. Julian should be saying happy birthday and singing his "happy, happy, cha cha" song for her.
This really sucks, today is a very emotional day for me. I feel so sad and angry because this is not fair! I know, I know "everything happens for a reason" well today that just sounds like BS to me. What is the purpose of making me suffer so much, what did I so badly in this life to deserve this? My anger is not towards God or anyone is particular. Death is part of life but I just wish it wasn't part of mine.
I wonder what Sami would look like today, would she have some of my personality in her? Would her hair still be wavy like mine? I hate having so many questions that will always be unanswered. I forgot to post last week that I had a dream and she was in it. Marie was holding her by the hand, she was a toddler. I knew it was her but I couldn't see her features or anything. They were far away from me. Marie had a baby in her arms in a light blue wrap, she looked so peaceful (that I remember clearly). Marie said to me "I have your son Joseph here with me but he will be coming home to you soon". I woke up right after that, so of course that has been in my head for the past week now. I know I am not pregnant but is she trying to tell me something? I still feel like I am not ready and I honestly I don't think I ever will. It is something that just has to happen and then I know I will do just fine. I hope the natural mom in me will come back. I do think it is weird that it was a boy in my dreams because I was telling my honey a few months back that when we have another baby I just have a feeling that it will be boy. So now if it does happen and it is boy his name will have to definitely have Joseph in it (Franchesca, I am not trying to steal your name, lol). That would just be so weird and again just confirms that babies are heaven sent. Before I was pregnant with Julian, my honey's uncle passed away (a month before or so) and he told I was going to get pregnant soon with a boy and well he was right! That is why Julian's middle name is Salvador after him, I just had to include his name because he sure did tell me my son was soon to come into our lives, amazing that things like that happen. We will just have to wait and see that my future holds but today I am at a stand still because I cannot believe it has already been 6 months.


Sami, mommy misses you so much. Happy 6 month Birthday! I wish I could hold you and kiss you today. Julian was thinking a lot about you yesterday, he even fell asleep with your blanket. He was crying for baby, held your blanket and was fast asleep for his afternoon nap. How I wish you were here so you could feel his love first hand. I know that he will always hold a special place in his heart for you. I get sad that he only has your blanket to hold but it makes me happy to know how much he loves you so. Daddy and I love you so much too. Daddy was really sad that he wasn't able to make to the walk the other day. You helped me make a difference and raise so much money for the March of Dimes. You still continue to touch so many lives.


P.S baby girl, please continue to walk along side your Tia Marie, tell her we love and miss her too!

March of Dimes walk

I just wanted to share my photos from the walk this morning. It was such an honor to be there walking amongst all those people. It was nice to see many survivors as well. The cutest little beings. I was really surprised about the whole dove release. They called me and asked to do that last week but I thought I was going to be doing it with others. I released one dove and another lady as well. Her husband just passed away a few weeks ago and he was a huge part of the March of Dimes organization. Sami's story was shared and it was very emotional. Looking out to the crowd and knowing I was there because of her it was so overwhelming to say the least. After that 21 other doves were released for all the other angel baby's. A few mom's who felt the same pain as me were also emotional. I understand, it was hard for me to hold it in too. I just wanted to reach out to them and tell them that I understand what they are going through.

It was a beautiful day and I was surrounded by my closest friend's and family, I couldn't have asked for anything more, wait yes I can .... for my honey to have been there to see for himself that Sami has touched many lives. I just wanted to share my photos with all of you, enjoy and have a great weekend.

Again THANK YOU to everyone for sponsoring our team "On Angel's Wings" together we raised $3060!!! Hooray!!! There are still some donations that have not been added to that total yet.

Photos: http://picasaweb.google.com/Lisette0503/20100424?feat=directlink

A nice little weekend

Finally we were able to get away for a few days. We spent a few days in Las Vegas which was really nice. My brother’s participated in the Baker to Vegas run that is for law enforcement officers. Talk about teamwork, 20 people to run 120 miles in the desert. It was hot during the day and cold at night, no matter what time they ran it was uncomfortable. It was nice to go and see them participate in such a big event. I know this year for my brother Carlos it was especially hard since Marie wasn’t there to cheer him on. He was able to get through and make the best of it. I am proud of them both. Hopefully next year my 2 other brother’s will participate as well. We attended 2 BBQ’s hosted by the homicide department and Carlos’s station as well. Very nice, very different, never seen those parts of Vegas. Julian did very well on the drive to there and back. He was throwing tic-tac’s at my head, laughing away on the way over there and sleeping on the way back. I could just imagine how he will be later on when he is 21! Excited to go there but tired on the way home.

This is a picture of my brother Carlos and his family before the run. It was pretty hot out (92) and he was running at 1pm. I don't have a picture to share of my other brother running. He ran when it was cold at 1am!

This is him finally done with his leg of the race, I believe he ran 6.8 miles. I really wish Marie was there to chear him on at this finish line. I know she was there is spirit.




