When I first started this journey, I knew it was going to be difficult but I never imagined it being like this. Like I mentioned in my last post, physically it is challenging which makes it that much harder emotionally. Last night as I laid awake I thought about the pain and discomfort which is fine because it will not last forever but the ache in my heart will be FOREVER. To have to go through this and in the end up still not be able to hold my child in my arms forever is really a hard thing to accept. I was telling Larry that I feel like we are having to give up our daughter to a closed adoption and not by choice. The only comfort in that is that she will be safe and happy in the presence of the Lord. I do not have to worry about giving her to someone who might not do as good a job as I would like for my daughter, but who better than to keep her safe? God of course... Maybe I started to look at this way since I was watching Adoption Diaries and I seen the turmoil that the mother's were faced with as they said goodbye to their children. I know it is completely different because I do not have a choice, the choice has been made for me but I am trying to find a way to bring me some comfort in this.
I now have realized that the only people that really comprehend what I feel have been the many woman that have also been through this. However I have to hand it my husband who has to watch me go through this. I know for him it is very frustrating to not be able to do anything to make this aches go away. Yes, he can help me move around and help me with Julian but it is still hard. These past few days have been extremely challenging but at the same time I feel this connection with him like never before. I do not know if it because at this moment I feel like only he understands me because he is the only one who sees on a day to day basis what I am really going through. I do not have to say anything, he just knows what to say or what to do to make me feel better. Sometimes we do not even have to say one word, we just sit and he wipes the tears away and that alone makes me feel like it is going to be OK. He is the rock that I need. I have to admit that I was so scared because I felt like he was not going to be that support I needed because he really did not show his feelings. I kept thinking that when the day comes it is going to hit him then and at that point I would be the one having to be strong for the both of us. I guess it just took him a little bit longer to really come to terms with everything that is happening and that is totally understandable. We talk about it a lot more now and I have the comfort in knowing exactly how he feels. That is another reason why I feel this connection between us. Having to go through this, I can see how it can take a toll on a relationship. You have to really be strong and willing to make some sacrifices along the way. So to my honey, I know you will be reading this.... Thank you and I love you so much.
A little update... Baby Hope will have her surgery after all... Wednesday, Hooray!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Big scare!
So Tuesday I came home from work with really bad cramps, I figured I would get home and they would go away. Well that did not happen, they actually got worse! I was up all night trying to find a way to get comfortable but no luck. By early morning, I got up started packing my bag, Julian's and Sami's. I was really scared and did not want to have to do that but I had to be prepared. It was really scary and the pain was so bad. I went to the Dr and thank God it was not early labor just pain caused by the poly. By mid-afternoon the pain eased up a bit, the Dr. gave the OK to take some regular strength Tylenol and that seemed to help me a bit. I was at least able to lay down and finally take a nap. A much needed one too!!!
I go back next week and see how and where we go from there. I know I am able to have the fluid drained but I am so scared to have to do that because I am so not ready to have her just yet. The possibility of going into early labor freaks me out! Might now happen either but either way there is a risk. Maybe in a few days I will change my mind, who knows! I am praying that my body will somehow work with me and get me through another few weeks, at least. I know in my heart I will not have her in November but we will see what is in store for us. One good thing is that I will finally be off of work now so I can be home resting. Not sure how I am going to pull that one with Julian around but at least I do not have to wake up early and make the hour and half drive to and from work everyday! That is much of a relief!!! I have to go buy some craft supplies to keep Julian entertained at home.
So as I was packing my bag, I realized I still need to get some stuff. I have been putting that off but this weekend that will be the goal, just in case. I still have to wash all of Sami's things, get her baptism gown and little things here and there for her. As for me, I still get to get all my toiletries and comfy clothes ready, oh yeah cannot forget some slippers like I did with Julian. Well not that I forgot with him, but I just could not fit into slippers because I was so swollen. I have not gotten that bad with Sami yet. There is still time for that I am sure. This heat that we are having right now is not helping either, when is fall weather supposed to kick in??? I am so ready for a big weather change.
Well today, I am still cramping however it is not nearly as bad as yesterday, I will be OK. I will update later if there are any changes. I wish you just see how I walk... Makes me laugh!!!!
Completely off the subject, I need to ask EVERYONE to take some time and say a little prayer for Baby Hope. She also has Hypo plastic Left Heart Syndrome, she was born on 09/14/09 and is waiting to see if she will be able to have surgery to fix her heart. Her kidneys' are not doing so well so the surgery is pending. So please pray that she will continue to grow strong and be able to get past this hurdle. Her parents would really appreciate it. Thank you! You can see her mommy's blog and pictures of Hope from my blog on the left column.
I go back next week and see how and where we go from there. I know I am able to have the fluid drained but I am so scared to have to do that because I am so not ready to have her just yet. The possibility of going into early labor freaks me out! Might now happen either but either way there is a risk. Maybe in a few days I will change my mind, who knows! I am praying that my body will somehow work with me and get me through another few weeks, at least. I know in my heart I will not have her in November but we will see what is in store for us. One good thing is that I will finally be off of work now so I can be home resting. Not sure how I am going to pull that one with Julian around but at least I do not have to wake up early and make the hour and half drive to and from work everyday! That is much of a relief!!! I have to go buy some craft supplies to keep Julian entertained at home.
So as I was packing my bag, I realized I still need to get some stuff. I have been putting that off but this weekend that will be the goal, just in case. I still have to wash all of Sami's things, get her baptism gown and little things here and there for her. As for me, I still get to get all my toiletries and comfy clothes ready, oh yeah cannot forget some slippers like I did with Julian. Well not that I forgot with him, but I just could not fit into slippers because I was so swollen. I have not gotten that bad with Sami yet. There is still time for that I am sure. This heat that we are having right now is not helping either, when is fall weather supposed to kick in??? I am so ready for a big weather change.
Well today, I am still cramping however it is not nearly as bad as yesterday, I will be OK. I will update later if there are any changes. I wish you just see how I walk... Makes me laugh!!!!
Completely off the subject, I need to ask EVERYONE to take some time and say a little prayer for Baby Hope. She also has Hypo plastic Left Heart Syndrome, she was born on 09/14/09 and is waiting to see if she will be able to have surgery to fix her heart. Her kidneys' are not doing so well so the surgery is pending. So please pray that she will continue to grow strong and be able to get past this hurdle. Her parents would really appreciate it. Thank you! You can see her mommy's blog and pictures of Hope from my blog on the left column.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Another thing to add to my worry list!!!
I had a doctor appointment on Friday and the doctor seemed concerned over the size of my belly. He measured it twice as usual and he wrote down that it might be polyhydramnios, too much amniotic fluid. I was aware that might happen because Sami's swallowing reflexes might not be normal but I never gave it much thought. He seemed concerned but at the same time not so much because he did not do an ultrasound right away. I will see him again in two weeks and on October 9th I have another appointment with the perinatologist. We will see what they say then. I of course decided to google it(why do I do that?)and of course now I am really worried about it. Well at least that explains why my belly is so BIG...
It is so uncomfortable, it constantly hurts me. I was no where near this umcomfortable when I was pregnant with Julian. I seriously dread the nights because laying down makes my body ache even more. Last night I laid on my right side crying because I could not for the life of me turn to my left side on my own. I did not want to wake up Larry because I every night I have to wake him several times during the night to help me out. I felt bad, he needs to get some rest too. I feel like my pelvis is broken, it is hard to describe just how painful and uncomfortable it is. I never realized how many muscles we use to just sit up or get out of bed. Once I am up it is not so bad but it is the initial movements that just kill me. I normally have a pretty good pain tolerance so this is just throwing me off. I am kind of scared to describe the extent of my pain to my doctor because I am afraid of him saying he would rather induce me early. I would much rather let Sami come when she is ready. I do not feel sick in any other way like my blood pressure being high or abnormal swelling so for now I can still keep going. I can do this only a few more weeks to go.
Some info on polyhydramnios:
What You Need to Know About Polyhydramnios
Polyhydramnios (too much amniotic fluid) occurs in about 2 out of 100 of pregnancies. Most cases are mild and result from a slow buildup of excess fluid in the second half of pregnancy. But in a few cases, fluid builds up as early as the 16th week of pregnancy. This usually leads to very early delivery.
Polyhydramnios is diagnosed with ultrasound. Medical experts do not fully understand what causes this condition. In 2 out 3 cases, the cause is not known. Here are two of the best-known causes:
Birth defects in the baby that affect the ability to swallow. Normally, when the fetus swallows, the level of amniotic fluid goes down a bit. This helps to balance out the increase in fluid caused by fetal urination.
Heart defects in the baby.
Women with mild polyhydramnios may have few symptoms. Women with more severe cases may have discomfort in the belly and breathing problems. That's because the buildup of fluids causes the uterus to crowd the lungs and the organs in the belly.
Preterm rupture of the membranes (breaks or tears in the sac that holds the amniotic fluid; also called PROM)
Umbilical cord accidents
Polyhydramnios may also raise the risk of pregnancy complications, including:
Preterm delivery
Placental abruption (the placenta peels away from the uterine wall before delivery)
Poor growth of the fetus
Stillbirth
Cesarean delivery
Severe bleeding by the mother after delivery
It is so uncomfortable, it constantly hurts me. I was no where near this umcomfortable when I was pregnant with Julian. I seriously dread the nights because laying down makes my body ache even more. Last night I laid on my right side crying because I could not for the life of me turn to my left side on my own. I did not want to wake up Larry because I every night I have to wake him several times during the night to help me out. I felt bad, he needs to get some rest too. I feel like my pelvis is broken, it is hard to describe just how painful and uncomfortable it is. I never realized how many muscles we use to just sit up or get out of bed. Once I am up it is not so bad but it is the initial movements that just kill me. I normally have a pretty good pain tolerance so this is just throwing me off. I am kind of scared to describe the extent of my pain to my doctor because I am afraid of him saying he would rather induce me early. I would much rather let Sami come when she is ready. I do not feel sick in any other way like my blood pressure being high or abnormal swelling so for now I can still keep going. I can do this only a few more weeks to go.
Some info on polyhydramnios:
What You Need to Know About Polyhydramnios
Polyhydramnios (too much amniotic fluid) occurs in about 2 out of 100 of pregnancies. Most cases are mild and result from a slow buildup of excess fluid in the second half of pregnancy. But in a few cases, fluid builds up as early as the 16th week of pregnancy. This usually leads to very early delivery.
Polyhydramnios is diagnosed with ultrasound. Medical experts do not fully understand what causes this condition. In 2 out 3 cases, the cause is not known. Here are two of the best-known causes:
Birth defects in the baby that affect the ability to swallow. Normally, when the fetus swallows, the level of amniotic fluid goes down a bit. This helps to balance out the increase in fluid caused by fetal urination.
Heart defects in the baby.
Women with mild polyhydramnios may have few symptoms. Women with more severe cases may have discomfort in the belly and breathing problems. That's because the buildup of fluids causes the uterus to crowd the lungs and the organs in the belly.
Preterm rupture of the membranes (breaks or tears in the sac that holds the amniotic fluid; also called PROM)
Umbilical cord accidents
Polyhydramnios may also raise the risk of pregnancy complications, including:
Preterm delivery
Placental abruption (the placenta peels away from the uterine wall before delivery)
Poor growth of the fetus
Stillbirth
Cesarean delivery
Severe bleeding by the mother after delivery
Monday, September 14, 2009
Fear is really starting to get to me
There is really not much to tell these days besides fear is really starting to get to me. I have been scared but now, it is feeling that I cannot just set aside. I cannot get my mind away from it. I am mentally drained at this point and I all I want is get a good nights rest. These sleepless nights are not helping me one bit.
There are only a few weeks left and I am really not ready for it. Really, can anyone be ready for this? Perhaps it's just the fear of the unknown because I do not know what is going to happen. The thought of not being able to feel her just devastates me so much. Everyday that is what keeps me going, her little squirms and painful kicks! She is one strong little baby!
I know everyone is worried for me and I guess I did not really understand why. Now I am starting to understand why people are worried, I am worried about myself at this point. In matter of a few weeks my whole life is going to change. I am going to walk in the shoes of a mother who lost a child. I had never even thought of that before. Part of me wants to have some sort of hope because saying that I am going to loose a child just sounds wrong. It does not feel right to think like that, but perhaps that will be my reality. All I am going to have are a few moments with her. Gosh, that just breaks my heart. Will I ever be the same again? How am I going to be able to move on from this experience? I had so many plans with her in our lives and to have to go on without her is something that I know is not going to be possible. I think about having that last moment with her and I just start to practically hyperventilate. God, please give me that sense of peace that so many loss moms talk about!!! I want to be able to be strong where people do not have to worry about me. I want to know for myself that I will be OK.
It is really difficult to put into words what this journey has been like. So it is even harder trying to imagine what the future holds for me. I am not the first mother to loose a child and unfortunately I will not be the last, so I know somehow I will get through this but it is the initial feelings that scare me. Having that moment of finally being able to hold her in my arms and a few moments later having to give her to God forever!!! That is what I cannot fathom, that idea. I am really trying to get it through my head that Lauren Samantha will be with me forever but just not physically, she will always be my angel up in heaven and until the day we meet again I just to be patient. As the days pass, I have noticed that just about anything can bring to tears. I was emotional before but now it is pretty bad. I enjoy my long drive to work (never thought I would say that!) because it gives me a chance to cry and just let it out before I have to be at work and socialize with people. I have to prepare myself to be asked everyday by clients at work, when I am do and what I am having. It is getting old but I just have to go with it. Wow this was much longer than I expected, I guess there is more going on than I thought.
There are only a few weeks left and I am really not ready for it. Really, can anyone be ready for this? Perhaps it's just the fear of the unknown because I do not know what is going to happen. The thought of not being able to feel her just devastates me so much. Everyday that is what keeps me going, her little squirms and painful kicks! She is one strong little baby!
I know everyone is worried for me and I guess I did not really understand why. Now I am starting to understand why people are worried, I am worried about myself at this point. In matter of a few weeks my whole life is going to change. I am going to walk in the shoes of a mother who lost a child. I had never even thought of that before. Part of me wants to have some sort of hope because saying that I am going to loose a child just sounds wrong. It does not feel right to think like that, but perhaps that will be my reality. All I am going to have are a few moments with her. Gosh, that just breaks my heart. Will I ever be the same again? How am I going to be able to move on from this experience? I had so many plans with her in our lives and to have to go on without her is something that I know is not going to be possible. I think about having that last moment with her and I just start to practically hyperventilate. God, please give me that sense of peace that so many loss moms talk about!!! I want to be able to be strong where people do not have to worry about me. I want to know for myself that I will be OK.
It is really difficult to put into words what this journey has been like. So it is even harder trying to imagine what the future holds for me. I am not the first mother to loose a child and unfortunately I will not be the last, so I know somehow I will get through this but it is the initial feelings that scare me. Having that moment of finally being able to hold her in my arms and a few moments later having to give her to God forever!!! That is what I cannot fathom, that idea. I am really trying to get it through my head that Lauren Samantha will be with me forever but just not physically, she will always be my angel up in heaven and until the day we meet again I just to be patient. As the days pass, I have noticed that just about anything can bring to tears. I was emotional before but now it is pretty bad. I enjoy my long drive to work (never thought I would say that!) because it gives me a chance to cry and just let it out before I have to be at work and socialize with people. I have to prepare myself to be asked everyday by clients at work, when I am do and what I am having. It is getting old but I just have to go with it. Wow this was much longer than I expected, I guess there is more going on than I thought.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Our beautiful mass
The mass for Sami was yesterday, it was so beautiful!!! I was trying to hard to not burst out in tears throughout the whole mass because I really wanted to hear what Fr.Dennis had to say to us. I had my moments, trust me! I know that our family and friends are here to support us but to actually see them all together was just an amazing thing. To know that every single person (and were a lot) was there to show in some way their love to our family was truly amazing.
Fr. Dennis shared our story and explained to everyone the many challenges that we are faced with. He shared my feelings about the situation and how I want Sami's life to be seen as a blessing, I want people to smile as they think of her and not be saddened. Once he was done he asked everyone to come and give us hugs and express their feelings, I wasn't expecting that but I am so glad he did that. That was overwhelming and impossible to hold back the tears. I had family there that I didn't even know they knew what was going with us! I took a moment to look behind me and was completely taken back, I can't describe it in words. It was so beautiful to know that we are loved and cared for so much, Sami brought all of us together. She is such a reminder of what it means to love.
After mass we went to my brother's house to have lunch. It was a happy occasion and that is exactly what I hoped for. I won't lie and say that at some point I didn't feel sad, The only reason for that was because I reminded myself that in a few weeks it will be so different. Different because there is still that huge possibility that I will not get to bring my Lauren Samantha home. So many people love her and I want her to see and feel that for herself. I want to be able to share her with everyone. For the most part it was a wonderful day, our angel shower was beautiful and by far exceeded my expectations of it.