Well the March of Dimes walk is going to be this Saturday. I am a little nervous only because I do not know how I will do emotionally. My honey might not be able to make it because he is out of town for work again. He is going to try but more likely he will not be able to get the day off, I will just cross my fingers and hope he does. On my way to Vegas I was called by some lady named Rita. She is the main person in charge for the Inland Empire chapter of the walk. She called to congratulate me on our teams fundraising, so far $2,395 I am beyond excited about that. She asked me why we were walking and I told her about Sami. She was very nice and she told me she would be honored to personally meet me that morning and asked me to meet her at a designated VIP tent. She said they would mention Sami’s name before the walk and give me a dove to release in her honor. I really hope that I am able to that without breaking down. I am happy that a few people have signed up to walk with me, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little hurt about certain people not signing up. I didn’t get team shirts made because I really didn’t know who and how many were going to sign up so I didn’t want to just spend money that I don’t have. My best friend’s and her fiance came up with a team logo and I love it. I got a shirt made for myself, my honey and Julian. We are going to get some stickers made for the people that are walking with us to put on the day of the walk. I can’t wait to take a group photo to share with all of you. Again, I want to thank everyone who has donated money to our team “On Angel’s Wings”.

Our beautiful team logo, thank you to Jomie and Ricky. You guys are awesome for being so creative. Of course the pink halo with the daisy's came from Sami's little flower that she had one and that I now have on her bear. So pretty, I love this!.

To Anonymous...

Everyone is able to voice their thoughts and opinions. I gave it much thought to have my comments reviewed before they actually appear but I decided not too, now I am a little conflicted about that. On my last post from earlier today I wrote how people just do not comprehend what it is like to have to say goodbye to your child forever.

Someone left this comment:

Anonymous wrote: "People realize that you have gone through something heartbreaking but how can you start the healing process if you keep reflecting on the past".

My response to that: Anonymous, for starters you are coward since you did not want to leave your name. YOU are the reason why I wrote that post, stupid people like you who say stupid ass comments like this! You helped me prove my point. The "past" that you are talking about is MY DAUGHTER that lived my womb. The daughter that kicked and squirmed in my belly for 38 weeks. The daughter that was breathing the same air as me for 1 hour and 40 minutes. The daughter that was taken from arms only to be taken to some mortuary while I cried my ass off like never before. So NO I cannot stop reflecting on "the past". I am so angry right now I could scream!!!!!

I will NEVER be able move on from this, how could you be so insentive? I am sure I my life will take on many different roads but that does NOT mean that I will not feel the this void in my heart forever. She can never be replaced or just thought of as "something" that could just be forgotten.

You obviously have not been through this so maybe you should think before you speak (or write)!!! If you thought in some way that your words were good words of advice, go back and read it over again. An intellegent person knows that people are made of their past, because of her I am who I am today. A woman who does not take life for granted, a stronger person in faith, a person who knows how to be compassionate, loving and considerate of other's feeling unlike you. As angry as I am, I still would not wish this upon you or anyone else for that matter.

This is real

Why are people so afraid to talk about infant death? It’s real and unfortunately it has happened too many of us. For us it is a reality that we are forced into and we cannot control it. It is ugly, it is painful and it hurts like hell. It is something most people block out of their minds and I get it. I was once one of those people that thought it cannot happen to me. Death was never a looming thought in my head, at least not about my own child. How I miss those days where I did not have to think of death. Now death is a like black cloud over me.

So people, it is real, it does happen and it is reality. It is a way of life that I will never get used to. The only thing I have to get used to now is people making stupid comments without thinking about how much they hurt. I have to get used the fact that my daughter will be forgotten to many people that I once cared about. Her name will not be spoken of, her birthday will not be remembered and I will continue to just be a mom to Julian, not a mom to two children in their eyes. For me on the other hand I will cherish the memories of holding her in my womb for 38 weeks and do whatever it takes to makes sure that she knows she will never be forgotten. The pictures I have that make many uncomfortable will continue to brighten my day. For those people, sorry it makes you uncomfortable to see my precious baby but there is nothing you can do about it. Turn around and continue to be naïve that things like this do not happen. I hope and pray that no one else has to say goodbye to their child but I am not God and I cannot control that. I really wish I could because this life is not easy.

Sami, mommy and daddy miss you so much. As the days goes by it seems like it gets harder to be without you. We are going to walk next weekend for you and so far we have had many people make donations in your honor. We have raised $2,075 as of today and we will continue to raise more in the days to come. I hope you will be smiling down on us that day. We love you baby girl!

Easter Sunday

Our family photo on Easter. I wish I had her to actually hold instead of having to hold the bear that carries her ashes. One day baby girl we will meet again, I really believe that.