My niece Cassandra had mailed out a letter to everyone and asked them to bring a letter with them for us. That was a wonderful surprise to us, we had no idea about that. When we got home and read them... WOW is all I can say!!! It was such a thoughtful and touching gift. I had a hard time getting through some of the notes because I could not stop crying. I know it is hard for people to really express their feelings but writing them out comes easier. To know how they really feel was the best gift they could have ever given me. To know how much Sami is loved is more than I can ask for.
I really want to thank everyone again for the unconditional love and support that has been shared with us over the last few months and especially these last few weeks. To me saying thank you doesn't seem like enough but I have yet to find a bigger word.
Fr. Dennis shared our story and explained to everyone the many challenges that we are faced with. He shared my feelings about the situation and how I want Sami's life to be seen as a blessing, I want people to smile as they think of her and not be saddened. Once he was done he asked everyone to come and give us hugs and express their feelings, I wasn't expecting that but I am so glad he did that. That was overwhelming and impossible to hold back the tears. I had family there that I didn't even know they knew what was going with us! I took a moment to look behind me and was completely taken back, I can't describe it in words. It was so beautiful to know that we are loved and cared for so much, Sami brought all of us together. She is such a reminder of what it means to love.
After mass we went to my brother's house to have lunch. It was a happy occasion and that is exactly what I hoped for. I won't lie and say that at some point I didn't feel sad, The only reason for that was because I reminded myself that in a few weeks it will be so different. Different because there is still that huge possibility that I will not get to bring my Lauren Samantha home. So many people love her and I want her to see and feel that for herself. I want to be able to share her with everyone. For the most part it was a wonderful day, our angel shower was beautiful and by far exceeded my expectations of it.
My niece Cassandra had mailed out a letter to everyone and asked them to bring a letter with them for us. That was a wonderful surprise to us, we had no idea about that. When we got home and read them... WOW is all I can say!!! It was such a thoughtful and touching gift. I had a hard time getting through some of the notes because I could not stop crying. I know it is hard for people to really express their feelings but writing them out comes easier. To know how they really feel was the best gift they could have ever given me. To know how much Sami is loved is more than I can ask for.
I really want to thank everyone again for the unconditional love and support that has been shared with us over the last few months and especially these last few weeks. To me saying thank you doesn't seem like enough but I have yet to find a bigger word.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Today is a good day!
Today is a good day!!! I woke up in a really good mood today, I think Julian had a lot to do with it, he woke up so happy that it just instantly made me smile. Thank goodness for my little man!!!
Today I have a 3D ultrasound so I get to see Sami, I am really excited about that. I hope she lets us see her little face. Tomorrow I have a doctor appointment too so I get to see her 2 days in a row and I love it. I am going to try to not let them get to me with bad news. I refuse!!! I cannot believe I am already 29 weeks, where has the time gone? I am starting to feel like I am on the downhill stretch of this pregnancy and although I want to make the time go by slowly I am also looking forward to not being pregnant. My body aches and I am really feeling tired and exhausted everyday. The extra pounds I have put on are finally catching up to me! I try to take it in day by day and thank the Lord above for this time with Sami.
I have been getting things ready for her mass this coming Monday and a BBQ to follow so that has kept my mind busy, it's been kind of nice. I made some candle favors to share and although it took some time to make them it felt good, kind of like therapy. It is weird to not be planning a baby shower at this time but I am okay with it now. I try to not really think about it. I go to the stores and see so many cute things for baby showers that I would like to buy but know I can't, that kind of makes me sad. It makes it easy for me to get emotional but these past few days I have been in really good spirits. I have been waiting for days like this and finally they are here!!! Let's see how long they last.
I think I am finally accepting and coming to terms that I have an angel in my belly. These past few months it has been so hard to fully comprehend that. In the last few days I have not felt sad on the otherhand I feel like I need to be celebrating her life. Now I feel like I want to share her. I want people to feel my belly and feel her kicks. I want to shout out to the world that I am carrying a beautiful angel in my belly and how blessed I really am. It is such a weird feeling to want to laugh, shout and cry at the same time. Being pregnant comes with so many emotions and well with this pregnancy boy have I had my share of different emotions! This is a crazy journey to be on, I do not wish this upon anyone but somehow, little by little I am finding the good in all of this. I have met some wonderful people along the way and made my relationships with others so much stronger. I know I have not said it in a while but for everyone who has been so supportive and understanding THANK YOU once again.
I will post new pictures of Sami soon, hopefully I will be able to share her beautiful face with everyone.
Today I have a 3D ultrasound so I get to see Sami, I am really excited about that. I hope she lets us see her little face. Tomorrow I have a doctor appointment too so I get to see her 2 days in a row and I love it. I am going to try to not let them get to me with bad news. I refuse!!! I cannot believe I am already 29 weeks, where has the time gone? I am starting to feel like I am on the downhill stretch of this pregnancy and although I want to make the time go by slowly I am also looking forward to not being pregnant. My body aches and I am really feeling tired and exhausted everyday. The extra pounds I have put on are finally catching up to me! I try to take it in day by day and thank the Lord above for this time with Sami.
I have been getting things ready for her mass this coming Monday and a BBQ to follow so that has kept my mind busy, it's been kind of nice. I made some candle favors to share and although it took some time to make them it felt good, kind of like therapy. It is weird to not be planning a baby shower at this time but I am okay with it now. I try to not really think about it. I go to the stores and see so many cute things for baby showers that I would like to buy but know I can't, that kind of makes me sad. It makes it easy for me to get emotional but these past few days I have been in really good spirits. I have been waiting for days like this and finally they are here!!! Let's see how long they last.
I think I am finally accepting and coming to terms that I have an angel in my belly. These past few months it has been so hard to fully comprehend that. In the last few days I have not felt sad on the otherhand I feel like I need to be celebrating her life. Now I feel like I want to share her. I want people to feel my belly and feel her kicks. I want to shout out to the world that I am carrying a beautiful angel in my belly and how blessed I really am. It is such a weird feeling to want to laugh, shout and cry at the same time. Being pregnant comes with so many emotions and well with this pregnancy boy have I had my share of different emotions! This is a crazy journey to be on, I do not wish this upon anyone but somehow, little by little I am finding the good in all of this. I have met some wonderful people along the way and made my relationships with others so much stronger. I know I have not said it in a while but for everyone who has been so supportive and understanding THANK YOU once again.
I will post new pictures of Sami soon, hopefully I will be able to share her beautiful face with everyone.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Thought I would share this...
A really good friend of mine sent me an email with this little story and I wanted to share with everyone. Thank you my friend, it's a beautiful story!!!
There was once an Angel named Sami and she was playing with other angels in heaven. They where playing with a ball and the ball rolled off, Sami when after the ball. The ball when through a door and that door let her to you and Larry. She is still here with you and only you are getting to hold her at this time, she can feel your love and her dads love through you. Hold on to that until God looks for his missing angel and tells Sami she has to go back to Heaven to be an Angel. She will always be with you in so many ways.
There was once an Angel named Sami and she was playing with other angels in heaven. They where playing with a ball and the ball rolled off, Sami when after the ball. The ball when through a door and that door let her to you and Larry. She is still here with you and only you are getting to hold her at this time, she can feel your love and her dads love through you. Hold on to that until God looks for his missing angel and tells Sami she has to go back to Heaven to be an Angel. She will always be with you in so many ways.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
One of those days...
Today is one of those days where I feel like I am the only one hurting. Everyone else gets to make the best of their Sunday and here I am writing down how terribly sad I am. Today I just feel so alone and I am not sure why. I was actually having a good weekend.
Sami is moving around a lot, reminding me of her love but I can't stop thinking of the future. I want to live in the moment but something always reminds me of what lies ahead of us. I wish the tears could just stop, everyday it is the same thing. I just feel so drained and tired at this point. I look in the mirror and I don't see myself anymore. I see this tired, sad little person looking back at me. I don't want to be that person anymore.
I know with time it will be different but right now I just feel like maybe I have taken on way more than I can handle. I have to somehow find the inner strength that got me to this point already. I know it is there, I just have to really dig deep within myself to get it back. So for starters maybe I should stop writing and get ready to go out somewhere with my family. It is not fair that I ruin their day because of my sad mood. Julian needs his mommy right now and I have to put my personal feelings aside for him. He is still so little and he doesn't understand what is going on.
Sami is moving around a lot, reminding me of her love but I can't stop thinking of the future. I want to live in the moment but something always reminds me of what lies ahead of us. I wish the tears could just stop, everyday it is the same thing. I just feel so drained and tired at this point. I look in the mirror and I don't see myself anymore. I see this tired, sad little person looking back at me. I don't want to be that person anymore.
I know with time it will be different but right now I just feel like maybe I have taken on way more than I can handle. I have to somehow find the inner strength that got me to this point already. I know it is there, I just have to really dig deep within myself to get it back. So for starters maybe I should stop writing and get ready to go out somewhere with my family. It is not fair that I ruin their day because of my sad mood. Julian needs his mommy right now and I have to put my personal feelings aside for him. He is still so little and he doesn't understand what is going on.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
I had a dream...
Last night I had the most realistic dream ever and it scared me to death!!! In my dream Sami was born and only lived for a few seconds. In those few seconds I was so overwhelmed by the love I felt for her but once I realized she was no longer with me the pain set in. It was a pain so deep in my body, it was something that I have NEVER felt. I wasn't even able to see because I was crying so much, yet there were no tear! I wasn't able to breath or even move in my bed. Almost as if I was paralyzed but everything and everyone around seemed to be moving. I could hear the nurses talking, my husband was trying to tell me something but it sounded like he was so far away, it felt so real. Thank God the alarm went off this morning.
I have been thinking and trying to mentally prepare for what is going to happen. I guess I will not know what it actually feels like until it really happens to me and now I am just scared because if it felt anything close to that dream, I am seriously going to loose it. How can anyone prepare for this? I had to let out a good cry this morning before I started my day and asked God to please give me the strength to get through this because I am really feeling like I can't. That dream really scared me and now I feel like I am not strong enough. I can't get it out my head, the pain throughout my whole body.
I know everyone tells me that I am strong and they admire that about me but really I am not. Some days I come off as I am but ask me and I will tell you that I have never felt this weak. I know I am not alone in this but I feel like I am, I have never felt this scared either. Days like this don't seem real, am I really going through this? Just a few months ago my life was so different.
I have been thinking and trying to mentally prepare for what is going to happen. I guess I will not know what it actually feels like until it really happens to me and now I am just scared because if it felt anything close to that dream, I am seriously going to loose it. How can anyone prepare for this? I had to let out a good cry this morning before I started my day and asked God to please give me the strength to get through this because I am really feeling like I can't. That dream really scared me and now I feel like I am not strong enough. I can't get it out my head, the pain throughout my whole body.
I know everyone tells me that I am strong and they admire that about me but really I am not. Some days I come off as I am but ask me and I will tell you that I have never felt this weak. I know I am not alone in this but I feel like I am, I have never felt this scared either. Days like this don't seem real, am I really going through this? Just a few months ago my life was so different.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Today's meeting...
I was so nervous going to this meeting but it wasn't so bad. I met with Dr. Rodriguez who was so nice. She wanted to know how well informed I was as to Sami's medical condition. She seemed to be relieved once she knew I was completely aware as to what was going on. She did an ultrasound per our request to see if Sami had changed her position and she did so that made us happy. She started to ask what I was expecting on the day of her birth and I let her know that we were prepared with a written birth plan. We went over it and she said in her 30 years of practice she had never seen a birth plan with that kind of detail, she was impressed. She took my plan and made copies for the other involved to see. We waited a few minutes and met with 7 other people. It was a little overwhelming to walk into that office. Everyone right away got up and introduced themselves to us. They had briefly read the plan and they too very kind and understanding of our wishes.
I had written down that in case we see her in any pain that they can administer some pain medication. The NICU doctor said in that case they would have to take her out of our room because they are not allowed to that in a regular birthing room. Dr. Rodriguez stepped in and said given our situation she will ask for an exception for us. That means someone from NICU would come to or room to do that without Sami having to leave the room, they were so understanding!!! Over all the meeting was fast because the birth plan that we took summed it up for them. One really nice thing they said is that at any point in the remainder of the pregnancy if we would like to have an ultrasound done just to give them a call and they would accommodate us as best they can.
I am glad we had this meeting after all because I really felt that they really cared about Sami and I. It was a little emotional but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was glad my honey was there next to me, I think if I would have gone alone I would have just broke down. As we walked out I really did let the tears flow, it wasn't so much of sadness either. I think it was just more of a reality check that I will not be walking out of there in a few months with my little Sami. I am at 27 weeks now and it just seems to be going by so fast. This pregnancy has not been an easy task but I do not regret deciding to walk this journey. There are some days that I am physically in so much pain but it is all worth it.
I had written down that in case we see her in any pain that they can administer some pain medication. The NICU doctor said in that case they would have to take her out of our room because they are not allowed to that in a regular birthing room. Dr. Rodriguez stepped in and said given our situation she will ask for an exception for us. That means someone from NICU would come to or room to do that without Sami having to leave the room, they were so understanding!!! Over all the meeting was fast because the birth plan that we took summed it up for them. One really nice thing they said is that at any point in the remainder of the pregnancy if we would like to have an ultrasound done just to give them a call and they would accommodate us as best they can.
I am glad we had this meeting after all because I really felt that they really cared about Sami and I. It was a little emotional but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was glad my honey was there next to me, I think if I would have gone alone I would have just broke down. As we walked out I really did let the tears flow, it wasn't so much of sadness either. I think it was just more of a reality check that I will not be walking out of there in a few months with my little Sami. I am at 27 weeks now and it just seems to be going by so fast. This pregnancy has not been an easy task but I do not regret deciding to walk this journey. There are some days that I am physically in so much pain but it is all worth it.
Monday, August 17, 2009
A little nervous
So I just got a call from the Gina the case worker from the parental center. She said the doctors were looking over my chart and they want to have a meeting tomorrow. I will meet a new doctor (Dr. Rodriguez) to do another ultrasound then go into the meeting. The meeting will be to go over our wishes on the day of her birth. So I guess I should be ready with our birth plan that I had started on. Project of the day!!! Anyhow, my OB will there, Dr. Rodriguez, the NICU Dr and Nurse and a social worker. I kind of knew this was going to happen just didn't think this soon. Kind of makes me a little nervous. On my last visit there, they said it would be up to me to have this meeting but now with them calling me just makes me wonder if they seen something that they hadn't seen before!!! Who knows..
There is such a big part of me that wants to believe that they have found something in that chart that will be positive and hopeful. Have all these prayers been heard? Then of course there are the other thoughts. I am going to try not to over analyze this, I will be there tomorrow and it will all be OK, it is just a meeting. I have to keep telling myself that. Wish me luck and I will let you all know how it goes tomorrow.
There is such a big part of me that wants to believe that they have found something in that chart that will be positive and hopeful. Have all these prayers been heard? Then of course there are the other thoughts. I am going to try not to over analyze this, I will be there tomorrow and it will all be OK, it is just a meeting. I have to keep telling myself that. Wish me luck and I will let you all know how it goes tomorrow.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Changes
I have noticed that something is changing, not for the best either and that something is me!!! I am not sure what it is or why but I am becoming another person and I don't like it. I am starting to notice that I just don't care... I don't like that, I am normally not that person, I am very caring person. I think most people would say it's natural but to me it sure doesn't feel like it is. That is just not who I am!
I feel like lately I am just always angry and I don't even know why. Anything can set me off, I mean anything. I wish some people would just stay away and then others I want them to be closer. Everything is just a darn struggle these days. Having relationships with people is hard. I feel like I want to be alone but I know that is not a good thing because I know people care and are really worried about us. I know later on I am going to need everyone more than ever but right now I am just so torn. It's almost like I want people to just let me be but at the same time I don't want to be left alone. It is so weird and hard to explain. I hate not being able to control all these feelings. I am going to try to work on these emotions before I end up hurting someone by saying something I probably shouldn't. I will just leave it at that for now.
On a way more positive note... We are having a mass for little Sami at our church on September 7th. I think I definately need some positive energy... I hope by then I can be more like myself. Anyhow for the people that can make it will be at 10 am.
St. Denis Catholic Church
2151 S Diamond Bar Bl
Diamond Bar, CA 92557
Thank you to all for being so understanding to my ever so changing moods.
I feel like lately I am just always angry and I don't even know why. Anything can set me off, I mean anything. I wish some people would just stay away and then others I want them to be closer. Everything is just a darn struggle these days. Having relationships with people is hard. I feel like I want to be alone but I know that is not a good thing because I know people care and are really worried about us. I know later on I am going to need everyone more than ever but right now I am just so torn. It's almost like I want people to just let me be but at the same time I don't want to be left alone. It is so weird and hard to explain. I hate not being able to control all these feelings. I am going to try to work on these emotions before I end up hurting someone by saying something I probably shouldn't. I will just leave it at that for now.