Julian being a good big brother and holding Sami. He is so gentle with this bear, he really knows just how special that bear is. Yes, he is wearning green golashes, he refuses to wear any other shoes! It's been a phase I can't get him out of, one day he will look back and hopefully laugh. I love my son!



A little late on this Easter holiday post. I said I was never going to take Sami’s urn anywhere but we just felt the need to bring her along with us. This Easter was much harder than Christmas for me and for my husband. I suppose because last year she was growing in my belly already and I was sharing my pregnancy news with my family, how nice last year was! This year Marie was also missing and that just made it that much harder on me and my entire family. Our family is broken, things will never be the same no matter how much we try. I hate it when people say to give it time like if time is going to make our wounds heal. Yes, we will learn to cope better and move forward but time will never make “it” heal. Usually people that say that are people who have never had a loss like ours. Anyhow, we took Sami along with us for Easter. It was nice, everyone was happy to see her there. If it was weird for them they never showed it, which I am thankful for. She is in the background of many pictures and that makes me smile. Not in the way I ever imagined but she is there alright.

Last year I was imagining buying the cutest outfit and making the cutest basket for my child and this year I was holding a bear that carries my daughter’s ashes.
My husband had an emotional day as well. I am glad that he is not afraid to show his emotions in front of me. A few times he had to take a walk to the front yard because he didn’t want to cry in front of my entire family, I don’t blame him. Later on at home we cried together. We had not done that in a while, it was nice. He had been gone for work for the last two weeks and I missed having him there to listen to me. He such a beautiful person and I am so thankful for him. We speak of Sami everyday but this was different. I am glad to know that he misses her as much as I do and he also feels the same way in regards to how much things have changed. It is really nice to have those conversations just to see where we both are emotionally. We both agree that it is getting harder to be without her, it is really real that she will never come to us in this life. People are definitely back to their normal lives and here we are trying to figure that part out for ourselves. We should be getting excited because she would be starting to sit up and now there is no excitement just sadness in our hearts.

I asked my sister to bring me the rest of Sami’s blankets that she used at the hospital. She had taken them with to wash them and I wasn’t in a rush to get them back. I opened the bag and there they were along with her pink beanie. The last time I held them they were gently wrapped around her. Now they were nicely folded and showed no signs that they once warmed her little body. I looked for any signs of blood and there wasn’t any. I didn’t want to see the blood necessary but in a way I did because that would have been proof that she was there. I know it’s weird but I can’t help it. How I wish I would have other ways to remember her by. I wish I had more time with her, I wish I had more pictures but more than anything I wish she was here being spoiled by her daddy. She would have been such a daddy’s girl. I feel so bad when I see a dad hold his baby girl and my honey just looks at them with such sad eyes. I sometimes feel like I carry most of the heart ache but no my honey does too. Sami took a part of us with her. We miss her so much everyday.

Beautiful Blogger Award X2

I have been nominated by Malory and Jennifer for the Beautiful Blog Award! Thank you so much for the award, I am honored! Malory gave me this honor a few weeks ago but I just hadn't posted on it, a little late, sorry!

Here are the rules for the award:

~Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.

~Copy the award and paste it to your blog.

~Tell us 7 interesting facts about yourself.

~Nominate 7 bloggers that you love and link to their blog.

OK so 7 things about me...

1. I am the baby of 10! I have 8 brothers and 1 sister. My parents have 23 grandchildren, 1 grandchild in heaven and 3 great grandchildren. Family get together's are crazy and loud but of course always an adventure. I wouldn't change it for the world.

2. I totally have OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder). All labels have to be facing one way at my house and at work, especially the refrigerator. I have a thing with even #'s. The volume in the car when I get out has be on station #6 volume 4! When I go to sleep the volume also has be on 4 and channel 11 (that is an odd # but in my head 1+1=2 therefore it's an even #), my husband is a good sport and just goes along with me. There are more but I will stop there. It is really annoying but for me it's just a way of life.

3. Spanish was my first language, I speak Spanish fluently (although throughout the years I struggle more with Spanish since I generally only speak English).

4. I really enjoy camping and riding my banshee (quad). I haven't been out much lately but I do plan on setting up some trips soon and actually go riding. Although, I have to admit with my husband doing all kids of modifications to it, it kind of scares me because it is crazy fast now.

5. I really enjoy party planning. With such a big family I get to do that quite often. I did a pretty good job at planning my wedding on my own and there was over 350 guests.

6. My favorite color is green and that just happens to be my birth stone (emerald).

7. I definately do not match the car I drive... I am really short and I look really funny getting out of our huge dually Dodge truck or our lifted jeep wrangler! People always think it looks weird.

Now it is my turn to nominate 7 other great bloggers, and the award goes to.....

1. Michelle at Loving Audrey

2. Katy at In Hanna's Honor

3. Paula at Hope's blog

4. Nicolle at One who flys above and one who flutters within

5.Celia at Beauty from pain

6.Brandy at A mother's love

7. Ashley at Nolan's story