On a way more positive note... We are having a mass for little Sami at our church on September 7th. I think I definately need some positive energy... I hope by then I can be more like myself. Anyhow for the people that can make it will be at 10 am.
St. Denis Catholic Church
2151 S Diamond Bar Bl
Diamond Bar, CA 92557
Thank you to all for being so understanding to my ever so changing moods.
Thursday, August 06, 2009
No good news (again)
Today I had another doctor appointment and again I was hoping for something good to hear but like my luck has it no!!!! Sami has more brain tissue on the outside than before on the outside. There is more fluid surrounding that brain tissue than before. Dr. Ross also noticed a slight hemorrhage too. She is in a breech position but no worries there since I still have a ways to go, she can position herself at anytime. Her head is measuring really small because of the brain tissue. Right now the size of her head is that of a 22 week baby in utero. On a good note, she weighs 1.5 pounds and she measuring a little over 12 inches now. So she is growing, which is a good thing of course.
I asked about being induced and she said it is a good thing but most of the time being induced will lead to a c-section and we are trying to avoid that. I think I will just let Sami tell me when she is ready to come into this world. I wanted to be induced but I really don't want to have to pick the date that my daughter will pass away if I don't have to. I did tell Dr. Ross I do not want her heart monitored while I am labor. She agreed that would be best. For me personally it will just worry me to much and while in labor worrying like that is the last thing I need. I have to believe she will be born alive. Another thing she mentioned was while I am in labor they will more than likely drain that extra fluid in the herniated sac outside her little head. They will do that like if they are going to do an amnio. I have not officially finished my birth plan yet, I will give the doctors a copy of it once I am done. That way we all agree with what I want during labor. She said given the severity of her conditions we might not have to have a meeting with all the doctors because the chances of her surving are not good. it is up to me to make that final decision, so we will see how I feel about that in a few weeks.
Today I questioned why I continue to go to these appointments for the first time. I never hear anything positive. I am not sure if I can handle another visit like this but at the same time if I don't go I am going to feel bad because I will feel that I don't care and I am giving up. I made another appointment in 4 weeks, we will see how I feel about keeping it. I suppose I will because I will only have next month and October. November is just around the corner when I look at it that way.
Today was not a good day, I tried to be in good spirits but how do I do that when I hear that my baby is not doing well, I want to hear something good for once. I want to be able to go one day without crying, I want to go one day without having this pain in my heart. Just one day I want to be worry free and more than anything just really happy. Like I said in an earlier post... I have this black cloud following me at all times and I just want it to stop. I want to laugh and really mean it, I want to say I am doing okay and really mean it, but I can't. How am I going to handle being here on earth without my baby girl?
Soon after she is born the holidays will be here, they are supposed to be joyful but I know that this year that will not happen. Of course Julian will make be smile and he will make me stay strong. I will have no choice but to put on a happy face for him. I have to promise myself that no matter what I am not going to give him anything less than wonderful holiday memories. I am thinking way ahead of myself and I need to stop..... Thank God today is almost over, I want to sleep and wake up to another day, hopefully it will be better than today, it just has to.
I asked about being induced and she said it is a good thing but most of the time being induced will lead to a c-section and we are trying to avoid that. I think I will just let Sami tell me when she is ready to come into this world. I wanted to be induced but I really don't want to have to pick the date that my daughter will pass away if I don't have to. I did tell Dr. Ross I do not want her heart monitored while I am labor. She agreed that would be best. For me personally it will just worry me to much and while in labor worrying like that is the last thing I need. I have to believe she will be born alive. Another thing she mentioned was while I am in labor they will more than likely drain that extra fluid in the herniated sac outside her little head. They will do that like if they are going to do an amnio. I have not officially finished my birth plan yet, I will give the doctors a copy of it once I am done. That way we all agree with what I want during labor. She said given the severity of her conditions we might not have to have a meeting with all the doctors because the chances of her surving are not good. it is up to me to make that final decision, so we will see how I feel about that in a few weeks.
Today I questioned why I continue to go to these appointments for the first time. I never hear anything positive. I am not sure if I can handle another visit like this but at the same time if I don't go I am going to feel bad because I will feel that I don't care and I am giving up. I made another appointment in 4 weeks, we will see how I feel about keeping it. I suppose I will because I will only have next month and October. November is just around the corner when I look at it that way.
Today was not a good day, I tried to be in good spirits but how do I do that when I hear that my baby is not doing well, I want to hear something good for once. I want to be able to go one day without crying, I want to go one day without having this pain in my heart. Just one day I want to be worry free and more than anything just really happy. Like I said in an earlier post... I have this black cloud following me at all times and I just want it to stop. I want to laugh and really mean it, I want to say I am doing okay and really mean it, but I can't. How am I going to handle being here on earth without my baby girl?
Soon after she is born the holidays will be here, they are supposed to be joyful but I know that this year that will not happen. Of course Julian will make be smile and he will make me stay strong. I will have no choice but to put on a happy face for him. I have to promise myself that no matter what I am not going to give him anything less than wonderful holiday memories. I am thinking way ahead of myself and I need to stop..... Thank God today is almost over, I want to sleep and wake up to another day, hopefully it will be better than today, it just has to.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Prayer is all we need
So today I had another doctor appointment, I waited longer than usual for my 5 minute visit! Oh well, Dr. Wong said the baby is really big he even had to do a double take on how many weeks I am. Her heart was beating nice and strong today so that made me feel better. I will see him again in 2 weeks and next week another ultrasound with the specialist. Dr. Wong said it is possible to be induced a little early but we will talk about it in a few weeks. It is a pain going to the doctor all the time but even though I don't always get good news it gives me some sort of comfort to know she is still growing. I love to see her move around while they try to get a good glimpse of her. So for now I have decided to stick to my appointments.
I have been thinking lately about this "shower" that is planned for us for sometime in October and the more I think about it the more stressed out I get. It stresses me out because I am really afraid to break down in front of everyone and I know that is going to happen at some point during that day. I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable because they won't know what to say. I don't like to see people hurt, it makes me feel so bad. I want everyone to be happy when they think of Sami not saddened by what is happening. She is not here yet and she has already made me so happy and I want everyone else to feel that way too. So I have decided that I am going to cancel it. I figure in October it will be closer to my due date and emotionally I think it will be a little too much for me to handle. The concept is nice and I would still like donations made to some organization (haven't found one exact one yet) if people want but I think I would rather just have a mass at church for us. I think prayer is all we need. I called and left a message for the priest to call me, hopefully I can get something set up. I will invite everyone to join us in prayer.
On to another subject... I need to go buy some little stuff just in case we do get to bring her home (that would be so nice). I have the big stuff (car seat, stroller, etc.) I made sure all of Julian's stuff stayed nice and neat for the 2ND time around and I bought neutral colors with that in mind. I need to buy her little pj's and receiving blankets, stuff like that. I have been looking forward to buying that stuff since the day I found out I was pregnant but at the same time I am sad about it because I don't know if she will get to wear them. I would rather be prepared then not be prepared at all. I am not going to go crazy on the shopping but just enough to get us by. Again, is this really happening to me???? I know going shopping for her is going to be emotional, I can't even go buy diapers for Julian without wanting to cry but I want to be the one to buy that stuff for her. I want to feel even if it's for a few moments that all is well and that I am shopping for my baby like most normal pregnant woman do.
Lately I have been dreaming of her so much and in each dream she is perfect. In my dreams I know something is wrong with her yet I see her so her normal. It feels so real. Those dreams play with my head because I want that so badly... I want to hold her, I want to kiss her and I want to see her grow. I want to see how Julian is going to be as a big brother to her. Thinking of that brings tears to my eyes because that might not happen and it's just not fair. I am going to stop writing for now because I feel too sad now.
I have been thinking lately about this "shower" that is planned for us for sometime in October and the more I think about it the more stressed out I get. It stresses me out because I am really afraid to break down in front of everyone and I know that is going to happen at some point during that day. I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable because they won't know what to say. I don't like to see people hurt, it makes me feel so bad. I want everyone to be happy when they think of Sami not saddened by what is happening. She is not here yet and she has already made me so happy and I want everyone else to feel that way too. So I have decided that I am going to cancel it. I figure in October it will be closer to my due date and emotionally I think it will be a little too much for me to handle. The concept is nice and I would still like donations made to some organization (haven't found one exact one yet) if people want but I think I would rather just have a mass at church for us. I think prayer is all we need. I called and left a message for the priest to call me, hopefully I can get something set up. I will invite everyone to join us in prayer.
On to another subject... I need to go buy some little stuff just in case we do get to bring her home (that would be so nice). I have the big stuff (car seat, stroller, etc.) I made sure all of Julian's stuff stayed nice and neat for the 2ND time around and I bought neutral colors with that in mind. I need to buy her little pj's and receiving blankets, stuff like that. I have been looking forward to buying that stuff since the day I found out I was pregnant but at the same time I am sad about it because I don't know if she will get to wear them. I would rather be prepared then not be prepared at all. I am not going to go crazy on the shopping but just enough to get us by. Again, is this really happening to me???? I know going shopping for her is going to be emotional, I can't even go buy diapers for Julian without wanting to cry but I want to be the one to buy that stuff for her. I want to feel even if it's for a few moments that all is well and that I am shopping for my baby like most normal pregnant woman do.
Lately I have been dreaming of her so much and in each dream she is perfect. In my dreams I know something is wrong with her yet I see her so her normal. It feels so real. Those dreams play with my head because I want that so badly... I want to hold her, I want to kiss her and I want to see her grow. I want to see how Julian is going to be as a big brother to her. Thinking of that brings tears to my eyes because that might not happen and it's just not fair. I am going to stop writing for now because I feel too sad now.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Weekly update...
I am so blessed to have wonderful people in life who love me and show this amazing amount of support. Not a day goes by that I don't get a call from someone asking me how we are doing. It is really nice, so again thank you to everyone.
This week has been a little tough but hey I am still here right? I met with Michelle from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) and went over what she does and how this whole picture thing works once Sami is born. I swear they are a blessing, to go out of their way to take photos so that we as hurting parents can have such cherished memories. I wish I did not need their services but just in case I want to be ready. I don't want to regret not having photos taken of my little one. The thought of one day forgetting what she looked like scares me. I think they are such a great organization and I really admire them that is why I really want to donate money to them. I have been trying to find an organization to give back to and I think I found it. A shower of well wishes is in store for us (told you we are loved!) and well I would prefer people donate money to them instead of gifts. It would make me feel better knowing that parents who have to go through something like this will be able to use NILMDTS for a long time.
Another thing that happened this week... my brother Ernie went far beyond his call of brotherly duties. He went to the mortuary and started the process for our little Sami. I was dreading having to do that like you would not believe, no parent should ever have to do that, that is just so unfair!!! Him and I had discussed more or less what we had in mind so from that he went and asked if all my wishes were possible and thankfully they are. My biggest concern was that they pick her up from us at the hospital because I refuse to have her in the hospital morgue, not sure why but that thought really bothers me. This whole story is rather disturbing isn't? My gosh she is not even here yet and here I am talking about this. I am glad the process for that has been started only because now I can just not think about or worry about that for a while.
I have also started our birth plan rough draft, seems a little demanding if you really think about it but I just really want to make sure I make my wishes known for labor and delivery. I am not sure how medical staff feels about a person coming in with personal demands but in this situation I feel like I can be a little more demanding as to what I want during labor and after birth. With Julian it just did not go as planned and now I wish I would not have been so afraid to speak my mind, maybe he wouldn't have been in the NICU for a few days. The main focus of this birth plan is so that everyone that will be involved that day knows how important it is for us to have as much time with her as possible. I will post it one day to share with everyone. I have been making changes to it and reading it over and over seems to unreal. Everyday I have to question why this is happening to us.
Well here we are just about 24 weeks already, time is flying by and all I want is to make it stop. This morning I woke up because Sami was having party in my belly!! This little girl is getting way more active now and I am loving it! She is kicking me as I type right now! Larry was having fun touching my belly because he would push down and she would respond to his touch, he gets really excited when that happens. I am really trying to not stress out as much and just take things as they come, hasn't been easy but I am trying. Normally I dread weekends but today has started off so well, I am just going to enjoy it. I am in a happy mood and I have to take advantage of it.
This week has been a little tough but hey I am still here right? I met with Michelle from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) and went over what she does and how this whole picture thing works once Sami is born. I swear they are a blessing, to go out of their way to take photos so that we as hurting parents can have such cherished memories. I wish I did not need their services but just in case I want to be ready. I don't want to regret not having photos taken of my little one. The thought of one day forgetting what she looked like scares me. I think they are such a great organization and I really admire them that is why I really want to donate money to them. I have been trying to find an organization to give back to and I think I found it. A shower of well wishes is in store for us (told you we are loved!) and well I would prefer people donate money to them instead of gifts. It would make me feel better knowing that parents who have to go through something like this will be able to use NILMDTS for a long time.
Another thing that happened this week... my brother Ernie went far beyond his call of brotherly duties. He went to the mortuary and started the process for our little Sami. I was dreading having to do that like you would not believe, no parent should ever have to do that, that is just so unfair!!! Him and I had discussed more or less what we had in mind so from that he went and asked if all my wishes were possible and thankfully they are. My biggest concern was that they pick her up from us at the hospital because I refuse to have her in the hospital morgue, not sure why but that thought really bothers me. This whole story is rather disturbing isn't? My gosh she is not even here yet and here I am talking about this. I am glad the process for that has been started only because now I can just not think about or worry about that for a while.
I have also started our birth plan rough draft, seems a little demanding if you really think about it but I just really want to make sure I make my wishes known for labor and delivery. I am not sure how medical staff feels about a person coming in with personal demands but in this situation I feel like I can be a little more demanding as to what I want during labor and after birth. With Julian it just did not go as planned and now I wish I would not have been so afraid to speak my mind, maybe he wouldn't have been in the NICU for a few days. The main focus of this birth plan is so that everyone that will be involved that day knows how important it is for us to have as much time with her as possible. I will post it one day to share with everyone. I have been making changes to it and reading it over and over seems to unreal. Everyday I have to question why this is happening to us.
Well here we are just about 24 weeks already, time is flying by and all I want is to make it stop. This morning I woke up because Sami was having party in my belly!! This little girl is getting way more active now and I am loving it! She is kicking me as I type right now! Larry was having fun touching my belly because he would push down and she would respond to his touch, he gets really excited when that happens. I am really trying to not stress out as much and just take things as they come, hasn't been easy but I am trying. Normally I dread weekends but today has started off so well, I am just going to enjoy it. I am in a happy mood and I have to take advantage of it.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Another hit to my heart
So on Friday I had the echo done to check on Sami's heart. I can't describe the medical terms they used but they pretty much said the left side of heart is not growing as it should be. She has a low volume of blood going through her heart. She will be okay while she is in my stomach however at delivery she is going to be faced with her thoughest challenge yet because that is when she will have to work hard on her own without my help. I think this news really got to me because I really wanted to hear something positive. I really wanted to hear that it was something minor and maybe she will have on less struggle to deal with it. God, I am so sad!!! I think more sad now than before because I just did not want to hear more bad news. I am so sad because nothing seems to be in her favor and my heart just aches to bad.
More bad news after another, it isn't fair!!! This weekend has been extremely hard for me maybe because now I know I really have to start getting prepared. As much as I did not want to I am gong to have to. Up until this weekend I thought I was mentally prepared to accept our fate but after hearing the news from Friday it made me realize maybe I am not. I feel like I am back to that first day when they found out something really bad was going on with Sami. I cannot describe this feeling I have right now because I feel like it's all new to me and it that is not so. I have known now for a while so I cannot explain this feeling. I was trying to explain to my honey but I just cannot find the words to describe it. It's really weird for me because I really thought I was ready. I rreally thought I was in control of my feelings.
Yesterday we were my Niece's birthday party and I kept my composure there but that is not to say I wasn't crying all the way over there. There is just a sense of emptiness in me already and I hate it because Sami is still with me. I feel like that feeling needs to go away because it is going to affect her and I definitely do not want that. Is she going to feel like I have given up on her? Will that in turn make her give up? At this point there has to be some change within myself because I am determined to keep this little girl safe for as long as I can. I have not given up and I will not do so either.
My sister Rachel and my niece Crystal came with me to the doctor and I am so glad they did because if I would have gone alone I just would have lost it there. Having someone there really helped me stay strong.
It is really weird how I handle this emotionally because I usually only cry when I am by myself or in front of my honey (even that is hard for me to do) and I am not sure why. I feel like I have to always be strong and not show that I am hurting to other people. I know they all know that is not the case but for some reason it is so hard for me to show my emotions in front of others. Maybe it is because I do not want them to ever feel "sorry" for me. God had given me this challenge and he would not have given me this if he knew I was not able to handle it. I suppose that on this journey some days are just tougher than others, although I really need stop being afraid of showing my true emotions to others because I know they will not see me any different, on the contrary because they will finally see that this is not as easy as I make it out to be at times. I am hurting really bad inside.
More bad news after another, it isn't fair!!! This weekend has been extremely hard for me maybe because now I know I really have to start getting prepared. As much as I did not want to I am gong to have to. Up until this weekend I thought I was mentally prepared to accept our fate but after hearing the news from Friday it made me realize maybe I am not. I feel like I am back to that first day when they found out something really bad was going on with Sami. I cannot describe this feeling I have right now because I feel like it's all new to me and it that is not so. I have known now for a while so I cannot explain this feeling. I was trying to explain to my honey but I just cannot find the words to describe it. It's really weird for me because I really thought I was ready. I rreally thought I was in control of my feelings.
Yesterday we were my Niece's birthday party and I kept my composure there but that is not to say I wasn't crying all the way over there. There is just a sense of emptiness in me already and I hate it because Sami is still with me. I feel like that feeling needs to go away because it is going to affect her and I definitely do not want that. Is she going to feel like I have given up on her? Will that in turn make her give up? At this point there has to be some change within myself because I am determined to keep this little girl safe for as long as I can. I have not given up and I will not do so either.
My sister Rachel and my niece Crystal came with me to the doctor and I am so glad they did because if I would have gone alone I just would have lost it there. Having someone there really helped me stay strong.
It is really weird how I handle this emotionally because I usually only cry when I am by myself or in front of my honey (even that is hard for me to do) and I am not sure why. I feel like I have to always be strong and not show that I am hurting to other people. I know they all know that is not the case but for some reason it is so hard for me to show my emotions in front of others. Maybe it is because I do not want them to ever feel "sorry" for me. God had given me this challenge and he would not have given me this if he knew I was not able to handle it. I suppose that on this journey some days are just tougher than others, although I really need stop being afraid of showing my true emotions to others because I know they will not see me any different, on the contrary because they will finally see that this is not as easy as I make it out to be at times. I am hurting really bad inside.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I hate my doctor!!!
Yesterday was a bad day... I was so mad that I was not even able to concentrate on writing in this blog.
So I went in for my regular Dr. appointment, I walk in they check my blood pressure and the baby's heart, nothing big. Anyhow, I had asked my doctor if he had ever delivered a baby with anencephaly and he said yes, which made me feel better. So then I asked him if I should just have a c-section and then he asked me "why are you asking me this, do you know someone who is going to deliver a baby with that?" WHAT????? I was like have you NOT read my chart? I have been going to this doctor since the beginning. He looked over it and said they have written down as encephalocele not anencephaly.... It's a nueral tube defect, I know that but what got me mad was that he asked me why I had not terminated yet???? Really? He was like "your baby is going to die as soon as it's born." I told him to you "it's" just an object but to me she is my baby!!! He was telling me her brain is on the outside like if I didn't know that already. He was like as soon as we cut the cord she is going to die because she is only surviving because you are giving her life right now. Last time I remembered he is NOT God!! He kept looking over the chart and he told me "well they recommended that you terminate" well obviously at this point that is not an option. I told him I decided to go full term and if he had a problem with that to let me know because I will have to go elsewhere.
I understand from a medical perspective that to them it may be pointless to go full term because of all the complications that can arise from this but regardless they get paid at the end of the day so whether I go all the way should not give them the right to be so judgemental and cold. I was so offended by his words!!!!
I think what set me off was the fact that he walked into the room where I was at not even knowing anything about me or my pregnancy. I would think that before a doctor walks into a patient room they look over the chart to see what they are dealing with or at least just to know who is the darn room! In my chart the reports from the specialist were all there, no excuse for him to not know what was going on with my pregnancy!
So after I made it known that I was VERY upset, I walked out, I was crying of anger. He didn't care, he didn't say one word to me.
So walking out of there I called the parenatal center and spoke with the case manager to see how I can change my Dr. (good advice from my sister in-law Marie). Thank God they were so nice and helpful. Sheryl from Family Birth Services called me back within one hour to tell me that 3 of the 5 doctors said they would NOT take me on as a patient, only because they are afraid of lawsuits and that is totally understandable. In between that time my friend Angie gave me the name of her sister's doctor who took her in a patient half way through pregnancy and her baby Liza had the same thing. When Sheryl called back I gave her that doctor's name and she said she was actually waiting for his call back. He was one of the doctors she called, I was happy to hear that. She suggested that I call that office as well. I did call and the manager was really nice, she said she would call me once the doctor came in. So I waited... I got a call back and I am now a new patient to Dr. Wong.
So today I went to go sign the release form to have medical records transferred over to that office and to get to know him. What a relief.... He was much nicer. He walked into the room knowing exactly what was wrong with Sami and HE NEVER QUESTIONED MY DECISION!!!! He said she was measuring a little big but all looked well. I will go back to see him in 2 weeks. One funny thing is that his office is literally right next door to the other doctor!!! Small world...
I have read so many blogs about medical staff being so cold to mothers in this situation and I never thought I would be one of them!!! It is a really ugly feeling. My gosh my little one is not even born yet and already there are judgements against her because she is not physically "perfect" well I will say it over and over to me she is absolute perfection!
So I went in for my regular Dr. appointment, I walk in they check my blood pressure and the baby's heart, nothing big. Anyhow, I had asked my doctor if he had ever delivered a baby with anencephaly and he said yes, which made me feel better. So then I asked him if I should just have a c-section and then he asked me "why are you asking me this, do you know someone who is going to deliver a baby with that?" WHAT????? I was like have you NOT read my chart? I have been going to this doctor since the beginning. He looked over it and said they have written down as encephalocele not anencephaly.... It's a nueral tube defect, I know that but what got me mad was that he asked me why I had not terminated yet???? Really? He was like "your baby is going to die as soon as it's born." I told him to you "it's" just an object but to me she is my baby!!! He was telling me her brain is on the outside like if I didn't know that already. He was like as soon as we cut the cord she is going to die because she is only surviving because you are giving her life right now. Last time I remembered he is NOT God!! He kept looking over the chart and he told me "well they recommended that you terminate" well obviously at this point that is not an option. I told him I decided to go full term and if he had a problem with that to let me know because I will have to go elsewhere.
I understand from a medical perspective that to them it may be pointless to go full term because of all the complications that can arise from this but regardless they get paid at the end of the day so whether I go all the way should not give them the right to be so judgemental and cold. I was so offended by his words!!!!
I think what set me off was the fact that he walked into the room where I was at not even knowing anything about me or my pregnancy. I would think that before a doctor walks into a patient room they look over the chart to see what they are dealing with or at least just to know who is the darn room! In my chart the reports from the specialist were all there, no excuse for him to not know what was going on with my pregnancy!
So after I made it known that I was VERY upset, I walked out, I was crying of anger. He didn't care, he didn't say one word to me.
So walking out of there I called the parenatal center and spoke with the case manager to see how I can change my Dr. (good advice from my sister in-law Marie). Thank God they were so nice and helpful. Sheryl from Family Birth Services called me back within one hour to tell me that 3 of the 5 doctors said they would NOT take me on as a patient, only because they are afraid of lawsuits and that is totally understandable. In between that time my friend Angie gave me the name of her sister's doctor who took her in a patient half way through pregnancy and her baby Liza had the same thing. When Sheryl called back I gave her that doctor's name and she said she was actually waiting for his call back. He was one of the doctors she called, I was happy to hear that. She suggested that I call that office as well. I did call and the manager was really nice, she said she would call me once the doctor came in. So I waited... I got a call back and I am now a new patient to Dr. Wong.
So today I went to go sign the release form to have medical records transferred over to that office and to get to know him. What a relief.... He was much nicer. He walked into the room knowing exactly what was wrong with Sami and HE NEVER QUESTIONED MY DECISION!!!! He said she was measuring a little big but all looked well. I will go back to see him in 2 weeks. One funny thing is that his office is literally right next door to the other doctor!!! Small world...
I have read so many blogs about medical staff being so cold to mothers in this situation and I never thought I would be one of them!!! It is a really ugly feeling. My gosh my little one is not even born yet and already there are judgements against her because she is not physically "perfect" well I will say it over and over to me she is absolute perfection!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Another day of up and down emotions....
I am not sure what it is but I wake up and I feel like I am still in a nightmare!!! I wake up and the first thing I think about is "encephalocele" that darn word just lingers in my thoughts at all times and I cannot get it out. Someone please stop it!!! It drives me insane! I want to wake up and just be free of that thought. Then for the rest of the day I am just worried, constantly!!!
There are times during the day where I am ready for that, I mean mentally I feel like I am prepared for what is going to come then guilt sets in because I feel like I shouldn't be prepared for that because really what normal person is? Then the thought of not being able to bring my baby home kicks in and I cannot do anything else but cry. I feel that pain so deep in my heart that sometimes I feel like I cannot breath, it's horrible. It's a mental struggle within myself and it makes me feel like I am crazy. How many emotions can one feel in a 24 hours period? I am 22 weeks pregnant and still have a way to go, can I really do this?
I know God is with me because I really don't know how I make it through sometimes. Although I have noticed myself asking "why" more often maybe because she moves more now and it feels so normal. How can this little person be ill? She is so alive and my belly is growing like a normal pregnancy. So how can it be that in a couple of weeks all this is going to just stop? Everyone else will get to live their normal lives and what about me? How I am going to wake up and not feel like I am still in a nightmare? I know life goes on and I will get through this. I still have my little Julian and so many times during the day he makes me smile and he reminds me of why I was brought here on earth. That little guy just knows how to really brighten my day and he is a big reason why I stay so grounded half of the time. This just sucks.. plain and simple!
Well here is to another day of up and down emotions....
Tomorrow another Dr. appointment then again on Friday with the cardiologist and sometime soon I will also meet up with Michelle the lady from "Now I lay me down to sleep" to go over stuff. She sent me an email to call her this week. I will go over that at a later time.
There are times during the day where I am ready for that, I mean mentally I feel like I am prepared for what is going to come then guilt sets in because I feel like I shouldn't be prepared for that because really what normal person is? Then the thought of not being able to bring my baby home kicks in and I cannot do anything else but cry. I feel that pain so deep in my heart that sometimes I feel like I cannot breath, it's horrible. It's a mental struggle within myself and it makes me feel like I am crazy. How many emotions can one feel in a 24 hours period? I am 22 weeks pregnant and still have a way to go, can I really do this?
I know God is with me because I really don't know how I make it through sometimes. Although I have noticed myself asking "why" more often maybe because she moves more now and it feels so normal. How can this little person be ill? She is so alive and my belly is growing like a normal pregnancy. So how can it be that in a couple of weeks all this is going to just stop? Everyone else will get to live their normal lives and what about me? How I am going to wake up and not feel like I am still in a nightmare? I know life goes on and I will get through this. I still have my little Julian and so many times during the day he makes me smile and he reminds me of why I was brought here on earth. That little guy just knows how to really brighten my day and he is a big reason why I stay so grounded half of the time. This just sucks.. plain and simple!
Well here is to another day of up and down emotions....
Tomorrow another Dr. appointment then again on Friday with the cardiologist and sometime soon I will also meet up with Michelle the lady from "Now I lay me down to sleep" to go over stuff. She sent me an email to call her this week. I will go over that at a later time.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Dr. Visit update
So yesterday was another day at the Dr.'s.... I was so nervous but it actually turned out to be OK. I seen a new parenatal Dr (Dr. Ross) who was very sweet. She was explaining the measurements as she went through the ultrasound. Because of the hernia Sami's stomach is still a little high but her heart is actually where it should be now, so that is a good thing. She still has a heart defect but it's still unclear how severe it is at this moment. I am scheduled for an echo gram next Friday with a cardiologist so see how bad it really is. The cystic hygroma is no longer there, which made me happy. They did tell me there was a possibility for the fluid to re absorb itself and well it has. The encephalocele is still there, seems like it's pretty big because there is a pretty big sac around her little head. But through it all she is still fighting. She moves around a lot. Everyday her movements are getting stronger and stronger, I love it!!!
Dr. Ross wasn't so negative, she did tell us she has seen a baby survive surgery but she did remind me of her heart complication, that might change things in our case but still she didn't mention terminating this pregnancy or anything like that. She did give me a choice to not come back for ultrasounds because she said many parents opt for that because they just don't want to see it. Me on the other hand, if I could go weekly I would! I love to see my little girl, I see the defects but still to me she is perfect! We go back in another 4 weeks for another ultrasound.
I feel better now, I am still not getting my hopes up because there is still a long road ahead of me. At this point I am enjoying watching my belly grow and I feel so proud being pregnant. It doesn't weird me out anymore. People asking me how I am feeling does get to me sometimes because I feel like they are just feeling sorry for me. It is just what people do, I have come to understand it.
Dr. Ross wasn't so negative, she did tell us she has seen a baby survive surgery but she did remind me of her heart complication, that might change things in our case but still she didn't mention terminating this pregnancy or anything like that. She did give me a choice to not come back for ultrasounds because she said many parents opt for that because they just don't want to see it. Me on the other hand, if I could go weekly I would! I love to see my little girl, I see the defects but still to me she is perfect! We go back in another 4 weeks for another ultrasound.
I feel better now, I am still not getting my hopes up because there is still a long road ahead of me. At this point I am enjoying watching my belly grow and I feel so proud being pregnant. It doesn't weird me out anymore. People asking me how I am feeling does get to me sometimes because I feel like they are just feeling sorry for me. It is just what people do, I have come to understand it.
Friday, July 03, 2009
Miracles, why can't I believe in them?
Today we went in for a 3D ultrasound, I was dying to see her little face and I just couldn't wait. On the way over there a little part of me wished that I they could see a perfect baby girl but knew in my heart that was not going happen. I seen the tech trying to get a clear picture but her face seemed a little worried so I told her that I knew that something was wrong with the baby and I was aware of it. This place is just for parents to be able to get a sneak peak at what their baby is going to look like they do not give any medical input. Once I told the tech she was relieved because she was worried that I was not aware that something was wrong with my baby girl. She was very nice and understanding. She was really trying to get me some pictures and she gave me the DVD of all of Sami's movements which I will cherish forever. My sister in-law Janina and my mom joined us and they did a really good job of keeping it together. I didn't cry because I wanted it to be joyous moment and it was. Sami is still living, she was kicking like crazy trying to get the Doppler off of her. It was funny, she is a little feisty one!!! The tech advised us to come back in a few weeks once the baby is a little bigger to get some better photos of her. I hope that the sac of fluid won't be covering her face anymore. Seeing that worried me but I won't worry about that for now, on Tuesday I have a Dr. appointment with the parenatologist, so will see what she tells me then. I already have a lot on my mind.
I was telling my honey that when I first heard the news I prayed for a miracle and didn't want believe this was really happening (denial, denial, denial!!!) however I have stopped that. I stopped asking for miracles and just accepted our fate. I don't want to be angry with God once Sami is born and she isn't fine, then what? How is anger going to help me heal? I will be mad because I would have put all my faith into believing in this miracle and in the end the results are still bad like the Dr. had said. God knows I pray everyday, all day!! But now I pray that I get to carry her in my belly for as long as possible. It's not that I don't want her to be well because I do but I don't want to be disappointed. Perhaps it's fear that is holding me back, I am not sure what it is. I thank everyone for praying for us and wanting this baby to be healthy as much as I do but it hurts me to know that it is not going to happen. Maybe it's the "expect the worse, hope for the best" mentality that I have. At times I feel so mean thinking that way because it just doesn't feel right to me but that is my reality. Maybe I will feel different as time passes and it's gets closer to the end.
Oh I am so mad that I have to say in "the end", aren't births supposed to be beginnings? Beginnings full of hope.... I do believe in one thing and that is that through all of this God is going to help me be strong. I know that he will not let me down. A miracle might not happen but I will still have my faith that something good is going to come of this. Some how, some way it will, it just has to.
I was telling my honey that when I first heard the news I prayed for a miracle and didn't want believe this was really happening (denial, denial, denial!!!) however I have stopped that. I stopped asking for miracles and just accepted our fate. I don't want to be angry with God once Sami is born and she isn't fine, then what? How is anger going to help me heal? I will be mad because I would have put all my faith into believing in this miracle and in the end the results are still bad like the Dr. had said. God knows I pray everyday, all day!! But now I pray that I get to carry her in my belly for as long as possible. It's not that I don't want her to be well because I do but I don't want to be disappointed. Perhaps it's fear that is holding me back, I am not sure what it is. I thank everyone for praying for us and wanting this baby to be healthy as much as I do but it hurts me to know that it is not going to happen. Maybe it's the "expect the worse, hope for the best" mentality that I have. At times I feel so mean thinking that way because it just doesn't feel right to me but that is my reality. Maybe I will feel different as time passes and it's gets closer to the end.
Oh I am so mad that I have to say in "the end", aren't births supposed to be beginnings? Beginnings full of hope.... I do believe in one thing and that is that through all of this God is going to help me be strong. I know that he will not let me down. A miracle might not happen but I will still have my faith that something good is going to come of this. Some how, some way it will, it just has to.
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